Bit: The Richard Burton Pageant
Episode: 312- Gamera vs. Guiron
[SOL]
(Enter Joel, Tom, and Crow. Joel holds a
big book. Lots of glasses and a few pitchers of what looks
like alcohol sit on the desk.)
Joel: Hi. We, the Satellite of Love Wooster Group,
would like to present this week's pageant, once again based
on a...a movie character's weak resemblance to a Hollywood
star.
Tom: There we go.
Thank you, Cambot. This week, it's child star Richard
Burton, who later went on to star in 'Hamlet' at the Old Vic
Theater.
Crow: Yeah. And
later in such great films as "Bluebeard," "Raid on Rommel"
and "The Exorcist 2."
Joel: I will
narrate and Crow will be playing--
Crow: Crow T.
Robot.
Joel: What?
Crow: Ah, Crow T.
Robot. That's my stage name.
Joel: Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. Right. Crow T. Robot will be playing the part of
Richard Burton, and Thomas Servo will play Elizabeth Taylor
and Lee Majors. I will be playing the role of the
sleepy-voiced narrator. (Various stills from the movie are
shown.) Richard Burton was born with a name that wasn't
Richard Burton--but we can't remember what it was--into a
poor Welsh coal-mining family in Nineteen-Hundred and
Twenty-Five.
Crow (as Burton):
I'm Welsh. I'm poor. My name's not Richard Burton yet. Do
you hear me? I'm Welsh and poor and my name is not Richard
Burton yet!
Tom: Richard grew
up--some--and got into acting in high school. And then he
lived with this guy named Burton, who gave him his name. He
particularly liked the poetry of his drunk Welsh countryman,
Dylan Thomas.
Joel: Ah, Richard
did a radio version of Thomas's famous adaptation of the
Gamera song.
Crow (as Burton):
Not for the proud man/Apart from the raging moon I
write/Gamera! Gamera!/What dark, despis'd dreams dwell/In
the sullen, weight bones/'Neath your impenetrable shell?
Joel: That was
good, Crow.
Crow: Ah,
thanks!
Joel: No that was
really good. I mean, very moving--
Tom: Joel,
please! (clears throat)
Joel: Oh, I'm
sorry. Okay. (turns page in book) Later, Richard Burton got
famous, and they paid him a lot of money to do movies in
Hollywood. Did some bad ones, and some good ones, and then
he met Elizabeth Taylor, and they fell in love, and she
dumped Eddie Fisher, but he got over it, and became a really
famous chess player.
Tom: Huh?
Joel: Liz and
Richard got super-famous and became the Tom and Roseanne of
their day. Tom Servo and Crow will now do a scene from their
most famous collaboration, 'Who's Afraid of Gamera
Turtle?'
Tom (as Liz):
'Argh!' Who said that? 'Argh!'
Crow (as Burton):
I don't know, Martha.
Tom (same): Oh,
come on, George. You remember. Who said that? 'Argh!'
Crow (same): I
don't remember. I said I do not remember, Martha.
Tom (same): Oh, I
remember! It was Gamera! He walked into the room, lit a
cigarette, looked around, and said, 'Argh!'
Crow (same): If
you say so, Martha.
Tom (same): Oh,
you laughed your ass off!
Joel: That's
enough, okay?
Crow and
Tom: Okay.
Joel: All right.
Later, Burton got back to his roots and trod the boards as
King Arthur in the smash musical 'Gamera.' His performance
was nothing less than mesmerizing, even when he drank two
bottles before the matinee. Here are some highlights.
Crow (as Burton):
Gamera, Gamera./I know it sounds a bit bizarre/But with
Gamera, that's how conditions are/I wonder what the king is
drinking tonight/I wonder if the king will get stinking
tonight.
Joel: Okay, Crow.
That's enough.
Crow: I was
totally off-script. Could you tell? I was way off--
Tom: After the
success of 'Gamera,' Burton's life hit a rough spot. Parts
dried up, but he didn't. He was drinking more and acting
less. A project called 'Mannequin' was discussed, then
dropped. Then, just when things were getting desperate, his
agent called. They wanted him for a meaty roll in the
critically-acclaimed TV smash, 'The Fall Guy.'
Joel: A chance to
work with Heather Thomas and Lee Majors? It was too good to
be true. Burton's answer was a bleary but resounding 'yes.'
Here, we recreate a scene from that historical television
play.
Tom (as Majors):
So, what do you say? You wanna climb into my 4X4, drive
really fast, help me chase down that scumbag who jumped
bail? What do you say?
Crow (as Burton):
I say, *hic* let's nail the sucker.
Joel: Ah, Richard
Burton passed away shortly after performing his magnum opus.
(Crow collapses behind desk.) Thus ends our pageant. We
salute you--(Crow rises up again.)
All: One of the good dead ones.
(cut)
.
|