If you’re like me, and I know I am, then you enjoy movie trailers that begin with “In a world where…”. So, why not use that style for a MSTIED movie?
“In a world where concierges have goat legs and speech impediments, one man must do battle with The Master for the immortal souls of his wife, his daughter, and his poodle…”
I’m going to expand this to allow any sort typical trailer verbiage. Such as…
“A simple town in the Swiss Alps. [dun DUN] A creeping mist. [dun DUN] A cloud descends. [bwaaaaaaa] It sees you…”
What’s yours?
(Keep those discussion thread ideas coming!)
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Ancient Greece…
[Shot of beautiful landscape]
Savage and brutal…
[Tigers in fighting ring]
Filled with beauty…
[Queen Onfale flashing her eyelashes]
And innocence…
Iole: I’d like to see someone put him in chains.
A world of cruel fate…
[Herc collapses after drinking from the well]
This summer…
[Herc napping in wagon]
The Herc is back!
[Ulysses massaging Herc’s back]
In the action-flick you can’t miss!
[Herc reclining on bed by waterfall]
Hercules Unchained
[Fades to black with Herc saying “I’m so sleepy…”]
When teen idiots ran over a jock, they thought the beefiness that died with him was gone forever. But they were wrong! Dead Wrong! The beefy guy is back, and beefier than ever in Zombie Nightmare!
This is specifically a riff on a trailer for Friday the 13th part 5: A new Beginning that was on TV when I was in the 8th grade.
Joinus Pictures in association with N-List Films presents:
Before Top Gun‘s Maverick…
[Jets taking off]
The men of the U.S. Air Force…
[Guys driving leisurely]
Were breaking all the rules…
Colonel: It’s a hell of a way to run a railroad!
Living on the edge…
Guy: Look out for the leading edge of that wing, Lt. Lyons, it’s sharp!
Facing danger every day…
[Plane lands safely]
Driven by a burning passion…
[Lukewarm snuggling in backseat of convertible]
That was constantly refueled…
Woman: Is every day often enough?
Only these elite pilots got access to the latest in advanced military technology…
Instructor: We call this the ‘poopy-suit.’
And protected our country from an unseen enemy…
[Pilots splashing around in swimming pool.]
This summer, strap yourself in…
For the non-stop action flick that will leave you begging for more…
[Pilot holding red-smoke flare in desert.]
The Starfighters
Starring Robert Dornan (because Tom Cruise was only two years-old at the time).
In a world without hope.
In a world without joy.
In a time when innocent civilians can be shot with impunity from airplanes,
There is brought a message from the East:
“Flag on the moon. A woman’s purse.”
Two boys on a mythic western journey must find their parents
Before a monster finds them.
Coleman Francis’ THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS.
In a world where Beach Blanket Bingo collides with Helter Skelter,
Where the voices you hear aren’t coming
From the mouths of the people talking.
There’s only one man who can find the chemical weapon to defeat
THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH.
Look Polish.
A time long ago, in a world of darkness.
Two young knights are on the run from a cruel and evil ruler.
Seeking a long lost treasure and hoping to return order to chaos.
‘…it’s coooommmmmiiiiiiing!this Christmas.
‘Quest of the Delta Knights!
In a world where there are no actors. No plot. No telephones. And no monster. There is also… No reason to watch! This summer, don’t see Monster-A-Go-Go! Seriously folks, it’s an hour and a half of your life you won’t get back.
Are you all hearing the “Honest Trailers” guy’s voice in your heads? :)
@58 (crowschmo)
Or one of the Five Men in a Limo.
They invaded his workshop!
They turned his wife into a statue!!
They called him “fat”!!!
And NOW ………… he’s going to make them PAY!!!!!
SEE ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’ coming soon [etc.]
(v.o.) In the tradition of Gremlins, Critters and other killer puppets…
-Shot of puppets’ shadows
(v.o.) They came from the stars…
Old Security Guard: A strange creature, sort of… Hobgoblin.
(v.o.) To grant our inner most desires…
Old Security Guard: I still don’t know if they thought they were doing good or not.
(v.o.) But the fantasies turned deadly…
-Shot of singer falling off of stage
(v.o.) Now five friends…
Daphne: Hey, how’s it goin’?
(v.o.) Will face incredible odds…
-Shot of rake fight…
Kevin: It wasn’t a fair match.
(v.o.) To save our World!
-Shot of Nick blowing up
(v.o.) HOBGOBLINS!
-Shot of puppet over Daphne’s shoulder
(v.o.) Be careful what you wish for…
Mexico…
[Party scene with Strauss waltz playing]
Where vampires rule the night…
[Eczematic vampire meeting in the basement]
An innocent girl is their next target…
[Diana lifelessly playing the piano]
Her father desperate to protect her…
[Professor at desk, takes off his glasses]
With no one else to turn to, he calls upon an unlikely hero…
[Santo enters the room]
This Halloween…
[Santo racing away in his Malibu Barbie sports car.]
This Mexican wrestler…
[Wrestling ring scene]
Will leave no crone unburned…
[Santo lighting coffins on fire]
As he fights the forces of darkness in…
Santo Versus the Vampire Women
(v.o.) His power is unimaginable…
Prince: Your weapons are useless against me.
(v.o.) His strength is legendary…
Prince: Your weapons will have no effect on me.
(v.o.) His courage is legendary…
Prince: Your weapons won’t work on me.
(v.o.) But now he faces his greatest threat!
Krankor: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(v.o.) A merciless dictator…
Krankor: Give everyone four hours off.
(v.o.) An unstoppable army…
Mickey: Hey, there’s some funny people!
(v.o.) A hideous monster…
Generic Scientist: Did you hear that? A monster!
(v.o.) One lone hero will be all that stands between freedom and annihilation!
Mickey: What’s that, a man?
(v.o.) PRINCE OF SPACE!!
Generic Scientist: He’s coming! Prince of Space is coming!
Krankor: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
“In a world where technology rules supreme”
(Fat man: “Identicube!”)
“One man dares to dream.”
(Fingal: “I was just trying to find some way to stay awake.”)
“But now his penance….”
(Fingal: “Okay, so it’s my first dopple.”)
“…Will be their undoing!”
(Fat man: “We will not deliberate–we will TERMINATE him!”)
“See Raul Julia’s computer-generated fantasy world!”
(Rick: “Bartender’ll play anything you want, Lola. Drinks are on the house.”)
“See the characters that he interacts with!”
(Floyd the pervert: “It’s a pleasure, my dear sir, to see the waves you make!”)
“Does it make much sense to him?”
(Fingal: “Mom…’m I nuts?”)
“Find out this summer in ‘Overdrawn at the Memory Bank!'”
“In a world where the police outside of Texas are incompetent, the politicians won’t help and the crooks are untouchable, we must rely on one man to keep the peace.”
(Shot of large man in cowboy outfit walking towards camera.)
“No jail can hold him, no government can order him around, no Maltese Elaine Benes can talk him out of his mission, and no son of a (blank) crook can kill him, until he serves up some…FINAL JUSTICE.”
(Large man stops, pulls gun and aims at camera.)
“You think you can take him? Go ahead on!”
GERONIMO: It’s your move.
(Geronimo fires at camera.)
YOU’D BETTER RUN. SUMMER. 2015.
In the year two-thousand… something…
[Overhead shot of megaweapon driving, ominous music]
An oppressive empire seized Ohio…
[Border guards leveling rifles toward camera.]
But there came a lone figure…
[Blurry shot of motorcycle approaching]
Who would fight back…
[Motorcycle crashes into mountain.]
This summer…
Motorcycle: Hold onto your…
The gloves come off…
PCG: Lets get the warheads at full capacity.
In the movie Mel Gibson wished he starred in instead of Mad Max…
[Karate guy kicks PCG in the face.]
With that guy from Paperchase in a role that will surprise you…
[Closeup of Paperchase-guy mumbling something.]
And whats-her-name from that Star Trek movie you wish you never saw…
[Persis staring blankly into the camera.]
Warrior of the Lost World
PCG: This is turnin’ out to be more than I bargained for, lady!
“Buffalo Bill Joe Hickens, derp dee derp! Derp dee derpitty derpee doo! Until one day…a derpa derpa durba derp! Derp dee derp……da teetley tum! From the creators of: THE MOD SQUAD and: THE GEMINI MAN, Jim Stafford is…DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY RIDING WITH DEATH! …Rated PG-13.”
Warning: Noone will be seated during the terrifying ‘Happy King’ sequence!