I saw a new book recently that provides job manuals for jobs without manuals, such as “How to be a wrestler in Mexico City”[!]. “How to be a musician without an instrument in Mozambique,” and so on. How about asking for “job manuals” (or perhaps a list of five instructions) for doing various jobs that appear in MST3K films?
For example, “How to be Batwoman in a Wild World”:
1. Wear a black leotard and a feathery mask that looks nothing like a bat.
2. Surround yourself with go-go girls who will swear unswerving allegiance to you.
3. Play the organ.
4. Show no emotion no matter how dire the situation.
5. Do nothing that in any way resembles actual crime fighting.Or, alternatively, job applications for jobs that appear in MST3K films, consisting of qualifications and an answer to the classic question asking for your greatest weakness at work.
For example, a job application from Torgo:
Skills:
Carrying luggage.
Watching the place while the master is away.
Creeping out suburban housewives.
Unswerving devotion to mystic authority figures.
Greatest weakness: Tend to overdo the Thigh Master.What do you think?
|
 |
Weekend Discussion Thread: How to Do Jobs in MSTed Movies“Leo Artunian” opines:
47 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: How to Do Jobs in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
We are determined to encourage thoughtful discussion, so please be respectful to others. We also provide an "Ignore" button ( Comments are closed. |
|
Satellite News is a fan site for the Mystery Science Theater 3000 television and Netflix series. It is an independent publication written and compiled by Chris Cornell (msampo@aol.com) and Brian Henry (erhardt4@aol.com). Satellite of Love, LLC does not maintain this web site, nor is it responsible for this site's content.
All content posted on Satellite News is copyright © 2024 by Chris Cornell and Brian Henry, except where otherwise noted. This Date in MSTory is written and compiled by Steve Finley, Chris Cornell and Brian Henry. Copyright © 2024 All rights reserved. Please do not reproduce This Date in MSTory items in any form without express written permission from the authors. Items of MST3K news may be duplicated or reposted, as long as Satellite News is cited as the source. The views and opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of Satellite of Love, LLC. No warranty is expressed or implied that the information given herein is completely accurate, and in fact this information can and will change at any time. So there. Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyrights and trademarks of Satellite of Love, LLC. Banner image created by Larry Lee Moniz. |
|
) to help our users cope with "trolls" and other commenters whom they find annoying. Go to our
Gamera!
Ravage Tokyo. Kill millions
Get sent to Mars
Break out of Rocket, return to Earth
Attack Kurobe Dam, kill thousands
Save little boys from flying monsters and evil cannibal space babes.
Everyone Loves You!
A “Guide to Heavy Drinking” would be of use to many MST characters:
1. Know who’ll bring you an emergency bottle in exchange for sex; keep his number by the bed.
2. Always check the blender for spiders before you use it.
2. When the sheriff brings you in and asks you questions, go into your comedy routine so that you never answer any of them.
3. Accept no substitutions for booze; spit out that sody pop!
4. Always have a drink in your hand or nearby, especially when you’re being menaced by terrifying bath mats with poisonous teeth.
5. Before you head off to Jack Taylor’s for the weekend, give your kid extra cash and make sure he has the key to the liquor cabinet.
6. Be prepared to ride out the U.S. Invasion by Soviet troops in the comfort of a nice New York lounge. You may run short of ice, and bartenders, but the liquor supply will hold out.
7. Don’t be afraid to travel to other continents. If you can’t find alcohol, you might be able to substitute pineal gland juice in your evening cocktail.
Torgo’s biggest weakness? “Well, I work too hard, ha ha ha…”
Mutineer for Kalgon:
Wear tan outfit with red belt, red shoulder padding, and black snowmobiling mask.
Know about ancient dental history.
Know how to drive an Enforcer golf cart.
Set your phaser to miss.
When shot plummet over a railing.
How to be Sheriff Alan Hale in “Giant Spider Invasion”
1. Sit at the desk all day reading books.
2. Spend time on the phone sending callers to other people.
3. Get a free chopper ride to and from the car.
4. Plenty of great meals at Dutch’s Cafe.
The Jimmy Wilson How to Manual’
an extensive knowledge of elaborate lies is the foremost skill set required
essay writing skills are essential
ability to lie
shoe salesmanship is preferred but not really relevant after the first week
ability to lie
experience with undercover delivery work a plus
ability to lie
some food prep skills a bonus
ability to lie
finally the level of success is largely based on level of overall stupidity of the associate.
Wanted: Anthropology Teacher for Summer Field Course
Requirements:
Resonant, Mr. Sulu-like voice
Extensive knowledge of local Indian lizard legends
Superior slide show skills
Stew ingredient recitation experience
Awkwardly suggestive Native American moniker
Monochromatic wardrobe
Experience co-organizing ineffectual pranks preferred
Please submit letters of recommendation from accredited colleagues in each of the following disciplines: mineralogy, paleontology, local law enforcement, and folk rock.
Muffiny-Haired Bachelor aka Space Chief from Invasion of the Neptune Men –
Must be able to inspire children to love boot blacking VERY MUCH! (No, wait. That was another episode)
Weapons must be useless against you.
Must be able to fight space battles entirely within the Earth’s atmosphere.
Must be compatible with stock footage. Lots and lots of stock footage.
Great WDT!
For up-and-coming girl criminals in “The Violent Years”:
1. Have parents who ignore you.
2. Have a name that easily converts to a boy’s name, thereby totally fooling everyone; i.e. Paula-Paul, Geraldine-Gerald, etc.
3. When robbing gas stations, put a tiny kerchief over your mouth, which — despite the rest of your face being visible plus all your makeup — again fools everyone into thinking you’re a boy.
4. Classroom-trashing skills highly valued.
5. Shooting skills, not so much.
6. When you’re admitted to the prison-hospital, ask for a room on the Heaven floor.
7. Believe that Edward D. Wood, Jr. is the greatest writer EVER.
The How-To Guide For Becoming A Soultaker
1. You must have a dark, sinister, menacing personality
2. Wear a long, dark overcoat
3. Everything you wear must be black. No color, nothing that will make your souls think that they might have a chance to go to Heaven!
4. You must be able to look off to the side with the mystical knowledge of how to absorb a soul into a neon ring
5. Remember, death CAUSING is a whole other department. Being a soultaker just means you take their souls.
6. You must walk the line in the road, like Johny Cash
7. You will live at the top of a hospital.
8. You must be able to change into different people at will, in order to lure your souls to you.
Above all, remember that the Ultimate Answer is that Heaven is just vague, menacing dopes from our own lives.
8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-)
Short Order Cook wanted:
Kitchen experience not necessary; must have license in therapy, family or religious counseling, experience with troubled youth accusing their parents a plus.
How to manage hot women dancers with destination Singapore:
1) Always give selection preference to uninhibited strippers
2) Enforce a strict no smoking policy during auditions
3) Insist on a strict billing and cooing policy when disembarking on desert islands
4) Never try crossing your legs after they exit hut to sleep on veranda
5) In the interests of gender equality, enforce a strict no shirt policy for both
male and females.
6) For a lengthy career, key an eye out for clumsy giant spiders when walking around late at night.
How To Mutiny in Space
1. Take control of the security guards and the engineers.
2. Gather lots of explosives.
3. Blow up a shuttle.
4. Don’t let people confuse freedom with treason.
5. Ride a waxer around an industrial warehouse.
6. AVOID GAS EXPULSION SUMPS.
Puma Man application: Must be willing to be thrown out of windows and fly like you’re being suspended by your rear belt loop. Perks include an Aztec priest who will do most of the hero work for you.
Colonel Breiteis’ On-the-Job Guide to Catching a Husband
1. Get into the field of space exploration. Plenty of guys there and not many women, so not much competition.
2. Keep your weight under 100 pounds so you can go on missions a larger guy can’t.
3. Antagonize your target guy so he can’t get you out of his mind.
4. Beat out your target guy for an important mission. Grudges make the heart grow fonder. If you end up outranking him, so much the better. If he becomes your subordinate on another important mission, it’ll be fun to boss him around.
5. If a guy is into spankings and you aren’t, maybe he’s too much of a father figure for you.
6. Belittle your target guy at every opportunity. Let him know who’s really in charge here.
7. Go ballistic at every opportunity.
8. Once you get your target guy completely isolated with you, let him think he’s the one in charge, but we all know who really has the power.
9. Hold out for marriage. Arrange for him to outrank you, but we all know how long that will last.
10. Hey, at least if there isn’t another soul around for thousands of miles you know he isn’t stepping out behind your back. You can always arrange for his promotion to be rescinded if he gets out of control.
A want ad from “Werewolf:
Archeologists wanted for research trip to the Arizona desert to locate fabled skeletons of mythological creatures for the purpose of extracting and inserting their essence into modern day subjects. Applicants must provide their own color-changing hair. Psychopaths preferred. English is not a requirement. Contact Professor Grandma.
How to Be a Policeman – By Mitchell!
1. Drink. A LOT.
2. Eat. A LOT.
3. Yell at young kids whenever possible.
4. Sleep with hookers.
5. Shoot suspects on golf courses.
6. Have fancy dinners with crime bosses often.
7. Put a dickey on your car’s gas tank.
8. After catastrophic loss of life everywhere return to your studio apartment and arrest your hooker girlfriend.
You seem to have Prince of Space (who was at least a useful hero) confused with Space Chief (who was pretty superfluous).
WANTED: Pilot for Lunar Landing Mission
Must have space travel experience. Military service a plus. Must be able to bicker with and sexually harass superior officers, recognize incredibly obvious enemy spies, function in freefall and use magnetic footwear, look good in shorts and a skullcap, grimace effectively during G-loading. Rapid promotion guaranteed, especially after marriage. NO WOMEN NEED APPLY!
Send application & resume to SPACOM, Washington, D.C.
Pedro from SANTA CLAUS
1. Follow Santa around acting out his comments in mime
2. Remind him about stuff; toss book in sleigh if necessary
3. Help build toys with other children
4. Save his sorry ass when he gets treed by coon hound
That’s right, they’re totally different superheroes. Not the same at all.
How to be a world conquerer by Fu Manchu
1. Have a sadistic daughter to help with your executions.
2. Destroy an occasional dam to remind people you are evil.
3. Get drug lords to help you and then double cross them (if they seek revenge, you can always
use their cross-dressing girlfriends as hostages).
4. You can never have too much ice.
5. Keep a gun handy to shoot your own men if they panic and try to interfere with you
experiments.
6. If you are defeated, just shrug it off and insist “the world will hear from me again”.
How to Work at a Memory Bank:
1) Maintain your Synch
2) Don’t Bungle your Dopple
3) Eat plenty of Flav-o-flavs
4) Never switch the color coded tags
and finally
5) NEVER get mustard all over your patient’s brains….
Job descriptions for MST3K itself:
Required skills and expectations for lab assistant/flunkie in project in Deep 13:
1) Must be able to die repeatedly, but always report for work the next day/week/moment.
2) Detachable supply of heads a must!
3) Kindergarten education all that is required.
4) Willingness to add “TV’s” to first name.
5) Manner of comedy team dull witted one preferred.
6) Awareness that your job could also be done by a chimp. A talking chimp.
Job description for experiment subjects:
1) Official job title: janitor. Will also accept temp worker.
2) Must be able to sing own theme song.
3) Midwestern innocence a plus.
4) Knowledge of arcane movie trivia helpful.
FOR ROBOT SUBJECTS
1) All makes accepted. Gumball machines and bowling pins preferred.
2) Must be capable of bad puns along with intelligent wit. The former could earn you parts removal as punishment.
NOTE: Subjects both human and robot must not be aware of terrible movie watching as their experiment. This is especially important to maintain breaking of will capability at start of experiment.
Only three skills mentioned for head mad scientist:
1) Must be capable of merciless scenery chewing behavior, making said behavior enjoyable and entertaining. A rare ability, but useful.
2) Nepotism accepted – actually required. Surname Forrester a plus.
3) Must be evil. EVIL!
How about how to do your job at Gizmonic Institute?
1. Must wear a red jump suit as standard uniform.
2. Do a good job cleaning up the place.
3. Be ready to relocate at the bosses discretion.
4. Must enjoy watching “movies”.
5. Create weekly inventions for company exchange program.
6. Basic robot maintenance required.
7. Enjoy long stretches away from home, friends, family, normal life, etc.
8. Must not like Hamdingers.
Okay, it’s been about a year since I’ve watched this particular episode, but let’s see if I can do this based on memory.
How to be a Prince of Space.
1. Find foul fowl-alien scum.
2. Resist useless weapons.
3. Pronounce uselessness of said weapons.
4. Disappear for long periods of the movie.
5. Wash, rinse, repeat about half a dozen times.
6. Finally dispense of alien threat.
7. Be a friend to all children. (Different movie, but still applies.)
@Mibbitmaker
Oops! Look like we were on the same channel.
Ro-Man regulations for conquered world pacification:
rule 1: never turn off the bubble machine
rule 2: while fist shaking may be the only recourse at the time, ALWAYS KILL THE BOY
rule 3: maintain the stock footage dinosaurs at a constant state of agitation
rule 4: always maintain the discount costume pelt at a constant state of readiness
rule 5: DON’T CHEESE OFF THE BOSS
rule 6: never, ever under any circumstances, NEVER LOOK AT THE GIRL
How to be the Sheriff in Giant Gila Monster Country:
1. Complain a lot about everything, especially the size of your jurisdiction, and the age of your car.
2. Hire the (possibly aging) teenagers in your area to cover your beat.
3. Appoint your local Conrad Bain lookalike as your deputy when needed.
4. Don’t forget the skid marks, ever.
5. And be sure to put your leg up, whenever and wherever possible.
How to be a Castleton Snob:
1. Ride a geeky 10 speed. (Helmet, nah!)
2. Make sure to stock your fridge with the only the tastiest condiments and a single sandwich of questionable age. Yum!
3. Hang out in the local supermarket to meet the chicks, young and old. Look out for scarily stacked maple syrup display!
4. Buy a plane and fill it with lots and lots of COMPUTERS! Make sure to kiss plane afterwards. No tongue!
5. Have a half drunk/stoned sidekick for comic relief. Pay for his services with Kennedy half dollars.
6. Don’t laugh at Pink Boy on Tarmac no matter how much you want to. He is your ticket to meeting Bob Evil!
7. Kiss the girl with your chin.
8. Drive like you’ve never driven before.
9. Don’t read the fine print on any contracts.
10. Splaying is a MUST! On a couch or on the ground waiting for Bob Evil to put you out of your misery.
11. A mullet is needed to distract everyone from your male pattern baldness.
12. Declare war on surge protectors for the good of humanity.
13. Always have a Caslteton shirt handy. Blood, sweat and mud only enhance the shirt’s sex appeal!
14. And finally, Be greedy and stupid. Did Pink Boy just give me an idea to get money for my project? Whatever. How can having millions of dollars in bank interest even compare to the security of evil corporate sponsorship? Stupid Pink Boy!
How to be a matchmaker in Russo-Finnish Land.
1. Wear your business babushka.
2. Insist on seeing all marriage candidates. Even if it’s only a dog in a dress.
3. Question the goose cooking abilities of your candidates. You don’t want the happy couple to starve for the winter!
4. Offer up advice on how to tie a braid. The tighter the better!!
5. Watch out for that Jack Frost! He really knows how to bring on the fiancées with his crystal cathedral, Chevy sleigh and those dowries!
6. When your match is successful, drink lots of Tranya and dance to Proud Mary!
Cornjob On The Job Manual:
Glasses are mandatory. – Did YOU remember your glasses?
Half-assed Katana exercise routine to be performed hourly.
Be alert for juvenile bicycle infractions, remember: “Double Riding Equals Double Death”
Have your haircutting scissors sharp and at the ready at all times.
Profuse sweating is to be expected.
How to be the pheasant pluckers son:
1: Don’t be the pheasant plucker.
2: Be the pheasant pluckers son.
3: Only pluck pheasants…
4: …till the pheasant plucker comes.
Thank you. Won’t you?
‘i like it very much’ an annoying Japanese kid ‘how to’ rule the world guide.
foolish adults panic very easily and are quick to run around and gather in groups around ancient scientists.
therefore we as annoying short wearing Japanese kids must do the following:
humor the adults.
befriend giant monsters.
ask for the occasional coke.
obsess over traffic accidents.
feign indifference in the face of natural disasters. (the term ‘i don’t care is ESSENTIAL)
most important of all things is to wait for the obligatory alien or monster invasion of our country. this will distract the adults and allow us to use our omega class security to infiltrate and eventually run the government and soon the world!
How to be the Teen Hero in Giant Gila Monster Country:
1. Monopolize your local towing industry by listening in on party lines, etc.
2. Have plenty of nitroglycerine on hand (preferably XXX brand).
3. Take a correspondence course in Engineering while working an overload of hours in the local garage.
4. Sing and play banjo (and aim for an eclectic songbook — from swinging rockabilly numbers to Christian lullabies).
5. Help drunks to bed, and get them to sleep by sitting on them.
6. Work overtime to buy (leg) braces for kid sister (or brother).
7. Be a good organizer, especially of barn dances.
8. Be on especially good terms with your local sheriff (for you might get a free set of tires as a result).
9. Be willing to sacrifice your priceless hot rod (which is why you have that nitroglycerine on hand) in order to rid your town of that pesky giant lizard who won’t quit spying on — and eventually eating — the locals.
10. Sing whenever you sing whenever you sing.
11. Do all of the above and in addition to being a teen hero you will also earn a French girlfriend (or boyfriend)! :)
Job Application Tips to work at Aunt Flavia’s ranch:
1. Having a LONG CRIMINAL RECORD will bump you to the top of the job candidate’s list.
2. Bring along a large, strong, dimwitted guy to the job interview, and have him apply as well. You will start your new career with a staff (of one) that you can boss around, always look smart in comparison to, and plus you make him do all the hard, back-breaking work while you continue your life of crime!
3. Strong peeping skills (and the perseverance to wait until the ladies get down to their 5th layer of slip), as well as appreciation of and interest in chests in general, are MUSTS!
I submit to you, Dear Reader, that Prince of Space and Invasion of the Neptune Men are in fact the same movie in spite of the supposed occupational differences in the “heroes”. Evidence –
Krankor is in both (sort of), first as “villain” then as friend. Thanks, Bill.
Film negative scratches are considered high tech weaponry.
Is it the children that are upsetting or just their shorts? You decide.
Both are set in Japan with absolutely no sign of Godzilla, Gamera, Mothra, or Jet Jaguar.
Stock footage. Say it slowly. S t o c k F o o t a g e …
Now you make your own list. It’s surprisingly easy. Enjoy!
How to Cherokee Jack:
1. I’m Cherokee Jack!
Wanted: Greasy, mullet-headed, Canadian drifters.
1. Must be able to suck down immense amounts of Molson & Canadian Club. THIS CANNOT BE STRESSED STRONGLY ENOUGH!
2. Former membership in ancient Canadian death cult (!?) a plus.
3. Must provide own uniform. Grubby acid washed denim. Stone washed will due in a pinch.
4. Experience working with crazy-ass archeologist/miners & wingeing chess club members required.
5. Working knowledge of the career of Larry Csonka preferred.
6. Will be required to say the phrase “Round & about the house” during interview.
7. Must have own p.o.s. pickup truck, in case you have to take somebody home tomorrow.
NO NON-CANADIANS NEED APPLY, EH?
How to be an “Odious Comic Relief Guy”
1. Have an extremely annoying voice. Nasally, fingernails-on-a-chalkboard tone is best.
2. Find the hero or villain and, for some inexplicable reason, get him to become friends with you.
3. Do lots of clumsy physical gags (tripping or falling into water is always good)
4. Be obsessed with girls/sex despite your obvious repulsiveness to women.
5. Just when everyone has forgotten you were in the movie, pop up in a scene and bask in the groans and eye-rolling of the audience.
Chicken Men of Krankor Manual
Uniforms must be;
White Jumpsuit, AKA a Onesi
NO UNDERGARMENTS ARE PERMITTED!
Skills Required;
Experience in the use of salad spinners.
Experience in discharging caustic vapors.
Continuous use of weaponry despite the fact that it is useless against target.
Run to and fro in a confused manner.
Must be willing to kill the differin.
Benefits;
Will be given 4 hours off upon successful discharge of caustic vapors.
The handy guide for CONN spokespeople:
A. Show enthusiasm!! Shrill up your voice for maximum effect!!
B. Wear your uniform with PRIDE!
C. Check the merchandise for safety. Inspect your horn!
D. Make your sales pitch educational. Use the company stock footage.
E. If the customer is unsure of quality, make sure to correct them in a condescending tone.
Entertainer needed for Catalina Caper:
Must be sober enough to sing for white youth
Must provide your own silver or gold suit
Won’t be involved in the caper
Won’t need the ability to swim
Won’t interact with the white girls
Salary will be in goofballs and the amount depends on experience
Speech coach qualifications:
1. Be heard
2. Be understood
3. Be pleasing
4. (most importantly) Have a wire rack.
NAME: Diabolik
QUALIFICATIONS:
Ability to use firearms with varied ammunition
Climbing experience (suction cup style)
Underwater activity experience
Knowledge of chemistry/biology (effects of gas, suspended animation drugs)
Knowledge of metallurgy (melting points)
Licensed to drive (sports cars preferred)
HOBBIES:
Several fetishes (money, jewelry, spandex/leather)
Diabolical plans
Diabolical laughter
Dislike of government, legal authorities
Monogamy
Casual attitudes towards the value of human life
Sociopathy (varies according to situation)
POSITION DESIRED:
International criminal (freelance)
SALARY PREFERRED:
“All I can take, seduce, or get away with…”*
REFERENCES:
Eva Kant (for address, see below)
SEND REPLIES TO:
Diabolik
Secret Underground Lair
Somewhere in Italy
*That’s from the actual tagline from the movie.
How To Time Travel:
1) Get a Commodore 64 and 10 floppy disks.
2) Buy a single engine airplane.
3) Visit malls of the future!
POSITION SOUGHT: crimelord underling
ULTIMATE GOAL: anything you say, boss
SKILLS: snivelling, toadying, saying “augggh!”
WEAPONS EXPERIENCE: unable to hit any target at any range with any weapon
IF CAPTURED BY OPPOSING FORCES YOU WOULD SAY: “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, please don’t hurt me!”
………………………………………………………………..
APPLICATION STATUS: approved