Bit: All the segments from Episode K04

Episode: K04 - Gamera vs. Barugon

Transcribed by Mark Worhatch

[SOL]

SEGMENT 1

Joel: Hey, thanks for coming to Mystery Science Theater 3000. My name is Joel Hodgson, and today's movie is Gamera vs. Barugon, which I think is an anagram for Gamera. It's a Japanese movie about an atomically, anatomically mutated turtle. Now, thinking back about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it isn't all that weird after all, if you think about it. Anyway, can we have the phone number up on the screen, Cambot? We got a lot of calls last week, and we'd like you to call in and leave your message or comment, if you'd like. I'd like to play one of those. Cambot, could you decode it and give it to me, CG on a star field background? Here it is:
Caller: Today's the 27th, and I just watched the program with my 3 year old and 6 year old. It was so good . . . it was really fun and I hope to see a lot more of it. Thanks.
Joel: And that wasn't even one of our better ones. Back to the movie - Oh, we've got movie sign. It's Gamera vs. Barugon, and you'll believe a giant anatomically correct turtle can fly.

Joel: Hey, thanks a lot for calling in, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages.
Tom: Hey, Joel. Let's listen to one of the messages.
Joel: Okay, that's a good idea. Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen, and give it to me one time, CG bold Helvetica straight up on two?
Caller: I really enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.
Tom: What a complete wingnut!
Joel: Well, listen, Servo. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great.
Crow: Is that so Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an anti-spasmodic.
Tom: Can I say something to our friendly caller, Joel?
Joel: Of course, Servo.
Tom: Hey, buddy! Is that your head, or did your neck blow a bubble?
Joel: You should talk. I think we should listen to another one.
Caller: Great stuff! More, more, more, more, MORE, GIMME MORE! I WANT MORE!!!
Crow: Oh, he must mean Dave More.
Tom: No, he's on TV-4.
Crow: No, that's More on 4.
Tom: No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow: No, that's More by 4.
Tom: Isn't that an off road truck?
Crow: No, that's a 4 by 4.
Tom: No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow: No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom: No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.
Crow: No, that's 10W40. My favorite lubricant!

Joel: Wintergreen or regular?
Gypsy: Wintergreen.
Joel: Okay, now by applying this chapstick over on the upper lip, and a little on the lower, it brings out your features.
Gypsy: I still feel . . .
Joel: how are you doing, Crow?
Crow: Good. Tastes good. Feels good.
Joel: Is good?
Gypsy: Looks good?
Joel: Cambot, can you bring it in a little bit, it's time to play another message. Do the same imaging as before.
Caller: Hello, Satellite of Love, this is Dave from Minneapolis. I think you should have less movie and more chapstick on your show.
Gypsy: What does he want from us? We're using all the chapstick we can! (cries for the rest of the segment)
Joel: I know, I know, honey. Listen, I know it's hard, that's okay.
Crow: I understand how she feels. She's got the biggest lips on the ship. In fact, she's the only robot with lips.
Joel: Yeah I know, I made her that way. Well, listen. I think we're only thinking of ourselves, robots. I think next week we'll try to work in even more chapstick. Oh, we've got movie sign. We'll see you on the other side, bye.

Joel: Chapstick stuff? I'm sick of it.
Crow: I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"
Joel: Crow, listen! Crow, get a grip on yourself!
Crow: Oh, hey, perhaps the caller said "slapstick," not "chapstick."
Joel: Movie sign! Let's cheese it!

Crow: Do you have Prince Albert, in the can?
Phone voice: Yes we do.
Tom: Well you'd better let him out, he'll suffocate!
Joel: Hey, come on you guys. Hey, this communicator is not a toy.
Crow: We called Dominos and we ordered 30 of your Earth pizzas.
Tom: And we're gonna get them free for sure, because there's no way they can get them to us, at all!
Joel: That makes a lot of sense, Servo. Very good.
Crow: And we learned something else. You can order pizza for other people, too.
Tom: I sure hope Dan Quayle is hungry! Ha ha ha!
Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom: What's a "doggie do?"
Crow: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street . . .
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow: . . . fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. rrr! rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and . . .

[credits]

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