This week’s topic came to me this week, as I contemplated the upcoming start of the new season of Cinematic Titanic live shows, and along with the announcement of the latest RiffTrax VOD title, “Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe,” hard on the heels of the live show and the recent VOD release of “Galaxy Invader.”
What do those two things have in common? Well, to me it feels like the MST3K is truly back. Yes, it’s a hoot when RiffTrax does an audio track for a major Hollywood stinker, but the unreconstructed MSTie in me gets a special thrill when either group takes on a terrible, low-budget oldie, like “Maniac” or “The Alien Factor.”
And what that means to me is: for the first time in a long time, it’s possible that some of those bad, low-budget movies that MST3K never got around to may FINALLY, some day soon, get the treatment they deserve. Yay!
So, with that wordy preamble, the question for the weekend is: If you had a chance to pitch one terrible movie to Cinematic Titanic and/or RiffTrax, what would you suggest?
For Cinematic Titanic, my gift is 1993’s “Catman: In the Boxer’s Blow.”
For RiffTrax, it’s 1976’s haunting “A*P*E.”
What would YOU pitch?
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I agree with a previous post…FROGS (with Sam Elliott) would be great riffing fodder.
Frogs was riffed by a rifftrax associate. Quite well I might add.
Well, Rifftrax already did the one I’d most wanted MST3K to do (Planet of the Dinosaurs, long a family favorite B-grade crudfest.)
A couple others that might make for fun maulings…
Zone Troopers (bad trailer): Allied WWII soldiers find a downed UFO, which might help them fight the Germans. Goofy premise, lousy attempts at humor, with just enough happening to keep it from being a snoozefest.
The Land of Faraway (YouTube clip): A foreign Neverending Story-type family fantasy adventure… I saw it on video as a kid, and even then I knew it was a B-grade knockoff.
As for which team to do each movie, CT would probably be a better fit with the first one, if only because their catalog seems to lean toward “grown-up” titles while Rifftrax will take on anything.
Also adding my support to the Krull nominations… bad sword-and-sorcery in serious need of riffing. (Oddly enough, I enjoyed the board game based on it as a kid… the movie itself was lousy.)
@Gary Bowden, thanks for the tip on revok.com, I’ve already order a copy. Much appreciated.
@101 Pet the Ilama..You’re welcome and no problem.Did you check out the movie R.O.T.O.R.??
#2
I kind of liked the Last Dinosaur, and that was a cool
jet Paladin had. But, yeah, it would be a great movie to riff
on. I’m surprised neither CT or Mike and friends haven’t done so.
I would recommend “She-Freak”, the absolutely horrible 60s/70s rip-off of Todd Browning’s far superior “Freaks”. It has an “Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies” feel to it.
Oh, and for anyone criticising The Last Dinosaur too much,
just picture John Agar or Joe Don Baker in the Richard
Boone role.
Masten Thrust Jr. (no, really, that’s RB’s character’s name)
talking to the T-Rex as he prepares his crossbow:
“You think you can take me. Go ahead on.”
I’m with @85, more “Master Ninja,” please! I’ve seen about half of the remaining episodes, and they are so ripe for riffing!
I would vote for Rain Man, but it would be so un-PC that people would get upset.
On a more serious note, here’s some titles I bet they’ve thought about but passed on, but are so needing a riff. Some of these or of a “Manos” level.
Glen Or Glenda
The Conqueror
Myra Breckinridge
Inchon
Howard The Duck
Heaven’s Gate
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (Anthony Newley!!!)
Mac and Me (!!!!!)
Highlander 2
North (!!!!!)
Showgirls (yeah, right)
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn!
Freddy Got Fingered
From Justin To Kelly (ouch)
Gigli (double ouch)
Catwoman
Alone In The Dark
Baby Geniuses 2
Son Of The Mask
Leonard Part 6
Cool As Ice
Stone Cold
Any of these would suffice.
Or any movie from the 50 Movies For 50 bucks collections that they haven’t done yet. :)
“Some of these or of a “Manos” level.”
Some of these ARE of a “Manos” level, I meant to say. Whoops, I was supposed to pick just one for each. There’s just to much good pickings to go around!
Oooh, Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man! I’ll stop now…. :-)
I’d go with “Curse of Bigfoot” – a movie pieced together from 2-3 differently filmed parts tacked onto an older movie and which has as much to do with Bigfoot as Ben Hur. It makes Boggy Creek 2 look like a National Geographic documentary by comparison.
CT – Werewolf of Washington with Dean Stockwell Political satire disguised as a horror movie from the era of Watergate and full of cheesy ridiculousness
Rifftrax – The Bat with Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead. Great chance to do even more *ahem* Bewitched jokes.
@109
Oh my gosh, NORTH!!! Of course! I forgot about that one. Chalk that one up.
(Rob Reiner film w/ Elijah Wood and Bruce Willis dressed in a bunny costume. Never released on DVD.)
Good ideas, everyone, particularly the Sword&Sorcery and Sword&Sandals ones. My suggestion would be any of the dozen or so films by Andy Sidaris; they are all pretty much the definition of cheesy 80s action/T&A films, an ‘Angels Revenge’ times ten.
Sadly the T&A would probably mean only Rifftrax would do one, given how Cinematic Titanic blacked out the topless scenes in ‘Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks.’
Oh, my. *Rubs hands together mischievously* How about “South of Heaven, West of Hell?” A bizarre little Existential Western written, directed, and starring Dwight Yoakam, hatless and looking disturbingly like Carl Pilkington, and proudly featuring Vince Vaughn, Bridget & Peter Fonda, Paul “Pee Wee” Reubens, Michael Jeter, Warren Zevon, and Billy Bob Thornton in a Brittney Spears’ wig. It takes itself waaay too seriously and features inept stunts-including, but not limited to, launches instead of falls from horses and endless gun fights in which nobody appears victorious. Kooky character names like Valentine Casey, Petrified Paul, Brigadier Smalls, and Mr. Babcock, and loads of pauses in awkward dialogue make it ripe for the Riffing! If that’s not enough, it’s produced by Buck Owens. Have at! Please!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQF2ylT_AMw
@ 105 Gary Bowden, Yeah, I did, and I swear I saw it many years ago on some late show, but I don’t remember much about it. I loved the movies that site has. I will be ordering more from them. Thanks again.
1989’s “Trapper County War”:
If for nothing else than Mom Luddigger (Sarah Hunley).
Wow! An oh so cruel of heart North Carolina wealthy land-owner who owns the county, including its local authorities, as well as an off-the-charts twang (Naaa yeeew jus lissen to maee. We play by mah rules!”). All qualities sure to make her character riff-able beyond mayzure.
It also doesn’t hurt that the cast also has Patrick Swayze’s younger brother, Don, Ghostuster’s Ernie Hudson, beautiful Betsy Russell and Rob Estes as the hunky hero.
@117 Pet the Llama..So,we meet again,eh? ;-) Yeah,”R.O.T.O.R.” was made in 1988 and it’s a cross between Robocop and The Terminator with the title character going on a killing spree in Dallas.The scientist and his partner(looking like a female bodybuilder with a strange hairdo)must go find it before it kills this woman who witnessed it murder her fiance.The lead actor who plays the scientist,his voice is dubbed for some reason.It also has this one annoying robot that works at the lab who makes wisecracks.Too much to go into right now,but trust me,it’s perfect for CT to do..Oh,there’s a science fiction movie(can’t think of the name of it)that stars Barbara Bach and Richard Kiel made in Italy,I think and it would be perfect for them to do as well.
My suggestion for both of them (but especially the CT team) is the 1971 Hammer Horror knock-off I, Monster, featuring cinematic legends Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. While nowhere near as “grade Z” as the majority of Cinematic Titanic’s choices, I, Monster does contain several factors which make it nearly perfect for riffing.
First of all, the movie was originally supposed to be filmed using a new 3D process which depended on movement to create the effect, but they abandoned the technique midway through, resulting in a rather incomprehensible plodding 2D mess. What that means is that we get lots scenes of Christopher Lee randomly thrusting objects at the camera for no apparent reason and even more slow panning shots that just follow people walking back and forth.
Secondly, while I, Monster features several recognizable Hammer Horror actors, this movie was put together on the cheap by two dentists who wanted to break into show business. The resulting film does not actually contain any on-screen blood or nudity (usually a Hammer staple, but better suited to CT and Rifftrax’s unofficial PG-13 ratings policy) and due to rights issues, they had to change the name of the primary character(s) from Jekyll & Hyde to Marlowe & Blake.
There is one suggestively violent sequence where Lee’s character injects his pet cat with evil juice and then has to kill it (off screen) with a fireplace poker. However, due to some extremely bad editing, we see him throw a tea towel over the corpse but never actually dispose of it, even though several other characters later enter the room and (apparently) stand on top of the poor dead critter. There are also several other rather obvious continuity errors, bad makeup effects (Lee’s transformation into a monster looks suspiciously like the “jizz in my pants” guy) and as an added bonus for Joel and Trace, lots of scenes of Lee and various lab animals shooting up and tripping balls.
Two movies I’d love to see RiffTrax tackle are:
1) The American Godzilla (1998). It’s just as over-the-top and goofy as Independence Day (by the same director and producer, in fact). To tell you the truth, I’m surprised they haven’t done this one already. It’s a pretty well-known blockbuster flop-stravaganza.
2) Godzilla: Final Wars (2004). It’s Godzilla’s big 50th anniversary movie, but it’s more interested in kung-fu action scenes with the human characters and ripping off American movies like X-Men, The Matrix and Return of the Jedi. It’s a Godzilla movie celebrating 50 years of Gozilla that’s embarrassed to be a Godzilla movie.
I wouldn’t mind seeing Cinematic Titanic riff on a few of the older Godzilla movies too, like Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster, Destroy All Monsters or Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster.
I’ve tried to quickly scan the earlier suggestions, and I have to agree with Mighty Peking Man, my vote for the best of the worst of the giant ape movies.
I’m not sure I saw these so I’d also like to suggest-
For Your Height Only, featuring a 3-foot tall Filipino James Bond.
The Devil’s Rain, with Ernest Borgnine as a Satanist tormenting William Shatner.
Impulse, with the Shat as a smooth-talking psychotic gigolo.
She Freak, a low-budget carnival epic.
And finally Mad Love, a classic thriller with Peter Lorre as a demented surgeon. Creepers!
Oh, I didn’t read very carefully…
For Your Height Only, Devil’s Rain and Mad Love for CT, Impulse, She Freak, and I’ll toss in Lady Terminator for Rifftrax.
Oh! I just remembered – I’d love to see either group tackle EQUINOX. It seems like there’d be plenty of material for both group, but it would be really interesting to see how differently they might tackle it.
I think Without Warning would fit CT like a glove. Awesome cheap alien, plot that’s ALMOST intriguing, a young David Caruso in disturbingly short-shorts, and Jack Palance vs. Martin Landau in the clutches of mortal combat in order to decide who can chew more scenery.
For Rifftrax. Creatures From The Abyss. FX worse than HR Puffnstuff, acting on par with Troll 2. A movie that proves that some 90’s straight-to-video movies are, in fact, nothing more than crimes against humanity.
There’s a pretty good iRiff for Frogs from Horrorific.
Anyway, I would say “Starship Invasions”. It’s a ’70s movies based fairly accurately on UFO contactee lore, which of course means it’s ridiculous. It stars Robert Vaughn as a UFO writer, something like Whitley Streiber 10 years before the reality.
I saw the first “Outlaw” film on cable. I lost 90 minutes of my life because of that film! I want Rifftrax to riff it.
Oh yeah, Highlander 2 has been mentioned. Rifftrax or C.T. should do all the Highlander sequels. Each one is worse than the one before it. It’s almost like a mathmatic formula how they got lamer and lamer!
Blindpew – you are right; Megaforce is a natural for riffing.
BIGFOOT (1970)starring John Carradine and Joi Lansing..Bigfoot kidnaps some women and some bikers decide to go on a rescue mission to save them.Real slow.Bad costumes..painful..Would be perfect for either CT or Rifftrax to do..
I’m surprised by how many folks in this thread missed Sampo’s original point — which is to NOT to do recent films (and by recent, I think we can safely say any film made in the last 20 years).
The other point missed by some is that we want CHEESE — yeah, RT can (and has) riffed some “classics” that were even good films by their standards, but, again, Sampo was talking about terrible LOW budget films (leaving out such films as Highlander sequels — they may be awful, but they are certainly not low budget. Trust me — you couldn’t get Connery to appear in any film without paying the big bucks).
As always, the older the cheese the better it stinks (and the better chance someone will give up the rights to it).
Of course, all of this is just good (stinky) fun, so anything we imagine probably doesn’t have a chance of being done anyway. But I did happen to think (and see) a full-length B movie that would be perfect for either group — “It – the terror from outer space!”. This precursor to “Alien” was made in the 50’s and has some terrific riff opportunities (the last line is a space spokesman telling folks that “another name for Mars is…death”. And Mike and company would add “In related news, Venus will be called Serena, Mercury will be the Ford Explorer, and Uranus will, of course, still be Uranus”).
Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo
@ 121
The American Godzilla has been suggested on the Riffrax forum. And I totally forgot about “Yongary”. I have that in a set along with the unMSTied version of “Giant Gila Monster”, which I still have yet to conquer. I don’t know if I can survive an unriffed version. I’d say the kid in “Yongary” is about on par with Itchy and Kenny in terms of annoyance/wish they would get stomped factor.
Tourist Trap, a great little low-budget horror movie from the 70’s. It was Tanya Roberts’ first movie (predating her role on Charlie’s Angels) and also starred Chuck Connors and B-movie siren Jocelyn Jones. It’s actually a pretty scary and surprisingly effective low-budget movie but it’s also perfect for MST, much in the same way “Squirm” was (brief plot: a crazy wax museum owner with psychokinetic abilities uses his mannequins to kill hapless visitors). I’d LOVE to see CT or Rifftrax take it on!
Someone must do The Order of the Black Eagle. It’s a quasi-big budget, 80s action movie. It features Duncan Jacks (not a cereal, but rather a balding, superspy), who, alongside his babboon side-kick who at one point drives a tank, battle Nazis trying to bring Hitler back to life.
Sadly it’s not on DVD and not public domain yet, but by golly it couldn’t be that hard to get the rights.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ffp4MWvYAFI
Monstroid, starring Jim Mitchum and John Carradine, would be a great choice for CT or RT. Full of
silly dialogue and terrible acting. One character blows himself up when all he had to do was reach
a short distance and snuff out a fuse. There is also unexplained screaming in the distance once in a while. Very strange movie.
Has anyone heard of CRUISE INTO TERROR? Made in 1978 and stars Dirk Benedict,John Forsythe,Lynda Day George and Ray Milland..Modcinema dot com says this: This delightfully bad made for tv movie throws together an assortment of television stalwarts and movie has-beens for what is essentially a horror version of The Love Boat.The plot involves a vacation cruise in the Gulf of Mexico,during which some of the passengers find an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus in an underwater cavern.Instead of “wasting time” explaining what Egyptian ruins are doing so far from Northern Africa,the writers decide to make things by making the coffin’s occupant none other than the Devil himself.This stirs things up a bit for the hapless vacationers-particularly the fire and brimstone preacher(Forsythe)who happens to be aboard.Cheap,campy,and topped off with a ridiculous ending…I can see CT doing this one.
@137..Dang it: I hate it when I forget to type a word in..What it meant to say was this: “the writers decide to make thing easy by making the coffin’s occupant…” Also,modcinema didn’t say that they could see CT doing it either,but I’m sure a lot of you knew that anyway.Ok..sorry to bother you.. :-)
@137..Dang it: I hate it when I forget to type a word in..What it meant to say was this: “the writers decide to make things easy by making the coffin’s occupant…” Also,modcinema didn’t say that they could see CT doing it either,but I’m sure a lot of you knew that anyway.Ok..sorry to bother you.. :-)
In keeping with Ex-Genius’ point that some are missing the “older the cheese, the better it stinks” theory. I’m adding two more appropriate suggestions. 1) The Ape Man for CT: Bela Lugosi’s most embarrassing performance. The makeup is so bad that when spotted on Alpha dvd in a pawn shop my dad chuckled; “He looks so stupid.” Anyone who knows my dad would understand.
2) For Rifftrax: From Hell It Came. A movie about a killer zombie TREE. Something about natives and a curse, or whatnot. It looks like it was shot in the producers backyard.
I haven’t had a chance to read through all the postings, so forgive me if I repeat:
1. Frankenstein meets the Space Monster
2. The Madman of Mandoras – NOT They Saved Hitler’s Brain
I’d also love to see a Green Slime redux.
…oh, and Gallery of Horrors.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062193/
One of these topics cannot go by without the mention of the 1972 tv-movie ‘Horror at 37,000 Feet’ starring William Shatner, Buddy Ebsen, Chuck Connors & Russell Johnson.
Just had to thow that in.
I saw it when it was originally shown on tv, so I can vouch for its cheesiness.
I have never seen it since, but it stayed in my head forever. Especially when the cocowheats-looking substance was bubbling out of the floor.
CT or Rifftrax can do it, doesn’t matter which.
@143 Manny Sanguillen…You can get that at modcinema dot com,by the way..
Saturn 3. A robot horror movie made to cash in on Alien, but gone horribly wrong. Kirk Douglas! Farrah Fawcett! A badly dubbed Harvey Keitel! Gratuitous nudity and over the top violence! Evil robots on a space station!
Saw this in college and my roommate and I were astounded at its awfulness. It’s perfect.
Event Horizon. Hellgate opens … in space!
Mission to Mars. Big budget, seriously stupid ending.
Here’s a scene from Tourist Trap: Woody’s death…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMZIrWEnuNI
Scary yet still somehow goofy. Dude- just break a window!
A while back, the local movie channel was broadcasting The Man Who Fell to Earth. I decided to watch, and was utterly amazed – that I was not watching the Nicolas Roeg film starring David Bowie, but a failed tv series pilot from the mid-80s starring Beverly D’Angelo, Wil Wheaton as her record-stealing street tough son, and the guy from the even-worse The Heavenly Kid as David Bowie, but with more of a happy go lucky,cheese-eating smile take on the tragic stranded alien role. I cringed through the whole terrible thing, and the memories haunted me for days after….
Oh yeah, The Giant Claw needs to be done by Rifftrax! A giant flying plucked space turkey (as big as a battleship) from an anti-matter galaxy surrounded by an impenetrable force field, destroying fighter planes and munching on the pilots, flying away with a trainful of people like a length of sausages and perching goofily atop the Empire State Building. Feel the terror that can only come from being on the verge of laughing yourself to death!
All for Yongary, Monster Of The Deep, Night Of The Lepus, and Frogs to be done!
Other suggestions include:
Attack Of The 50 Ft. Woman
The Astounding She-Monster
The Hideous Sun Demon
The Monster That Challenged The World
Deathsport
Astro-Zombies
Kingdom Of The Spiders
The Swarm
Curse Of The Living Corpse
Jail Bait
Queen Of Outer Space
Zontar
Night Of The Ghouls
Blood Shack/The Chooper (With no offense to Joe Bob Briggs’ great commentary for this)