Bit: The Spy Who Hugged Me
Episode: 504- Secret Agent Super Dragon
[SOL]
(Joel, Crow, and Tom behind desk. Joel,
wearing print scarf and glasses, is hunkered down to the
'bots' level. They're all holding scripts.)
Crow: People, places--oh, good. Well, if you've all had
a chance to look over the script, let's start on page--
Tom: Crow, this'd
better not be another stupid 'Earth vs. Soup' type of spec
script, buddy.
Crow: Tom, I
think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I've streamlined,
chopped, and channeled the spy-movie genre to reflect '90's
sensibilities.
Joel: Well, you
know, Crow, that sounds really...interesting.
Crow: Thank you,
Joel. The market demands it, you know. Tom, you'll be
reading the part of Sandy Windhamhill, the
good-looking-in-an-androgynous-way super-spy, who is in
touch with his feminine side. I realize I'm asking you to
play against type, but I--
Tom: Gee, that
sounds really--stupid, Crow! I can't foil the evil forces
trying to conquer the world if I'm a dumb ol'
sissy-britches!
Joel: Wait a
minute, Servo. Let's just give it a chance. We'll just read
Crow's treatment, okay?
Crow: The Spy Who
Hugged Me. Ah, Joel, you'll be reading a couple of parts, if
you would--Sandy's love interest, Holly Affirmations, and
the bad guy, Gary Diabolique.
Tom: For God's
sake, man! I want to drink martinis in Istanbul and utter
glib bon mots in Moscow, and drive with my feet while
escaping thugs in Monte Carlo, and meet girls in
Ipanema--the kinds of things a super-secret super-spy is
*supposed* to do!
Crow: I support
your owning those feelings.
Tom: Yeah,
support this.
Crow: Top of page
12--Joel, you're Holly.
Joel: Okay.
(falsetto) You understand, Mr. Windhamhill, that even though
we are sharing a sexual tension between us, I must kill
you.
Tom: (reading)
Um, Holly, thank you for being honest. Let me say that I
think you're a really terrific, dynamite lady, but right now
I'm in a committed relationship with--someone (can't believe
what he's reading) who's very special to me? (muttering) I
don't believe this...
Joel: Okay, Holly
pulls a gun out of her purse--I'll use my hand--and says
(falsetto) Then you understand, Mr. Windamhill. Nothing
personal.
Tom: (reading)
Ah, boundaries, Holly, boundaries--(breaking character)
Crow! I'm supposed to be a man who leads a life of
danger!
Crow: Servo, the
only way around it is through it.
Tom: Oh,
brother.
Crow: Okay, let's
jump ahead a few pages. Sandy has carpooled with Gary
Diabolique to the World Domination Headquarters. And Joel,
you're Gary, and you're going to shame with world with your
specially-invented anti-Bradshaw device. So, top of page 26,
and--Thomas.
Tom:
Okay...(reading) Mr. Diabolique, if you have a few minutes,
I need to confront you on your shaming behavior. (breaking
character) Tshaa!
Joel: (in
character as bad guy) Oh, Mr. Big Windamhill--thinks he's
going to save the world! Well, who do you think you are,
mister?
Tom: (reading)
Gary, I feel you're upset with me. I know it's not about me,
but about issues in your (again, can't believe what he's
reading)--family of origin? (breaking character) You have
got to be *kidding* me, Crow!
Joel: (still in
character as bad guy, reading) So, you think you know
everything, Mr. Namby-Pamby-Damby-Butt. Gonna cry now, huh?
Gonna cry?
Tom: (back in
character, reading) Um, I'll have to ask you to respect my
boundaries.
Joel: (in
character, reading) You don't get it, do you, you stupid
moron idiot? I'm going to control how people respond to me!
*I* am going to rule the *world!*
Tom: (reading)
Gary, that's really codependent. (breaking character) I
can't believe I just said "codependent"! Oh, that's it!
You've completely defiled a revered film archetype and
you've made me feel like a total baffoon! I'm out of here!
(exits)
Crow: (calling
after him) Well, really, only Tom can make Tom feel like a
total baffoon.
Tom (off-screen): Yeah, bite me! (Movie lights, buzzers,
etc.)
Joel: Oh, we've
got movie sign!
(cut)
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