Alert reader Matthew got the ball rolling by writing:
While watching “Teen-age Strangler” the other night, I wondered to myself, “Hey, I wonder if the Fastbacks (the gang that made an art of drag racing well w/in the speed limit) got in a rumble w/ Jaime’s oh-so-Klandictu No-shoulder Gang from “What About Juvenile Delinquency?”, who would win?”.
And that’s when I took that thought a step further – “OK, so lets assume that the Fastbacks took that one, what about, say, Benazir Bhutto and her gang of shakedown artists from “The Sinister Urge?”, could they handle those ladies?
Matthew went on to suggest an elaborate bracket competition that I think may be overkill for our purposes (though I welcome any reader to put one together if they have the time or inclination).
But it does bring up a vital question: Which tough guy/gal and/or tough gang from a MSTed movie could take all the others in a fight? Show your work!
Oh, and just to make it interesting, monsters, aliens and other non-human creatures don’t count.
I’m gonna go with Moon from “The Beatniks.” He was a badass and HE KILLED THAT FAT BARKEEP!
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Vadino (sp?) could take anyone. Not, only is he a champion belt thrower, but he is also has the ability to throw whiny cat gods out of windows real well.
I’d have to go with Buzz the Icky Elf from Girl in Gold Boots. He can take on gas attendants, old con-men, and motorcycle tires and he’s still just a child. Once he’s mastered his teleporting powers, he’ll be unstoppable!
Ator and his mighty pecs could take on any of them.
The tough guy? Prince of Space – your weapons are useless against him. In the end, he got his chicken.
The tough gals, maybe the Angels 7 group, mostly because they only got one of their group brutally murdered. I don’t think even Batwoman or Grandma Crush Bonemeal (forget her name, won’t remember it 5 minutes after I look it up) made it through that well.
I often match up characters from MST3K when I get bored: Sardonas vs The Master, Ortega vs Torgo, Eegah vs The Beast of Yucca Flats, Mitchell vs Rowsdower, The Robot vs The Aztec Mummy……..scratch that last one – it’s too silly to ever happen.
My choice is Beverly Garland’s widow character from The Gunslinger. When her husband is gunned down she straps on his guns and starts making her own rules and kicking butt. She may not be the smartest of the strongest character from the plethora of MST3Ked movies, but she has a survival instinct that serves her well. Heck, what other character had to gun down a flirty hitman hired to kill them? I think that, somewhere out there, beneath that clear blue sky, the guys at Best Brains would approve…
Guy: Gene Hackman, mostly for his ability to be good in anything
Gal: Beverly Garland in all appearances.
You should do a March Madness type of tournament to see who “is the toughest” of all the gangs.
I choose Ross Hagen as Rommel from Sidehackers. Not only is he a magnificent bastard, but since his girl was killed he has nothing live for and therefore is not afraid of death.
I vote for Hercules (I you can wake him up).
..or *IF* you can wake him up. I just woke up myself so I can sympathize.
I’d like to see the Wild Rebels or The Beatniks try to intimidate Old Timer Billy Slater. I think Slater would have them being thrown off broncs so fast their heads would spin (maybe literally).
Vadinho from Puma Man. He’s a onion.
I’ll definitely go for Paula Parkins from The Violent Years for she had done the impossible deed (Crow: Dr. Forrester has sent us a truly great movie)!
Actually, Coleman Francis was pretty convincing playing the Wild Curly, who was liable to throttle anybody for little reason at any moment.
The Nardo Women from “Swamp Diamonds” could have been an unstoppable force if they could have just stopped bickering and learned to work together.
Did I mention Coleman Francis’s Wild Curly was in Red Zone Cuba? I just woke up too. Actually it took nads for the guys from the Shining Path fantasy camp to invade Cuba all by themselves.
Gangsters, hookers, and children beware — Mitchell!!!
El Santo (Sampson) from Sampson Vs. The Vampire Women. Or Hercules, maybe. I also gotta go with Bev for toughest gal. Other nominees for female would be the cast of Racket Girls.
For the toughest tough guy(s) in the military category I nominate…
From “The Creeping Terror,” Col. James Caldwell and his special (?) (snicker) soldiers.
They have it all: Combat engineer skills (the quick log removal), marksmanship (on target from less than 10 feet), tactical teamwork (bowling pin-like falling down), and in addition…the colonel’s magnificent grenade skills.
I rest my case!
Hack Blowfist/Punch Rockgroin/ Gristle McThornbody etc.. from “Space Mutiny.” All power is channelled through screaming. Space Chief is up there, too, since he blew up the Hitler building. Lee Van Cleef in the Master Ninja series, because he is an occidental ninja (versus Tim Van Patten who is an accidental ninja, ba-da-bing.) Neil Connery in “Double 007 (0049?),” although not as tough as Sean.
For toughest women, wow…the nuns from “Girl’s Town” because, well, they’re nuns (if you went to Catholic School, you understand.) Kathy Ireland in “Alien from L.A.” for conquering her fears and taking off her glasses. Any of the “Racket Girls” I think qualify as tough.
I second the nomination for Beverly Garland in Gunslinger.
Seriously? How could you choose anyone but ZAP ROWSDOWER! (Or is it spelt Zapp?) Unless of course you’re choosing Chuck Steakflank.
Winky. How do you think he got such an impressive little black book? By being a decptively tough barroom brawler, coming to the aid of many women in distressful situations.
exactly, Zap Rowsdower, but I cAN’T believe anyone hasn’t mentioned that guy from Space Mutiny.
What about the girl from Teenage Crimewave.
Toughest guy? Bruce, the sneering gym proprietor from Daddy-O. Give him Lasik surgery to free him from worry about his glasses and Bruce would be invincible.
Toughest gal? Paula Parkins of The Violent Years tries hard but really she’s too dumb and pampered to win this contest. She’s better suited to be the unpredictable and trigger-happy sidekick to the real leader. I can see either Marshal Rose Hood from The Gunslinger or Rosalba Neri’s understated character from Castle of Fu Manchu in that role.
There can be only one, Banjo! Thick as a brick, dumb as a hammer and likes shotguns. No hypodermic for him.
I don’t believe it. He hit Big Jake!
Actually, I’d like to nominate Michael Pataki as J.C. in Sidehackers, but I hesitate a little because he goes from maniacal heavy to manipulative weasel pretty quick.
I’ll second Vadinho from “Pumaman”, you know, the real hero.
I’ll also nominate The Runaway from “Future War”. He’s so tough his shirts take themselves off! :X-P:
I like the idea of a bracket competition, hope someone
does it.
Tough gal: has to be Beverly Garland in Gunslinger.
Also in competition for hottest. :inlove:
Oh, and for a guy (ignoring Biff Slabsteak)
how about the J C. Van Darne wannabee in Future War?
Babs from Horror of Spider Island, she played linebacker!
Vadinho, probably, and I have to give some props to Rowsdower.
Also, the “Guy with a toy monkey on the run” from Merlin was pretty tough too ;-)
How could I have forgotten babs and her fellow dancers!
Yep. A tie with Beverly. Hmmm. Now there’s a thought. :-D
Well, to me it’s a tie between the brutal consciousless murdering spree of “The Brute Man” and the high-style revenge killings of the gigantic Eddie Van Halen looking zombie guy in “Zombie Nightmare.”
I love Bev and agree she is feisty. If we’re talking a street fight, I have to go with Clara Mortenson (?) from Racket Girls.
Male tough guy I’ll go with Geranimo from Final Justice. He killed more people than the bad guys and beat up on witnesses!?
It’s too bad we’re talking just humans in movies here. Otherwise the clear winner would be Mr. B Natural. It would dance all over the competition, and its androgyny allows it to take the title for both genders. But the fact that it’s in a short, and arguably inhuman, disqualifies it…
So I’m going to have bring to your attention one Ken, from Fugitive Alien. Brought up as a Star Wolf on Valna Star, he developed strength and fighting techniques well beyond those available to mortal humans. But at the end, we find out he IS a human. So he qualifies, and is trained to kill. :P
Gal: Miss Tom Boerwinkle from Red Zone Cuba She tossed that skinny guy all over the tarmac at that dance.
Guy: It’s really tough to go against Buff Drinklots.
Beef Hardpeck would be a contender, until you enforced the “no shooting people in the groin” rule.
For the girls, I’ll go with what’s-her-name from Cave Dwellers. Mainly because she’s just fun to look at.
All the people saying the guy from Space Mutiny really need to get out and see a couple of other episodes – he was *not* tough, and was pretty ineffectual.
My vote goes to Gloria from The Sinister Urge, who could kill four stout men with her voice alone.
I can’t quite bring myself to vote for her as toughest, but I also like Rita from Racket Girls – As she says, you can’t take advantage of her just because she is Mexican! In wrestling, it takes hard work to get there and guts to stay there.
(I seem to be stuck on women with odd voices.)
Cymbalfist from Jack Frost.
He can throw cudgels into orbit, beat the hell out of vicious trees, and take on an entire group of bandits with cymbal sound effects.
He’s a great understander too.
Many excellent choices for toughest guy and gal. But, if it were going to be a doubles competition, I would nominate the Heinz and Not-A-Woman dance team from TISCWSLABMUZ. Not even Crud Bonemeal and Grandma-Daughter from Space Mutiny could stand up against their flying scissor kick and the ice auger maneuvers. ‘Course there are those lingering questions about the dancers’ genders, but I’m sure it’d turn out that at least one of them is a woman.
I have to go with Ken from the Fugitive Alien movies. Rocky TRIIIIEED TO KILL HIM WITH A FORKLIFT (Ole!) but was unsuccessful. I’d say that anyone that can fend off a crazed maniac with a forklift is a true tough guy.
Take it one step further, an all-MST3k character Wrestlemania
World Championship: Torgo versus Ortega
Tor Johnson versus Joe Don Baker
Indestructable Man versus Amazing Colossal Man
World Tag Team Championship: Rowsdower and Troy (w/Troy’s Aunt) versus Paper Chase Guy and Jimmy Carter Guy (w/Persus Kimbatta)
Special Alley Fight: Tony Travis versus Moon
Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Mikey, Max Keller, Crenshaw, Diabolik, Dropo, The Young One and Ator
Six-woman elimination match for the Diva’s Title: Iris, Silver Morgan, Tia Carrere’s character, Eva Kant, Jessica and Peaches Page
Christmas tag team match: The two Santas (w/Lupita) versus Pitch and Voldar (w/Gimar)
Hair versus Hair match (loser must get a real haircut): Puma Man versus Tony Cardoza
Gloria from THE SINISTER URGE..Beverly Garland in IT CONQUERED THE WORLD and GUNSLINGER.
#41 “Be careful.The Fuhrer is watching!” This is a good topic. Maybe next week we can do least threatening heroes. I call Pumaman!
I don’t have time to go through a whole March Madness type bracket here, but I’m going to suggest two matchups here
Joe Don Baker (Mitchell) vs. Joe Don Baker (Final Justice)
and
the all female vigilantes in Angels Revenge vs. the female gang in The Violent Years
Everyone has forgotten the toughest of toughs and the biggest badass, and I know he’s not human, but it is obvious the biggest and baddest of them all is GODZILLA! :skeleton:
Ed Wood could take any of the tough gals (as long as he’s fighting for an angora sweater)> :evilgrin:
Peaches Paige from RACKET GIRLS, who could probably crush men’s heads between her breasts.
Um… Guys? Guys? Back to me, please.
I’d nominate Tor as Lobo if I were completely certain he was human. Not Lobo, Tor.
Of course, this just demands a follow-up topic about which MST3K monster is the toughest of them all. Godzilla vs. Gamera, who will prevail?
Anyway, I’m quite tempted to put together some absurdly elaborate tournament of MTS3K tough guys and gals, but until then there’s no defeating El Santo or that big lady who dances with the super-skinny guy in Sky Divers.