In “The Girl in Lovers’ Lane,” Dr. F envisions Evil Event Days at baseball games, where the team gives away harmful and/or humiliating products to spectators.
Let’s imagine some baseball team, somewhere, major or minor-league, decides to have a MSTie Night. What would you like to receive as a giveaway? A Joel Robinson bobblehead? Crow’s wire mother to the first 1,500 kids 12 and under? A cap with the Deep 13 logo?
Anyways, as we enter the home stretch of the regular season, I thought that might be a topical conversation-starter.
I would say promotions based on the MSTed movies are also in bounds, such as maybe a guest appearance of the pickle monster from “It Conquered the World,” who would do battle against the regular mascot.
What would bring YOU to the ballpark? (Let’s assume this is a minor league team, where almost anything goes.)
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In honor of our locally-made MST3K movie, the Jacksonville Suns could have a Blood Waters of Dr. Z promotion. The first 500 fans would get a free doll of either the ZAAT monster, the racist sheriff, the African American scientist, or the Ken and Barbie characters in their orange jumpsuits. The concession stand would serve fried walking catfish with a side of sargassum, the weed of deceit. And a guy in a bad catfish-monster costume would challenge the Suns dog-mascot, Southpaw, to a fight between innings. Southpaw would win easily, however, because the monster would be too busy trying to draw a picture of Southpaw onto his hand-drawn wheel of victims to pay attention to him.
On a side note, if we were including Rifftrax movies I would suggest a Twilight-themed promotion in honor of the movie’s references to the Suns. But apparently that’s already been done.
How about “TV’s Frank night” where the first 10,000 fans four or older get a choice of a “Frank-n-Forcer” or a blond Frank’s wig complete with one curl right on the forehead!
Time of the Apes Night! All simians get in free. And when they get excited and start throwing their filth we’d also have Frank’s cherished dream of Poopie Night fulfilled. Though like my Forklift Night idea, I’m going to watching this one personally on the TV in the comfort of my own home.
If the refrigeration for the frozen treats at the concession stand gave out their could be an impromptu Incredible Melting Man warm ice cream bars giveaway promotion.
If a baseball player hurt his knee or some such, I would give out TorgoCorp crutches
Instead of the mascot races the carts from Space Mutiny race – Kalgon in one and Biff McHuge Blast in the other.
Torgo could be the stadium announcer, or he could share it with Tor Johnson.
Gargon could be served at the concession stands, especially for Portland SeaDog and Pawtucket Red Sox games. There could be a side of Frog Legs a la Weismeyer (from Red Zone Cuba) with pineal juice and neck juice for the drinks.
The “Hideous Control” band from Pod People can sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.
And the first 5000 kids receive a bobblehead of Dropo as Santa.
How about a night you get to choose between different “Manly” sunglasses? Phantom of Krankor could fly in and laugh at the “Puny humans” before being chased off after some empty threats. Then there is the always free popular pictures of Kathy Ireland :inlove:
The minor league team from Party Beach could have a “Look Polish” night. The first thousand fans will recieve bags of sodium to protect themselves from any baggy-eyed, pickle-eating, panty-raiding creatures. Of course, EulaBelle throws out the first pitch, followed by Elaine lip syncing a poorly dubbed version of the National Anthem.
My ideas of what can be done for an MST3K-themed baseball night:
-A Mitchell Bobblehead for the first 1500 adults;
-The National Anthem being performed by the Tom Servo Choir;
-A mascot race featuring the cast of either the Gamera or Godzilla films;
-In the middle of a “based loaded” situation, have some guy drive out in a Volkswagen made up to resemble a giant spider while screaming “PACKERS!!!”.
Free full size posters of Dr. F as Rollie Fingers & Frank as Tug McGraw
All children 12 and under receive a free bobbleSampo!
Well folks it’s seventh inning stretch time and just as we’ve been promising all week, live from London’s famous Dorkin Circus, it’s GORGO! The crowd here is really going wild as the amazing GORGO prepares to circle the bases for your entertainment, and there he goes and can that lizard hustle, he’s around third in no time at all and look at that hahaha the ump is pretending it’s for real and he calls GORGO out at home … GORGO’s not going along with the gag, he’s not happy about that call .. uh oh … uh, YIKES … uh … AAAAARGH!!!!!
At “Mitchell! night” every fan gets a half 6-pack of cheap beer and some baby oil.
The first 100 fans on “Filthy Anteater Night” get a coupon good at Nirvana Village for a free dopple.
On “Parts night” everyone gets a free clone (IF Malibu Barbie doesn’t fall over during the 7th inning go-as-slow-as-you-can bike race).
On “Starfighter night” the first 100 fans to show up in an F-104 get a free refueling. Yes, it has to be an F-104. No good trying to sneak by in an hippity hop helicopter.
Only have Mstie night at Wrigley Field. Fans who give the password, “Deep Hurting”, get 13 ounces of beer for the price of 12. Because who ‘Deep Hurts’, more than Cubs fans?
Alright, this is a shameless self indulgence, but here goes. Cornjob Night! Geeky but cool Japanese policemen get in free. So does anyone employed or associated with ethanol production (because they have corn jobs. Get it? Ow, Ouch, don’t hit! I’ll stop!) At the concession stand you can have your “corn dog” for half price if you agree to have it dipped in Wasabi sauce and thus transformed into a “cornjob”. As previously stated these Wasabi cornjobs will be steeply discounted, but all beverages will be steeply marked up. First aid stations will be set up for anyone injured by poor dubbing or steroid enraged monsters. If Guiron shows up all dismemberments will be 15% off.