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Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Evil SchemeAlert reader Gobi suggests:
What’s your favorite? Keep those discussion thread ideas coming! 47 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Evil Scheme”Commenting at Satellite News
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Our trio of stooges in “Red Zone Cuba” just wanted to score $1000 each and skip town – but ended up in the most poorly filmed Bay of Pigs Invasion ever. Sadly, no one bothered to see if the money was given as cash or checks. Oh well. On the surface it seemed to be a good idea.
For that matter, the Martians actually accomplished their goal in “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”! The successfully kidnapped Santa and used him to bring Christmas to Mars, despite Boltar and his mustache’s best attempts to derail it. Let’s give it up for the Martians folks!
On the flip side- as far as crazy plans go – Dr Leopold in “Blood waters of Dr Z” was perhaps the worst. The plan was to put a mutagen in a spray-ketchup bottle, squirt some fish to cause them to grow, mutate a cutie to be your mate, and ‘rule the universe’……really? Even Fu Manchu’s plan made more sense….and I still cannot figure out the plot to that MSTie!!
No discussion of dumb schemes is complete without mention of Icky Elf Guy in Girl in Gold Boots. His plans to become an LA kingpin hit the skids before he even entered the city. All he became was an idiot drug dealer who thought breaking into a jail was one of the best schemes ever.
Honourable mention must, of course, go to the mutiny in space as featured in Space Mutiny. “We’re not going to fly through the universe forever! We’re going to land on a planet!” I’m not quite sure what their plans were after that.
How about the bad guys in SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON. Their plan did not make one lick of sense!
Good choices so far..
THe spread of Communism by destroying Old Glory from “The Violent Years” seems like a leap that Carl Lewis could not make.
The whole plot of “Space Children”‘s evil blob taking over kids reminds me too much of “And a Child Shall Lead Them” episode of Star Trek: TOS (and that was one of the poorest episodes of that show.)
“Future War”‘s villianous plot seems interesting (AT FIRST) until you stretch it out to its conclusion that someone in the military (not gangstas armed to the gills) would have noticed the roaming horde of puppets..I mean dinosaurs, wandering around L.A.
Alluded to earlier, “Castle of Fu Manchu”‘s evil scheme was so confusing and boring.
Of course, “Manos” had the idea of spreading evil one lost, clueless family at a time (with Torgo to boot.)
Maybe not the dumbest plot, but, the chromosome deprived bunch from Wild Rebels- hiring Dondi to drive them to rob the Citrisville bank- (they mastered two wheels, but four???)
I’ve commented on this in the episode discussion, but it’s worth repeating. The way Bob Evil employed time travel technology in Time Chasers makes absolutely no sense. I could buy him using it in an evil fashion if his purpose was to turn a profit. But as far as I could tell, he was being evil for its own sake. In fact, he contempuously dismisses one of the best ways to use time travel to make a buck (history class field trips).
Another one just came to mind. Dr. Cameron’s wolfman supersoldier project in Mad Monster is riddled with flaws. From what we could tell, the wolfman was completely feral and likely wouldn’t be able to wield a melee weapon, let alone a firearm. What good is that sort of supersoldier against contemporary military technology? Absolutely zip.
I know that there was something about radioactive rugs in Operation Double 007. And then girls dressed up like cats? I have no idea.
Well Manos had a plan (and indeed an entire plot) which made no sense at all. Roger (the hillbilly) in Squirm who intended to win the graces of Ms. Gerry really went about it in a way that made no sense. Honorable mention to Charles B “in over his head” Pierce for his plan to find the Boggy Creek creature- well done sir! Contrarily the plan to save the future in Terror from the Year 5000 needed neither luck nor skillful execution to work because a plan so perfect such as that is certain to succeed. Keep an eye peeled for the government to pursue that very plan as the next solution to the global warming/cooling/polar vortex/climate change issue!
Wild World of Batwoman gets my vote for dumbest evil scheme. The boss of the company plots to steal his own invention, an atomic hearing aid, by way of a super villain character, Rat Fink, which he just happens to have assumed beforehand and has some unspecified history of being foiled by the eponymous character.
The ink stained wretch who penned this scourge not only treats the audience to a Monkey’s style montage at the end but a jarring and unmotivated kiss between the mad scientist and his muddle-headed assistant, who we find out is actually another “brilliant” scientific mind rendered inept by self-experimentation.
The bikini women barely redeem this totem to mental flotsam, and the hearing aid, the supposed focus of the film, gets less screen time than recycled footage of monsters from The Mole People.
Kobras. What the hell was Donald Pleasance thinking?
And Yuri in Wahrwilf. What was the point of making the security guard a werewolf? What was he going to do with Paul? And were the hairstyles just part of the evil plan?
ok,ok, first: SvtVW. the aptly named vampire women go around chomping on people in order to re-beautify their club and find a replacement for their leader? then they sacrifice their whole race just to look under a pro wrestler’s mask??
next tRvtAM; i’m guessing “the bat” is the evil genius in this drab fever dream, i just have NO IDEA what the hell his deal is.
Most confusing evil plan belongs to the titular Hobgoblins. How, exactly, does making their victims’ deepest fantasies come true advance whatever the heck they were trying to do in the first place? What WERE they trying to do?
For most likely to succeed, I’ll make a stretch and say the Teenagers from Outer Space. Those skeletonizing ray guns were very effective on human beings (and little Sparky, too), plus the lobsters…. I mean gargon… were growing quite well and would have made one hell of a Lobsterfest. Finding enough drawn butter might have been tough, though.
Good discussion! There are so many, but the evil plot of the Ro-Men in Robot Monster seemed to work pretty well in the begining! The Calcinator Death Ray seemed pretty effective in whiping out the world’s pupulation and infrastructure, leaving only a few survivors. But THEN what do they do?! They send Ro-Man the Ro-Man from Ro-Man down to kill them off himself. The first rule of interplanetary war: when youre down to the last few survivors, always send a big hairy doofus down to mop up. Seriously, this guy is stationed in his bubble machine guarded cave, which is basically spitting distance from the hiding place of his targets, and he somehow hasn’t spotted them over the years?! I know there is some “explanation” in the film, but come on. In the very least, they could have sent an assassin who could do more than briskly walk towards you during a persuit! Its also important to send forth an instrument of ultimate destruction that makes your opponent quake in fear at the thought of their imminent demise, rather than one that leaves you with stomach pains because you’ve been laughing so hard.
Re MSTie says: @14
It’s been a long time since I watched Hobgoblins, and I don’t have it on hand, but I think there was actually some exposition to the effect that the Hobgoblins had an evil effect but weren’t specifically out to be evil themselves. That is, they inspired these fantasies just because that was something they did, kind of like breathing, and that it had horrible consequences wasn’t because they particularly wanted to torture the cast of Hobgoblins but because the cast had stupid, horrible, self-destructive fantasies. (Possibly all humans have.)
It’s kind of an interesting idea and in the hands of a filmmaker could have produced a neat story examining who we are, who we want to be, and whether those wishes could actually be made compatible with our sense of decency; but of course, Hobgoblins.
Not sure I ever quite got what Yuri was up to in ‘Werewolf.’ A serum that turns middle-aged men into Yanaglachi’s that suck at driving would seem to have limited practical application.
And I think the conniving Doctor in ‘Leech Woman’ would have had a tough sell with pharmaceutical regulators, and even potential customers afterward:
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Well, all the funniest stuff has been taken, so here’s my humble offering – the “resurrection” of the Hydrox (c), er I mean, Zeehoks, Zeeox, Zerox, Zee-hots, whatever “civilization” a la papier mache pyramid-thingie assumption into the skies in “The Final Sacrifice.” I mean, Rowsdower himself (via Crow) said “they ruled this square acre for about a week, nobody noticed.” Superior race? Really? Well maybe later, honey . . . My offering; thanks for reading! (“So, Rowsdower, is that a -stupid- name?”) :-D
Q’s plans in Mighty Jack always confused me. There was a frogman, and a guy’s car scooped up in a net, and a bug planted in the office but the chief knew about it, while the villains iced pineapple rings in a fancy machine and there was a traitorous Frenchman and a German lad with father issues who was intimate with his briefcase…and somehow it was going to lead to world domination and the destruction of Mighty Jack…I guess…sort of….
By comparison, the teens in Village of the Giants had an absolutely brilliant and clearcut plan to have people bring them food and soft drinks.
#14> I never got the impression the Hobgoblins were following any evil master plan. I just assumed this was thrill seeking way for them to get their rocks off.
“I had the perfect scheme to become King of Denmark … and it would have worked, too, if it wasn’t for that meddling prince!”
The plan from ‘The Corpse Vanishes’. Bela Lugosi poisoning brides on the most public day of their lives, all to keep his wife young seems pretty stupid.
Of course though, the plan of the eponymous creatures from ‘Attack Of The The Eye Creatures’ wear the crown in this contest. Come to Earth, wander around, kill a couple people then get disintegrated by friggin car headlights! Those guys must have been the B Squad.
Tormented. As someone once said: “This is one weird mama-jama of a movie.”
Tom Stewart initially appears almost sympathetic (what with Six harassing him,
first alive and then dead). But he quickly slips into full inept, self absorbed
doofus mode. He becomes (while still inept) eviler and eviler) finally deciding
to try to terminate with extreme prejudice little Debby. Well, she did have the
nerve to eavesdrop on him killing the water taxi guy! See, it was her fault! Kind
of makes you wonder what Six saw in TS.
What about the so called “teenagers” in Village of the Giants?? Have fried chicken and coca-cola delivered to them and then take the town’s folk firearms? That’s it? They didn’t think of kidnapping Opie and have him make more of that goop? Or maybe Opie could give some to Tommy Kirk and the good teens and defeat Beau and his gang?
Or what about Bela in Bride of the Monster? He was never successful in creating a race of super beans,but it only took Lobo just one time to make Bela as “big as a giant”? And how did Lobo learn so quickly,if he was portrayed as a dumb mute?? He took notes that we don’t know of? Or practiced when Bela was asleep?
@ #16 and #20 — thanks for explaining the Hobgoblins mindset. Sort of. Kind of. I still don’t really get it, but…. CLUB SCUM!!
Largo in Double 007. What exactly was he trying to do with the blind guys and the nuclear material? He never really said. And what the heck did the girls in little sailor uniforms have to do with anyth…Oh, wait.
The sad thing is, as a former comics fan, I can think of evil plots that make most of the MST3K things look borderline reasonable.
Speaking of which, the Mads’ plans always seemed rather vague. They trapped a test subject in an orbiting satellite and subjected him to bad movies to accomplish…? Then Pearl came in and it went completely south. Still, it’s not like we’re expected to take it all that seriously.
But I still can’t figure out Rat Fink’s plan from WILD WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN. He invents a listening device he can use to eavesdrop on telephone conversations, then plots to steal it back from his own company so he can use it himself? Why? If it was that important to him, why inform them he’d succeeded in developing it? Why not just keep it for himself?
Yuri’s plan from WEREWOLF also suffers from needless overcomplication. The plan is to prove to the scientific community the existence of werewolves through the skeleton, the extract which he can inject people with, and Paul himself. But really, do they need all three? And do they really need Paul alive? Are they afraid if they kill him in werewolf form he’ll revert to human like in the old Lon Chaney Junior movies? And if they have a means to create new werewolves on demand, why bother with Paul at all? And if they have an actual skeleton, isn’t that enough to at least start the ball rolling?
As far as evil schemes go, The Dead Talk Back confuses me. This guy is obviously a mad scientist because he had the hairstyle and everything, and reanimating the dead is almost always done with evil or ill-conceived intentions, but was there a reason given at all behind *why* he originally wanted to talk to the dead? Perhaps the dumbest evil scheme is the one where the scheme is not even clearly defined.
i think it must be written someplace in a villains handbook that every villain must give the full details of his/her plot.
I can’t remember the name of the episode, but I remember one mad scientist who planned to take over the world with bad movies. He was trying to drive a man crazy by showing him these films, but he had also trapped him alone in space. Which doesn’t make one lick of sense. If he went crazy, wouldn’t you assume it was from the solitude of space, rather than a bad movie?
Oh, well. I should probably just relax.
I have to say the Chicken Man, Krankor (Crank Whore?) from Prince of Space. He flies back and forth to Earth, kidnaps the scientists, takes them back to his planet, for what? I think they mention that they are low on fuel, so they steal the new formulae from Earth, which makes it doubly dumb to keep flying back and forth.
Similarly, the hot alien babes from Gamera vs Guirion do the same thing, send a spaceship to Earth for what? Then when the kids get there they say the planet is dying. Why not just fly to Earth in the first place?
“There was no monster”. Now, if THAT isn’t an evil scheme by the moviemakers (2nd unit), I don’t know what is! Arguably successful, too.
Even “How I Met Your Mother” couldn’t top *that* ending!
Gamera vs. Barugon:
Onodera’s plan to steal the diamond from the group trying to lure Barugon to his death. What’s the worse that could happen? Ok, so it’s not evil per say more self serving, but come on did he not think even briefly that “hmm, there’s a chance if I escape with the diamond I could get eaten by the large hellbeast dog lizard with the long tongue that I brought to Japan by mistake.”
I never understood what was the ultimate goal of Robert Denby. Apparently we are supposed to believe he was up to no good. He was so elusive that was the only episode of that TV series he appeared in, just making it more frustrating.
A thousand times Space Mutiny.
Ugh, it bugs me so much every time I watch that episode. You’re going to steal the ship to fly to the planet? There are clearly other places people can get to as evidenced by Blast Hardcheese showing up at the beginning of the movie, why not just steal one of those stingray viper things and fly that somewhere? Is the plan to fly to an inhabited planet? Are there even other inhabited planets around to fly it to? If there are other inhabited planets out this far why did they not build the ship out here and cut what we’re lead to believe was several generations off the trip? If not what are you going to do once you get to the new planet? How is being on a new uninhabited planet actually any better than being on the ship? Why did the ship not just fly to those planets in the first place?
The blood waters of Doctor z is probably the worst!! Although any scheme Bela Legosi Has come up with in any Mst3k movie could give Doctor Z a run for his money!! Diabolik just screws up to see if the cops can catch him this time!!!
I’m watching “The Amazing Transparent Man”, where some ex-Army major kidnaps a scientist, then springs a thief to make him invisible, and have him rob a nuclear vault. When he tries to rob a bank, he becomes semi-invisible. It all ends with a big explosion, and the scientist asking the audience a question.
There’s also “The Atomic Brain”, where some old lady wants to transplant her brain into one of three foreign domestics. One of them winds up with the brain of a cat, and it all backfires on the old lady. Let’s not forget her house gets blown up by a nuclear reaction.
Here’s another vote for Space Mutiny. But, not for Kalgan’s plan. The mission of the Southern Sun makes no sense. Kalgan, ironically, wants to basically fulfill that mission, but is made into a villain.
#30: Well played, Rex Dart. Well played.
Among the dumber schemes(as in “what the Hell where they thinking”):
Samson vs. the Vampire Woman: The head vampire woman thinking that learning the true identity of El Santo is a higher priority than the time sensitive matter of completing the ritual of having the professor’s daughter marry The Evil One.
The Leech Woman: Dr. Talbot’s plan to make his escape from the African village while leaving his wife for dead after she undergoes the ceremony to look younger. There’s a good reason why his wife chose him to be one who is sacrificed for this ceremony.
For Rex Dart in post # 30 and Cinematic Fanatic in post # 39…
The sad irony? It must have worked shortly after launch. The poor shnook trapped upon the orbital stations obviously “snapped” early as he builds some puppets and deludes himself into believing they are complex AI automatons. Forrester just needed to note what was the last film he transmitted before his test subject built the dolls. But he doomed his experiment to failure by believing his subject’s dementia as normal.
Sorry, just having a lil’ fun applying real world logic to the situation. ;-)
Sincerely,
Bill
the entire evil plot of wild wild world of batwoman.
I never was able to figure out why the evil fortune teller in Mixed Up Zombies was keeping a small herd of acid scarred zombies on hand. Was she planning a convoluted bank heist caper?
The Terror’s scheme from Terror From the Year 5000. She is sent back in time to get help, but decides to kill a bunch of people? Great thinking, no wonder they’re in dire straits.
Then there is Satoris’ plan in Final Sacrifice. Sacrificing someone to a idol will get you a army? Didn’t they establish it was a false idol? Even so, how will that help you take over the world? The rest of the world has armies, too.
How about Devil Fish? Step one: create a monstrous fish that will destroy all life in the sea except for itself and propagate beyond anyone’s control. Step two: … Step three: Profit!
I’d surely like to know what the hell Aram Fingal was trying to do while in the HX368 in “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank”. It seems all he accomplished was to create oodles of destruction, and to punish the fat man by doppeling him into a filthy, no-good, deplorable ant eater.
Blood Waters of Dr. Z… plausible.
This is actually a more complex question than it sounds. Are we talking here about schemes originally born of good intentions whose creators honestly, consciously thought they were doing good — or schemes which were inherently evil to the core from the get-go and whose creators were also really, truly evil?
Of the first type:
Dr. Cortner’s head transplant scheme in The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. Dr. Cortner didn’t come off as inherently evil, though a little bit full of himself. He obviously loved his fiancé dearly, wanted to save her, and decided her only chance was his wildcat transplant experiments which still weren’t 100% exactly perfect.
The Death Ray in Danger: Death Ray. Honestly, it really was designed for peaceful purposes — until a bunch of guys working as part of a vast international criminal operation so well-funded that they could afford to throw away a $1.50 toy helicopter got hold of it. Can somebody gimme a bop ah dop ah dah dah?
The Matter Projector in The Projected Man. Poor ol’ Paul was right on the edge of a hugely important discovery when his work was sabotaged and, on top of everything else, that old bastard Lembach would’t stick around town for a day or two until he got it together for another demonstration. That scatterbrained secretary didn’t help any by disrupting the process right in the middle, so that Paul rematerialized in a back alley, horribly disfigured and insane.
Of the second type:
Whatever the hell that pile of crap is that Lugosi is working with that’s supposed to turn people into an army of super-strong giants to rule the world with in Bride Of The Monster. Jeezus, c’mon, Bela, that guy’s just got a colander on his head! Now, that’s just pure evil. He got what was coming to him for tampering in God’s domain like that.
The giant mutant prehistoric octo-shark in Devil Fish. Just to be sure I’ve got this… a huge-ass corporation is funding a secret project to create a bunch of giant mutant octo-sharks to patrol something — oil rigs or something? So, they’re just going to turn these things loose in a fragile ocean ecosystem and assume they won’t be noticed, or interfere with shipping traffic, or fishing fleets?
The android duplication process in The Human Duplicators. So, these androids which are supposed to take over Earth on behalf of a galactic alien race can be destroyed by bashing them in the head or knocking them over so they smash their heads open? They actually thought they could rule the Earth with androids with such a glaring design flaw? Did anybody ever catch this issue in the engineering milestone reviews? Anybody?