In episode order:
• 310- FUGITIVE ALIEN/ 318- STAR FORCE – FUGITIVE ALIEN II–Starwolf: Full of self-loathing and self-doubt, he is ultimately useless in virtually every challenge he faces, but then the Bacchus 3 crew set the bar pretty low…
• 408- HERCULES UNCHAINED–Herc, of course: Let’s face it, he spends a good deal of the movie asleep.
• 422- THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE–Lemminkainen: o/` He’s a failure, la-la-lah…o/`
• 501- WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD–Paper Chase Guy: As discussed this week, a whiny incompetent.
• 512- MITCHELL–Mitchell!: “Our hero, ladies and gentlemen…” Sleeps with hookers and drinks with his toes, the ultimate lame hero.
• 704- THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN–DOCTOR TED NELSON!: Repeatedly drops the ball throughout his entire investigation.
• 808- THE SHE CREATURE–Lance Fuller: Dead-eyed and comotose, the hero that just sort of stands there.
• 816- PRINCE OF SPACE/ INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN–yes, I know Prince of Space and Space Chief are technically different characters, but really we’re talking about the same archetype, and while our weapons are useless against them, lameness surrounds them.
• 910- THE FINAL SACRIFICE–Rowsdower. Nuff said.
• 1006- BOGGY CREEK II–Charles Pierce: He plays a smug, self-righteous callous jerk–and he wrote the movie!
How about yours?
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Weekend Discussion Thread: Lamest Heroes in a MSTed MovieSorry for the late start. Our topic this week is: Lame heroes in MSTed movies. There are, of course, so many of these to choose from, getting your list down to ten will be tough. Show your work.
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Warrior (from that Lost World place) and Ted Nelson would have to be my picks. And while I understand what you’re saying about the criteria for lame heroes, SimonArk, I would argue that Warrior and some of the other “heroes” listed here who techincally win ONLY do so because of dumb luck or a considerable amount of help – they sort of fall into success.
Others on my list would include the detective from Zombie Nightmare, Adam Chance, Puma Man, Hobgoblin’s Kevin….good god, there are just so many it hurts.
C’mon, how can Puma Man(scoliosis man, easily bambuseld man, PUMA MAN!,etc.) not make this list?
How about the crew in “First Spaceship To Venus”? They almost get killed by sentient diarrhea that one guy wakes up. Half of them get killed in one dumb way or another. And they leave the black astronaut stranded to die! “Thanks whiteys!”
I know Rowsdower (ZAP Rowsdower) is right up there, but I’d go with:
Troy – Final Sacrifice:”I haven’t read Tolkien in almost a week!”
Kevin – Hobgoblins: “AYEMEEE!”
Jerry – TISCTSLABMUZ: “And that’s what work makes you feel…depressed.”
Walker Stevens – Bloodwaters of Dr. Z: “I’m goin’ tracking!”
Hank – Horror of Party Beach: “It’s SODIUM!!!”
Johnny Longbow – Track of the Moon Beast: “I start with corn, onion, peppers…” (I know, not really the hero, but come on. The main character was so boring, I can’t remember a thing he said. He’s most memorable for feeling dizzy and sweating.)
Tom – Eegah!: “We can take my dune buggy!”
…but of course, David Ryder from Space Mutiny takes the cake: “WOOOOO!” Someone stole my purse too, and stole my heart…
Two more “lamest heroes” to round out my list of 8 above to an even 10…
– Any of the “hu-mans” in Robot Monster. They fail in their struggle against Ro-Man and our species is wiped out. Oh yeah, it was all a dream so I guess none of this counts. :???:
– The pop-singer in Pod People. He cheats on his girlfriend, threatens his host with a rifle, and fails to save anyone from being killed by the rampaging “evil twin” of Trumpy. His only decent act was lying to help the kid at the end so the good Trumpy isn’t killed.
MOST LAME HERO IN ANY MST3K MOVIE…
I do think that the main spy character in Rocket Attack USA was the most lame hero of all because there aren’t much worse consequences of failure than having millions upon millions of people die in a nuclear war as a direct result of your failure. He couldn’t even protect his female spy friend from the “fat, Soviet pig” she was forced to sleep and his incompetence gets him and his lady friend killed in the end.
MITCHELL!!!
Linda Evens must have NEEDED the money!!
Lets not forget Joe Wilson aka “Weenie Man” from MST3K the Movie. He may have been just a sidekick to Hal Meacham, but never much of a help.
Hellcats! Many times throughout the movie I forgot that the punkyteenagers were supposed to be the good guys!!!
What about “The Puw-may Man?” :shock:
Sitting Duck: Jimmy’s ultimate decision at the trial strikes me as narcissistic. The fact that he blames his PARENTS for his crimes seems to hint that he feels above all responsibility (or looking for a defense more inane than claiming insanity). Anyway, I’m sure we can both agree that he’s a witless imbecile. :mrgreen:
A few more choice “heroes”:
Phantom Planet: Frank Chapman. Wow, astronauts really don’t seem that cool in our old future. If he’s not whining about how we wants to go home, then he’s spurning the affections of a beautiful woman that waits on him hand-and-foot and hangs all over him.
Girl in Gold Boots: Critter the fair cowboy knight, of course! With his terrible songs and flowery language, he’s like the result of an unholy union between Arch Hall, Jr. and the co-pilot from Phantom Planet.
Ring of Terror: Lewis B. Moffitt. This guy slices open cadavers without batting an eye, but the second the lights go out he crawls into a corner and shakes like a leaf. LAME.
Wild Wild World of Batwoman: Um…what does the eponymous Batwoman do again? She seemed more like a girl scout den mother in a goofy costume than a heroine.
There are so many that we may have struck upon an MST3K constant… 198 episodes : 198+ lame protaganists. There are SO many, that maybe the REALLY hard thing to do is find GOOD ( non-sarcastic, non-ironc ) heroes. There’s not much to pick from, but gazing at the DVD list I find….
Rose from Gunslinger.
The undercover cop in the Unearthly.
The undercover cop in Swamp Diamonds.
Jimmy from Teenage Strangler.
Tommy from Pod People.
Puma Man was clearly lamer than Zap Rowsdower.
After much thought I am forced to agree that PUMAMAN has to be the most inept of the shows “heroes”.
I wonder sometimes if “semi-competent aztec man” had every intention of blowing up Donald Pleasance house who would have gone back and untied Pumaman before he starved to death?
Deathstalker is also a good choice.
I disagree with “I’m Not A Medium”- Rose from Gunslinger KICKED ASS.
Only one person has mentioned the little boy with the girl voice from Pod People who hides an alien- who might be killing everyone else in the movie- in his room. After the killing finally stops, he PISSES THE ALIEN OFF by telling it they’re not friends anymore. And thus, the inspiration for a sequel that could never, ever happen.
No one has mentioned Miles O’Keefe from “Cave Dwellers” either. With his silent, “Kato”-like partner, his faaaaaabulous cape and his stupid kite, he was a real winner.
And how about “the space children” who run around randomly under the guidance of a giant blob in a cave? Somehow eating ice cream can disable a military vehicle! Try it yourself- It’s fun!
Where to begin? At the beginning:
202: The Sidehackers – Caused me to dub anyone who is anti-gun as a “Rommel.”
204: Catalina Caper – Not Tommy Kirk, but Fingers O’Toole. He fails at comic relief and basic competence.
321: Santa Conquers the Martians – Santa is a lazy bum who teaches kids to throw dangerous toys around.
414: Tormented – Tom Stewart’s cowardice only makes him all the more hated as the movie progresses.
506: Eegah – As bad as Tom (Arch Hall Jr.) is, Robert Miller (Arch Hall Sr.) proves to be an even bigger idiot. He drops into the middle of the desert with minimal gear, no companions, no means of sending any signals/communications, and takes a shaving kit! At least Tom had proper equipment.
507: I Accuse My Parents – Quoth Crow, “Let’s not forget that Jimmy may be kinda stupid, Joel.”
521: Santa Claus – Santa is a lazy bum who uses child slave labor and has to rely on Merlin to bail him out.
607: Bloodlust – The nerdy guy who should’ve been left for the leeches.
703: Deathstalker – Deathstalker needs to die, plain and simple.
803: The Mole People – John Agar, ’nuff said.
812: TISCWSLABMUZ – At least Ray Dennis Steckler got his comeuppins at the end for ditching his girlfriend for the strip show and thinking there was nothing wrong with it.
814: Riding With Death – Sam Casey was tolerable, but somebody PLEASE shoot Buffalo Bill.
819: Invasion of the Neptune Men – The children! Stop thinking of the children and blast ’em, Space Chief!
903: Puma Man – He flies like a moron.
904: Werewolf – Paul. Paul Paul Paul Paul Paul…
907: Hobgoblins – Kyle. He wears pink. Enough said.
1005: Blood Waters of Dr. Z – The racist sheriff, glad he died.
1006: Boggy Creek II – Stick boy Tim.
We need to have a thread about characters who were most memorable or even likable.
Gamera and Kenny – Gamera – Gamera kills a bunch of innocent people and Kenny thinks he’s good. Same goes for the rest of the Gamera films. Just because you save Japan later doesn’t absolve you of the deaths you caused previously. Same goes for Godzilla. The kids who run around with Gamera in the later films must have Stockholm Syndrome.
Prince of Space – (idem) – If you’re invincible and you take an hour and a half to beat the most incompetent villains in the universe, you suck.
Max Keller – Master Ninja – Can’t speak. Has an elderly ninja do all the hard stuff for him. Can’t stick with one girl for more than one episod-, -er 45 minutes of a movie.
Pumaman – The Pumaman – has no real observable puma powers, has to play dead to escape his enemies and almost screws that up, and then his sidekick does all the work for him.
I cannot sit idly by and see Zap Rowsdower’s magnificent name besmirched. No hero in the history of film has been more…heroic!
“Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world.”
Puma Man naturally gets my vote, but an honorable mention goes to Diabolik, whom it is implied is a genius for getting himself permanently embedded into a gold mudslide…making his boasting-laugh at the end more ridiculous!
Trash from Escape 2000 also gets an honorary vote.
Who can forget Lt. John Witkowski in THE STARFIGHTERS (played by Senator Bob Dornan)? Well, everybody, I guess.
Technically, he’s the hero, but a whiny, whimpy and unimpressive one. He shows his heroism in an anticlimactic scene when he rescues his own plane from a terrifying unsafe landing gear warning. Oh, and he gets the girl…kind of.
Re #64 SteveVil : please re-read. I was listing 5 honest-to-goodness GOOD heroes I could think of from MST. Competent, or at least decent. Sorry if I was unclear.
>>>>Prince of Space – (idem) – If you’re invincible and you take an hour and a half to beat the most incompetent villains in the universe, you suck.<<<<<
He skips reasonably well, though.
Add my name to the list of people who can’t believe Pumaman was left off the list! So many reasons why he was a lame hero, but what sealed the deal for me was the incredibly lame outfit. Tan slacks, a green shirt and a cape do not a hero make.
(On a slightly related topic, what do you think the odds are that this episode will ever get the DVD treatment??)
glory to our spaceman in the highest! glory glory to the PUMA MAN!!!!
WOOL-OVER-HIS-EYES MAN! EASILY-BAMBOOZLED MAN! THREE-STEPS-BEHIND MAN! Never before has such a loser been granted super powers and failed so spectacularly in their use. For this reason, CONSTANTLY-OUT-OF-HIS-LEAGUE MAN (a.k.a. ThePumaMan) takes the prize in this little contest. World, better get used to being ruled by Donald Pleasence.
Someone mentioned Tim from Boggy Creek II above, but considering that Charles B. “Doc” Piece was the main hero, I think he vaults even higher. Nothing appealing, cool, or un-deplorable (if you will) about him.
Puma Man: sucks on toast
Critter from Girl In Gold Boots. A deserter and adult contemporary songwriter.
“Runaway” from Future War. ‘John-Claude Gosh Darn’ can’t even beat up forced-perspective toy dinosaurs.
Did anyone mention “The Load” from Mole People?
What a load!
Nicolletta is SO biased!!–” Jodie from THE TOUCH OF SATAN, who sells his soul to the devil so he can get laid”–haven’t we all?—— “Nick Miller from TIME CHASERS. There were two of him and one died. Too bad the other one didn’t die too”–isn’t he the first hero with glasses?—– “Deathstalker from DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL. Can we say “smug bastard”, boys and girls?”—just because he’s a little stronger, a little better looking…
I was able to ignore most of the bad heroes (however broadly defined for this discussion) in these MST films, and even kinda liked some of the people mentioned already mentioned, such as Ator, Deathstalker, Max Keller, Mitchell, Sheriff Geronimo, Hunk Manmuffin!, Rowsdower and Sam Casey… so a hero would have to be pretty awful for me to hate them, with that
– Droppo. As noted earlier, calling him a “hero” is a fair stretch, but he was a “good guy” (sort of), and to this day remains my absolute least favorite character in any MST movie, to the point where it’s one of the main reasons I never watched SCCTM a second time.
– The Angels. Combination of my mild misogyny and their thorough anti-appeal. I really wanted the drug lords to win this one.
– Pouty Clone. The parting shot (“I’m a sad clown”) said everything
– Pumaman. The very definition of Designated Hero.
– The judo girl from Bloodlust. This particular one has bugged me since the first time I saw it… the girl is noted as the daughter of a judo master, but the only demonstration of her skills was a rather sloppy seoinage tossing some mook into acid. IIRC, there were at least two times where they were confronted by the main villain during the hunt when he was without crossbow and probably easily subdued (I doubt he was any master of hand-to-hand), but she does nothing. Sure, the other three were equally passive, but I figured the whole gratuitous exposition of her skills at the beginning of the movie set was to set her up as the group muscle
Also, are we going to do a Best Heroes and Best/Worst Villains list as well?
Best Hero would be a short list, but they are there.
I look forward to a Greatest Villains list.
I’m just going to throw this into the ring and let everyone else fight it out since it hasn’t been mentioned… Fart Bargo, er, Bart Fargo from Danger! Death Ray. Ba da da da dada. Can anyone remember anything notable about him except for being a poor POOR man’s 007?
I have to disagree with EVERYONE about Henry Krasker. He was totally awesome! He’s a complete nerdy dork with a bad hair cut and Kermit the Frog voice but he doesn’t care. He’s a metaphysicist who also happens to dabble in stage magic. I happen to be a geek myself and would wager a guess that a high percentage of you people would consider yourself as such (look at the thread we’re in). His methods may have been “unorthodox” but he’s helped crack nine cases. I like the idea of a hero using brains and cunning to overcome adversity.
my apologies for the obvious mistake in entry- the unlikeable, craggy faced, froggy voiced, woman-intolerant ‘hero’ of ‘Giant Spider Invasion’ is Steve Brodie, not Bill Rebane. there are so many Rebanes in the cast that I got distracted.
I used to know someone who physically very closely resembled Henry Krasker [sans frosted hair effect- although by now, his hair has no doubt greyed to match Krasker’s.] the resemblance was complete down to the black-rimmed Buddy Holly glasses and pompous fluty voice. the first time I watched ‘The Dead Talk Back’ I marveled at how exactly he paralleled this cinematic creature. coincidentally, he was also gifted with an active brain that was filled to the brim with endless intricate theories that he would pummel anyone he managed to corner with, so enamored was he with the sound of his own voice and ideas. and he had a pre-occupation with the ‘occult’ that he managed to package as pseudo-science. underneath it all, he was a nice guy, but as time passed his pretentiousness canceled out all his good points.
I’m not sure if he kept a woman in a fish tank in his basement; but he would, if he could.
George Reeves in “Jungle Goddess.” He was smarmy and whiny and I can’t think of action he took in the movie, heroic or otherwise. And it’s my theory that it was his involvement in JG, not “Superman” that made him jump out of that window. (Don’t believe the Diane Lane movie – when they found him down on the sidewalk he was dressed in a pith helmet and khaki breeches.)
Come on, the ultimate worthless hero was Diamond Head. All he does for the whole movie is screw up and nearly get him and his friends killed. The only reason he wins in the end is because of some deus ex machina hobo that tells him exactly where Tree is, and what does our hero do, he screams like a little girl at the guy! Worst hero ever.
How about Samson of Samson vs the Vampire Women? I mean does the idea of a (rediculously dressed…ok any) pro wrestler fighting vampires sound lame to anyone else? I think Crow just breaks down laughing at him at one point.
How can you forget Puma man.
Henry Krasker is LAME!
That was the question, the lamest heroes.
The guy who played Henry, Aldo Farnese, is a lame, unnappealing actor.
I got no problem with nerdy guys who solve crimes, I just don’t want to watch an unappealing actor playing the role.
I also must concur with Sampo about Charles B. Pierce. He is highly lame and terribly unappealing.
An added weird note:
I was very surprised when watching Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry in ‘Sudden Impact’ (The one where he says “Go ahead, make my day!”).
In the credits it said that Charles B. Pierce wrote the story. Hows that for weird?
It makes me sick to think that the great Clint Eastwood would soil his legendary status by working with the likes of that bearded egg, C.B. Pierce.
Hey! I just realized no one has mentioned the lame heros in the shorts! Lets see…
X Marks The Spot – Joe and the Angel. Joe is a jerk with road rage and his guardian angel slacks in his duties and gets Joe killed (although with Joe, death was inevitable.)
Catching Trouble – Ross Allen. Stalks and captures helpless animals. Roughs them up too. He’s going to get a nailbomb from PETA.
Mr B. Natural – Mr B. Natural! No more to say.
Junior Rodeo Daredevils – Old-timer Billy Slater. Makes children perform in a rodeo. Laughs at their torn, broken bodies when the animals throw them off. Jerk.
Johnny At The Fair – Everyone! No one ever once asks, “Wheres this kids parents?”
The Last Clear Chance – The Policeman. He berates and terrorizes a family with stories of car accidents, and still fails to keep the older son from killing himself and his girl.
Design For Dreaming – The Tuxedoed Stranger. Sells an impractible version of the future to an unsuspecting housewife. Where’s our electric highways? Where’s our self baking cakes? Liar!
Young Man’s Fancy – Judy. Bi-ploar and squishy. Alexander Phipps. He is so boring!
Are You Ready For Marriage? – Reverend Hall. Creepy guy with questionable methods of marriage advice. I’d like to see his ratio of sucesses to divorces.
Out Of This World – The Devil and the Angel. They spend a lot of time battling over the soul of ONE bread salesman. Meanwhile, everyone else is just sinning away.
A Case Of Spring Fever – The Doughy Guy. After being threatened with the prospect of a world without springs, he becomes a born again spring zealot, expousing the gospel of Coily the Spring Sprite. Irratates his (former) friends with his spring dogma.
I’d have to say this is a hard one because 102% of the heros in these films are pretty lame.
David Ryder
Mitchel
Santa Claus in both of those holiday “classics”
Mr. B Natural
Rosdower
Any of the heros in the russo-finnish films
Hercules since he loves to sleep so much
Cabbage Patch faced Elvis. OMG he’s starting to look like Markie Post.
The first one that came to mind was Puma Man! He lessens the majesty of the animal he is named for. Now I feel if I ever encounter a real Puma I’ll just knock him the hell over!!
Oh wait! What about Jet Jaguar? He’s a bit cool but also lame and has a lame theme song, knock knock knock!!
The guy in sidehackers was pretty lame; though I don’t think there is more to say then that.
Mike from Manos. As joel put it when is he gonna start showing some competence.
Joe don baker. In both movies he ahh screw it you know why.
Steve “lamo” from wild rebels. He just sucked on toast. What was that final body count again?
The cop in creeping terror. Everyone in that movie is actually lame.
and just to finish up the list…
PUMAMAN – as crow puts it the real hero of the movie is the aztec guy. Since his only real power other than jumping up and down is to rear project major cities, and with the name pumaman he pretty much wins the lame award.
Jeez, so easy.
Runner-Up: Burnt Rumproast (Reb Brown) from “Space Mutiny.” Drives a mean floor-polisher, but his tendency to shriek like a banshee with its junk caught in the car door made me root for the bad guy to win.
Worst Hero: Pumaman. No, I couldn’t root for Pleasance, but only because he looked even more ridiculous. So I rooted for Big Aztec Sidekick, because (a) he was the guy who got things done, and (b) even in the end, he was pushing wimpy little Pumanerd around.
Honorable (?) Mentions: Time Dork Prime from “Time Chasers,” and Vaaaaaaaaaaance!! from “The Giant Spider Invasion,” who not only forgot the key implement of his plan to save the world at the very moment they were executing said plan, but also rolled ass-up over Barbara Hale in the most undignified display ever not involving Adam Sandler.
Klein(!), of The Sinster Urge.
Derek in Teenagers from Outer Space, killed his old man and all.
O forgot..
the “master” ninja in Master Ninja I & II
I know, I know, I know, I know… Tommy Kirk guy, Mike, in The Village of the Giants. Heck, as far as lame goes, I think he out-lames PumaMan even.
What about Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents talk about a loser, man, if I were his parents I’d probobly ignore the crap out of him too.
Ator and his friend Thong. That Thong son of a glitch actually took his time while all the lovely ladies fell into the pit. FAIL