Bit: Bondo Belly, Bad-News Baseball and Bizarre Boots

Episode 509: The Girl in Lover’s Lane

Transcribed Laura Fox

[SOL]

(Crow holds a mirror; his torso is patched with blue putty---a container of which is on the counter---and duct tape. Joel attempts to file the bondo on Tom’s hoverskirt.)
Tom: This was definitely a mistake, huh, drilling holes in our midsections. Look at that poor schmoe, hoo! Man, there but for the grace of God go I.
Crow: Quiet! I’m contemplating my Bondo’ed navel.
Joel: Oh, uh, Quisp and Quake are calling...

[Deep 13]

(Dr. F. and Frank are seated in office chairs sharing a self-consciously good-natured laugh.)
Dr. F.: Ah, ha ha ha, that Fanny Flagg is a hoot! (Finds the monitor on; aside) Derwood, it’s them! (They jump up from their seats. Frank darts off screen. Dr. F. addresses the SoL.) Let’s talk baseball. Better yet, let’s talk baseball sponsors. Better yet, let’s just talk. (chuckles) Ha ha ha hahhh, baseball---great American pastime. But how can we, as evil scientists, hope to dilute or even destroy this great summertime event? Frank?
Frank: (returns with a monthly calendar on an easel) Ohhhh boy! This is gonna be dark!
Dr. F.: Thanks. Our invention exchange is based roughly on the popular baseball promotion night. You know, Hat Night, Sock Night...
Frank: Tunnel of Chili Night...
Dr. F.: Eh, right, but we’ve made it evil and hurtful---you know, like we like to do.
Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha... oh.
Dr. F.: So we’ve rewritten the baseball season with some unsavory and, in some cases, downright dangerous cross-promotional give-aways.
(Zoom in on calendar, showing the dates as the Mads explain.)
Frank: For the season opener, we have Colorless, Odorless Toxic Gas Night. (Coughs)
Dr. F.: Yes, hm-hm! (indicates another calendar entry) This Knothole Day special, the first ten thousand lucky kids get: slide whistles! (Hands one to Frank as camera zooms out.)
Frank: Oh, boy! (begins playing the whistle---annoyingly of course)
Dr. F.: ...And the second lucky ten thousand kids get real brass knuckles. Then, the first ten thousand lucky kids become unlucky. (Punches Frank with the brass knuckles; chuckles as Frank groans.)
Frank: Oho, oho... Ho! (He turns to the calendar.) This symbol here represents the lovable, huggable San Diego Chicken which must mean it just happens to be: Crossbow Night! Thung!!
Dr. F.: Frank, right on! Gimme five! (He high-fives Frank with the brass knuckles, hurting Frank’s hand.) You are righteous! ...Then, there’s the promotional tie-in. The beauty of this concept is, is that it hurts the company supplying the product as well as the fans themselves!
Frank: Dow Corning presents Fiberglass Insulation Night.
Dr. F.: Park Davis presents Used Syringe Night.
Frank: Tires Plus presents the Pepperming Schnapps, Tire Iron Double Hit-ter!
(Maniacal laughter)
Dr. F.: Well, that’s about as evil as it gets, don’t you think, Joel, hmmmm...?

[SOL]

Joel (sarcastic): Oh, sure, sirs, that’s real evil, ‘course it is... Well, our invention exchange this week is based on some foot fashions and some clever wordplay. Tom? (Exits.)
Tom: Thanks, Joel. Say, ever notice how the trendy shoes Doc Martins and the name of the popular MAD cartoonist Don Martin almost sound the same? Well we did!
Crow: Right! And our "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" Department has converted the command table to a high-fashion walkway to present:
Gypsy: Doc Martins for Don Martin! Joel? ---Ooh...
(Joel enters screen right, walking on the counter and visible only from the knees down. He wears shiny black boots with big goofy green pointed toes attached to them.)
Tom: Yes, yes, Don Martin, the maddest of the MAD cartoonists, has a real flair for drawing funny footwear!
(As the others narrate, Joel lowers sound-effect signs onto the screen: "FWAP!" "SPLORP" "SHKLITZA" "GLURKLE")
Crow: ...And Doc Martins, British shoe importer, also has a real flair for making and selling ... funny footwear!
Gypsy: So I say combine them!
Joel (ducks into the shot): Ah, what do you think, Chester Bester Tester? (Points, then kisses the back of his still-pointing hand.)

[Deep 13]

Frank: (Writing on the baseball calendar with a marker) What about.... "Poopie Night"? (giggles)
Dr. F.: Poopie...! (Snrk.) Your movie this week, Joel, is a little piece of drek called "The Girl in Lover’s Lane." Poopie Night, Frank...!
Frank: Hey, come on, that’s funny!
Dr. F.: I’m not saying it isn’t funny----what, you’re going to give kids poop?
Frank: Well, I---

[SOL]

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