Alert reader Matthew got the ball rolling by writing:
While watching “Teen-age Strangler” the other night, I wondered to myself, “Hey, I wonder if the Fastbacks (the gang that made an art of drag racing well w/in the speed limit) got in a rumble w/ Jaime’s oh-so-Klandictu No-shoulder Gang from “What About Juvenile Delinquency?”, who would win?”.
And that’s when I took that thought a step further – “OK, so lets assume that the Fastbacks took that one, what about, say, Benazir Bhutto and her gang of shakedown artists from “The Sinister Urge?”, could they handle those ladies?
Matthew went on to suggest an elaborate bracket competition that I think may be overkill for our purposes (though I welcome any reader to put one together if they have the time or inclination).
But it does bring up a vital question: Which tough guy/gal and/or tough gang from a MSTed movie could take all the others in a fight? Show your work!
Oh, and just to make it interesting, monsters, aliens and other non-human creatures don’t count.
I’m gonna go with Moon from “The Beatniks.” He was a badass and HE KILLED THAT FAT BARKEEP!
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It occurs to me that Pearl Forrester could probably take them all on. (Clayton Forrester, not so much.)
All the women from ‘Racket Girls’ (although some of them I’m not quite sure are women.)
I would nominate Jeane Claude Gosh Darne from ‘Future War’ as the toughest guy. He beats up dinosaurs! :shock:
How about?
Jean Claude von Darn vs. the zombie son in Zombie Nightmare
That Magnificent Bastard Rommel vs. JC (a steel cage rematch)
Beverly Garland vs. Babs (HoSI)
Gloria (Sinister Urge-handicapped by rather tight pantsuits) vs. via special
guest appearance the big girl from the ugly tribe in The Wild Women of Wongo
—of The Film Crew—
================================================
Second round:
zombie vs. Rommel
Beverly vs. Gloria (Gloria wins by having her mob contacts make Beverly
an offer she can’t refuse)
==========================================
FINAL: zombie vs. Gloria
==========================================
Then a surprise final match:
winner of zombie vs. Gloria against Mr. B. Natural (since he/she/it can
take on either winner)
Btw, does anyone else keep thinking Bridget Jones Nelson when
watching Mr. B Natural’s spiel for quality supermarket freezers?
no more calls we have a winner. i know it’s only a bit part in “revenge of the creature” but if theres trouble in the lab i want clint eastwood as one of my lab techs!! for toughest gal if i could i’d say gypsy for putting up w/the boy’s all those years! but as #20 said if u went to catholic school the nuns in girls town are the ez winners. i can almost feel the ruler to the knuckles now!!!
How about Big Stupid from Girl in Lovers’ Lane? As long as he’s not got Danny weighing him down, I like the luckless drifter in an alley brawl.
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55 responses so far and I can’t believe that no one has mentioned Mike, Terry and Al from “Teenage Crime Wave”. Tough, heartless (almost; they didn’t off the matron) and armed, they are a match for almost anyone. It would be interesting, though to match them off against Banjo, Jeeter, Fats and Linda from Wild Rebels. Probably better armed, but with shotguns that don’t shoot straight. I’d love to see that. For the kicks, baby!
I’d also like to add Ralph Valmar and his mob from “Danger Diabolik”. He would just take over using high tech tools that neither the bad guys nor the cops would be able to touch. And if anyone doesn’t agree with him… Out of the plane. And admit it. He killed MST3k. The all time baddest of the bad.
There is also Cal Meachum. A man so tough that he saved Ruth by doing absolutely nothing.
The amazing Rondo Hatton
Dave Ryder from “Space Mutiny”, the greatest hero and the toughest guy of the bunch. I know of no other because there is no other. His primal scream of power and rage rattled the inner walls of any and all of his adversaries. His dignity and good-heart also makes him the toughest and most glorious of the heroes, earning him the trust of Commander Alex Jansen and the love of the vivacious Lea Jansen. He’s the only one I could ever choose.
By the way… who’s Mitchell?
Having not read any post yet, since I am short on time, I want to quickly point out that Banjo from Wild Rebels was real basket case from what I read.
There is an article floating around the web if you look for it that lays all this out.
It is an interview from within the last several years with the “in it for the kicks” lead actress from Wild Rebels, where she states that Banjo wasn’t even an actor, but that he was a boxer and in his first film ever.
She also said that he scared the living crap out of her, and that the guy that played ‘fats’ was the only down to earth human being of the group with whom she felt any warmth from.
Do a search on her (whatever he real name is) and ‘wild rebels’, and you should be able to find this article/interview.
It was fascinating reading for me, since I have always found this movie to be one my favorite mst3k episodes ever, and in my top 5 of Joel episodes.
I have to say, for toughest gang, I’d go with the badass ladies of SWAMP DIAMONDS! I think they could take any of the other “gangs” out there. Plus they have the added bonus of Beverley Garland…but CRAZY Beverley Garland!
My picks for toughest, some facetious and some not:
– Louis Moffitt, he feared not in Ring Of Terror.
– Ator in Cave Dwellers.
– Sinbad in Magic Voyage of Sinbad.
– Linda in Wild Rebels.
Cabot! Cabot! Cabot! Cabot? Cabot!!!
Do quasi-superpowered guys count? If so, then: Toughest Guy….”Butcher” Benton, he’s Unbreakable, despite a shocking ending.
Toughest Girl: Marshall Rose Hood(Gunslinger)
Toughest Gang(male): Satoris and his crew of Canadian cultists(The Final Sacrifice) “Oh yah, doz guys were bad news, eh?”
Toughest Gang(female): The Viking Women(The Saga of the Viking Women)
Toughest Gang(Mixed): The all-human crew of Bacchus 3, recall Ken was just raised among aliens but was not one himself.(Fugitive Alien 1&2)
Toughest guy-Vadinho. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Didn’t he attach dynamite to himself and go straight to the villain’s mansion? Ator would be a close second. Toughest woman-The Gunslinger.
My 1st. impulse is to say Godzilla and Jet Jaguar.
Seriously though, I fail to see any mortal beat Iylia (The Sword and the Dragon) losing to any mortal.
“Warren says:
October 24, 2010 at 12:58 am
Toughest guy-Vadinho. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Didn’t he attach dynamite to himself and go straight to the villain’s mansion? Ator would be a close second. Toughest woman-The Gunslinger.”
Absolutely.
Toughest Guy: Ator in “Cave Dwellers.” Not only did Ator almost singlehandedly defeat that “Mean John Saxon Guy” and his army of prehistoric ruffians, he invented the SoloFlex, the hang glider, TNT, and (apparently) the atomic bomb millennia before Robert Oppenheimer.
Toughest Girl: Paula Parkins in Teenage Crime Wave. Paula’s got it all. She’s a straight-A student, she’s pretty, she looks great in silk pajamas or bobby socks and a tight (angora?) sweater. She and her other rich gal pals vandalize schools at the behest of the Kremlin, rob gas stations, and most preposterously, gang rape guys in the woods. Finally, Paula’s last words “So what?!” are featured in a Ministry song so that’s got to count for something.
Sorry, I meant Paula Parkins in “The Violent Years.”
D’oh!
T@65-Enjoyed your comments but I have to disagree with the CCC, Canadian Cult Crew, nomination. Troy, of all people, slipped through their bacon greased fingers throughout the film. They probably could not see out of those tiny eye holes in their masks. Additionally, it took six to beat up Rowsdower. One on one, Rowsdower mopped up the place with them and they were armed. I believe their group wimpiness is reflected by a lack of Rowsdower nominations.
@71 Well, the way I was making my decisions was based on the idea that none of the choices would be all that effective within the confines of their own movies. Being the bad guys they have to be defeated by the good. Thus I was thinking they would be more effective against those from different movies. For example I could definitely see the CCC defeating the biker gang from Wild Rebels because there’s nothing scarier or more dangerous than a zealot in my opinion.
LOL! I yield to your line of reasoning. Let us all not forget that zealots are merely the flip side of patriots.
Let’s not forget the two slimy syndicate guys who mysteriously appear in Gloria’s house during The Sinister Urge. The one guy is so tough, despite the fact he talks like Sylvester the cat and looks like Slim Whitman. I bet they both left grease stains on Gloria’s chairs!
As for tough lady, I would have to go along with Beverly Garland in any of her MST3K roles.
Let’s face it, Beverly is probably every MSTies’ favorite actress, period.
the milk throwing, school skiping, bongo drum hating, werewolf from… “I was a Teenage Werewolf”
That one nameless extra that punched the snot out of the main character in Werewolf, that took brass especially for a one scene character.
Without looking at anyone else’s posts (as always), off the cuff I’d say the Wild Rebels — the “Satan’s Angels” if I recall correctly.
They just didn’t give a ****, did they? Shoot ’em all, that’s what they excelled at.
I don’t think any other gang in MST history was quite that out of control.
I nominate the tough guy from 320 – The Unearthly. He was a little on the shrill side, but still…
Toughest guy? Lt. Lewis in The Dead Talk Back. About as direct as Joe Friday, he’s a hardass!!
Toughest gal? Potato eating mom in Deathstalker. She clearly made sure Deathstalker know what they do eat.
Jan in the Pan from the Brain that Wouldn’t Die. Oh which Hercules, Steve Reeves or Alan Steel?
Gang: It has to be the Wild Rebels. Just in terms of body count, these guys blow away all competitors. They kill about a dozen cops and fight to the death. Pretty darn tough.
Man: #60 is right, it’s probably Dave Ryder from Space Mutiny. I know he’s a goof in a bad movie, but he is clearly a big, tough slab of beef.
Woman: Grandma/sis from Touch of Satan gets my vote here. Does the curse give her super-strength or something? She can toss around people more than a century younger than her like tenpins.
Monster: Now and forever, Godzilla. Other monsters need not apply.
The only ones I can think of are the greasy raspy-voiced Mob gut [“TONY!!!”] in Final Justice and the Fat sweaty apple-cheeked evil corporate guy in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [“FINGALLLL YOOOOU ARE MIIIINE…”].
Male: Bottom line, don’t mess with Jack “Eat Lead Spring!” Frost.
Female: Cleolanta, ruler of Ofecius (sp?), a woman so hard and cold she was willing to exterminate an inhabited world rather than evacuate her own and risk ruling her iron grip on her people.
Gang: One can’t help but go with the rock ’em, sock ’em nuns from Girls Town. Hey, unlike all the other “refrom school girls” movies, the girls who come into their care actually seem to REFORM so that’s gotta count for something.
The children in Invasion of the Neptune Men were pretty tough. They could go anywhere they wanted to and no one could stop them.
I think we can all agree that they all would get the mother of all beatdowns from the giant Amazon in the dancing scene in “The Horror at Party Beach.” My she was frightening to behold.
Ross Hagen is Hellcats. Tough guy and he made love to the redhead on a mattress spring. OUCH!
Yeah, a voting bracket would be cool. Way cool. Awesome!
In fact, I’ve put one on my website!
http://www.magicmarkerweb.com/mst3kreview/main.htm
The zombie from Zombie Nightmare, you have to be one tough mother to skewer a guy with a baseball bat.
Well, the baddest female would have to be Mafuschka from “Jack Frost”, and it would be even deadlier when she teamed up with her mother.
Baddest male? Our antique lover from “Squirm”, because if he was able to handle the “crazy worm guy”, he could handle anyone!
I’m gonna go with David Worth, the director of Warrior of the Lost World, who showed up at an MST3K panel, embraced his failure of a movie and took his licks with a smile. That takes real courage!
Yuri from Werewolf. The guy managed to get killed, sure, but it was by a superhuman supernatural creature with giant fangs and claws and stuff. Otherwise, he just casually beat up pretty much anyone he wanted with little provocation and no consequences. Everyone in that movie should have been scared to death of that short-fused maniac.
How about Nick from Hobgoblins, who was able to be up and at ’em (in more ways than one, nudge-nudge) twenty minutes after a full immolation?
Oh, and to respond to the RL story of the actor who played Banjo, I believe he got the part because he was friends with Steve Alaimo. And yeah, I’ve read about him being a boxer as well.
Man: I was going to choose Rommel, but because he got shot in the back by JC, his badassery is diminished.
I’m gonna go with Big Stupid. He’s a cold, bitter drifter, can kick the crap out of an back-alley thug or cross-eyed creep and can cooly turn down a bathing prostitute without blinking an eye. And he hates hittin’ dames, but will if he has to. Cool AND tough.
Woman: Beverly Garland in…ANYTHING. She can kill entire scores of Old West no-goodniks, take on alien pickles or look good AND bad in hotpants.
Gang: The Wild Rebels. They do it for the kicks! They don’t care about the money, they just wanna kill! And they don’t care who they kill, they just do it.
Jorge Rivero as Yuri in “Werewolf” has to be the toughest guy in an MST3K movie. He beats up his employees for wanting to take a water break, proves he isn’t a psychopath by assaulting the person who accused him with an ancient artifact, and turned a security guard into a werewolf apparently just to see what would happen if said werewolf went for a drive. Toughest. Baddest. Guy.
Rebecca Ferratti as Talena in “Outlaw” is probably my favorite bad girl. She murders her husband, blames Cabot, her would-be son-in-law, for the murder, sleeps with Cabot’s best friend in order to use him as an alibi, and threatens Jack Palance’s life. Now THAT’S bad ass. I also can’t ignore the fact that she’s quite attractive. Hell…anyone who is brave enough to sleep with Watney Smith deserves to be Queen.
Toughest Guy has to go to the “Lil’ Junkie” from Angel’s Revenge. I mean he’s a 12 year old that takes out a drug dealer with an empty beer bottle smash to the head, then steals the drugs. That’s tough, bro.
Toughest Gal is definitely a 4 way tie between the “Swamp Diamonds” gang. They were ready to throw down with guns or fists at the drop of a hat and they took a MAN hostage. TOUGH!
Toughest Guy = TOR JOHNSON, period. I bet he could have beaten up Steve Reeves (in real life).
Other tough guys – Big Jake, Banjo and Daddy-O.
Oh yeah, and Moon is the least toughest ‘tough guy’ ever! ‘Leather Coat’ singing nancy boy beat him up!
Sorry, but the ladies in Swamp Diamonds can’t be considered all that tough. The protagonist was able to subdue them whenever she needed to and Touch Connors managed to completely overcome one of them despite being tied up at the time and thus having no use of his hands.
I agree that Moon was very far from tough. Peter Breck’s character in The Crawling Hand was tougher than that beaten-up-by-wimpy-Tony nancyboy Moon.