It’s wedding planning season and Ryan writes:
So I was thinking: who from the mst3k movies would I want to stand up at my wedding, or should I say be at my bachelor party? It could even go on to say who would officiate? I would have Zap Rowsdower at the bachelor party only and plant dad from “Robot Holocaust” officiate.
Well, no bachelor party would be complete without Rowsdower. For the preacher I think I’d like the Tolliver, the crazy goat man from “The Slime People.” The maid of honor should be one of the giant girls from Village of the Giants (maybe all of them!) and for best man, you gotta pick Moon from “The Beatniks.” Kinda unreliable, but what a toast he’d make!
Your turn!
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At last…! ;)
Peter Graves is the obvious choice for me for giving a speech… his pontification in “It Conquered the World” (not to mention A&E’s “Biograhphy”) shows he’s got what it takes. Then again, since we’re there, seems like maybe the pickle (turnip? carrot? artichoke?) dude might be the life of the party?
I’d definitely like … who else? … the Fire Maidens as the maids of honor.
Gotta have Rodney the Exotic Dancer at the bachelorette party. He’d even bring his own cake!
I like to keep things simple, so I would have the German accented professor from Robot Monster officiate. Not only does he keep things brief, but he doesn’t care if you don’t dress formally. I would have chosen Merrit Stone from Tormented, but I’m afraid that crazy Vi would show up and kill all the flowers.
Johnny Longbone just for his great stew, with chicken, corn, green peppers, chili, (sigh) onions. (Longbone/Longbow – Whatever the hell his name is)
I’d have wanted Jack Palance to officiate, and John Carradine to sing “Sunrise, Sunset.” And of course, MJ to sing “When Loving Lovers Love.” (my husband and I actually danced to that at our wedding)
@ #2: Personally I’d go with Cleolanta-flavored Cake ‘N’ Shake for the bachelor party. Might also want Mr. Hall of Are You Ready for Marriage? vet you rather than rely on some dodgy compatibility quiz you found in Cosmo.
Thick McLargeHuge would make an awesome Best Man. His toast would conclude with the standard girlish scream and then a call to go out there and kick some a$$.
I might opt for the good reverend from The Screaming Skull, because, well, he’s just so soothing and, well, he looks so darn good in a collar! And his wife could poke nose into all our business.
My partner and I hate weddings (ours was a quick affair, after I wrote an exam in Modern British Poetry), so I’m going to say, There Was No Wedding.
But maybe when we’re done reading all of the great entries, we’ll change our minds and get married again, MST3K style. :)
Well, you could have the Manos brides as bridesmaids. During the reception, they’ll start a wrestling match during the bouquet throw.
You probably shouldn’t have Tucker from “Rebel Set” officiate. Sure, he’ll sound convincing during the ceremony, then he’d kill off the wedding party to have all the gifts for himself.
And the Del-Aires could provide the music for the reception.
But… But I’m Not Ready For Marriage!
Oh, come on!
Torgo for Best Man, The Master would Officiate!
I would have well, Satoris officiate my wedding. Because how cool would the vows sound in his Jesse Ventura dubbed voice? Rowdower could be best man and Troy could be flower girl!
Flower arrangements: Mickey from “Screaming Skull”
Catering: Benton from “Mitchell”. Just make sure he made enough soup.
Ushers: Torgo, Ortega, Hugo the Devil Doll and Eegah
Maid of Honor: Jan in the Pan
Bridesmaids: the girls of “Angels Revenge” (in their jumpsuits)
Best Man: Roger Bently (“The Mole People”) – he could pontificate during the reception
Officiant: Commander Santa Claus from “Space Mutiny” – the robes look the part
Music at the church: Chase from “The Giant Gila Monster” singing “And the Lord said laugh, children, laugh”
Music at the reception: Arch Hall Jr.’s combo that “swings” and the Pod People band
I’d have the MC from Club Scum announce the wedding party at the reception.
Not a person but I’d have MEGAWEAPON instead of the traditional limousine. Imagine the looks on management’s face when MEGAWEAPON pulled into the lot at the reception hall!
I like this. You’d run a risk, however, of Torgo, uh…. ALMOST fondling the bride, and the Master ending up as the groom. And you… well, you might want to see if you can find a Thigh Master on Craig’s list….
i definitely don’t want Krankor because no one really wants to hear ‘haa haa haa haa haaaaaa’ right after your bride backs out at the alter.
The Incredible (Edible?) Melting Man
what?
Maybe at the reception… as the fondue. (rim shot)
Eegah as flower girl, because who would not want to see that?
This could be a Time Chasers theme.
Preacher? Bob Evel.
Church? The library that doubles as his office. Obviously the ceremony to be scheduled after story hour.
And the blushing bride setting a new fashion trend with a bridal gown composed of 2 kinds of plaid.
Reception held at the supermarket (great organ music) with everyone receiving a complimentary
jar of maple syrup—whether they like it or not!
The Master would be great. He would bring the girls/strippers to the Bachelor party.
Certainly not Professor Huntz Hall from the Are You Ready For Marriage short. He’d be constantly interrupting the ceremony whilst clutching poorly drawn graphs about happiness levels.
@Atorgo; yeah, the marriage ceremony is not the appropriate time to get a lecture.
I agree that having The Master from Manos officiate would be cool, but could do without Torgo. For maids of honor — anyone except Paula Parkins and her rapacious gang from The Violent Years. Speaking of TVY, wouldn’t Ed Wood Jr. make an interesting best man?
At the reception, I’d want any and all of the bands/singers from Catalina Caper — Little Richard, the “Book of Love” singer, and the band made up of guys that probably should have been sent to Vietnam. Judy from Young Man’s Fancy can do all the catering and cooking, if she promises not to get squishy.
My luck, we’d get the minister from ‘The Giant Spider Invasion’.
“Hellfire and brimstone! That is what is in store for you!”
Our wedding singer would be the terrible folk singer from ‘The Incredibly Strange Creatures Etc.’
Then our reception would be crashed by ‘The Creeping Terror’
I’d have Ator’s right hand man Thong — Tong? officiate my wedding. Yup we’d all just sit there staring at him until he decides to speak.
IT STINKS!
Boggy Creek II Wedding –
Crenshaw – Best Man
Shirtless Stick Boy – Maid of Honor
The Little Creature – Ring Bearer
Tanya – Bachelor Party Hostess
Wife of Guy in Outhouse – Bachelor Party Cleanup
The wedding decor would be Swamp Bottoms and Outhouses.
The wedding color scheme would be Outboard Motor Smoke blue.
Seconding old German professor from Robot Monster as the preacher and Peter Graves for best man.
But if Peter is unavailable, Makonnen from The Phantom Planet would do in a pinch (you could certainly trust him to give the wisest and best speech fixing our attention on the good and the beautiful) and Nuveena, Woman of the Future, would make an extremely useful maid of honor (why bother renting a tux or spending a ton on flowers when she can just snap her fingers?)
I’d also have the platinum blonde midget from Outlaw and the imp from The Undead as ring bearers, Ben Murphy driving Megaweapon as chauffeur, Al from I Accuse My Parents for catering, and any of the cast from The Killer Shrews tending bar.
As for music, I wouldn’t even bother hiring a DJ, just invite Bart Fargo and sit him next to the dance floor, ensuring a constant supply of Boppa-dappa-da-da’s lasting long into the night.
The Honorable John Peter McCallister will officiate the ceremony.
Best man: Mitchell.
Maid of honor: Mamie Van Doren from Girls Town.
Ring bearer: Torgo, w/theme music
Wedding band: Dick Contino backed by The Beau Brummels
Ushers: Droppo, Sid Melton, Watney from Outlaw
Catering by: Johnny Longbone
Dr. Forrester will officiate, just like he did in Racket Girls. Frank can sing “There Is Love” and “Lemon Tree”, and Servo will sing “My Creepy Girl” (very appropriate in this case). The racket girls can be the maids of honor. And I’ll have a dress just like Servo’s. It was so beautiful. Oh, I love weddings!
Hmm, guess I should get a groom, somewhere…
And he could double as the maid of honor.
Racket Girls Theme Wedding…
Sculli would officiate, but only under the direction of Mr. Big.
The Leopard Lady and the Panther Woman could be bridesmaids, with Peaches as the maid of honor.
Best Man would either be Joe the jockey, or Clara Mortensen.
After the ceremony, Monk could set you up with swank apartment.
But they’d have drunk up all the stock before the reception started.
My Best Man would be Toblerone, dude knows how to party and would get “party favors” from Buz. My bachelor party would be at the Haunted House. Ev Kester would tend bar, Little Richard (on goof balls) would provide music and Joanie and Michele would be giving the guys clapdances.
To officiate, Henry Krasker. Gloria Henderson would be Maid of Questionable Honor and would be able to provide bridesmaids. My bride would be Kitten and Flower Girl(?) would be Trumpy.
I know one thing- I would not hire Ortega to do the catering.
i’ll mention also not having the dancing girl from ‘Colossus & the Headhunters’ no sense angering the gods before the big event.
An “Outlaw” themed wedding would be interesting.
Xenos the wizard-priest would supply the proper gravitas as he presides over the nuptials, at least until his seed pod opens. Besides, who wouldn’t want to have their marriage blessed by the Gods of Carnage?
Entertainment at the reception could be provided by the king’s dancing girls, who would do their donkey dance. Heehaw!
On the down side, an “Outlaw” wedding would have to include way too many buffalo shots; and that Watney idiot would annoy everyone with his slimy sexism and constant cries of “Cabot! Cabot! Cabot!”
CODE NAME DIAMOND HEAD – NBC, 9:00 (8:00 Central)
In this blockbuster opening episode of the hit series’ fifth season, it looks as if Johnny and Tso-Tsing are finally going to tie the knot … or is it all a ruse to exploit escaped superspy Tree’s obsession with disguising himself as a man of the cloth? Will Tree see through Aunt Mary’s disguise as a flower girl? Gilbert Lani Kauhi returns to the cast following the cancellation of his “That’s Zulu!” sitcom.
The Fire Maidens could entertain and cater.
How’s about the assortment of scantily clad women shaking their goods during the opening credits of Girl In Gold Boots? …the ones for whom Servo asks, “why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open up for him?”
Alan Hale as officiant, because, of course, skippers can do that. Will work for jerky.
Maid of (dis)honor should be dirty Terry from Teen-Age Crime Wave, accompanied by Big Ethel (Girl’s Town) and the witch from Jack Frost as bridesmaids. What can I say, I have a type.
The Crawling Hand is the ring-bearer, because what else is a crawling hand going to do?
Mikey from Teenage Strangler should be best man, you know, for the irony.
Potato mom from Deathstalker can do the catering. For entertainment, Vicki Robbins from Deadly Bees can lip-sync to your mp3 player, and tiny shorts guy from Horror at Party Beach can lead the dancing.
I just hope J.C. doesn’t crash the wedding and violate the bride to be
Not necessarily the advice I’d give a young couple on their wedding night, but…
Alright, Sampo, you’re on…
Torgo and Mickey for the ushers.
Fire Maidens for the bridesmaids.
The Wild Rebels and Hellcats for the groomsmen.
Moon for the best man.
Jan In The Pan for maid of honor.
Bobby from Rocky Jones for the ring bearer.
Daddy-O leading the wedding band.
…and I’d get the Pastor Of Death from Days Of Our Years to officiate. Remember — gentle pressure.
See my comment in no. 45. Reverend Snow was an interesting character for sure, but the Pastor Of Death from Days Of Our Years was such a hoot. Besides, he’s actually shown officiating at a wedding in that short.
Oh, damn, man — I totally forgot about them.
I still dig the Fire Maidens, but the Haunted House dancers from Girl In Gold Boots would also be awesome bridesmaids.
I’m thinking a Wisconsin wedding–planned by the Martha Stewart we never see, catered by Dutch’s Café, officiated by Zig Ziglar, jewelry by Charles Manson and Sheriff Jones as the toastmaster.
How about a “Last Clear Chance” wedding, for the couple who likes things really grim and disturbing? Get patrol officer Hal Jackson to perform the ceremony, then watch the fun as he goes off on a vitriolic rant! The best man could be a bucketful of the farm kid’s brother. Have the ceremony aboard a train, then sit around a picnic table on the farm for the reception.