Bit: Waffles and Stuff
Episode: 317- Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent
[SOL]
Joel (to Cambot): Hey, hi.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson. These
are my robots. I want you to consider the lowly waffle.
Tom: Uh, Joel.
It's lunchtime, buddy. You know, I'd rather have a manwich,
or a blowney sandwich.
Joel: Oh
nonsense, Tom. Any time's the right time for waffles!
Crow: Uh, Joel. I
think the butter slipped off of your stack 'o' waffles,
buddy. Are you feeling okay?
Joel: Sure.
Magic
Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen
seconds. What are you making there, partner?
Joel (to Magic
Voice): I'm making
waffles! And save room, Magic Voice. I made plenty. (To
Cambot.) Consider the waffle as a fine and suitable
alternative for stuffing or potatoes. Because after all,
what are waffles, but batter? And what is batter but chopped
up grain? You know, there's tons of stuff you can do with
waffles, you know. Take some peanut butter and some syrup
and make a sandwich, or wrap the hotdog in a waffle and
garnish with ketchup ('bots groan in nausea and disgust.)
There's tons of stuff you can do...
Magic
Voice: Commercial sign in 5, 4,
3, 2, commercial sign now. (Lights flash.)
Joel: ...baked
beans are always good...
[COMMERCIAL]
(Joel is still rattling off recipes, the
bots are now wretching with disgust)
Joel: ...well, I
like to put chili on mine for a real "south of the border"
taste! And if you're really into it, take some waffle batter
and mix it with milk, and you've got a waffle shake. But
don't tell the kids it's good for 'em. For a delicious
spinach waffle...
Tom: Joel...Joel,
the mad scientists are calling.
Joel: I've got
plenty for them too!
Crow: I'll get
it.
[Deep 13]
(Dr. F. is delighted that Joel has
apparently gone insane, Frank has an index card and a
pen.)
Dr.
F.: Well, Aunt Jamima, this time
you've really stepped off the deep end. Frank?
Frank: Now do you
shred the Swiss cheese, or just slice it really thin?
Dr.
F.: Frank, this time I'm really
going to hurt you.
Frank: ...I
understand.
Dr.
F.: Why don't you go get this
weeks invention exchange, all right?
Frank: Yes
sir...thank you, sir...you've been very kind to me...
Dr.
F.: Frank, you have no clue.
Well, Aunt Jemima. Our invention exchange, this week, has to
do with meat! Frank?
Frank: Well, you
know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out
great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up
at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU."
But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have
stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat
back to life?"
Dr.
F.: That's right. That's why
we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
Frank: Clear!
(Hits chicken with meat re-animator; chicken gets up and
starts wobbling around.)
Dr.
F.: It's alive! Alive! My
corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
Frank: You know,
I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird
mamajama.
Dr.
F.: What do you think, Cara
Cutley?
[SOL]
Joel: Chicken waffles?
Crow: Oh, you're
weird. Which results in creativity.
Joel: Which
results in my latest invention exchange. It's a very literal
interpretation of the old waffle iron. Let's say you love
traditional waffles, but you like the classic simplistic
styling of the old pancake. No problem. Just douse it with a
little Mrs. Butterworth's Spray Starch like that...okay.
Cover it with a cloth to avoid burns, and iron.
Crow: Say!
Tom: Gee, it
turns an ordinary waffle into a, uh, flat waffle.
Joel: And clean
up is a breeze. What do you think sirs?
Tom: Ancient
Chinese secret, huh?
Joel:
Hmmm?
[Deep 13]
Frank (in knife fight with chicken): Dear
God, what have I done?!
Dr.
F.: What the heck is going on up
there? (Referring to meat re-animator) Hey, Frank, will
these work on waffles?
Frank: Uh, yeah.
I think so.
Dr.
F.: Well, Joel. Today's
experiment is a little piece of slime from Roger Corman
called "Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent," but first, a
little lesson in "Home Economics." Here's waffle for you,
Scarecrow! (puts meat re-animator against screen)
Joel (waffles
jumping and flying all over SOL): Living
waffles?! Oh, we've got movie siiign!!!
[segment two]
(The bridge of the SOL is covered with a
gigantic pile of waffles)
Joel: Okay, hey,
take it easy, whoa whoa whoa, hold it up. What I've done is
reprogram the robots to love waffles as much as I do. And
what we're gonna do is name some important new uses for
waffles during this segment. Okay, who's got one?
Crow: Uh, easy to
read waffles with enlarged squares for the flavor
impaired!
Joel: Good,
okay.
Tom: Buckwheat
waffles make an excellent shammy for cleaning your car!
Joel: Good.
Gypsy: Dr.
Scholl's Waffle Pads?
Joel: Huh? Oh,
okay...Now, careful. These are just for demonstration. It
would be too bad if the robots got too into it.
Crow: Well, I've
always been a breakfast fan myself. You know me.
Tom: Crow, we
should really be working on the assignment, but look! They
look so good! What a taste teaser!
Gypsy:
[inaudible]
Joel: Take it
easy now. It would be too bad, if, uh, you robots, uh, we're
unable to complete your task because of this big, uh, juicy
stack of yummy nummies.
Crow: Oh,
waffles...
Tom: Crow! Crow!
Get a grip. Gypsy, don't you see what he's trying to do?
Snap out of it! Remember the waffle ideas. Waffle dress
shields, waffle desk organizers, come on!
Crow: [inaudible]
(Crow and Gypsy dive head first into pile of waffles)
Tom: Nice try,
buddy.
Joel: That's
okay, Tom. Can you just give me one?
Tom: Okay.
Acoustic tiles.
Joel: Go on,
Tom.
Tom: HA HA! Look
out, here comes Tom Servo!!! (Servo dives into waffles)
Joel: How about a
Greek waffle called a philofal?
[Cut.]
[Segment 3]
(After a couple seconds of silence, Joel
walks into view with a plate of waffles)
Joel (when done
chewing):....Waffles!
(lights and klaxons) Hooo, we've got movie sign!!!
(Doors open)
[Segment 4]
(Servo is surrounded by waffles)
Tom: *Burp* Boy,
am I full. I ate too much. I'm begging to think the world
would be a better place without waffles! (Crow enter left,
adorned with waffles)
Crow: No
waffles?!
Tom: Uh, who are
you?
Crow: Why, I'm
Willy the Waffle! The wonderful, whimsical, wisecracking
waffle!
Tom: Huh.
Crow: Can I ask
you one question?
Tom: Uh,
sure.
Crow: Who the
hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Do you know
the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people?
Most of them named Chad? (Joel enters right with pad and
pencil.)
Joel: Hi, welcome
to Jo-Jo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is game
enforced waffles with jack sauce. We also have. (Joel
exits)
Crow: Sorry,
Chad. We have to lay you off. No waffles. *whistle* Little
league baseball would also be impossible without waffles!
(Joel enters with hat and baseball glove.)
Joel: Mom! Little
league practice is in an hour, can I have some waffles?
(Joel exits.)
Crow: Sorry, son.
No waffles. *whistles*
Tom: Nice read
there Joel, that was...
Crow: Most
importantly, do you think Communism and the Soviet Union
would have ever been destroyed if it weren't for
waffles?
Tom: Come on,
what a... (Joel enters with a Russian style hat on.)
Joel (in Russian
accent): Hey hey! The
crew is a success. All we do now is -- Oh no! Boris Yeltsin,
and the crowd in red square is eating waffles and we will
crush them now. (Joel exits and come back without hat.)
Crow: That's
right. The Russian people. Maple syrup stain on Gorvechav's
forehead spells one thing: Free on. *whistle*
Tom: Come on you
guys. I was just being ironic. You guys love waffles so
much, here have some of mine. I got plenty.
Crow: Oh, that's
okay. I'm kinda full. I'm not really into waffles.
All: Oh! Du-du-du, du-du, du. Boing!
Crow: Come on
Tom, we got a party to go to!
All: Du-du-du....du-du-du....
[Cut.]
[Segment 5]
All (chanting):
Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!
Waffles!
Joel: Join us
everybody, come on Cambot. Give me triple berry!
Joel and the bots
sing the waffle song
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Tom:
Pancakes!!!
Dr.
F.: Let's face it, sticky
fingers. Waffles are no more than a vehicle for butter and
syrup.
All: What?!
Joel: They are
not!!!
Crow: Hey, you
watch you're mouth around waffles!!!
Dr.
F.: Ha ha ha, I've got you!
(rubbing meat re-animator) Now Frank, I want you to set this
up, so they get a high voltage shock every time someone says
"waffle."
Frank (eating
waffles): What, has
someone been saying "waffles" a lot?
(Dr. F. gives Frank a shock to the shammies. Cut.)
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