Episode 805- The
Thing that Couldn't Die
Movie
Summary: Her husband having
committed suicide (one presumes), a viciously greedy widow
named Flavia (?) raises her dim daughter Jessica on an arid
southwestern ranch. While out "dousing" for water one day,
the comely Jessica stumbles on an ancient box, buried back
in the long ago times. Nasal Flavia keeps bleating about
"traysure," but instead the box contains the goateed head of
a not-to-be-trusted Englishman. With the unwitting help of
some dude ranch guests (did I mention Flavia also runs a
dude ranch, and employs rock stupid criminals?), said head
is freed from his box and uses about 14% of his other
worldly powers to mind-control the majority of this wretched
crew.
Within minutes he is connected to his also-buried body and
is then knocked over and dies. Alternate title: The Thing
That Died.
Prologue: Servo, working with funds provided by a grant
from Crow, produces fearless art that does not hold back in
its relentless attack on Crow. Crow attends Servo's gala
show opening and remarks that it all seems kind of negative.
"Oh I suppose you'd like me to paint dogs playing poker,"
says Servo; Crow is enthusiastic and provides another grant.
Segment
One: The SOL is pulled untold
light years at impossible speed toward an unknown planet.
There they meet the "Observers," three guys who have evolved
beyond language and brains who talk a lot and carry their
brains in pans. Pearl and Bobo are there, of course. Pearl:
"Hi, Nelson - what do you think of these characters - pretty
evolved, huh?" The Observers simply wish to observe Pearl's
ongoing experiment.
Segment Two: A thin condescending observer appears in the
SOL, to observe. He's pretty annoying. "I am certain," he
says of Mike from a distance of an inch, "that we shall find
him to be an animated piece of refuse, or feces..." Mike and
the 'Bots get fed up, hit the Observer with a clown hammer,
put him in a bag, and send him back to the planet.
Segment Three: The Observers, displaying a skill remarkably
like a trait found on planets in certain episodes of
Star Trek, are able to create whatever Mike is thinking,
only they get it wrong. Their first manifestation is
Finnegan, the Starfleet Academy upperclassman who tormented
Kirk so. Finnegan leaps, laughs, and pummels Mike, while an
Irish tune gaily plays. Mike tries to think of Adrienne but
mistakenly thinks of the Emperor Hadrian (who pummels him),
before finally settling on Ms. Barbeau (who pummels him).
Segment Four: Crow produces a Civil War documentary, at once
elaborate and hastily thrown together. Reminded that Ken
Burns has already made the ultimate Civil War documentary,
he's resolute: "Oh, but was it about the Civil War?" It's an
instant classic, combining Crow's huge ambition with his
innate inability to really work at anything. "The Civil War
was a war that took place during a certain period in our
nation's history. When, exactly? No one can say..."
Segment Five: An excited Servo, mimicking the movie, demands
that Mike hold his head by some hastily-assembled hair so
that he can terrify and mind-control Crow. Unfortunately,
Mike knocks Servo's head against the desk and sends it
flying, leaving him holding only the sad wig. Crow's not
frightened.
On the Observer's planet, Pearl and Bobo prepare to retire
for the night. There is only one bed; Bobo quickly realizes
his horrible mistake in presuming to settle in ahead of
Pearl. Under her withering stare, he straightens the
blankets, fluffs the pillow, leaves a mint, and heads
outside to sleep on the ground.
Reflections:
Stupid people: that's who seem to populate most of our
movies, and if ever there were an exception this is not it.
Of course you've got your obviously stupid people, like the
great lunk Mike whose mind is first controlled by the dead
Englishman, yet there's a straightforward honesty to his
stupidity that is refreshing in comparison to the more
aggressive variety displayed by his boss, the dry and greedy
Flavia. Every character in this movie, each in his own
special way, is stupid, including the evil Englishman (the
guy who couldn't die who dies) and the dim fellows who
originally cursed and buried him.
Am I being unfair? No. -- Paul Chaplin
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