I was watching The Brain That Wouldn’t Die recently and was thinking about what would have happened had there never been a car crash which removed the unfortunate woman’s head. The movie might have been renamed “The Thing in the Closet” and taken on more of a Frankenstein tone, with Bill and Curt regretting their mistake to create the monstrous creature who eventually escapes and rampages through town. Maybe the plucky Jan, who never ends up in the pan, finds some way to save the day.
What other movies deserve the WHAT IF treatment?
“Bloodlust!” What if the motor on the boat was properly maintained, or somebody on the boat could fix it? I think it might turn into a tense relationship drama, a la “Who’s Afraid of Virginina Woolfe?” in which a terrible secret comes out about Johnny (Robert Reed). I think you know where I’m headed.
What’s your pick?
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What if snakes were never watched out for?
What if Coleman Francis had opened a coffee shop instead of went into movies?
What if The devil had beaten Whitey and received another bread seller’s soul?
So many questions. My head hurts.
I will now push the button
What if this wasn’t where the fish lives.
Simple and straight to the point! I like it!!
What if Melissa’s family had convinced the town that she wasn’t a witch??
vv No idea what Mel is sorry BMcLH!
What if Johnny did care?
For one thing, they’d need a different title for the movie.
In Radar Men from the Moon, what if they hadn’t formulated the wild leaps of logic which concluded that the recent wave of explosions were due to invaders from the moon using an atomic ray?
#21 I would like to see “The Whore of Party Beach.” Sounds like my kinda movie.
What if Lucinda hadn’t killed the deputy. Her attorney (perhaps Keenu Reeves as
recommended by Al Pacino) gets Lucinda off on an insanity defense. The happy coupe of
Melissa and Jodie somehow get an inspiration to open a CARNATION ICE CREAM store and make a
bundle. They then (with secret financial backing from their “angel”) open up a chain of
stores featuring walnut ice cream that you’d die for.
One for the show – what if Sci-Fi hadn’t been so adamant on the idea of a storyline in the host segments for Season 8?
What would’ve been the situation in the host segments then? Would they have bothered with the 500 years in the future thing? Or would Mike and the Bots simply be brought back to where they started? Would Pearl have still been in charge? Maybe instead of being the same Pearl, it’s a descendent from Dr Forrester’s who happens to look a lot like her.
The only thing I don’t think would’ve happened is a child version of Dr Forrester – complete with mustache – running Deep 13. They took a dim view of cute kids on shows.
What if Trace had stayed on for Sci-Fi channel and we never got do see Bill do a live Rifftrax performance?
what if Brain Guy didn’t get stuck in Chocolate Lake?
This “what if” exercise could get really dark. So…
What if Tom Stewart didn’t push Vi off the lighthouse in “Tormented”? We’d have one fun lover’s triangle between Vi, Tom and Meg which will wind up with a wedding ceremony that would still feature drooping flowers and seaweed. The New York Sailor Guy would still get killed, though. So would Tom, actually.
Or, what if the old lady in “The Atomic Brain” managed to get her brain into one of the three maids’ bodies? Would the other two maids get to stay, or will they also be part of Dr. Frank’s experiments?
Or, what if what happened in “Invasion USA” wasn’t a dream? Would it wind up being a prequel to “Amerika”, and we’d still get that George Washington quote at the end?
Or the accursed Doug Herzog hadn’t taken control of Comedy Central.
what if the SST had no issues. what kind of film would it turn into.
also what if the bombers in Gamera landed instead of fighting.
what the person in case of spring fever didn’t wish for no springs or coily didn’t take back the guy’s wish.
And miss seeing Bill in that adorable Elf outfit at the Santa Claus Rifftrax Live performance?! Horrors!
What if Zor, the main villain of Cave Dwellers, had been more… well, more? For being presented as such a serious adversary, he seemed to be all talk and almost no action. Replace him with just about any other serious villain – such as, say, the six-fingered man in Princess Bride – and suddenly Ator and his friends are in a lot more trouble (particularly Mila’s dad).
What if Jodie never turned down that road and bumped into Melissa “One Shed” Strickland?
What if MST3K was never picked up by The Comedy Channel, and died on the vine after its run on KTMA?
Would they have taken the act on the road and live-riffed movies in comedy clubs? Would they have even bothered to keep the concept alive? Or would that have been the end of it, with everyone going their seperate ways?
I think if that did happen, someone else would have come along and ripped the format off. It probably wouldn’t have been as good, though. Boy, I’m glad that didn’t happen!
What if John in Cheating had knuckled down and studied? Perhaps he could have ditched Mary for someone who would actually explain the process of factoring equations. The way she just told him the answer to the problem without even trying to show how she got it always bugged me.
What if Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents and Paula from The Violent Years had met each other before their lives of crime? Would their brutal, affluent upbringings and shared traumas coax them to go to Al Anon or become the Mickey and Mallory of their generation?
“Off to meet my doom, mom, I’ll see you after school.”
In The Amazing Colossal Man, what if Colonel Glen Manning didn’t run out into the live test area for an experimental bomb like a complete spaz (that scene STILL makes me shake my head in disgust)? Then, instead of a civilian plane crashing in the test area, the bomb could have vaporized it in the air (oh, come on, it’s not like Burt I. Gordon made it clear what happened to the pilot anyway), touching off a drama where Manning, wracked with guilt over what he witnessed, fights the political engine of the military to stop production of the bomb.
Hey, they could even keep the same name! It could refer to Manning’s fight against a power much larger than himself!
Gay-bar would have taken his quest for vengeance to the next level. It was only the combination of Johnny’s little shorts and Godo’s clean-shaven face that helped Gay-bar realize his hatred for Godo was misplaced self-loathing. His anger and self-loathing was not the result of the death of his wife and son, but of a sublimated desire for inter-species same-sex strange.
Because Johnny cared, Gay-bar’s already fragile psychological defenses crumbled. In his irrational state he believed the only cure was to purge the planet of all the damn dirty hair. In an unnerving scene reminiscent of Travis Bickle’s mohawk, Gay-bar ritually removes all his body hair with a tanto. He puts his uniform back on, which now hangs loosely, and spots of blood trickle through the fabric. The knife blade cut too deeply in many places all over his body (Is Anybody Out There from “the wall” plays during the scene. Gay-bar then goes on the hunt for Colonel Sanders, captures him, and keeps him prisoner tied to the bed of his dead wife.
Gay-bar returns to the military compound with Gerry cans of petrol and homemade explosives. His uniform gets soaked with fuel as he douses the compound. He strips his uniform away as we see a full frontal shot of his wrinkled, hairless body. Now completely naked, he bends over to plant the explosives, red butt glaring at the camera.
Cut away to Pepe tra-la-la-ing through a field. In the background we see massive flash of fire appear above the tree line, followed by a series of booms. Pepe looks over his (her?) shoulder and cries out, “Mama!” and starts running toward the fire.
Cut back to compound. We see Gay-bar, on fire, running away from the compound. He collapses, and stumbles down a steep hill (Green Mountain?). The roll down the hill puts out the fire. Gay-bar now lies, smoldering near the edge of the tree line, mostly dead. We see Pepe emerge from the forest. Pepe discovers the crumpled up form of Gay-bar, drags him to the trees, and improvises a shelter. Now nursing the comatose Gay-bar, Pepe avoids contemplating the loss of his mother. Pepe comforts himself with the thought that he is not truly alone. No, he now has a new friend in his life, a naked ape.
The camera pans in closer and closer to the blackened body of Gay-bar. We see his tortured face. And his eyes open.
(Sequel, anyone?)
I don’t care.
What if New York City was all out of sodium?
Actually, according to my research, Doctor Forrester was briefly married to Flo The Progressive Insurance Lady sometime in the late 90’s to early 2000’s. This explains that one kid on ODD SQUAD…
What if Joel had stayed in Hollywood and become the next Jm. J. Bullock.? The Darkest Timeline…
What if June Talbot hadn’t been so obsessed with pleasing every man she came across, didn’t kill the British guide and they went back to America and became uber-rich off Super Youth Pineal Supplements. Neil and Nurse Scaryhair would’ve gotten married and had tons of lovely scaryhaired children together.
What if the drunk salesman had reciprocated the fortune tellers’ advances? Where would that leave Ortega? Would he release the zombies in order to kill all three of them? Would anyone be able to understand the foreign guy, or get their tickets here?
What if Torgo had gotten his way and claimed Maggie for his wife? Would we have had little Torgos running around? Brrrrrrrr!!!!
What if Satoris’ plan for taking over the world had succeeded? Would we all have hockey hair or grizzled old prospector syndrome?
In “A Case of Spring Fever”, Our doughy denison would have stuffed his couch without incident, then off to his day of golf with pals, Ward Cleaver, Thorny Thornberry & Fred Mertz. He’d enthrall the gents with his ribald bon mots involving travelling salesmen, guys who walked into a doctor’s office and young ladies from Nantucket. A quick meeting at the Mayberry white citizen’s counsel leads into a romantic interlude with a local carhop. “Hey ,do fries come with that shake?” our lardy lothario was heard to utter…”oh you!” yelped the wheeled winnie as she scooped up her dime and spit out her gum…anything can happen. (I stole the “anything can happen” part from Raymond Chandler).
@78 as a HUGE Too Close For Comfort fan, I’d like to see that alternate reality. Ted Knight and Joel Hodgson? Magic
What If…. there were 18 more Season 7 episodes?
Then What If…. the show never left Comedy Central?
Then What If…. three sequels to “The Movie” were made?
Then, the ultimate, What If…. it was still on to this day?
What if Jerry did come to the door?
off topic
this friday is (from the words from Hercules and the Captive Women)
Today is dedicated to Uranus
that planet was found that day back in 1781
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5lWowU52t8
Another Season 8 one – what if it hadn’t been Bill’s Observer who joined Pearl and Bobo? What if it had been Paul’s or Mike’s?
In fact, what if it had been Peanut who escaped Earth’s destruction instead of Bobo?
Imagine if the SciFi Mads had been Pearl, Peanut and Paul!Observer…
What if Joel Hodgeson had stuck closer to his original idea for a show involving a last man on earth commenting on movies? Kind of an Omega Man/Silent Running thing? I think it would have made for a grimmer and possibly less funny and maybe less fun show, but I would have liked it. But then again, I actually like Rammstein.
The idea of alien archeologists landing on a devastated dead Earth and trying to make some sense of the remnants has amused me for some time. Especially after I read about a the existence of a vault that contains the left overs of a experiment involving gradually dosing Beagles with radiation. The vault contains dozens “radioactive Beagle carcasses” and a few thousand pounds of “radioactive Beagle waste”. Upon reading about this I immediately imagined aliens landing on a world where nearly every trace of humanity has disappeared except for a single underground vault. Does it contain the tomb of a great leader? Is it repository of knowledge and wisdom? No, it’s a ton of radioactive dog crap. A fitting memorial to our species perhaps, but one that might prompt the aliens to close and reseal the blast doors, fill out reports indicating that they had found nothing, and swear to one another to never speak of that day again.
What if Joel Hodgeson, instead of building robot sculptures, constructed puppets of a more “organic” nature, something akin to Muppets?
The “pilot” employing the “last man on Earth” motif might have depicted Joel befriending placid “creatures”, mutations resulting from whatever implied catastrophe befell the planet. Once approved for a series, the Best Brains team would probably ditch the “mutant” backs-story. With Joel now a hapless test subject trapped aboard a space station and forced to watch bad movies, I can imagine the puppets re-imagined as aliens, benign, of course. They’re just as trapped as Joel since their ship crashed into the SOL (while investigating our TV transmissions). And while they may be able to fly a ship, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sharp enough to repair it. So they make the best of a bad situation and keep Joel company. Swap out jokes about robots for those about aliens, and I think the premise would have played pretty much the same.
Sincerely,
Bill