Which got us to thinking: What if MST3K: The Movie had been released in 2,000 theaters instead of 50? What if, promoted properly, it had become the hit we all know it could have been? What if (as I like to think happened in some alternative universe) it became the first of a long-running series of MST3K movies. If that happened, what movie do you think they should have chosen to riff in “MST3K: The Movie 2”?
Remember the formula: It needs to be something where the rights won’t be break the budget, something that will be accessible to non-MSTies, it can’t be too terribly long or OVERLY painful, but wacky enough to inspire plenty of great riffs.
My pick: A*P*E* Color, horrible, short (and cuttable), big stupid monster, equally stupid humans. Perfect fodder.
What’s your pick? Show your work!
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It’s Zsa Zsa Gabor – I can’t type in my old age!
A*P*E……if you have seen it you’d know why it’s a perfect choice….crap acting, crap dialog, crap sets, crap special effects, a guy in a crap ape suit, so terribly beyond normal bad movies you have to see it to believe it…
A couple possibilities:
Voyage to Planet of Prehistoric Women.
Actually a rip of Voyage to Prehistoric Planet with additional footage including Mamie Van Doren (!), and not to be confused with the MST episode with a similar name (Women of the Prehistoric Planet – ep. 104).
or, keeping Robert Z’Dar (Future War and Soultaker) Run Like Hell… 1995 movie showing how post-apocalyptic 2008(!?) all single women are kept in prisons. Some T&A, but Z’Dar is the best actor in the film..
J/P=?
How about “Killdozer”?
Yongary is a great suggestion. it makes the Godzilla movies look like Citizen Kane in comparison. I like Forbidden Planet too. How about that Citizen Kane anyway? Or even better how about Santa Fe Trail? Errol Flynn(100! today),Ronald Reagan, Olivia de Havilland, Raymond Massey, Alan Hale Sr playing historical Civil War people like Custer, John Brown, Jeb Stuart, and more. One of the more historically questionable films of Hollywood’s Golden Age. What’s not to love?
My real suggestion however is Message From Space. A Japanese knockoff of Star Wars it has Spanish Galleons as spaceships(complete with sails!), floating mystical walnuts, Sonny Chiba in enough silver make-up to kill three Buddy Ebsens and Vic Morrow as the old soldier gallantly trooping along in spite of his Irritable Bowel Syndrome. All this and more wrapped up in the inscrutable haze of Japenese pop culture. A true can’t miss, how come they never did it?
Equinox would be a cool one for a 2nd movie. I don’t know what would be involved in getting the rights, though.
Winterbeast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyO73C2aZqw
Beastmaster; Rip Torn at his scenery-chewing best.
Definitely my choice would be “Yor: The Hunter from the Future” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084935/). It’s awful and it “stars” Reb Brown, Mr. Big McLargehuge himself.
Someone mentioned Day of the Animals. How about William Girdler’s last film The Manitou? One weird mamba-jamba!
Oh, and Queen of Blood has a young Dennis Hopper in the cast. And it’s currently unavailable on R1 DVD, too.
I thought of Food of the Gods right away, but it’s a little bloody, actually.
Invisible Invaders (We are invisible! You cannot see us!)and Star Crah are two obvious picks but Invisible Invaders drags a bit in spots.
The old 3D movie The Mask would make a funny episode, not sure about a movie. Blood of Dracula’s Castle would be a scream! Too obscure though, I guess. As long as we’re talking about Al Adamson, though, there’s Dracula vs. Frankenstein.
Dang, I forgot about Yor!
I remember seeing the Giant Claw in the movies as a 6 yr old kid and when the ‘terrifying monster’ was revealed, the whole theater burst into laughter and cat calls and continued for the rest of the movie. Yes this was in NYC. I believe this was my first MST type of experience so I was very glad to see this flick nominated by many others.
I would also like to recommend ‘The Manster’.
Yor, the Hunter From the Future
Just check out the opening credits. If that doesn’t convince you, not much will.
I’m with feelingsquishy; the biggest complaint that I hear about the first movie (even from the brains, in retrospect!) is that TIE was a beloved classic, and that it didn’t deserve the treatment. I call bollocks on that; it was a dippy movie that forgot what it was about halfway through, with pointless sci-fi nuttery that didn’t contribute to the plot at all. So yeah; I can back Forbidden Planet.
Alternately, a legendary bad movie might also do well — a Corman, a Wood, maybe a Golan-Globus. Something by Greydon Clark — not mainstream legendary, but that’s only due to lack of exposure.
Actually, I think maybe I’ll go with Corman — Bucket of Blood, let’s say — if for no other reason that they’re uniformly watchable yet profoundly stupid.
“Samurai Cop” or “Alienator”
#59
” Reb Brown, Mr. Big McLargehuge himself.
==============================
Would you believe Pec Boulderdome and Cisse Cameron apparently were married (just saw it on Wikipedia, so…). But even more interestingly I’ve recently come across(since I’ve managed to avoid watching the Porky movies) stills of her in that movie (5 years before Space Mutiny) in Porky’s II, where she apparently was prepping for her display dance, but was considerably less clothed. :shock:
How about The Swarm from 1978. A stellar cast and the most stupidest script combine for a riffers paradise.
Ssssss
The movie Blood Hook, and it shouldn’t be too hard to obtain the rights for that movie, if you know what I mean …
“Class of Nuke’m High”
Have any of you seen this POS? It seriously needs the MST3K treatment.
These are alittle off the cuff, but my choices would include two 1970’s movies: “The Satanic Rites of Dracula”, starring Christopher Lee; and “Family Enforcer”, a Goodfellas-type film starring a young Joe Pesci.
I’ve always wanted to see the Brains get their mitts on the De Laurentiis disasterpiece King Kong Lives, the sequel to the horrendous ’76 remake. Sure, the remake was bad enough, but the sequel reached even greater levels of ineptitude. It’s unintentionally hilarious, jaw-droppingly goofy, and consistently entertaining in its preposterousness. Unfortunately, the issue of rights keeps this one in the pipe dream category.
The aforementioned Starcrash and Night of the Lepus are perfect choices; but I don’t think anybody could make those carnivorous bunnies any funnier than they already are. I also second The Swarm; such an incredible cast, all humiliating the living hell out of themselves. Or, for even more Irwin Allen wackiness, there’s his atrocious 1960 remake of The Lost World.
I know I’ve seen A*P*E*, but I was very young and my memory of it is shot (perhaps that’s a good thing?). I’ve been meaning to watch it again for quite awhile, since it’s been gaining more notoriety over the years.
RE: #62 from MrRocco
Well, “The Manster” is certainly a pretty awful flick, with a real “Are you kidding me?” ending. I think it would’ve been too dark and just plain bad for MST3K-TM2, though. However, I think it’d work great for CT.
Oh, and I agree with the previous posters voting for “Yor, Hunter from the Future”. That would’ve been a good one.
I know that Mary Jo is STILL jonesing for ‘From Hell It Came’ .
I’d love to see that.
RAD
I keep hearing “good” things about “From Hell It Came” and “Bad Ronald.” Or…let Mike take a crack at one of the Joel-era films. Or maybe let them review a few episodes of some reality show.
Bruce Lee’s FISTS OF FURY. My brother and I found that easy to riff. The one with the school.
“Want some Dog?”
:mrgreen:
Or simply, MASTER NINJA 3. I would’ve loved to see M&TB take a spin on the American ninja, and Timothy Van Patten’s adventures.
Joel discussed the early possibilities of what could have been done with a series of MST3K films in the 24 Questions Article that Satellite News posted:
https://www.mst3kinfo.com/satnews/brains/24q_jh.html
I found Joel’s description of a potential MST3K feature film franchise to be particularly interesting. In a way, it feels like this has happened with Cinematic Titanic. Due to the wait time between releases, Cinematic Titanic feels more like an independent feature film franchise than a traditional TV series. The difference is that the theatrical screenings are live performances, which are quickly followed by DVD releases.
What’s the matter with you people? So far, no one has mentioned the 1980 adaptation of Flash Gordon. A pulpy SF classic of yesteryear with Max Von Sydow in yellowface, Brian Blessed in all his maniacal glory (DIIIIIVE!!!!!), and a soundtrack by Queen.
If you want to go with a name synomymous with B-movies, there’s Roger Corman’s Battle Beyond the Stars. It’s Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai IN SPAAAAACE!!!!! And at two million bucks, it was Corman’s most expensive film.
I’m going out on a limb here and picking…
“KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park”!
Well aged, 1970s era cheese. It would be hilarious to see Mike and the Bots do a skit in KISS makeup.
Well, even though I can’t think of any others off the top of my head, I’m glad someone beat me to “They Saved Hitler’s Brain!” I agree that B&W would be a problem, but it can be offset by NAME RECOGNITION that you just can’t find anywhere else. (Of course by that logic, actually building the Mussolini Mall would make good business sense! *shudder*) The absurdity of the title would seriously be a draw though, and TSH’sB has been referenced so many times on ‘The Simpsons’ that it’d draw in a good chunk of their fans who’d never tried MST3K.
You also have to consider what would make for appropriate sketches to please any newcomers, and that jump after the first 20 minutes or so that was padded out with scenes that appear to made by early ’60s film students many years after the rest would be a great time for M&TB to pull an “emergency brake” or something in the theater so they could stop for a sketch attempting to determine if they’d been derailed into a completely different movie.
Of course, that same girl in the focus group who dotted all her ‘I’s with hearts would probably sink it by responding: “I just didn’t care for that ‘Hitler’ guy”
As much as I hate to suggest more recent films, I think that “Q” might have worked — giant winged serpent (terrible string noticeable effects), decent named actors (more fun to ridicule) like Michael Moriarity, Candy Clark, Richard Roundtree, and, of course, a Carradine or three (yep, there are actually three of them in the film, all equally weird and wonderful).
In color, which unfortunately I think would have to be the case for a theatrical release MST3K, and with enough action not to be boring. The one problem is it’s slightly tongue-in-cheek (the directory, Larry Cohen, knew he wasn’t making a masterpiece).
But overall I like some of the earlier mentions more — my vote would have been for Ator or Creation of the Hummanoids, two very worthy cheesy films.
“Zardoz” with sean connery. I would love them make fun of movie with giant head that shouts
“The gun is good. The penis is evil.”
Or the “Apple” Or how abotu Hobblegobble 2 or time caser 2. It only way they make any money.
Ok I got another one. This might not be great for movie I just want MSt3k crew do it. It’s called “Dracula: Sovereign Of The Damned”
http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyclopedia/anime.php?id=3875
It really bad cartoon/ anime. But I really funny momment after Dracula muggs a guy (Doens’t kill him just robs him) then goes eat a hammbuger. It great.
For anyone watching Equilibrium on Sy Fy right now, I share this riff:
“Do I buy this performance? Can I believe Christian Bale would like a puppy?”
I choose the 1955 George Pal classic
Conquest of Space
I think the Class of Nukem High movies might be hard to riff since they were (I think) trying to be funny, and comedies are hard to riff.
I saw a movie about an octopus man when I was a kid. There is a bit in The Pod People during the opening credit footage cribbed from another movie where a shambling thing is threatening a woman and Joel says, “It’s the Swamp Thing vs. the Sweet Thing.”
That moment reminds of the octopus man movie, and I’ve wondered if that is the actual movie that the credit footage was swiped from. I don’t know if the movie I’m thinking of is black and white or color since I watched it on a B&W TV.
Good topic by the way.
Cornjob, I think the movie you saw was actually called “Octaman” from 1971, the title character’s suit having been designed by a young Rick Baker.
The Iron Maiden guy at the beginning of Pod People on the other hand, is from “Galaxy Invader”, a movie even the most hardened MSTie will consider a total waste of time. Seriously, all watching it will do is sully your fond memories of Trumpy, and it’d be pointless to even try to riff. Feels like a student film without any of that pesky imagination or pioneering spirit.
Here’s an idea: They could do “House on Haunted Hill” or some other William Castle movie that featured an audience-participation gimmick, and do their own spin on it. Say, when the skeleton comes out through the audience in HOHH, have Servo yell, “Hey, get back here!”, and run off the edge of the screen, then have someone in black-ops gear run through the aisles with a Servo puppet chasing the skeleton on the guide-wire.
Any other ideas for stuff they could literally only do at an actual theatrical showing?
I have to disagree a bit with the premise, as i don’t think one feature movie a year would have been as satisfying as 3 full seasons… some things work transitioning from TV to movies, but some things are fine as ‘just’ TV shows!
Having said that, i think ‘This Island Earth’ was a high-budget ‘classic’ ’50s sci-fi movie, and they could have continued well with similar examples from other genres–like:
Sword&Sandal: 10 Commandments or Ben-Hur
60s Biker: Easy Rider
Ninja: Gymkata
Sword&Sorcery: Conan; etc.
Assuming that the genre was science fiction, I would be partial to one of the “big bug” films of the 1950’s like “Tarantula” or “Them!”.
Then some other films of that genre from the 1950’s would or the original “Invaders From Mars”, “Colossus Of New York” or “The Werewolf”.
The Sci-Fi films of the 1950’s in my opinion were rife with films too bad to be seen without being riffed.
I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this classic, but “The Brain From Planet Arous” would be perfect. John Agar goes completely over the top as a man possessed by the mind of an evil brain from “Arous”, and another brain shows up to kill the first one. The big finale features an inflatable giant brain that belongs in the Macy’s parade, strings and all. The female star is also the gal from “Girl in Lover’s Lane”
Really, no kidding, don’t be afraid it must be
TROG!
Ned Daigle commented, “Trog is truly ungodly. The performances are rotten, the Trog makeup is so bad it looks, at times, like it will slide right of the actor’s face, and everything proceeds at a snail’s pace to idiotic situations. It’s really sad to see such a huge star [Crawford] be consigned to the Z-grade abyss of films like this. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.”[1]
Let’s face it- there isn’t going to be another MST3K Movie. Might as well bite the bullet and move along. :wink:
@The Castle Monster:
Hey, a lotta’ us Transfans talk about hypothetical seasons 4, 5, and up of the U.S. G1 cartoon, but that doesn’t make us delusional; we’re just filling in the blanks left by how the toy line and animated commercials that continued on afterward to logically establish what would’ve been, not pining for it like those fans of Elvis and Andy Kaufman who think they’re gonna’ show up alive one day. Same deal here.
Audience-Interaction Idea #2:
They riff “Cabaret” (Liza=bottomless joke fodder), and when the lights come on at the end, the theater has been taken over not by Nazis, but Minions Of The Mads! Y’know, maybe Planet of the Apes denizens in Deep 13 uniforms, if that makes any sense. I dunno.
Well in that case I choose The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman!
Ed Wood’s wonderfully atrocious “Night of the Ghouls” starring Tor Johnson and Paul Marco. What more could you ask for? :mrgreen:
If MST3K were willing to go a little more risqué, I’d say “Double Agent 73” starring the one and only Chesty Morgan, or the grand-daddy of all slasher flicks “Blood Feast”.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension, definitely. Intentional campiness aside, definitely deserving.
‘The Brain From Planet Arous’ is a good choice. John Agar FTW.
On the big-budget end, I’ve always wanted to see them rip ‘Batman Forever’ or ‘Star Trek V’ (hell, even ‘The Motion Picture’) a new one.
And how about ‘Orgy of the Dead’ for an R-rated MSTie? :wink:
“Blood Moon” is the same cut as TWvsTVW, right? That’s the only movie where I’ve seen a werewolf recover after someone removed the silver bullet it was shot with.
And did Chesty Morgan do any movies besides “Double Agent 73” and “Deadly Weapons”? That is, ones that Daphne from Hobgoblins wouldn’t want to see…
Audience Interaction Idea #3:
They riff “The Tingler”, and the cue to start screaming sends them out of the theater, well, screaming…possibly involving puppets snuck into strategic locations in the theater commencing screaming as well…until Tom and Crow realize that the bugs can’t infect robots.
Throw in a subplot about Pearl teaming up with the Phantom of Krankor from “Prince of Space” to conquer the world with tinglers, only to be foiled when it turns out Krankor’s grating laugh is powerful enough to kill every tingler within a 5 solar system radius, and another MST classic is in the bag! (So most of the audience wouldn’t know who Krankor was; I doubt not knowing what “MANOS” on the manipulator arms meant diminished anyone’s enjoyment of the actual MST3K:TM)
#67, Dean:
YESSSSSS. The Swarm is an outstanding pick. Everything abut that movie is insanely bad and embarrassing; perfect riff fodder.
Hmm, never heard of Blue Moon, TWvstVW is also known as Werewolf Shadow, though.