Bit: We're Going Home Episode 1013- Diabolik Transcribed by D Newton [SOL] (Servo can be seen just above the table top. There's a sound of vacuum suction leaking.) Tom: Son of a . . . Mike! Crow! Little help! I can't . . . ugh! (Mike and Crow enter.) Mike: What's the matter Servo? Tom: I was cleaning out my room and something got stuck in my hoverskirt and now I'm not getting any lift. Mike: Oh, let's get it out. (He reaches under Servo and picks up a book about the size of a small telephone directory. The noise stops, and Servo pops up.) Tom: Whoa! There! Mike: Well, look at this! It's an SOL Employee Handbook. Tom: Oh, what do ya know! Mike: I've never seen this before. (reads) "Welcome to the Forrester family of hostages. Making your life miserable for over nine years." Crow: That's nice. Tom: Whoa! Mike: Hey, it covers everything, "Discrimination Policy"... Crow: Uh huh. Mike: "I reserve the right to discriminate against anyone I want, especially Mike." Crow: Figures. Mike: "Benefits Package: All employees are entitled to smooch my backside." Crow: Uh, what does it say about grievances? Mike: Hmm, let me see here. (flips through book) Oh, "Grievance Procedures: Make your hand into a hard fist, drawing as far away from your face as possible. Then, keeping your hand in place, quickly and forcefully run towards your hand." (He closes the book and holds his fist in front of his face.) [Commercial sign.] Tom (to Cambot): Well, we'll be right back. Mike (starting to move his face towards his fist, then stops as he realizes): Hey! Crow: Yeah. [Commercials] (Mike is still reading the handbook.) Crow: Does it say anything about our dental coverage? Mike (reading): Uh, "Shut up. You have no right to ask!" Crow: (taken aback): Sorry Mike. I didn't think you would take it so personally! Mike: No, no, that's what it says in the handbook. Crow: Ohhh! (Suddenly the satellite starts rocking back and forth violently.) Whoa! Hey! What's going on? What the hell? Mike: We'd better find out what's going on. Hey, Pearl Drops! [Castle] (Pearl looks into camera.) Pearl: Oh, hi Nike Melson! How do you like my new joystick? (Camera pulls back to show her playing with a cheap, bargain store joystick.) Got it at Radio Shack! Say, I was wondering, what does a high speed tumble do to your stomach? (She slams the stick to the right.) [Rocket #9] (SOL is in a power dive. We can hear M&TB, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!") [Castle] Pearl (gleeful): I am just messin' with everybody today! (Laughs. Suddenly, the stick breaks. Pearl looks at it, confused.) What'd I do? (Tips it upside down and shakes it.) What'd I do? [SOL] (The satellite slowly rights itself, although it's still rocking somewhat.) Tom: Hang on now. Crow: I feel sick! (Gypsy enters. Crow ducks down below the bridge.) Gypsy: Hey you guys, the Retro-Fire's been activated and the ship's initiating a Re-entry Protocol! Tom: What?! Gypsy: Prepare for Gravitational Insertion! Tom: Mike! This means we're headed . . . TO EARTH! Mike (slowly): Earth, that's my home! Tom: (excitedly): Yes! Yes! Mike: Isn't it? Tom: Yes! Mike: (realizing): Of course! Earth! To Earth! (He hugs Tom and pats Gypsy. Tom laughs, and everyone celebrates but Crow, who can be heard retching down below.) Tom: Crow, you're wreckin' the moment! Crow (nose stuffed up): I'm sorry! [Castle] (Pearl keeps trying to put the joystick back together. Observer approaches, holding a small hair dryer to his brain pan.) Observer: Apparently you initiated Re-entry Protocol for the satellite. Pearl (not understanding): Well, make it not protocol the re-entry! Make it better! (She's still trying to fix the joystick.) Observer: Well, you broke off the stick of joy. It's irreversible, and, wet bread. (Pearl looks at him, confused.) Pearl (whining): You're omnipotent, do something! Observer (holding up the brain pan): Ah Pearl, the Mountain Dew you so playfully poured into my brain pan affected my gravitational control, as well as my speech centers. Table dog purple liquefy. Pearl: No, dammit, no! They will not escape me! (Bobo enters) I'll see them dead first! (She looks about her, helplessly.) Bobo: Oh hey, Lawgiver, why don't you just take and use the Satellite's self-destruct mechanism? (points at button) Pearl: Do we have one? Bobo: Yeah, right there. (points to it again) Pearl: Bobo, I'm a genius! (to SOL) Take this, losers! (She presses the button.) Observer: Ah! Chili squint! (Bobo growls) [SOL] (Alarm starts beeping. M&TB huddle together, expecting death.) Mike: Oh, this is it! I love you, Crow! I love you, Servo! I love you, Gypsy! Gypsy: I love you, Mike! I love you, Servo! I love you ,Crow! Crow: I love you, Gypsy! I love you, Mike! I love you, Servo! Tom: I love you, Gypsy! I love you, Mike! (Loud beep. They brace for explosion. A small poof of smoke near the theater doors.) Mike: Oh. (shrugs) Crow: Um, Servo, you wanna add . . . Tom: I, I, I was gonna say it, I just couldn't think of your name! Crow: Chh! Yeah right! [Castle] (Pearl's mouth hangs open. Bobo shakes his head.) Observer (resigned): Well, the Satellite Of Love is heading back to Earth. Paper nutbound feet. Bobo: It's as good as done, Lawgiver. Pearl: NOOOOO!!!!! (She storms away from the camera, tossing furniture, screaming and crying, throwing a massive tantrum.) Bobo (to camera): This can't be good for us! Observer: No! (Pearl walks up to Bobo and decks him.) Bobo (as he's falling): See? (Pearl storms back and lays her head and arms on the organ keyboard, loosing a fearful bleat.) Observer (to camera): Raging clipart! Oooo! [SOL] Gypsy: Re-entry commencing. Entering low orbit. Tom: Ha ha! Gypsy: We'll be landing in one hour and 55 mnutes! M&TB: Hooray! Woo hoo! Crow: We did it! We did it! Mike: Well, I mean, we didn't really do it, but . . . Crow: Well, it was done by someone! M&TB: Yay! Mike: Someone did it! Tom: It was done! M&TB: Yay! Ha ha! Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! [Castle] (Observer tries to comfort Pearl, whose face is down. Her hair is straggled and hanging down. Pearl looks up. She's been crying, and hideous streaks of mascarra run down her face, Tammy Fae Baker-like. Observer is startled.) Pearl: (sniffling): Oh, so you're coming back to Earth, huh? So I failed, huh? (She looks at Observer and shrieks, he runs away in terror.) That's fine! That's OK! Good for you! But there's still one button that works so you're still getting your final movie. (Walks over to film sending machine.) I give you "Diabolik". (Holds up film can.) If it gives you half the hell I have had to endure keeping you captive it will have all been worth it! (Starts sobbing again as she puts the can into the machine, then wipes her nose loudly on her glove.) [SOL] (Movie sign.) Mike: Oh movie sign! Let's go! (He leaves, but 'bots don't move.) Crow: Boy, we're not gonna be hearing that back on Earth! Tom: Yeah! Let's enjoy. Crow: Yeah! (Mike returns.) Mike: Would you get in there, please? (Mike exits, 'bots still won't budge.) Tom: Boy, we're not gonna be hearing that either. Crow: Yeah! Tom: Let's enjoy! Mike ( comes back and grabs Servo): Come on! Tom: Whoa! Crow: Ahhh! (they rush out) (end) .