We all know Season 1 Joel was quite fond of pointing out scenes that would “make a great miniature golf course.” So my question is, what other MSTied movies would make a great (or terrible) miniature golf course? For example: The Space Mutiny hole would look remarkably like an abandoned industrial building, and undoubtedly involve lots of railing bank shots while avoiding an extremely slow moving floor buffer. And the Killer Shrews hole would be a murderous Par 7 because your ball starts off glued to the floor, and it’s very easy to get trapped in a grey featureless void.
Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to try the 18th hole at the “Beast of Yucca Flats” course … it involves getting shot at from overhead planes.
Have at it!
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The Valley Lodge Golf Course would have one road and Torgo as a caddy who would slowly gyrate and ogle when lady golfers are up at the tee.
Angel’s Revenge Putt Putt-the wiggliest, jiggliest course on Earth. Put on your 70s swimwear and try to find the hole on the Foggy Beach hole! Warm up the turrets and montage music for the Assault Van hole! Aim carefully to avoid exploding outhouses in the Secret Base Attack hole! And finally, try to sink a five footer at the base of a gigantic, lifelike sculpture of Jack Palance’s face as it grimly stares right through your pathetic soul! Every Thursday is Backus and Buttram Impersonator Night!
My Yelp review for the Case of Spring Fever Miniature Golf Course: “One Star. Stay away! There’s a crazy man in gray slacks who keeps ranting about how important springs are. Why should I care about springs–I’m trying to play mini-golf here! Sheesh, if he doesn’t shut up, I’m going to start wishing that springs were never invented.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages! come on down to the ‘Mutiny in Space’ mini golf extravaganza! fun and adventure abounds as you play our 18 hole course set among the friendly confines of a spaceship’s basement! are you brave enough to face the futuristic, heart stopping obstacles which may or may not include: packs of Balarian dancing girls, roving packs of enforcer carts, lustful grandmas adorned in work out unitards, shrieking strongmen and the dreaded Lt. from beyond the grave! beam on down, if you dare!”
**note, the space ship on the video screens look alot like Battlestar Galactica. it’s not, it’s definitely not.
The “Time Chasers” course would start with a long par 2 across the plane tarmac, through the 1955 windmill of 3 automobiles, zipping through the food court of the future past the kid’s who are gay agents, ending the front nine on the difficult oil soaked warehouse. The back nine would require you to shoot through the legs of the guys with puffy shirts, on a short hole on the plane that you have to finish before the plane crashes on you, then hit it into the legs of the Castleton dude with his legs splayed, taking a shot on the back of a horse, then ending back in the supermarket and starting the course all over again!
Yes. Time Chasers would be a classic history themed miniature golf course. At the end of every hole you’d jump into one of Nick’s Piper Cubs to travel to the next hole (accompanied by a tape of Nick saying: “You want to fly? Let’s fly”!). The’50’s hole (that’s 1950s, Tom) would feature chipping around Mrs. Khruschev sweeping in front of a Chevy ’57.
Oh and everyone getting a hole in one on the 18th gets a bottle of maple syrup, make that a hole in one on any hole, oh hell, just take as much as you want. They’re giving it away.
The “Progress Island USA” mini golf course would be in Puerto Rico (obviously) and there would be wah wah pedals playing constantly, and when you get to the 18th hole you’ll be given lots of money to exploit their people.
“It’s the FUTURE WAR Miniature Golf Course! Come one, come all, and Thrill as you putt your way past a MILLION CARDBOARD BOXES! But wait, there’s more! When you have reached the Ends of the Earth (that is, the LAST CARDBOARD BOX), you will be greeted by Vicious Dinosaurs and a Cyborg with a Huge Chin. Along the way, however, you’ll dodge a Couple of Huge, Hungry Guys who might very well fall on you, crushing you and all your loved ones, thus ending the game in mid-progress. Should you make it past them, however, you will be tempted to Turn to a Good Life by a Reformed Prostitute-Turned-Nun. Should you be so lucky as to putt your way past the Huge Wimple she so zealously guards, however, you will possibly be on your way to a Glorious Finish. Prizes include drab CARDBOARD BOXES, and more drab CARDBOARD BOXES.”
Well, the Hercules Against the Moon Men mini golf course would definitely have a pretty tough sand storm to contend with, along with some random spikes just coming out of nowhere.
I would not recommend visiting Mole People Mini-Golf. You putt your ball into the course’s only hole which it then descends mind-numbingly slowly. During this agonizingly long drop, no one in your party is allowed to speak, though this may be a good thing as one member of your foursome is a pompous know-it-all and another is “a total load”. On the plus side, the moles do a good job of maintaining the grounds and there are plenty of mushrooms at the snack bar. However if you make a wrong turn, you may end up wandering onto an even more depressing course. “You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!” “You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!”
The Monster A-Go-Go course is awful. I was expecting to see a monster on the 18th hole, but there was no monster.
Simply lay on a gurney, relax and let Daisy the marula fruit loving baboon play 18 holes for you at the Overdrawn At The Memory Bank Mini Golf!
On the “Lost Continent” course, you have to climb over several tons of rocks to even reach the hole, then at the end dinosaurs attack you and try to eat your ball. All the while you have to listen to Sid Melton droning on about planes. It’s tough!
Ha! My girlfriend and I just played mini golf last Thursday! And we met because of MST3k! Wee-ird!
Hole #9 is the difficult “Red Zone Cuba” par 5, which is just one big sand trap that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight.
There’s the “Invaders from the Deep” Mini-Golf course. You play it, but you don’t know how you did because nobody kept a copy of the scorecard. Except Jim Mallon, who still has the original someplace.
There’s also the “Werewolf” Mini-Golf. The color and type of the grass changes at every hole (sometimes while you’re actually playing on it), the signs for each hole are unreadable, and the hazards include putting around the Yamaglanchi (sp?) skeleton, and evading the wolf/bear/bat/whatever thing guarding the 18th hole. Getting a Hole-In-One on the 18th wins you a coupon for a free game, presented to you by gun-toting Sam.
Then there’s the Mr. B Natural miniature golf course. It looks like an ordinary, dull, wimpy, nerdy course, albeit much shorter, except that, when you play it, a figure pops up right in front of the hole in very annoying fashion to startle the player out of an accurate shot. The goal is to get it through a hole in the figure without getting startled. To make it less impossible (a recording keeps the player on edge), the hole is the mouth, a big enough target to give the confused player a fair shot. When you get the ball in the hole, a different musical instrument plays on a recording to signify success. However, the ball often gets sucked into the Mr. B figure, thus making the player lose the game – because, after all, the Mr. B figure *is* a shrill, peculiar succubus. He/she just sucks.
The Mitchell is an “earlier version of a par 10”, featuring a large dragonesque Linda Evans head sculpture on the ground, her mouth agape like the skull of a tiger skin rug.
“Marijuana smoke” curls upward from her paper mache nostrils. A lot of the local kids hang out at The Mitchell, believing there is some pharmaceutical effect from the smoke, but it’s really just burning punk.
When the ball goes in, you hear a sound clip of Linda’s voice as she is being roughly grabbed by Joe Don Baker:
“Hey!!!”
Some of those same local kids like pushing on the mouth door repeatedly with their hands:
“Hey!!!” “Hey!!!” “Hey!!!”
They all laugh, because they think they’re stoned, but in reality, it’s just punks high on punk.
“Hey!!!” “Hey!!!” “Hey!!!”
Miniature golf courses are so weird.
Not a bad idea for the “Beast of Yucca Flats” course. If the PGA used getting shot at from overhead planes, it would be the only way I would watch golf on TV.
Time of the Apes. There’s about 3000 lost balls on Green Mountain but nobody will go get them!
Playing the Sandy Frank Japanese Monster course is a must. You must have an
annoying child as part of your group (one will be provided if necessary). There
are no easy holes on this course, from Gamera spinning on the first hole through Gaos seeking to laser your ball to Zigra slicing at it, you will find
each hole challenging. Beware of the attractive female figures seeming to welcome you
to take an “easy” route through their spaceship. Wise players take the long way
around avoiding them. Tag team monsters on the 17th make it perhaps the most
difficult to achieve par. Win a free game on the 18th by knocking over a cardboard
figure of Itchy (or is it Scratchy?) and be rewarded by a rendition of the Jet Jaguar
Fight Song as you bow in acknowledgement to spectators applause.
The Warrior of the Lost World course would be definitely be a mixed bag. The first hole involves driving the ball in a straight line along a long strip of tarmac for 15 minutes. Then you get to knock around an old junkyard, before stupidly losing your ball in the side of a mountain. You’re then whisked away to a tedious par 8 that looks remarkably like a community college parking garage, which ends with a difficult bank-shot off Jimmy Carter’s forehead into a toy helicopter.
After a frustrating encounter with an unavoidable sand trap, comes the best hole in the course, where you have to try to get your ball into the back of the awesome 40-ton fire-breathing Megaweapon! Afterwards, Megaweapon takes everybody for a free hay ride with punch and cookies, and if you ask nicely, he’ll take you around back where you can watch him spin donuts and crush a bunch of old talking information kiosks that were pulled from the course because people kept hitting them with golf clubs.
Most people just spend the rest of their afternoon hanging out with Megaweapon, but if you’re a loser like that Paper Chase guy, you can complete the course by playing through the final hole which involves navigating through an executive office filled with dangerously pointy shoulder-pads and a naugahyde-clad clone of Donald Pleasence (who’s so completely obviously a robot).
‘Hercules Against The Moon Men’ would be a challenge. It doesn’t just have a sand trap, it has a SANDSTORM!
SSSAAAAANNNDSTOOOORRRRRMMMM!
The Gamera Vs. Guiron course would, of course, have a giant spinning turtle you have to putt around, a series of little chambers that teleport your ball from one hole to another, a pit hazard with a knife-headed monster that emerges to swallow your shot, groovy space chick caddies, and free doughtnuts, which are really good.
the island of Malta course. the whole island is the course. the 18th would be the strip club and you must get the ball into the fish tank on stage (on the first try).
its a long par 5 to the national capital.
Here’s an all robot miniature golf course.
1—Start off with slow. The Robot of Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy.
It’s slow, with no knees, putt between legs. Easy par 2.
2—Also easy. Boris Karloff’s robot in The Phantom Creeps. Just
use golf club to hit robot’s off switch and go past it to the hole.
3—Gypsy. She opens and closes mouth quickly. Just call out
“Richard Basehart” and she’ll freeze with mouth open. Get a birdie.
4—United Servo Academy Men’s Choir. Difficult hole. Must putt between
various choir members as they move around singing. Par 4 hole.
5—Robot Monster. The goofiest hole. Easy par 2. Go around slow
moving klutzy monster.
6—Robot Holocaust. Don’t get distracted by seductive figures of the
Dark One’s chief minion and the Amazons wiggling around and you’ll handle
this par 3 poorly lighted hole.
7—Dog and Bear hole. The trick is to putt between Tom and Crow as they
chase each other in their over-the-top, extreme role playing game.
8—Einstein (computer) in Warror of the Lost World. Ignore insipid comments
coming from the cycle and easily get a hole in one.
9—No Springs! hole. Maddening. Must get past constantly shifting springs.
Hint: bring along Megaweapon as a playing partner and have him roll over the springs.
10—Heartbreak Hotel. Shoot past a twirling Tom Servo when he stops to say
“Creepy Girl” in a touching torch song to his love.
11—Merry Christmas. Get past Torg by having Santa turn him into a toy.
12—Omega. Reprogram robot (okay, it’s cheating. But the robot’s almost as
irritaing as the talking motorcycle) to get past it to hole.
13—Don’t Mess with Gramma. Tom Servo’s grandmom (the evil one) tries to stop your
ball from getting in the cup. She’s persistent but slow. Just keep away from her and
putt quickly.
14—Kamikazi. Crow and Tom move around in planes. You must time your putt to miss
them so they don’t crash into your ball, sending it back to the tee.
15—Metamorphosis I. Mike is bitten by a spider and turns into a werecrow. Weird hole.
16—Metamorphosis II. Tom Servo turns into a Real Boy. But it wears off and he
regresses if you get a birdie.
17—Smile! Gate on this hole only opens if you putt as Cambot sets off a flash.
18—Win a free game if you time your putt as Magic Voice says:
“Men! From now on I’m going to concentrate on my career.”
Over at the Eegah course the carts are actually dune buggies and it is really quite important that you watch out for snakes. If you bogey the last hole you have to shave Roxie’s dad.
there is also the robot rumpus course.
Try the Prince of Space miniature golf course – “I must reiterate for clarification that your putters will have no effect on us hahaha!”
I was doing awesome on the ‘Invasion of the Neptune Men’ course until the 18th hole. my for sure hole in one was loused up when the Hitler Building blew up.
@ 11 –
I inadvertently received a legal notice addressed to “Murdock Hauser” from Monster Cable to cease and desist using the name “Monster” in “Monster-A-Go-Go course.”
@ #11: Actually, there was no golf course.
The Phantom Planet would feature a real miniature golf course, since the whole planet is miniature.
@34 and I’m sure the Club House would have beer on tap from Micro Brewery’s. (assist to Mike)
Fun Fact: The Phantom Planet miniature golf course is a favorite
of the nanites (especially Shirley). Warning, don’t let Wade near
the brewery after a hard day’s work organizing the nanites—he’s a mean drunk.
Play at the Merritt Stone Memorial Miniature Golf Course!
…..at least I *think* it’s the Merritt Stone Memorial Miniature Golf Course…..?
I was really looking forward to “The Final Sacrifice” golf course but I got lost in the woods of Alberta, and then these black-masked thugs were chasing me, and then my truck wouldn’t start, and then….. [cries]
Come one, come all to the “Pod People Putt-Putt” mini-golf course! (Be sure to bring your Piquer Simon Jack Gray signature ball collection, of course.)
This course naturally has has an “all over the place” sort of feel, including:
* the first hole will have an “up in the mountains” feel, complete with plastic deer (“we’re just as confused as you are, folks”)
* the next will be styled like a music studio – there’ll be an animatronic “it stinks” guy, and you’ll have to get the ball through the “ok” sign his hand is making
* the next will have a cave-like setting, with Pod People eggs you’ll have to avoid hitting lest an animatronic Norm Abrams gets killed by a giant chicken
* after that, there’s a shotgun shack hole, complete with an incongruous presidential poster hanging on the wall and a statue of the Renaissance Festival poacher guy (“his last words were ‘Huzzah'”) – wait until the door gets yanked open before attempting to putt!
* there’s also an “another part of the world” hole, capturing the random flavor of the various exotic locales Trumpy was able to show through Tommy’s telescope. (Thankfully, *most* of the animals depicted in this scene aren’t live at this putt-putt course.)
* and who could forget the kooky wackiness of the underground “Trumpy can do magic things” hole – though there are so many goofy moving parts and obstacles (complete with antigravity spots resulting in your ball getting stuck on the ceiling) that many players get frustrated and quit here
* however, if they do power through that last hole, then they face the closing “on top of old smoky” hole, where the oppressive fog from the ending of the movie results in a hole where it’s difficult to aim for the center of the Trumpy snout to make your last shot. Don’t hit the adult Trumpy creature in the face too many times while trying to make this shot, as it’s got a mean temper!
And I didn’t have time to describe all of the other holes in between – the adventurous “Tommy’s animal collection” hole, the perilous “Bill’s massive drinks collection” hole, the slightly macabre “they’re going to have to build an addition just to stack the bodies” hole, the squeaky Casio music of the “must have parked next to a data stream” hole, the somnambulistic “music from some guys in space” hole… and there’s so much more.
It’s loopy, it’s kooky, and it’s fun – so in closing, what else can I say except: “It stinks!”
Okay, I have been inspired by CK (Louis??) Here is my 18 hole Satellite of Mini-Golf (while here, enjoy the Cinematic Titanic Skeet ball game and the Rifftrax Pop-A-Shot.) The SOMG – it’s what to do on a date!!!
1. We start off with a bang with the Green Slime Hole, par 2. Try to get your ball around large, green tentacled creatures into the hole.
2. The Last Clear Chance (for a good score), par 3. You have to contend with a car wreck and the ever dangerous train tracks as you try to get the ball in the hole. If you miss, the P.A. system blares “Why don’t they look?”
3. Uncle Jim’s Dairy Hole, par 3. Navigate through a tricky farm motif with cattle, cow patties and a provoked bull snake (the fountains, shaped like udders, do shoot a lovely milk fountain for your enjoyment.)
4. A Case of Spring (time Mini-Golf) Fever, par 3, plenty of coils to send your ball closer or further from the hole. Also, Coily appears at random times to block your shot and annoy you. If you miss, watch out; don’t say anything about the springs.
5. The Amazing Colossal Hole, par 3. Shaped like a 50-foot-man, you have to get the ball around the hills and the power lines to get to the hole. What sin must a man commit to get such a high score? Find out…
6. The Hole of Fu Manchu, par 5. It’s poorly lit and goes……on…..forever…..Halfway through the hole (if you’re not crying) watch out for ninjas that will monkey pile your ball.
7. Putting with Death, par 3. Avoid the turkey and stock car obstacles while you try to get your ball into the hole that randomly covers up for 15 minutes – all that while the P.A. system blares an annoying redneck hooting and hollering. A hole personally designed by Ben Murphy.
8. The Big Squirm, par 2. This worm-shaped hole has plenty of downed power lines and worms to deflect your ball. If you miss, the P.A. yells “You’re gon’ be the worm face.”
9. The wild, wild world of mini-golf, par 3. This hole strangely collides with the Mole Hole and adds to the confusion. Be on the lookout for shapely women gyrating and multiple Ratfinks to deflect your ball.
10. The Mole Hole, par 3. Along with the collision with hole #9, this course has you put up a mountain to the hole while avoiding the mole obstacles. The bonus is Alfred the Butler will hold your drink while you relax.
11. Hole Thrills, par 4. Put your way through “snow,” “ice hazard” and a ramp that leads you over a bunch of barrels before you safely get your ball into the hole. It’s almost as fun as shi-ing (and that is what they call it.)
12. Junior Mini-Golf Daredevils, par 3. There are plenty of livestock obstacles and the unique “square dance” obstacle around the hole. Additionally, there is the level of shame if you miss (not to mention the possibility of crushed pelvises.) Saddle up!!!
13. Here comes the Mini Golf, par 3. Try to get the ball in the clown’s mouth while avoiding the elephants, freaks and acrobatic obstacles. Watch out for the brown splotches on the ground, it’s best if you do not ask.
14. Mini-golf from L.A, par 4. The path takes you down a large cavern and must navigate your way through a rocky terrain back to the top. To confuse golfers, the owners of the course pump in helium and everyone will have a great time with their new squeaky voices.
15. First Mini-Golf Course on Venus, par 2. This hole is notable for the giant blob of goo in the middle to detract your ball from the hole. Looks like pudding, sure, but it also looks like a sure high score. The course is also lined with flags from multiple countries.
16. Putt of the Moon Beast, par 3. Avoid a lizard, meteors, green peppers, corn and…onions.. on the course while you size up your long bow..I mean putter, and get the ball into the hole.
17. The Catalina Putter, par 2. Navigate the beach and water traps and through the Jim Begg obstacle (when you clearly get through it, it raises its hands and says “You Got Me.”) It’s as much fun as sunny, fun-filled Bataan Death March.
18. This Course Earth, par 5. Hit your ball through Exeter forehead ramp. From there, avoid the Mut-ants and meteor crater obstacles and through smoking tubes. Get the ball around the interoceter and into the hole Crow dug with a pickaxe.
19. Manos, the hole of fate..Oh yes, a bonus hole. Get the ball between Torgo’s legs and around the Master and avoid the night robed maidens obstacle. If you get the ball into the right hole, you get a free round. If not, the round is over and your ball cannot escape here. It will be dark soon, the ball cannot escape here.
The Werewolf mini-golf course would feature only foreign people, ladies typing with no pants, constantly changing hair styles, and (at the 18th hole) a life sized Winnie the Pooh Joe Estevez.
…..And GRANDMA!!!!
The Devil Fish hole involves lots of vaguely Italian guys milling around, drinking cheap American beer. Hazards include the Devil Fish himself (randomly attempting to eat your ball, as you navigate the beer-swilling marine biologist’s fishing boat), as well as random jump cuts to other holes, on the course. Remember, kids: just because you CAN edit, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
Also, 17 is a water hole. Surrounded by water on all sides.
Then there’s the KILLER SHREWS course, where you stand at a bar, have some drinks, and talk about the shots you intend to make…
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