“Just Stop and Aim, You Idiots!”
Crow gives this free advice to the mutineers in “Space Mutiny” and I realized something. Had they actually followed this little “Duh!” nugget, it would have completely changed the outcome of the movie; Ryder is dead, the ship is overthrown and Kalgan is in control.
Of course, it would ruin the movie but lives would be saved, etc.Therefore, what in-movie advice would you give that would greatly affect events or your favorite Mst3k movies? You can’t reveal plot points or secrets and you only get one intervention, but you have the undivided attention of the character or group of characters.
I’ll go with “Killer Shrews.” When Thorne and Griswold arrive, three of the five who are trapped on the island casually stroll down to the beach to meet them. With danger imminent (that’s why Jerry was armed and an 8-foot fence had been constructed) and your salvation arriving as scheduled, have Mario and Radford join you and get on the stupid boat!
I’ve said this before but I’ll say again: John Forsythe, TELL THE COPS THAT ANN-MARGRET IS IN YOUR HOUSE!!
Your advice?
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“May I speak to the Senior Director of SPACOM? Sir, have you really looked at the team involved in the Project Moonbase operation? Col. Briteis is a whiny incompetent. ‘Dr. Wernher’ is obviously a Russian spy. And Gen. Greene and Major Moore are both chauvinist sexual harassers. I think maybe you should can the whole bunch of them and start over with a new team. It’ll save you a whole lot of trouble in the long run. And ditch the skullcaps, too; they look stupid.”
Or…
“Claire, I realize you love your crazy, paranoid scientist of a husband. And I realize he got done over by the government over credit for his work. But, he’s starting to talk to Venusians about world conquest. Call the Feds, smash that transmitter, and look for a good marriage counselor or divorce attorney. And trade the Winchester for an RPG launcher, just in case.”
Or…
“Tom, Meg’s a really nice girl. She seems very understanding. Just tell her about your previous relationship with Vi. Don’t hold anything back. It may hurt a lot, but you two can get over it. And make sure Vi knows that it’s absolutely, definitely over between the two of you, and stick to it. Oh, and have somebody lock up that lighthouse; it’s not safe.”
Here are two pieces of advice for Japan that would radically alter the outcome of several movies:
1. Stop letting children have free access to high officials, military bases, battle zones and danger areas.
2. Buy them some real pants.
Sidehackers: Rommell- send JC away. DO not associate with him in any way.
In “City Limits”, I’d point out to Lee that he’s got a pretty nice set up living out in the country with Darth Vader’s voice. Heck, he’s even got a hot girl there who’s willing to skinny dip with him. He’s much better off staying there, rather than running off to join some stupid biker gang in the post-holocaust city.
He might want to find a new source of drinking water, though.
The townsfolk in “The Creeping Terror” should be told not to crawl into the monster’s mouth.
In “The Skydivers”, I would let Suzy know that you can buy acid at any hardware or pool supply store. No need to “do” the local pharmacist for it.
In “The Beast of Yucca Flats” (and pretty much all the Coleman Francis movies), I’d tell the authorities that taking potshots with a high power rifle from an aircraft, at random people on the ground, is not good law enforcement.
In “Jack Frost”, I’d just have one word of advice for Nastinka’s dad: Divorce!
Advice that might have spared us all a whole lot of bad movies:
Whatever you don, “DON’T tamper in God’s domain!”
310 (& 318 would be unnecessary) kill him with a forklift!
817 don’t dump toxic waste
1012 don’t get off the bus, ginger-snap
To the giant pickle in It Conquered the World:”Man is a feeling creature and, therefore, it might be a good idea to just stay home on Venus.”
In “Leech Woman” I would advise June to get some counseling for her neediness and low self-esteem, dump Dr. Misogyny, and find a decent guy who would appreciate her rather than just stringing her along to be used as a lab experiment.
I would tell Adam Chance that secret agents are more appealing when they wear tailored suits instead of cardigans, and trade witty bon mots with super villains in Monte Carlo instead of hanging out in dumpy apartments telling old guys about “keeping the pie on the table”.
In “Boggy Creek II” someone should tell Tonya that her dingbat friend is not up to camping and should stay home. Doc should be advised not to wear shorts that were handed down to him from a little Japanese kid; Tim should be told to keep his shirt on; and everyone should be warned to stay away from Crenshaw.
I would tell Mick from Squirm to stop trying to get the Sheriff’s help, because a) there’s no way in hell he’ll ever believe you and b) what can he, apparently Fly Creek’s single law enforcer, do to stop thousands of tons of hungry worms from murdering the entire town? But, the sheriff ended up not mattering much in plot terms anyway. How about, Geri, after you’ve witnessed the worms biting into Mick and Roger’s flesh, use some semblance of logic to realize the worms probably also devoured Mr. Beardsley? Why is the identity of the skeleton even a question? Geri knew Mr. Beardsley lived alone. Oh, and also: trees can’t offer much sanctuary from the wriggling menace when we’ve already seen they can chew through tree roots and topple them over. In reality (assuming, of course, that in reality, large doses of electricity piss worms off to the point of homicide), the worms would knock that tree over too, scarf up our pale heroes, and Alma is the only survivor. An admirably bleak ending, actually.
Great topic. It overlaps a bit with the topic of “Stupid Characters”.
Here’s some advice that just occurred to me. While it wouldn’t “ruin” the movie, it sure would have taken it in a different direction. It’s for Big Stupid in The Girl in Lovers Lane — face it, Big, you’re gay. And that’s OK. But you’re leading Carrie on and breaking her heart, so stop.
Wow, that came out a lot more serious than I intended!
#114,Crensaw is the most likable caricature after Tania and the little boggy. As for advice for Riding With Death… why bother.
“and everyone should be warned to stay away from Crenshaw.”
The man did everything there was to do to get people to stay away, for cryin’ out loud! Stalled out his truck in the middle of the road in back ’48 (before he was born, but you know… science facts), smeared himself with what appears to be rancid alligator liver ooze, and he took up that ultimate symbol of antisocial behavior – the broccoli rubber headband. I did not mention the bib overalls since that is standard male attire in “The Bottoms”. Of course, Crenshaw could have skipped all that stuff and just left it at tobacco chewing. That alone would have been enough to keep away any “Man’s Kind of Woman” with a decent pair of frontal lobes. You young fellas can get Brain Guy to explain that last reference for you.
Mikey, for God’s sake don’t steal that bike!
I don’t care if you can’t act; I don’t care if you can’t write; I don’t care if your Mommy doesn’t love you – don’t rob the milk truck with that chess-playing beat-daddy coffee-shop-owning loser!
…and for the love of Pete:
Never laugh at his theories!
…especially if they involve walking catfish, psychical research, projection, or a “rice of pipple!”