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Weekend Discussion Thread: Best and Worst Cops in MSTed MoviesAlert reader Patricia suggests we discuss…
You can pick any criteria you want. I’ll just talk sheer competency: Most incompetent cop has got to go with Alan “Nassau” Hale Jr. as the completely clueless sheriff in “Giant Spider Invasion.” For most competent, I’d pick the Hat Squad from “Radar Secret Service,” but then they did have RADAR helping them! What would you pick? 105 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Best and Worst Cops in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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Kline was a minor character in the sixth-season episode featuring The Sinister Urge. Not color, actually, and it was a ’60s movie. He gets a grand total of maybe three lines in the movie and the SOL crew’s fixation on Kline and his magnificence is quite like the veneration of MEGAWEAPON MEGAWEAPON MEGAWEAPON from the Warrior of the Lost World episode.
William Boyett was also in sci-fi sleeper The Hidden, where he got to show the kids how *not* to drive safely.
I have to agree with #44: the cops/security guards(?) at the end of Incredible Melting Man.
“Listen to me, I’m DOCTOR TED NELSON!!!”
*BLAM BLAM BLAM!*
My list of worst cops by:
10. Sheriff Alan Hale from ‘The Crawling Hand’ and ‘Giant Spider Invasion’. “Oh! He stood up. He’ll have to get danger pay for that.”
9. The icky redneck sheriffs from ‘Squirm’, ‘It Lives By Night’, and ‘Blood Waters Of Dr Z’.
8. The two cops from ‘Beast Of Yucca Flats’ who spend a huge chunk of time shooting at an unarmed man. Well, I guess he just looked guilty.
7. The two patrol cops from ‘Manos’. Tail light out? Ticket! Kids kissing in the middle of nowhere? Yell at them! You hear gunshots? Eh, probably nothing.
6. Sheriff Beverly Garland from ‘Gunslinger’. Everyone in her town is dead by the end. Nice job.
5. The trigger happy pair from ‘TISCWSLABMUZ’. When in doubt, shoot everybody!
4. Sheriff Its-not-in-my-jurisdiction from ‘Giant Gila Monster’.
3. The entire police force from ‘Horror At Party Beach’. Dozens of girls being killed by monsters? Yeah, yeah. We’re working on it. These guys are the BP Oil of police.
2. The two detectives from ‘The Sinister Urge’ and their smut=crime philosophy. If that were true, then every male from 16 to 90 should be jailed. (hmmm…)
1. The patrolman from the short ‘The Last Clear Chance’. He shows up at a nice family’s house, horrifies them with stories of highway accidents, and in the end the son and his girlfriend get killed anyway. Thank you Officer Death.
My list of best cops:
10. Rocky Jones and Winky from ‘Crash Of The Moons’ and ‘Manhunt In Space’. They are technically cops and they get to zoom around in a spaceship.
9. The cops from ‘Eegah’. They respond to the caveman threat quickly.
8. Cornjob from ‘Gamera Vs Guiron’ just because I like him.
7. Officers Kevin and Mike who ticket the Mads for public disturbance.
6. The evil cop from ‘Zombie Nightmare’ because ‘HEY! Its Adam West!”
5. The police from ‘Angels Revenge’ for not appearing and letting a bevy of large breasted hotties do all the work.
4. The agents from ‘Radar Secret Service’. They do get the job done, thanks to RADAR!
3. Officer Kline from ‘The Sinister Urge’ for doing his duty, no matter how crappy.
2. The Malta police and their brave attempt to keep Joe Don Baker off the streets.
1. Mitchell from ‘Mitchell’. He beds hookers, shoots suspects in the back, yells at kids, and kills people instead of arresting them. He’s living a cops dream.
I want to give a shout out to Officer Kelton from “Bride of the Monster”, “Plan 9 from Outer Space” and “Night of the Ghoul.” Not the worst cop, but probably the most inept. Fun to watch, though.
The worst (and the ugliest) was the sheriff in “Squirm”. ’nuff said.
The most corrupt was Sheriff Mitch Bowers from “Untamed Youth”. He arrests teenagers on trumped up charges to have them sent to Tropp’s farm as, for all intents and purposes, slave labor, has no problem either smuggling Mexicans in to work or smuggling out whomever Tropp requests.
Good cop: The City Police from the Girl in Lover’s Lane. They were doing their best to follow the law, they were just out manned by the mob.
I would also say that the head of security for San Francisco International is another example of a fine police officer. He solves the theft of $3 million, aborts a kidnapping and arrests the perpetrators without putting anyone else in danger and not having to fire a shot. My job, my way.
The cop from “It Lives by Night.” He got pimp slapped by a bat, for pete’s sake!
Special shout out to the cops from “Manos” and, of course, Mitchell!
#51
Hey! Totally out of nowhere a slam at MEGAWEAPON!
The coolest actor in the movie.
MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON!
Speaking of WotLW…..
How about super incompetent cops/guards. The guards
who couldn’t shoot straight vs. Deadeye Dick’s (the
three “good” guys/girls plugging the guards 100%). :roll:
A poser, who were worse shots:
The guards in Warrior of the Lost World or
the rebels shooting at Butt McLargeHuge in Space Mutiny?
For me, the absolute WORST police office is Sheriff Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Someone who gets knocked out from a punch from a skinny Italian man is just pathetic in my book. For best, I’m not sure there are any “good” policeman in MST3K movies. They all seemed incompetent to me. But since I have to pick one, it would be Rose Hood. At least SOMEONE took over the duty of sheriff. Her rather dim partner sure didn’t seem capable.
Is there any question?
In a word: MITCHELL!
For worst I’d have to nominate the lawmen in any Coleman Francis movie whose first response to any crisis was always to get in a light aircraft and shoot at anything moving on the ground. Deputy 12 year old in Zombie Nightmare may have failed to affect the outcome in any way, but at least he didn’t murder suspects in cold blood orgun down innocents because he couldn’t be bothered to properly identify his target.
“Son? No wonder mom cries whenever I mention the Sheriff…”
Does the guy who gets deputized by the Sheriff in Giant Gila Monster count as a cop? All he was about to do was repeatedly point at his own chest (“his one move”).
For inept cop, I nominate the sheriff’s deputy in Giant Spider Invasion. You know, the one who bravely (and stupidly) took on the giant VW-mounted spider and paid the price by being sucked up the spider’s backside. Yuck.
As for bad cop I nominate Mr. Chunky Blue line himself: Mitchell!!
Not that there’s much competition, but I’d have to say that Deputy From-The-Waist-Down-A-Woman from The Touch of Satan would have to be the best cop. Granted, it wasn’t much of a case, but he was still able to put two and two together and solve the thing. Heck, if someone has to pitchfork you in order to save themselves, you must be doing something right. I’d like to think that he’s chewing on an extra-long toothpick up in Heaven right now.
And I’d actually have to give an honorable mention to that deputy who was killed in The Giant Spider Invasion. At least the guy went down swinging…
Kline: A cop without fear: Kline
Worst: A tie: The Sheriff of Everything in the “Attack of the Giant Leeches” and Deputy Doofus in “Gunslinger.”
Best: Sam Bass, “Gunslinger.” Once he arrived in Oracle, there was no trouble. ;-)
#57 The guards from ‘Warrior Of The Lost World’ by far. They make Imperial Stormtroopers look like crack Marine snipers by comparison. For me though, the worst shots are the chicken men of Krankor, but thats only because their weapons have no effect on Prince Of Space.
Worst movie cops were in Wild Rebels. Why didn’t they arrest the motorcycle gang after they attacked and robbed the gun store? Instead, they waited for the later bank heist and a lot of people end of dead because of it. The robbery at the gun store should have provided plenty of evidence for them to arrest the gang, instead, they let their surveillance run until a whole lot more people get hurt and killed.
Best movie cops goes to Crawling Hand. The fact that the innocent kid didn’t end up dead and the culprit rogue hand ends up destroyed is actually pretty good detective work. After all, it could have easily ended up in tragedy for the main characters.
#21 “Best cop would have been the deputy from The Touch of Satan. Poor pitchforked b*stard.”
He (she from approximately the neck down) was a good ole boy/girl. If he had taken me up on a swig of my walnut cider, he would never have been hacked. My recollection is that Deputy Shemale got hay-hooked, though. Twas neighboring farmer what got forked by a fromikidal maniac.
My wife nominates for best cop Lt. Mark Houston from “The Unearthly”. He kept his persona throughout the movie, determined what Dr. Conway was up to, brought in backup at the right time and was ready to take Grace home afterward. Also, he didn’t need to kill anyone to do it.
For the best, Clu Gulager in San Francisco International, a good actor perfectly playing a smart, decisive, and caring detective.
Worst? So many.
The cops in Manos hear gunshots, drive a little ways, get a creamsicle, walk maybe ten feet, and shrug their shoulders and leave the evil cult alone.
Also, Revenge of the Creature. Would you turn an entire police force over to John Agar?
I agree with all these here so far.
My vote for WORST goes to Detective Anderson “That’s me!” from TEENAGE STRANGLER – he is so preoccupied with Jimmy and grounding him from “seeing his girl” (are cops constitutionally able to ground kids?) that he has to make up for his mistakes by busting out a dirty window at the end to take a half-hazard shot at the real killer: the greasy janitor (would-a thought?)before he kills our heroine with the unfortunate haircut.
He does, however, have a good excuse – I think anyone would have been emotionally scarred after being cried-on by the blubbering Mikey.
BEST cop? Kline/Klein from SINISTER URGE. Not only did he do his job with all that he had, but he more importantly just stayed out of the way. If he had gotten involved, he may have gotten that beautiful mug of his hurt.
Hey, has anyone mentioned effeminate actor Casey Adams from the The Indestructible Man who married the stripper?
“If he had gotten involved, he may have gotten that beautiful mug of his hurt.”
=============================
Was Klein supposed to be the cop that went undercover in drag? In that case, he did get hurt.
I’d go with the Manos cops for worst, although I give one of them credit for being named after William Jennings Bryan.
Best, maybe the officer in X Marks The Spot? He didn’t do much but at least he didn’t make anything worse.
If there had been ANY police, sheriff, or hall-monitors in [Arizona] WEREWOLF, would they have been good or lousy? Guess we’ll never know….
Probably why Sam the Keeper carried a shotgun….no law presence what-so-ever, oh, and to keep the flies down.
Werewolf did have the security guard but he was only good at circling the same gas station.
Hmm .. a lot comes to mind on this topic!
Least Observant: The jail guard in Girl In the Gold Boots
Most Memorable: Patrolman from Last Clear Chance
Creepiest: Sheriff from Squirm
Worst ???: Allan Hale in Giant Spider Invasion
Lazy: The 2nd patrol cop in Radar Secret Service
Worst Case of Misplaced Revenge: Gaybar from Time Of The Apes
Shortest Investigation: Cops in Manos who walk 2 feet to investigate gunshot
Slowest investigation: The detectives in The Deadly Bees
Most benevolent: Cornjob
Best Personality & Screen Presence: Kline
Kline is impervious to injury.
You don’t direct Kline, you just get out of the way.
“Chief!”
“McCloud!”
Best Cop category-First Runner Up would be the officer from Samson vs the Vampire Women. There are a lot of cop in this one either getting the mierde kicked out of them or watching one of the other cops getting the mierde kicked out of them. The one I am nominating is the cop who was smart enough to pull his gun on the Wearwolf and blast away. Didn’t do any good but hey still smarter than trying to beat up a wharewoof.
For worst cops, you have to consider Monty Markham and company from Master Ninja II. They allow a Senator and his party guests to be kidnapped at a party, and then rescued by a 90 year old Ninja and his mush-mouthed sidekick.
Best cop – Daddy-O! Single handedly solves the DiMarco murder and breaks up the sinister Chillis dope smuggling ring.
“Dirty” and “Harry” from Laserblast.
And we should never forget the police chief from war of the Colossal Beast. Even though Dr. Charmichael didn’t like his driving, I thought he was quite lovable.
Slartibartfast, maker of Fjords, #70, I’ll second your wife’s choice of The Unearthly’s Mark Houston; I actually really liked him, too, even though I’d left him off my original list. Shame on me! He was a good cop, certainly by MST standards, and deserving of mention.
Mitchell is the worst. That’s all that needs to be said
my my my my my my my mitchell.
BEST ?…I`m surprised no one has recalled ‘Lt. Anderson’ from “Teenage Strangler”; he`s dedicated and not afraid to get tough with either teens OR their parents (“It`s your job to catch this killer Lt!” — “…And what`s YOUR JOB as a parent ?”)
Yet, after he makes the crucial kill shot–saving Sweet Betty from the homicidal janitor — he still shows a soft side by hanging with the gang at the malt shop !
Whotta guy !
Worst? Deputy`s Unger & Jeep from “Laserblast”…
They smoke pot, can`t drive, and only seem to be interested in hassling teenagers…presumably, whilst getting “READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL !”
The detective from “Plan 9…” who can’t remember basic gun safety was the worst.
“Laserblast” and “Squirm” seemed to have the downright meanest, redneck-iest cops.
Gene Roth/Merrit Stone seemed to be the most generically small-town cops.
Mitchell/Geronimo always got his man, but offended/killed everyone doing it. So, a draw for him.
Beverly Garland provided top-notch law enforcement in both “Gunslinger” and “Swamp Diamonds.”
And then there are all the cops batting cleanup on the storyline by running in at the end of the movie and shooting all the bad guys, a la “TISCWSLABMUZ” and “Incredible Melting Man.” I don’t even count them as characters.
how about mark from ‘the unearthly’… he put himself in danger to get inside the mad scientists lair…
and he was smug all the while.
If guards/jailers count as cops, then for Worst I have to put in a word for the guy who’s fooled by “Guard. Water. Sick man” in Red Zone Cuba.
PALADIN @#89 – I mentioned Lt. Anderson (That’s me!) in post #37, but I think you better explain why he’s the best cop around.
Best: Deputy Williams from Boggy Creek II. A true inspiration. He rose above the handicap of his “football head”, managed to convince a woman to marry him despite his overgrown mustache and survived a Muppet attack. Bless you, Deputy Williams.
Worst: “It’s Time For Some Football” cops from Laserblast. Call me square, but I don’t want my law enforcement officers smoking doobies on the job.
Worst:
Future War- “He shot the editor”
Soultaker- the detective’s assistant just leave the open door alone with out getting down to the nitty gritty.
Best
The wild rebels- the only cops with a smart idea
I’ll definitely go for Geronimo (Joe Don Baker) from Final Justice; he has all the best and worst aspects of law enforcement compared to the rest throughout the series. Also, he utters some of his ‘best’ quotes that defines his character including this one:
‘Think you can take me? Well, go ahead on. It’s your move.’
CORNJOB RULES! HE IS WHAT MADE ME WANT TO BECOME AN E.M.T.! :razz:
#26
The town was still isolated from the storm, so they couldn’t have easily called for outside help. This is despite the fact that people still heard about the “goo.”
hands down, its gotta be captain polaris and the poofy hat police from future war.
“captain polaris, we’ve got more monsters sightings in the city.”
I cringe at the acting every time.
I don’t if he was the worst, but he wasn’t dubbed very good. But the Sheriff in Superdragon. I still don’t understand why personal effects made him happy.
The cops in the beginning of Death Ray. Not only are they unable to block a road effectivly (big ol Cadillac drives right thru, but their weapons can’t hit a toy helicopter)
Finally the deputies in Laserblast, always picking on Billy Duncan and squealing tires in the dirt. I honestly don’t believe they were ready for football.