SPECIAL FEATURE
And now, the latest--and strangest--edition of our "20 Questions" series with the creators of MST3K...
20 Questions (but no Answers)
Frank Conniff
A frustrating, infuriating and not-at-all informative visit with TV's Frank.
Q: Welcome, Frank! Most fans know very
little about your past except that you grew up in the New York area. Tell us about your childhood.
A: Since my whole existence
is the result of a government radiation experiment gone horribly wrong, I cannot divulge any information about
my childhood, except to say that nobody could breast-feed like Mamie Eisenhower. What a woman!
Q: :::Pauses:::. Okay....Um, how did you
end up in the Midwest doing comedy?
A: As you know, I grew
up in New York City. One day, back in 1985, Mayor Ed Koch asked me, on behalf of the entire metropolitan area,
to leave. I love New York, and so for the good of the city and its people, I agreed to go. I moved to Minneapolis
and prospered. Later, I found out that the citizens of the Twin Cities also wanted me to leave, but being mid-westerners,
they were too polite to express their feelings. I left on my own accord.
Q: Uh...huh. Moving right along...you first
met the folks you would eventually work with at Best Brains while you were touring the Midwest comedy circuit,
right? Any anecdotes you can relate of those days with Mike Nelson, Bridget Jones and Mary Jo
Pehl?
A: Well, there was that
time Mike, Bridget and Mary Jo walked in on me while I was performing a scrotum-tuck on myself. Boy, was my face
red! Talk about your embarrassing anecdotes! Whew!
Q: Thanks for that mental image. Okay, let's
try this: Who first approached you about coming to work for Best Brains?
A: Mayor Ed Koch asked
me, on behalf of Comedy Central, to work for Best Brains. Why he did this, I have no idea.
Q: We have a feeling we'll regret asking
this, but what were your first impressions when you began working for BBI?
A: My first impression
was based on this premise: What would it be like if Jack Nicholson worked at Burger King? I think it would go something…
like this.
Q: We knew we'd regret it. Pressing on,
do you recall any fan reaction to your character when the second season episodes began airing?
A: Actually, I received
a very sweet letter from a gentleman named Ted Kaczynski. He seemed to really enjoy my performance as "TV's
Frank," even though he had no electricity or television set.
Q: Why does that not surprise us? How seriously
did you take your performance as "TV's Frank?"
A: I was very serious
about my part. There were even a couple of times when I memorized my lines. Nobody ever phoned in a role with more
conviction.
Q: We're sensing a certain reluctance to
answer these questions, but we'll just keep on going. When and how did you first meet Trace Beaulieu? To
what do you attribute the outstanding onscreen chemistry between the two of you?
A: I first met Trace
back when were both working in The Ziegfield Follies of 1918. The minstrel number that we did was a big hit, and
we both had torrid affairs with Fanny Brice. Ever since then, our chemistry as performers was impeccable, although
he did step on my lines occasionally during our years on "Duffy's Tavern."
Q: Yes, I'm sure those were golden...huh?
Looking back on your experience with MST3K, can you tell us about any particularly golden moment that gives
you satisfaction?
A: My night of group
sex with Bea Arthur, Rue McCannahan and Estelle Getty was a certainly a golden moment.
Q: Oh wow. Another mental image stuck with
us forever. Tell us about your contribution to the NBC special called "Attack of the Killer B Movies"
that aired in 1995.
A: Mayor Ed Koch, on
behalf of the General Electric Corporation, asked me to become involved with that project. As far as I know it
has never aired.
Q: This is probably useless, but how did
you become involved with the ABC television series, "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch," and will you still
be involved when the show moves to the WB?
A: A certain Mrs. Gladys
Kravitz told me there was some strange things going on across the street from her house. I went to investigate
and ended up staying for four years. I will not be involved with the WB, but Mrs. Kravitz and I will continue to
spy on the WB from across the street.
Q: We never liked her. You appeared in a
couple of "Sabrina" episodes? Do you plan to do any further acting elsewhere or would you rather concentrate
on your writing career?
A: I will not be seen
on "Sabrina" again, but Angelina Jollie and I will soon be performing in a production of "Love Letters."
I will be playing her brother.
Q: That should be hot, hot, HOT! So, um,
jeez, what was it like writing for a major network prime time comedy series?
A: If I ever do write
for a major network prime time comedy series, I'll try and answer that for you.
Q: Ouch! Okay, maybe we should just give
you a chance to plug yourself. Are you making standup appearances in the L.A. area?
A: I can be seen at
clubs all over the L.A. area using my new stage name, "Carrot Top."
Q: Really?! You do a hilarious bit with
a giant inflatable hammer! Well, since you're working steadily, and you don't *have* to do standup to support yourself,
you must really like doing it. What do you like best about it?
A: I like the pudding.
Q: Frank? Frank? :::snapping fingers:::
Over here, honey....According to the now-dormant Frank Conniff InfoClub, you were working on an autobiographical
novel a couple of years ago. Is that still in the works?
A: The Frank Conniff
Infoclub is dormant? Oh no! Now where will I get juicy tidbits about Frank Conniff? As for the novel, it will be
published this fall under the title, "Tek Wars."
Q: Well, we're just about ready to give
up. Before we cart you away, are there any other new projects you're working on?
A: Writing the answers
to these questions has been my major project this year. I hope to adapt it into a movie with myself attached to
direct, natch.
Q: We want points and an executive producer
credit or it's no deal. Call our girl and we'll set something up. Well, as arduous as it is to continue, how about
this: When you're not working, what do you like to do for fun?
A: For fun there's nothing
I like better than having a party in my pants. ("B.Y.O.B.O." of course).
Q: We fully realize we're basically talking
to ourselves now, but here goes nothing: What advice would you give to anyone who wants to write for television?
A: Stay away! If you're
young and brilliant you're going to put me out of business and I'll have to go back to working at Arbys.
Q: Well, Frank, before we kill you, we'd
like to ask one last question: What's your dream? Where do ya wanna be in five years?
A: Hey, don't lay a
heavy trip on me, okay? I'm very happy with our relationship the way it is. Why must you always talk about commitment?
Let's just have fun and take it one step at a time, alright?
Following this response, several men in white coats and carrying syringes subdued
Mr. Conniff. His whereabouts are currently unkown.
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