Bit: Digger Smolken Sings

Episode 806- The Undead

Transcribed by dgporter@pacbell.net (with an assist from Todd Berryman)

[SOL]

Mike: I told you guys, I thought "Digger Smolken" sounded familiar, so I dug out this old album I bought at a garage sale at the same time I bought my beloved copy of Sean Cassidy's "Wasps."
Tom: Mike, every single reference to your past paints an ever darker picture of a damaged, lonely little man.
Mike: Aah, sez you! You wanna hear Digger Smolken or not?
Tom: Are you kidding? Slap that on there, you wonderful man!
Mike: Okay, here we go.... (puts stylus down on phonograph)
Crow (reading the album cover): "Digger Smolken, the darkly comic song stylist of our times, reinterprets the World's greatest hits."
Voice of Digger (singing soulfully to the tune of "Send in the Clowns): "Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? (All react with dismay.) Losing..." (Mike lifts stylus.)
Mike: I was afraid of that. Alright, try this one here.... (Puts stylus down at another point on the record.)
Voice of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No"): "I'm just a CORPSE who can't say FILLLTH, I'm in a terrible RAT!" (All react with nausea. Mike lifts stylus again.)
Mike: Yeah, I think we get the idea on that one. (Places stylus at yet another point.)
Voice of Digger (singing boldly to the tune of "76 Trombones"): "Sevety-six dead RATS in the ceme-t'ry, with a hundred and ten CORP-SES in the..." (All have heard enough. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Uh, Mike, you don't happen to have that Sean Cassidy album with you, do you?
Mike: No, no. It's gotta get better that this, come on, let's try this one. (Places stylus on record.)
Voice of Digger (Singing quickly to the tune of "Pick-a-Little Talk-a-Little"): "Kill a little, die a little! Kill a little, die a little! ROT ROT ROT! Die a lot, kill a little more. Kill a little, die a little!" (All are appalled. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Go on to the next one it's one of his "lonesome country hits."
Voice of Digger (Spoken, soulfully, to the tune of "Hello Walls"): "Hello, FILTH. I didn't see you standing there..." (All react with growing irritation. Mike lifts stylus.)
Crow: Try the next cut. It's called "Suite Judy Blue-Rat."
Mike (hesitant): Okay. I think we know what's going on.... (Puts stylus down on record.)
Voice of Digger (to the tune of "Suite Judy Blue-eyes"): "It's getting to the CORPSE, and I'm no FILLLTH any more...." (All are losing patience. Mike lifts stylus.)
Tom: I'm picking up a pattern here....
Crow: Try cut number 16. The liner notes say: "Smolken's tone-pallette is so rich, it's particularly well-suited for music of the early Romantic period." Well!
Mike: Oh, yeah. I'll hear that when I believe it. Okay.... (puts stylus down.)
Voice of Digger (To the opening notes of Beethoven's 5th Symphony): "Ba-ba-ba-FILLLTH! Ba-ba-ba-CORRRPSE! Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-CORPSE, ba-ba-ba-RATS! Ba-ba-ba-FILTH, ba-ba-ba-RATS, ba-ba-ba-DEATH! Ba-ba-ba-DEATH! (Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH! (Ba-ba-ba-RATS!) Ba-ba-ba-DEATH, RAT, CORRRRRPSE!!! BAH-BAH-BAH-COFFIIIIN!!!"
Mike: Okay, well, I think we've heard enough of that one... (lifts stylus).
Crow: Hold on! It says he does "a touching STRAIGHT version of 'Greensleeves.'"
Mike: Oh, okay, well, let's see.... (puts stylus down).
Voice of Digger (singing plainly): "Alas, my love, you do me wrong to put me off discourteously..." (All are pleasantly surprised.)
Tom: Kinda nice....
Voice of Digger: "...and I have loved you for so long, delighting in you comp'ny..."
Mike: Nice voice.
Voice of Digger: "Greensleeves is what she wore, and Greensleeves was my delight. Haste, haste to bring her lot, who but my la-dy FILLLTH!!!" (All are once again irritated. Mike raises stylus.)
Mike: Ah! Nah. Of course, there it is. We knew he'd get to it. (To Cambot.) We'll be right back. Try this first cut again.... (puts stylus down on record.)Voice of Digger: "Isn't it RATS? Aren't we a CORPSE? Losing my COFFIN this time of the..."

(cut)

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