And those that survived the Sandy Frank holocaust had to take MST3K deep underground into a dark world… of secret societies that would meet in so-called “laugheasies” in heavily soundproofed basements and catacombs to screen and discuss eps .. of digitized episodes illegally copied onto flash drives smuggled from city to city and country to country… of teams of Fahrenheit 451-style memorists that would commit entire subject films and riffing and host segments to memory..
The question is: How would these underground MSTies identify each other? What would the secret handshake be, what kinds of things might they wear to identify each other in clear but not too obvious ways, what would the passwords and counter-signs be…
MSTie 1: yes, what do you want?
MSTie 2. the golden spider duck sent me
MSTie 1. and when the floor waxer explodes?
MSTie 2. Lump Batchmuffin screams like a little girl.
And the door opens…Two strangers make eye contact on a crowded bus…
MSTie 1: That is a nice button on your jacket
MSTie 2: Would you like to push it?
MSTie 3: Frankly, yes.
And a package discreetly changes hands.They would casually whistle “California Lady” while reading in the park. They would subtly drop double “the”s into their conversation while wearing handkerchiefs on their head… and so on.
MSTie 1: The forklift is deadly tonight.
MSTie 2: And Captain Joe is drunk again.
I’ll let you go with it from there…
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And more code names:
Bob Evil. Bob Boxbody.
And for the lllllladies: Lupita and Nastinka.
MSTie 1: Today is dedicated to Uranus.
MSTie 2: Thank you, won’t you?
1. I see you like to hike,hike,hike your pants up.
2. Yes I like to take my butt cheeks for a ride.
1. Want some?
2. I want answers!
1. Who’s gonna be our leader now that Big Daddy got snuffed?
2. Me baby,me.
1. Do you like my Gold Boots?
2. I like to wear a real pancho, not a Sears pancho.
Both their eyes shift from side to side, then as a car drives by– 1.hands a bag of brown powder to 2. Then one says to 2. “Here I made it for you it’s a bunny.” 2. says “I better get going, I don’t want to get caught with this powder in my pocket.
1. Sandstoorrmm!
2. Rock climbing, Joel, rock climbing.
There is a knock on a thick, solid steel door.
A panel moves to the side, exposing a window.
Gruff man- “Password?”
MSTie- “The dog’s meat: have you seen it?”
The door opens and the MSTie enters.
I envisioned two people in a dimly lit bar:
Person 1 (as a form of greeting): Hikeeba!
Person 2: We’ve got movie sign. (leads person 1 into room full of dvds & merch.
Try as I may to come up with code-phrases, I can’t stop speculating about other potential details of this MSTopian setting: copyright-trolls patrolling the streets where citizens are only allowed to wear clothing consisting of public-domain colors. People are arrested for whistling songs without the RIAA’s permission, having birthmarks that look too much like copyrighted characters, or carrying any rectangular object with rounded corners that wasn’t manufactured by Apple…patents! Now there’s an Idea:
MSTie 1: “I have to finish my patent papers”
MSTie 2: “It’s what being Ben Murphy is all about…”
In Unison: “And I’M Ben Murphy!”
We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Here’s Coleman Corman reporting.
“Good evening. We have just received word from the FBBI (Federal Best Brains Investigations) of their ongoing investigation into the so-called “Misty Cult” that seems to be gaining a foothold in the underground culture.
The FBBI has requested any information citizens have on anyone consorting with or suspected to be one of these “Misties.”
Here is a partial list of things to look for if you suspect someone of illegal “Riffing” activities:
1: Anyone exerting even the smallest amount of effort and shouting out the phrase “Hi-Keeba!” should be suspect.
2: Anyone, when offered, gleefully exclaims “I like coffee!” is immediately under suspician.
3: All persons named Kenny or Steve.
4: Anyone expressing interest in “nuzzling a hobo” should be watched closely.
5: Turtle ownership.
6: Anyone, upon witnessing anything remotely sexual says “Oh, wow!” in a sleepy voice should be questioned.
To see a more comprehensive list of these signs please visit “Satellite News” on the Giant Web. Or E-mail Nastinka@Sampo.com
Good night, and watch out for snakes!”.
And now back to our regularly scheduled movie.
DISCLAIMER
Anyone caught riffing to the previous newscast or the following movie is subject to punishments. Weird punishments.
MSTie A: What kind of Christmas will you have?
MSTie B: A Patrick Swayze Christmas
MSTie C: Why won’t you touch Terry?
MSTie D: She’s dirt
I would approach a suspected MYSTie with a simple request to “Please Leave Robert Denby alone.”
Say the word ” Stem-low!”
or say “Ortega…It’s not just a brand name”. (Incredible mixed up Zombie thingy with the long name)
or say in soft muted tones, ” Tor hungry too!” (Ring of Terror)
MST1 – Cheating is bad.
MST2 – Richard Basehart is good.
Actually I thought we’d already gone underground. The last time I met a MSTIE above ground was at the Midnight show at the Uptown Theater. Since then it seems like everyone went down down down.
A more fun identifying attempt would be to walk up to people and say TODAY IS DEDICATED TO URANUS and then try to walk away with all body parts intact.
Person A: The man, yes.
Person B: The child, no.
Person A: Cheese, maybe.
There would be different rooms within the laugheasies, with different password/countersign combinations.
For the open, general area reserved for the most casual MSTie..
PASSWORD: Torgo
COUNTERSIGN: Hi-Keeba
For the more serious, more dedicated MSTies…
PASSWORD: Larry filed this.
COUNTERSIGN: Frank pushed this.
And, for the super-ultra-obsessive MSTies…
PASSWORD: Pizza & Pasta.
COUNTERSIGN: Yummy noise.
I think the musical ones work best. If a stranger came up to me and blurted out “He triiiiiied to kill me with a forklift” my immediate and instinctive response would be to shout “Ole!”
If you wanted to be a little more clandestine though, you could just start singing “I sing, whenever I sing, whenever I sing…” until your MSTie contact flashed you the okay sign and said “It stinks!”
Or just go with the classic call and response: “Chief?” “McCloud!”
Of course, for the super double mega secret entrance to MSTie H.Q. you have to be able to recite the password:
“He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned, too late for himself, that men have to make their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves, and, when men seek such perfection, they find there’s only death, fire, loss, disillusionment, the end of everything that’s gone forward. Men have always sought an end to toil and misery. It can’t be given; it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside. From man himself.”
Troy-and those who stop in their tracks and listen to your speech (in your best Peter Graves impression, natch) in rapt attention can be further vetted. I have that whole thing on a shirt, and while many have stared and read it, none recognized it. :(
Sampo seems to already exist!
http://www.sampo.com/
And they’re doing pretty well for themselves, it would seem!
Irish Sweep is people!
Person knocks on laugheasy door. Holds out to guard
assorted almonds, pecans, etc. and says:
“Mom, my nuts?”
Guard responds: “I’ll give them to the Fat Man.”
But to get in you still have to type in the door release number.
(Hint: Don’t forget to reverse the access code, it’s so simple
no one else will ever think of it).
#67-Oh my god. Can I, a US citizen, get car insurance from Sampo? Life insurance? If they only knew of a niche consumer group just waiting for a competitive dental plan. That made my morning, thanks for posting that! :)
Underwoc-or tattoos? I have Tom, but I’ve yet to see another MST tattoo in person.
“Have you seen the dog’s meat?”
“The what?”
“The dog’s meat!”
1: “DEEP HURTING!!!”
2: “Poopie.”
“Come for dinner? I’m making a rice of pipple.”
“Sure! I’ll bring a Johnny Longbow stew with corn, chicken, green peppers, chili… onions”
“Come for dinner? I have a beefroast in the oven. You know – BEEF ROAST… IN THE OVEN..?”
“Lovely! I’ll make a rice of pipple!”
#1 Flag on the moon….
#2 How did it get there?
MSTie One: (pointing at a random thing) “Look at that.”
MSTie Two: “You look at it, I’m bitter.”
Man One: “It’s a Cult.”
Woman One: “They worship blue oysters?”
Man One: “They want to rule the world.”
Woman One: “Joel plays too rough with the bots.”
Woman Two: “Gypsy crushes Joel.”
Man One: “The rings of Saturn cause melting in men.”
Man Two: “Only Dr. Ted Nelson can save us.”
Man One: “Cheating is bad.”
Woman One: “Richard Basehart is good.”
Woman One: “Are you happy in your work?”
Man One: “Jimmy is really kinda stupid.”
Woman One: *makes quacking sounds*
Man One: “I’m taking my new invention to the Invention Exchange.”
Man Two: “What’s your new invention this week?”
Man One: “It’s called the BGC-19.”
Man Three, overhearing the other two: “I’ve always thought drummers didn’t get enough attention being way in the back.”
Mans One and Two smile to one another, all say: “We have movie sign!”
MSTie 1: I have a sack of monkeys in my pocket.
MSTie 2: My sister is ready to go.
MSTie 1: When loving lovers love again.
MSTie 2: I really do like pie.
MSTie 1: Shine shine shine shine shine shine shine shine your love.
MSTie 2: It’s anonymous!
MSTie 1: (holding a map) Excuse me, do you know the way to Citrusville?
MSTie 2: Well, you can’t go straight up. Remember when we tried that?
Hello! Thank You!
Let me second:
Rock Climbing, Joel, Rock Climbing.
I came in here with the “Dog’s Meat” password but I see it’s been tapped.
And yet, no mention of the musical triumph of “DANGER! Death Ray”:
MSTie#1: Ba-dada dada da?
MSTie#2: DING!
Together: BA-PADA PADA DADA DI DA.
I have actually had favorable results from shouting one of the many “Space Mutiny” monikers in public. It’s like mating calls, but it always ends when one of us says “BOB JOHNSON.”
#1 – I gotta go, because all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight.
#2 – I’m ready for some football!
For the quick connection….
“Mom… my nuts!”
1) Coffee?
2) I like coffee.
1) Just like a man, you give him a break.
2) And you wind up in the kitchen, baking a cake.
1) I like skiing.
2) It’s realy pronounced she-ing.
1) My job.
2) My way.
This one I’ve actually used:
Suspect: Hey, what’s your ________?
You: My ____________? It belongs to the world.
Confirmation: I’m not an alien.
SAAAAAAAAAAND STORM . . . SAAAAAAAAAAAAND STORM!!!!!!
Yeah! I’m Wishbone Ash!
MSTie 1: Is that the bluebird of happiness?
MSTie 2: No, but its a ‘pretty’ friendly chicken
You see, it’s not, ah, oh heck, I can dream can’t I? ;-)
Kid’s loved Michelle Wilson back then, remember? This question is making my brain want to explode! LOL! My head is filled with all of these riffs and I love it! I love everyone’s suggestions because I love every single riff and I want to post them all. I wouldn’t be in the underground because I would be too obvious of a MSTie… :)
Here’s a way to flag down a fellow incognito Mystie in a passing car at night:
Driver 1: “Hey, turn down your lights!”
Driver 2: “Where applicable!”
Think about it, won’t you?
HI KEEBA! It’s Good To know we Are Still out There After The Betrayal By Comedy Central And SciFi! :-)
MST 1;ATENNN-HUT! FLIIINNGGG CRAP!
MST 2: Look,They’re Gonna Give Him a 21-Turd Salute!
MST 1:Oh,An Earthquake! Johnny,Don’t Go,It’s Too Dangerous!
MST 2: I Don’t Care!
I have mst bumper stickers on my car and look for others with the same. I also have my Tom Servo figure stuck to my dash. The other day going through my checkpoint at work the officer said to me, “Nice Servo”. Instant recognition. This is a good way to meet other msties. Otherwise, a good hearty “Rowsdower” would be a good way to identify others. In which you reply “Mstie eh?”
And of course, if you’re worried that your particular cell is in danger of being rounded up by the authorities, you can alert everyone with the code phrase, “Let’s escape under the cover of broad daylight in the biggest car in the county!”