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Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed MoviesDuring the episode guide discussion, the commenters got into a discussion about which of the characters was the biggest jerk. And commenter “Robot Rump!” asked:
We had a “smuggest” character thread, but that’s not the same thing, really. So let’s have it. Name as many as you like. I am going to go immediately to Dr. Carlo Lombardi, such a towering jerk that the jerk store called, and they’re out of him. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way.) Who would you pick? 126 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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Mike Flugennock:
I couldn’t have said it better! :) That guy might be THE biggest git in any MST movie.
I just wanted to add the moron of a husband from the first half of Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders. Do I really need to elaborate?! The man is a doubting nabob to begin with, and condescending to boot! When he abuses his newfound power (and kills a cat!), he decides to use his wife to save his own hide. He shouldn’t have survived that film.
By the way, did anyone else get a “final host segment from Laserblast” vibe from that part, with the crazy, increasingly older guy being turned into a baby to be raised by his wife/mother as a chance for a fresh start and all? What would Freud say…
The Great Vorelli has been mentioned, but I don’t think his biggest act of jerkitude was cited. In his Wacky Fun Time Revue he hypnotizes a volunteer from the audience into believing that he is about to be SHOT IN THE HEAD BY SOLDIERS. “I want you to imagine the bullet crashing into your skull..” Why that guy didn’t kick him in the cojones when he was snapped out of it is a question for wiser minds than mine.
#101 it was technically the end of the show, that would’ve been the last sketch if Sci-Fi hadn’t picked up the show aftewards. And it was a parody of 2001: Space Odyssey ending. Do you remember? 2001: A Space Odyssey? The movie? Hello?
#95 – Oops. Thanks.
That little kid from Mitchell who not only interrupts Mitchell’s stakeout but also gives him sass.
Most anyone in Hobgoblins makes the list, especially the van guy like #4 says. :-)
Roy Thinnes from General Hospital, and the Paper Chase guy from Warrior of the Lost World.
One of my favorite episodes, Phase 4, has a super jerk in it. The entomologist head scientist first tries to foster communication with the smart ants by blowing them up and spraying them with poison that looks like lemon cupcake frosting. In the process he accidentally kills the pretty horse riding lady’s family, and shows no interest let alone remorse in their deaths. He holds the pretty horse lady and his assistant hostage while deliberately and fatally handicapping himself to prove his superiority to the ants. His resulting total failure to understand let alone control the situation dooms the human race to being enslaved by a bunch of bugs. Good one you Jerk.
The magic shop reviewer in Merlin’s Shop of… is so over the top he’s practically a caricature instead of a character. “My names Bob Asshole”
And finally, Rick Sloan, creator of Hobgoblins needs to have someone “start slapping him and never stop. Let the healing begin.”.
The jerks? The guys who won’t sell the rights to allow the rest of the MST3K’s to be put on DVD!
That Rick Sloan problem can be handled. Just send a small robot back in time to kick him in the shins. That should take care of him. The movie will never exist!
Of course the challenge with a thread like this is to come up with one that hasn’t been mentioned yet. Since so many bad movie plots hinge on extreme jerkiness, however, that’s not too difficult. So:
• Vi was jerk for trying to blackmail Tom.
• Tom was a jerk for letting Vi die.
• Meg was a jerk for wanting to marry a jerk like Tom.
• Sandy was a jerk for not realizing what a jerk Tom was right from the get-go.
• Nick the beatnik and Meg’s dad were clearly both just jerks.
• Blind Lemon Pledge wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but at least she wasn’t a jerk.
Mike, the dad from Manos, as others have noted. Torgo says he shouldn’t stay there, his wife doesn’t want to stay there and neither does his daughter. So what’s a jerk to do but force them into staying anyways.
Sheriff Reston(sp?) from Squirm certainly qualifies.
RE #66, That would be a interesting fight. The guy from Hobgoblins armed with a rake battling Yuri, who is armed with a werewolf skull.
I guess he’s more ‘smarmy’ than a jerk, but Ohman, the holier-than-thou-hypnotist in ‘Invasion USA.’
“Heh, you over-privileged Americans. I’m gonna hypnotize you sheep into imagining your worst nightmares come to life, with Brandy.”
Though personally, I can’t help but feel Ohman’s a spy, trying to sew seeds of discontent.
Speaking of Jerky hypnotists, also that one guy in ‘The Undead.’ Mr ‘I-know-everything-and-I’m-a-Genius’ who soon becomes so incensed with his brilliance, that he decides to go back in time and instigate things (“STAAYYY!!!”), before the devil tells him, ‘you muddied your own pants, you’re gonna stick around and die here, while the madman sings more bad songs about morbidness and death.’
I’m just gonna go with my gut:
Moon.
HE KILLED THAT FAT BARKEEP!! (and that’s not even the reason he’s a jerk).
Neptune Man:
I know full well it was a reference to 2001; I just thought the whole baby thing in Merlin was similar (albeit vaguely) to the end of that movie, which was parodied in Laserblast. Trust me, I’m familiar with 2001.
@#114 Yeah, how could I forget to charge Moon with the crime of killing that fat barkeep? Stupid, rude criminal Moon. And Iris, let guys watch TV in bars, wouldja? Come on!
Ross from Catching Trouble. Can’t stand all the blatant animal cruelty. The 2 “white hunters” from Jungle Goddess are a close second, but “my boyfriend Ross” is seriously the most awful human being I’ve seen. Small consolation but at least he must be long dead and buried by now. Hopefully by a rattesnake bite or bear mauling.
Maybe Ross was killed in the Birdemic.
Actually, the trick is finding people in MST3k movies that aren’t jerks. Actually, most of the cast of Future War weren’t jerks; colossally stupid, yes, but jerks no…
Brad from Soultaker seems the very model of a jerk. 8-) He snorts drugs, drives like an asshat, and is responsible for the deaths of (technically) three people. When he shows up later, does he apologize for killing everybody? NO! He acts all superior and forbearing because of his new job. Then he cuts the hero some slack, when really he’s just slacking off. To top it all off he claims that Led Zeppelin is WRONG; hey man, Led Zeppelin is never wrong!! Wotta jerk!
The sheriff from SQUIRM already got a heck of a lot of attention in the “Worst Cops” thread, but I’m not so sure he doesn’t deserve this trophy too.
How about Gary from Horrors of Spider Island? Not only has he made ogling dancers his job, he does it in front of his wife. And has her write their measurements down! Then he bosses the women all around the island. Actually, he’s less of a jerk after he gets bitten and turns into a monster!
Oh man! I forgot about the Shorts, and there WERE a couple!
Jeff’s boss – Once Upon a Honeymoon: Pardon my candor, but if anyone calls me as I’m on my way out the door to my honeymoon, I’m going to breathe heavily into the phone and make obscene noises until they hang up.
Joe Dokes – X Marks the Spot: When you’re that incompetent of a driver and then beg God for a second chance, you KNOW you messed up. Deal with it.
Judy’s brother – Young Man’s Fancy: Egging your sister on when you’re seven years old is funny. Egging her on when she’s seventeen and obviously “squishy” about a guy, and all of this in FRONT of said guy, nonetheless, is like asking for a shove in the back down the staircase.
I have decide that there are many who qualify but I feel you have to separate out the rapists, murderers, idiots and others who did not quite embody that quintessential lame malevolence that so characterizes a “jerk.” Therefore, I have to concur with post #45 and settle upon Johnathan, the guy who writes reviews for retail stores. Although he is probably just acting out due to issues with his impotence, that is no reason to take it out on the rest of the world. Good luck with that baby lady, your gonna need it.
I’m going to list all the characters I can think of who attempted or committed sexual assault, since that easily puts them beneath anyone else:
Dr. Carlo Lombardi (The She-Creature)
“The Great Vorelli” (Devil Doll)
Chuck and Froggy (Laserblast)
Joseph Palermo (Final Justice)
Uglyface (Devil Fish)
That little creep on the field trip who paws a comatose woman (Overdrawn at the Memory Bank)
SO many strong, determined contenders battling for the top prize! And yet, I don’t recall anyone mentioning one other obvious nominee, and quite possibly even a “shoe-in” for the highly coveted “Lifetime Jerkiness Achievement Award”. That positively LOATHESOME, sour old dictatorial crone in “The Atomic Brain”. Despite all the other quirky, amusing elements and characters that SHOULD make this dark, bitter…mildly psychotic…little celluloid oddity rather enjoyable, just the mere sight of this self-absorbed, cane-waving, wheelchair-bound BULLY, and that familiar knot I instantly feel forming in the pit of my gut starts to scream, “TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
Tons o’ jerks listed above. Since I just watched him, I had to add the brown-haired scientist guy who is a little shove-happy with the female scientists in KING DINOSAUR. Mr. Macho-Man can stay on watch for over 3 hours, tend to wounds, paddle a raft 10 yards to a “remote” island, but any minor irritation, and whammo! He’s shoving a girl. Jerk. :no: