With the release of “Expendables III”, two things occurred to me. First, why isn’t Joe Don Baker in it? Second, there’s a rich, untapped vein of talent available for a new movie to be titled “The MSTIEbles!” OK, the title needs work, but you get the idea. What’s your dream cast of action stars (not characters) drawn from the ranks of MST3K movies? Bonus points for a brief plot description, and double bonus points if all of your choices are still alive, so they’re available to star in next year’s blockbuster hit movie “3000!”
Have at it!
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David Ryder (Space Mutiny) and Bruce J Mitchell (Rowsdower – Final Sacrifice) for starters
Plot – Rowsdower calls up a team of mercenaries to rescue Troy’s son from his Aunt, who it turns out is a cyborg powered by an organic life form from another planet who is protected by biped octopi ninjas. It all takes place at night which is strangely overlit but tinted blue.
Hmmm, interesting idea. My cast would be:
John Agar (Revenge of the Creature)
Peter Graves (Beginning of the End)
Beverly Garland (Swamp Diamonds + others)
John Saxon (Mitchel)
Miles O’Keeffe (Cave Dwellers)
Richard Kiel (Eegah)
Tor Johnson (Unearthly + others)
Joe Don Baker (Mitchel)
Adam West (Zombie Nightmare)
with Special Guest Star: Reb Brown (Space Mutiny)
Plot? Christopher Lee is back, threatening to simulcast “The Castle of Fu Manchu” across all televised, internet, and social media unless his name is removed from Star Wars Episodes 2 & 3. A crack team of stalwart Hollywood veterans is put together to track him down and convince him that, despite those movies, he’s still had a hell of a career…
Reb Brown: the daring leader, man of 100 names.
Matthew Bruch: tech expert, can kill men with his chin.
Neil Connery: the charismatic hypno pugilist, would’ve taken the Gandalf role.
Peter Graves: The Pontificator.
Robert Vaughn: Spears, guns and fists: Master of Arms.
And of course, our slow to anger, world weary mentor, Tor Johnson.
Plot? Things at the ultimate MST3K convention just got way out of hand…
Tommy Kirk as the tough guy.
Jim Begg as the (lack of) comedy relief guy.
John Agar as the brains.
Hugh Beaumont as the mild mannered nerdy guy who COULD SNAP AT ANY MOMENT SO WATCH OUT!!!!
Sid Melton as the monkey boy.
Jack Palance as the former ‘company’ man and adviser.
Mamie Van Doran as well..do i HAVE to spell it out for you?
George Nader (Roy in Robot Monster), Robert Lowell (Jimmy in I Accuse My Parents), Lowell Brown (Danny in The Girl in Lover’s Lane), Russel Savadier (Watney in Outlaw), Gene Persson (Pete in Bloodlust), Fred Cavalli (Paul in Werewolf), Tom Bartlett (Kevin in Hobgoblins), Christian Malcolm (Troy in The Final Sacrifice), and Jody Daniels (Critter in Girl in Gold Boots) are The Wuss Platoon!
Derek (Teenagers from Outer Space)
Kenny (Gamera)
Torgo (Manos)
The entire cast of Catalina Caper
It’s a remake of Catalina Caper, with action!
Clu Gulager! Joe Don Baker! Joe Estevez! Zap Rowsdower! They drink, they mumble, they bicker, they fart… they drink. But when one job calls for weary, reluctant, whisky-voiced heroics… When the world needs sleepy-eyed, beer-bellied, marble-mouthed teamwork…. When Martin Sheen is busy and you’re on a budget…. You know it’s time to call… The Availables!
Megasoftware company Congypsco is in turmoil with the co (Gypsy) being captured and the world economy threatened
with disaster by a revengeful family of mad scientists. There is one impossibly small chance to save civilization.
It rests with a stalwart band of:
The Fireplug (Tom Servo)
Jaws (Crow)
Megaweapon (as played by Megaweapon)
The Recorder (Cambot)
and in a special guest appearance — Krankor’s Giant!
This time it’s personal!
Orangey the cat (This Island Earth, Village of the Giants) and Pal the dog (The Painted Hills). That’s all.
Joe Don’s a better actor than most of The Expendables.
What’s Miles O’Keefe up to these days? I passed a van this morning that said ATOR CONSTRUCTION on the side. He did seem pretty handy in that hang-glider scene.
When the demonic toy monkey escapes from Merlin’s shop and goes on a pet-killing rampage, he must recruit an elite army of pets to bring him down. Lead by Xerxes with the atomic brain, they include Puma (expert at inducing cardiac arrest in his enemies), Shep (wilderness survival expert), and the master ninja hamster (martial arts and sabotage expert), they uncover a shocking conspiracy.
(Spoiler Alert)
The whole thing is a plot by Merlin’s wife to drive him insane so that she can take over the store.
I’m planning a movie that will bring the most important characters from MST3K together in an Avengers style movie. Obviously I don’t want to give away too much, but it will star:
Slab Bulkhead
Punch RockGroin
Fridge LargeMeat
Crunch Buttsteak
And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver
Hmmm, a ruthless band of mercenaries, eh? I’d go with…
Coleman Francis (Red Zone Cuba)- in case they need to dig up some dirt or throw a restaurateur down a well
Beverly Garland (Swamp Diamonds/Gunslinger)- in case they need to pull their boat through a swamp or avenge the death of Patty Duke’s dad
Rondo Hatton (The Brute Man) – in case they need anyone to “creep” or take care of suspicious delivery boys
Tor Johnson (The Unearthly/Bride of the Monster/The Beast of Yucca Flats) – in case they need to gently strangle anyone or remind them all when it is “time for go to bed”
Richard Keil (Eegah/Phantom Planet) – in case they need to throw rocks at dune buggies or force fields
Miguel Angel Fuentes (Puma Man) – in case they need to throw anyone out of a window or just generally be the only competent person in the movie
The Expendables 4: MSTand Your Ground!
Heroes would be:
Ben Murphy
Reb Brown
Miles O’Keefe
Steve Reeves
the guy from Paper Chase
Lee Van Cleef
Beverly Garland
Joe Don Baker
Hugh Beaumont
Mamie Van Doren
Bruce J Mitchell (who would be similar to the “Mickey Rourke” role and speech from the first Expendables movie)
Bad guys would be:
Bela Lugosi
Jack Palance
Adam West
John Saxon
John Philip Law
Richard Kiel
Tor Johnson
Bruno VeSota
special guest appearance by THE MASTER, Tom Neyman!
–
The plot would involve the bad guys doing bad guy things and the good guys would come in and bust heads. Explosions, gunfire, and hand to hand fighting would follow and in the end, the bad guys would lose and the good guys would live to fight another day (in another movie, like say, Expendables 5: MSTaken Identities!)
Reb Brown (Space Mutiny)
Miles O’Keefe (Cavé Dwellers)
Robert Ginty (Warrior Of The Lost World)
Steve Reeves (Hercules, Hercules Unchained)
Ross Hagen (Sidehackers, Hellcats)
Gordon Scott (Danger: Death Ray!)
—
Plot: Plot? What do you mean, “plot”? Cripes, man, it’s a friggin’ action movie!
Torgo from ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’
Mikey from ‘Teenage Strangler’
Droppo from ‘Santa Claus Conquers The Martians’
Prince Senya from ‘Viking Women And The Sea Serpent’
Nerdy Cupid Guy from ‘Ring Of Terror’
Cornjob from ‘Gamera Vs Guiron’
Buzz from ‘Mr B. Natural’
Winky from the Rocky Jones movies
Jimmy from ‘I Accuse My Parents’
Watney Smith from ‘Outlaw’
Male victim from ‘The Violent Years’
Joe from ‘Racket Girls’
They all come together to form the Undependables.
Okay Reb Brown, Miles O’Keefe, Joe Don Baker and Rosdower are gimmes…(actually all the choices are very strong) Along with them, I would include
Timothy Van Patten and Lee Van Cleef.
Sonny Chiba (Invasion of the Neptune Men) – legitimate tough hombre.
John Mykl Thor (Zombie Nightmare) – because you can’t really kill him, ’cause..well, you know..
John Michael Law (Diabolik and Space Mutiny) – slick thief who isn’t afraid to bend the rules (or in Space Mutiny, break them)
Bob Dornan (StarFighters)- fighter pilot and staunch Republican (the GOP is well represented in the Expendables.) He could fly you places and use his political right-wing clout in DC…
Cabot (Outlaw of Gor) – Professor who can kick butt and get the woman.
Neal Connery (Operation Double Double 007)
Steve Alaimo – tremendous driver
Sampson – you need a wrestler, you just do…
Daniel Bernhardt (Future War)
Captain Joe (Fugitive Alien) – can also fly and should be fun for the bar scenes.
The plot: A vicious cabal lead by Adolpho Celi (Double double 007 and Diabolik,) Beau Bridges (VotG,) Krankor, Manos, J.C. (Side Hackers,) Rat Fink, Jeff Knight (Peter Graves in Parts: the Clonus Horror,) Dr. Cortner (The Thing that Wouldn’t Die,)Unga Khan (Undersea Kingdom,)Gloria Henderson (Sinister Urge) and Castile (David McCallum in Master Ninja II) have formed their most sinister plot in their base on Spider Island. Their nefarious plot is to unleash various plagues upon the Earth (worms, giant spiders, scorpions, Mut-Ants, Yucca Flats Beasts, Dinosaurs, robots who ruin houses and killer bees.) Given the green light by Dornan, the MSTiebles must storm the castle with a giant catfish monster in its moat and the Boggy Creek monster at its doors.) A lot of (sort of) action wrapped in confusing plot holes and bad acting occurs. In the end, Van Patten and Van Cleef subdue J.C., Thor takes on Dr. Cortner (in a non dying thrilling battle,) Captain Joe and Dornan swoop in to provide arier support. All seems well and the good guys have the upper hand, until the true face of evil reveals himself – Dr. Clayton Forrester. He manages to subdue them and hold them hostage in Gizmonic Institute. All seems lost until (in the horizon)comes the newest band of heroes – the new MSTiebles:
Angel’s Revenge crew, Persis Khimbatta (Warrior of the Lost World,) Wanda Saknussem, Sister Ann (Future War,) Clara MOrtensen (Racket Girls,) Vi Mason (Tormented,) Mamie Van Doren (Untamed Youth and Girls Town) and Jody Dvorak (Kitten With A Whip.) THey stop the evil and take their place as the true MSTiebles….
(End scene)
Reb Brown has a better action resume than some of those actually in The Expendables 3.
Reb Brown and Miles O Keefe assemble a team to fight the evil John Phillip Law who wants to kill every B movie actor and actress in the States…Reb and Miles seek out Joe Estevez who has retired and working at some seedy bar now and he brings along his bouncer Richard Keil..Rowsdower who frequents the bar and who also has a past with John Phillip Law(he stole his money from a previous job and also stole his girlfriend Mamie van Doren,too)wants to come along and get his revenge…
Reb and Miles seek out others to help them fight,like Steve Reeves who works on customizing hot rods and his sidekick Mikey who just works on bikes..Their mechanic Ross Hagen comes along,too..They also get Adam West who is good at making weapons,but also is the owner of a seedy nightclub,too..Adam has his dancers who work at the club to come along because they’re good with knifes,explosives;etc..The dancers are Michelle from Girl in Gold Boots,Vi from Tormented and Michelle Wilson from Angels Revenge.
On John Phillip Law’s team is his trusty bodyguard Tor Johnson,Don Sullivan from Giant Gila Monster,Yuri from Werewolf,Natalie from Werewolf who is a sadistic interrogator and Arch Hall Jr as a hitman..Plus,he has armed guards and they are: Beverly Garland from Swamp Diamonds,Michael Pataki from Sidehackers,Torgo from Manos and Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents…Also,scientists John Agar and his assistant Peter Graves are on hand as well..
Reb and Miles enlist Cherokee Jack to help fly them to the island where John Phillip Law is at…When they get to the island they notice that there are prisoners they need to free,too…John Ashley,Francis Coleman,Richard Carlson(Tom Stewart from Tormented),Katherine Victor(Batwoman),Tony Cardoza and Vivian Schilling(Soultaker)….and Mamie van Doren.
Singing at Adam’s nightclub are Paul Anka,Mel Torme..
Supporting players would be Alan Hale,Jr,Jim Backus,Bela Lugosi,Coleen Gray(Leech Woman),Pia Zadora,Joe Don Baker,Robert “Paper Chase guy” Ginty,John Carradine,Charles B.Pierce…
And to top it all off is Gloria from The Sinister Urge who plays John Phillip Law’s mom!!! She’s the one who is really in charge…
Personally I’d like to see a movie about mercenary balloon animals called The Expandables.
Just about any of the actors from any Mstied movie would be an improvement over Sly Stallone, who’s acting ability is only slightly better than David Hasselhoffs’.
That being said:
I’ll go with the all-buff cast; George Rivero (Werewolf)
Chase Cordell (Track of the Moon Beast)
Reb Brown (Space Mutiny)
Daniel Bernhardt (Future War)
Plot? Really? Did the real Expendables movie even have one?
“The Really, Really, Please-For-The-Love-Of-God-Would-Somebody-Just-Kill-Them, Expendables”
Starring:
Heathcliff, the annoyingly unfunny lab assistant in “Wild World Of Batwoman”
Watney Smith, the annoyingly unfunny professor/sidekick/traitor in “Outlaw”
The annoyingly unfunny Army guys from “Attack of the the Eye Creatures”
Torque, the annoyingly unfunny C3PO ripoff from “Robot Holocaust”
Remedy, the annoyingly unfunny geezer from “Last of the Wild Horses”
Droppo, the annoyingly unfunny goofball from “Santa Clause Conquers The Martians”
And every annoying, shrill-voiced, micro-shorts-wearing brat from all those lame Japanese movies
Plot: The instant they open their mouths, the audience beats the snot out of them. The End.
May I suggest: Combine THE UNDEPENDABLES & THE REALLY, REALLY PLEASE… lists above, add Pink Boy from TIME CHASERS & you have- THE INEFFECTUALS.
“Unusally Suspect”
Our story begins with police detectives Peter Graves and Lee van Cleef questioning a suspect arrested after a bizarre incident the previous night. In return for immunity, he agrees to tell them everything he knows.
It all began a week earlier, when he awoke in a NY city drunk tank with his cellmates an ex-cop, Joe Don Baker; a mullet haired Canadian called Rowsdower; a petty crook, Joe Estevez; and a foreigner of indeterminate origin, Vadinho. To their surprise, they are told that their bail has been paid by a lawyer, whom they are to meet in a nearby hotel.
While Joe Don and Rowsdower fight over the contents of the mini-bar, the lawyer, Edward Platt, explains that his boss, a mysterious crime lord, paid the bail. In return, they must do something for him. Three men are bringing a briefcase to a small airport in the California desert. They are to intercept the men at the airport and bring the suitcase to Los Angeles. They will be paid extra in cash, beer, or baby oil, whatever their preference. All agree, except Vadinho. Outside the hotel, Vadinho is struck and killed by a failing body.
At the airport, they take over a lemonade stand, the narrator working g behind the counter. When the couriers, Coleman Francis, Miles O’Keefe, and Reb Brown,stop for drink they are ambushed. They refuse to hand over the briefcase, at which point Joe Don says “Go ahead on.” The couriers do, beating the crap out of Joe Don and the others. Coleman flies off in a plane with the briefcase, Miles takes off in a hang glider, and Reb drives away on a floorwaxer.
Chagrined, the group goes to the lawyer’s office in LA to report their failure, and decline to finish the job. Platt tells them that his boss insists that they complete the assignment. They refuse until Platt shows them Joe Don’s ex-fiance, Linda Evans, sitting in another room. She is about to go into witness protection to get away from Joe Don. Platt promises to reveal her new name and address if they finish the job. Once again, they agree.
Platt tells them that the briefcase is now in the possession of a large, very ugly, ex-astronaut who is somewhere in Chicago. The group boards a train to Chicago, the narrator disguised as a conductor. In Chicago, they see the astronaut running into a tunnel. They give Chase. Inside the tunnel, there’s no sign of the astronaut. Suddenly, the narrator is blinded by flashing police lights. When his eyes adjust, all the others have vanished, too, and he is arrested.
Graves and Van Cleef doubt the story, and want to know the name of the master criminal. The suspect tells them. They don’t believe him, and say there’s no such person: it’s just a made up name criminals use to scare each other and mislead the police. Deciding there’s no proof that any crime was committed, they let him go. The suspect, Gene Roth, leaves the building and gets into a car driven by Edward Platt, who is dressed as a priest. Back in police HQ, Graves and Van Cleef wonder if the master criminal really does exist, and ask each other the question: “Who is Merritt Stone?” The End.
Gobi