Bit: The Observers' Pill Diet

Episode: 807- Terror From the Year 5000

Transcribed by Clay Kronke

[SOL]

(M&TB come out of the theater to see three bowls of pills)

Tom & Crow (simultaneously): Hey, LOOK! (They look at each other and shout, simultaneously...) Jinx! Onetwothreefourfivesix--
Mike: Hey, uh, evolved-beyond-body brainguys? What, uh, thank you--what are they?

[Observer Planet]

(Pearl and Bobo fight in background, mediated by Observer 3, Observers 1 & 2 talk to Mike)

Observer 1: Ah, having evolved beyond bodies...
Observer 2: And language...
Observer 1: Guess what else we've evolved beyond?
Observer 2: Give up?

[SOL]

Tom: Ooh! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know...foooood!
Mike (picking one of the pills from the bowl): Y'know, this is a small pill to be so nutritionally all-encompassing. I would imagine in this tiny pill is the equivalent of a full day's supply of nutrients.

[Observer Planet]

Observer 2: One pill? Perhaps.
Observer 1: Though were you to eat only one, you would hardly derive full benefit from our remarkable pills.

[SOL]

Tom: Oh okay, so two or three pills, that's gotta be all you need, given how advanced you guys are, and all.

[Observer Planet]

Observer 1: Shhh. With the simple use of what we call a "spoon"...
Observer 2: Do you understand?
Observer 1: You simply place a generous portion in your mouth...
Observer 2: And repeat the process.

[SOL]

Crow (while Mike chops up vegetables): So, a bowl then. A smallish bowl, and you're set for the day, right?

[Observer Planet]

Observer 2 (through a mouthful of pills): No, it'd be pretty light if you held it to a bowl a day.
Observer 1 (mouthful): Well said...four or five bowls.
Observer 2 (mouthful): Nay, ten bowls of our non-food pills every day.
Observer 1 (mouthful): Got to eat a lot to keep your weight up.

[SOL]

Tom: The weight of your body, which of course you've evolved beyond...(exploding) Well what is the POINT of having these pills if you have to eat so many of them?! I mean WHAT IS THE POINT?!!
Crow: Shh, Servo!

[Observer Planet]

Observer 2 (ignoring him, mouth crammed full of pills): If you're hardgainers, uh, twelve, even fifteen bowls a day.
Observer 1 (mouthful): I just, I look at our non-food and I balloon up, but this guy, he can eat all he wants. I mean look at him, (laughs) he stays so thin, look at him, look at this guy.

[SOL]

Mike (working with a skillet, suddenly the Frugal Gourmet): Oh, that's great. Well, what I've done here though is I've made some parmesan-encrusted pillcakes, and I just put some of these through a ricer here, and you just form them into patties--can I get a shot of that, please? And you can see that they're just very lightly done, and that's a light meal you can have any time, and, uh, it's just some shantorels, and some woodears and a little bit of shallots; sautee 'em in a pan for about five minutes, then. We're gonna be back to enjoy this, uh, these things right after this, so, um, we'll see you later and I bid you peace.

(commercial sign)

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