It’s the end of summer and community festivals are starting to pop up. In fact, my own city just had it’s own Fall Festival. Since one of my favorite host segs is the Castle Forrester Fair in which Bobo sells deep-fried hair, I got to wondering as to what kinds of booths and/or attraction would various MST3K characters have? Perhaps you can get a pint of Luthor’s Peanut Apple Cider from “Touch of Satan”. Stop by the convenience store booth from “Boggy Creek 2” for a puffy hat with a filthy saying on the front. Get a free exam and set up an appointment at the “Torgo’s Othopedics” booth. Then stop by the main stage featuring Critter and the Gold Boot Dancers! I’d go!
Kenneth is on the same wave length:
This week, I’ve been on vacation, enjoying my annual visits to the Wayne County Fair in Honesdale. Today, I was reminded of the various times MST3K has ribbed county fairs (including the A Day at the Fair” short and the Castle Forrester Fair). So, if we were to put together an MST3K County Fair, what would it include?
How about a demolition derby where the contestants drive floor buffers and scream like little girls and jump from their vehicles before impact? Or a preserves contest (co-sponsored by the 4-H and Clonus) involving the best canned fruit, vegetables and clones?
So, let’s to the fair!
) to help our users cope with "trolls" and other commenters whom they find annoying. Go to our
I’m off to Torgo’s Mountain Lodge of Fun, But first i need to find the place to “Get your tickets here! Get you tickets here!’
Come to the Faire sponsored by the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont.
Ride Nick’s airplane to the past or the future. Restore the time continuum
from Bob Evil’s meddling and win a jar of maple syrup. Oh hell, take some
anyway. They’re giving it away. Thrill racing in the great velocepede race.
Dare to wear two kinds of plaid…at the same time!
Come ride the Giant Spider at the Wassau, Wisconsin County Fair! Free Geode with Packers Insignia with every entry ticket!
Combine two great great ideas: ren faire punching bags, with the the images of the egg hunters from Pod People on them! 3 Savage beatings for a quarter!
Get youself a hamburger sammich and french-fried potatoes at the Al’s Cafe booth. But check to make sure there isn’t a toenail in it.
Crawl into the Creeping Terror.
Experience the Puma Man Flight Simulator as a crane yanks you up by the seat of your pants.
Ortega could have a booth called Guess the Stain
Torgo will have his pizza stand
Moonie could have a shooting range where you get to kill a fat barkeep,but he won’t give you a prize.Just take your money and that’s it
Gloria will have her girlie show
Mamie Van Doren and her sister from Girls Town will have a kissing booth..
Mine would have attractions like:
The Killer Shrew Petting Zoo
The Lost Continent Rock Climbing Wall (It takes three days to scale.)
The Horror Of Party Beach Deep Fried Pickle Stand
The Puma Man Ride (You are hoisted up by your belt with a hook and flung through the air.)
The Outlaw Of Gor Dunking Booth (Its Watney in the booth, and has battery acid instead of water.)
The Bounce Castle Of Fu Manchu
The Day The Earth Froze Slushie Stand (Not very good. They’re made of grain and salt.)
And for the adult crowd:
The Women of Spider Island Peep Show
Along the Girl in Gold Boots theme:
4-H class on how to play harmonica with your butt.
Crispy ‘Critter’ chips.
Dunking Tank, hit the target, dunk a greasy mob-wanna-be and force him to wash his hair.
Icky Elf House of Horror.
Dune Buggy Tunnel of Love
“Here you are, ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see the Great Satellite Ride! Just go into this ride, it’s JUST LIKE going through space. Ah, here’s a game lad! It’s just a special effects experience, son, from your friends at the Great Gizmonic Fair! Dr. Forrester says there’s nothing to worry about! ….Excellent! You made a fine choice, sir! Now, just get into this jumpsuit and….”
Come one, come all to experience:
Lemminkainen’s Log Ride!
Attend the County Fair Pickle Races!
Spin-Until-You-Spew With Gaos!
And it goes without saying…
Tom Servo’s Kissing Booth!!!
Fantastic WDT!
Let’s see, stop by the beekeeping and home arson demonstration with Vicki, Dr. Manfred, and the bickering Hargroves from The Deadly Bees.
Play “Guess the Accent!” with Creepy Girl from Catalina Caper.
For the smallest kiddies — it’s bubble time with Ro-Man.
Head over to the rodeo grounds to for the lobster, I mean Gargon, roundup from Teenagers from Outer Space.
Check out the newest ride, Railing Kills, where you playfully fling yourself into space to air mattresses waiting for you on the ground… or not.
Finish off your chock full o’ fun day with the stock car race featuring Lazy Rider, Buffalo Bill, and the elusive Robert Denby (New England journalists highly encouraged to attend!).
Coleman Francis Days are back at beautiful Yucca Flats State Park. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs! Catch the wily old shopkeeper; drop him down a well and win a FREE coffee! Meet Hollywood pretty-boy Cherokee Jack! Flag on the moon! Smoke like there’s no tomorrow! Gangrene! SEE Justine’s tungsten mine! SEE Beth’s helmet-hair! SEE the black grandma of death! HEAR the legendary singing Buick! A woman’s purse! FREE autographs and face-crotch-rubbings by Coleman himself!!! Break free from the wheels of progress! Shove off!!!
See the carnival portion of the fair, with the most popular rides: Megaweapon – feel like you’re in command! And the “Petey the Plane” ride – it’s as if flying through the air, courtesy of your friends at Coleman Francis!
Too late to take in the satellite ride, though. It’s….. missing somehow….
YOU shove off, Dr. Erickson!!
Drag races between the dune buggies from “Girl In Gold Boots” and “Eegah!” Will Arch Hall Jr. win? After all, his tires are filled with water. Later, Arch doubles as the grandstand headliner, backed by his combo that really swings, and also by Critter on acoustic.
COME TO THE FAIR! Yes, it’s a crisp autumn day and the Delta Knights are your hosts at the MST County Fair/Renaissance Festival! There’s magic acts featuring MERLIN and his new assistant DR. CARLO LOMBARDI! MADAM ESTRELLA is on hand to read your future, you feelthy pig! Oh, and come to the petting zoo and pet the FEELTHY PIGS, feed a CHICKEN OF TOMORROW, or maybe even get DOPPLED into our star attraction, DAISY the baboon! Ride the Creeping Terror! WHEEEEEEEE! (Oh, sorry, nobody says WHEEEE!) Of course there are games – there’s the Dr. Balleau Shooting Range where you could be either the hunter or the hunted – win a sinister cymbal playing monkey! Learn to raise DEADLY BEES in the 4-H Club Pavilion. Finish off the day with our live entertainment – the BAND WHO SINGS CALIFORNIA LADY is here, featuring their opening act JOHN CARRADINE singing his one and only monster hit, “Night Train to Mundo Fine!”
Yes, it’s the GIRLS OF THE MIDWAY, joining forces to bring you song and dance…
Ride the Shook Outta Shape coaster, complete with a FREE cup of scalding hot coffee! Visit Santaland and watch animatronic slave children make toys and sing tunes from their home countries! Win fifty dollars if you can stay in the ring five minutes with Santo! Pay fifty dollars to stay in the ring five minutes with Peaches Paige! Watch the kiddies ride pedal-operated plastic toy dolphins in a whirlpool! SEE living organs ripped from the bodies of voluptuous women! Watch the boy on the left, his heart’s about to explode! Visit the Warwilf petting zoo! SEE new telephone technology!
Unless you’re Johnny. Then you’ll just wander off, get lost, and end up being patronized by the narrator.
Come to the Great Vorelli’s tent! See his amazing hypnosis show, complete with manic dancing! Thrill to the charms of Butt Lady! Watch the amazing walking dummy, Hugo!
*No ham allowed in this tent.
Stump the turkey volume guessing man!
Thank you, Dark Grandma! For that we’ll be sending you a really lumpy mattress!
Don’t forget to stop at the Cody Institute’s booth for a rocket pack ride.
While at the fair, stop by Big Stupid’s greasy spoon stand and have some of his famous scrambled eggs.
When in London come to the yearly Ye Olde Shakespeare Faire in The Globe.
Win at the Alas Poor Yorick gameshow, played between Acts at a German
production of Hamlet, and have Danish Clowns perform at
your child’s birthday party. Oh the humanity!
Johnny Dunking Booth. Buy baseballs, hit the bullseye, dunk Johnny in the water tank! Only problem is, his only insult to you to keep you buying more balls to throw is “I don’t care”. :(
Don’t forget to stop and get your screaming cotton candy.
Fortune Teller Madam Estrella! Stare into her mole and see your future.
Mother Fingal’s Nut Hut.
Sonny DiMarco’s Bumper Car ride.
Whack a Mole People!
Side Show Wonders:
Chicken Man of Crankor (no geeks allowed)
Giant Killer Shrews
Worm Face and his cavalcade of worms!
Human Avocado
Trumpy and his pet Ginger kid.
How about: The Sidehacker’s amazing race
SEE the amazing Perpetual Motion Jester! He doesn’t know how to stop!
VISIT Kenny’s World of Turtles! Don’t forget to bring a rock.
Stop for a bite at Ilya’s Three-Headed Dragon Sandwiches! Now with more HAM!
SEE the Human Lady! Watch her rub cake into her hair!
RIDE the disappointing Ferris Wheel! Wheee?
I just want to pet the dead camel!
Come down to Satellite Days!
See the dogs meat! Have the chicken braised with sun-brewed mayonaise! See the dune-buggy giant spider face off against the process-shot giant spider! Hear Little Richard hopped-up on goofballs, Basque sparatist rock by Jen-Paul Sartre and the Heartbreakers, and skull wailing by the Del-Aires! Watch the elderly American ninja defeat the much more capable stuntman! Pet the Llama! But don’t give Mikey no matches!
Go to Mick and Geri’s Antique stand! Look over useless knicknacks that no one would be interested in. Careful of the ones infested with giant maneating worms!
Santa land! Peep on different people of the world with a creepy eye on a tentacle!
Ride the giant fire-breathing, spinning turtle!
Test your accuracy with the Laserblast shooting range!
Jack Frost’s Fright Fest! Don’t touch the scepters, or be frozen to death. Don’t worry, any loved ones can revive you! Didn’t bring any loved ones? That’s not a problem because:
You receive a free coffin if killed at any point! Doesn’t count if you die of boredom.
My contributions to the MST3K fair consist of a “refueling simulator” based on The Starfighters, Ator’s Hang Glider ride, Krankor’s carousel, and exhibits from the Hitler Building (either recovered from its rubble or recreated based on photos of the building before its destruction).
How about’s the Daddy-O Apple Toss Game? A Platinum Blonde carnival floozie holds up an apple, and you swat it with an open hand at a target and win fabulous prizes!
Or the Max Keller toss. You (and several friends) toss Max through a plate glass window and win a date with Crystal Bernard.
I’d want to run from this carnival barker’s spiel: “Ladies and gentlemen, you’re about to behold a sight so strange, so horrifying, so utterly monstrous, that I urge you who are easily frightened or upset, who suffer from nervous disorders, weak hearts, or queasy stomachs, who experience nightmares, and any children under the age of 16, to forgo witnessing this exhibit. Look if you must… at Crenshaw’s Little Creature!” :pain:
Old Timer Billy Slater’s Junior Rodeo. Bring your kids and rob them of their dignity.
I wanna pet the wounded goat! At Despair Days, which is the weekend after Milling-Around Days here in Gleason (not a real town)…