Short: (1951) Young Nick hopes to ask schoolmate Kay for a date, but can’t think of a venue.
Movie: (1956) Four women (including one undercover cop) break out of prison, with a plan to recover a cache of stolen diamonds.
First shown: 7/31/93
Opening: Crow and Tom are obsessed with the ‘Spock in love’ episode of “Star Trek”
Invention exchange: The Mads present the U-view, J&tB demonstrate the Andrew Lloyd Webber grill
Host segment 1: Tom has decided that he wants to date Gypsy
Host segment 2: Tom calls Gypsy to ask for a date
Host segment 3: Tom and Gypsy go out on a date, briefly
End: Tom thought the date went well, Gypsy dumps him, Joel reads a letter that upsets Tom, Frank is still watching himself
Stinger: “Ssssssssshut up!”
(142 votes, average: 4.18 out of 5)
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• This is one of those episodes where the short pretty much overwhelms the movie that follows it. The same thing happened with “War of the Colossal Beast,” which was almost completely swamped by “Mr. B.” The short is just so precious and silly, and the movie is so slight and ephemeral (despite some very good riffing) that tail wags the dog, as it were.
• This episode appeared on Rhino’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Vol. 10” (and 10.2).
• Callback: Shut up, Iris! (The Beatniks); “To be like the Cor-Man…” (Robot Monster)
• Watch carefully during the “U-View” bit: Both Frank and Dr. F reach about six feet to take things from each other. A great blink-and-you-missed-it, unremarked-upon sight gag.
• We spend that entire invention exchange looking at the back of an old-style CRT TV, dating the whole sketch.
• The ST:TOS episode Joel calls “the Elias Sandoval episode” (and which we refer to in our episode guide as the “Spock in Love” episode) was in fact called “This Side of Paradise.” I’m not going back, Jim!
• Mike “Touch” Connors was born Kreker Ohanian. So “Touch” doesn’t sound so bad after all.
• Naughty riff: “Beverly can handle a Johnson, can’t she?”
• The “Baywatch” bit during the “U-View” invention exchange is kind of an expansion of a throw-away gag Tom Servo did in the previous episode: “Don’t get drunk and swim under the dock.” Doodly-doodly-doodly… “I’m drunk and swimming under the dock!”
• The previous time around, I asked if anybody could identify the guitar Joel is playing in segment 1. A couple of people told me it was a copy of a Stratocaster, probably a Yamaha. The song he was singing was Neil Young’s “Old Man.”
• Gypsy seems a little grumpy in this one. She’s usually more easy-going.
• Then-current reference: “The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag” (1992).
• I remember being bothered, the first time I saw this, about the “cutting off the legs of the pants” scene. I thought–“They’re in a mosquito/tick-infested swamp and they want to expose MORE skin?? Are they crazy??” Then I saw them in shorts and I forgot about all that… :grin:
• Let’s keep in mind: a snake was shot and killed — on camera — in the making of this movie.
• When BBI cleared out of the studio after the show was cancelled, they held an auction designed, mostly, to sell off office furniture and the like. But Barb says there was a bit of confusion that day, and among the things offered for bid were boxes of video tapes, most of which had unedited rough footage of host segments (sometimes three or four or five takes of the same segment, so you can see them trying different line readings) and a few aborted theater sequences where they got started and then stopped for some reason. One of the tapes included some stuff from this episode. BBI was a little embarrassed that these tapes made it into circulation. A lot of it was recovered, but some stuff has been copied and shared a bit.
• Check out this list of Touch’s other possible names from Ward E.
• Cast and crew wrapup: Director Roger Corman also gave us “It Conquered the World,” “Teenage Caveman,” “Viking Women,” “Gunslinger,” “The Undead” and was executive producer on “Attack of the Giant Leeches,” “High School Big Shot” and “Night of the Blood Beast.” Cinematographer Frederick West also worked on “It Conquered the World,” “Gunslinger” and “The She-Creature.” Editor Ronald Sinclair also worked on “Viking Women,” “The Sea Creature,” “The Amazing Colossal Man,” “Earth vs. the Spider” and “War of the Colossal Beast.” Makeup person Carlie Taylor also worked on “Daddy-O.” Production manager Bartlett Carre was production supervisor on “The She Creature.”
In front of the camera, Beverly was, of course, also in “It Conquered the World” and “Gunslinger.” Lou Place was more often behind the camera: he directed “Daddy-O,” was assistant director on “The Undead” production manager on “It Conquered the World and “Agent for H.A.R.M.” Jonathan Haze was in “It Conquered the World,” “Teenage Caveman,” “Viking Women” and “Gunslinger”. Ed Nelson was in “Teenage Caveman, “Night of the Blood Beast,” “Riding with Death” and “Superdome.”
• CreditsWatch: Host segments directed by Joel Hodgson. And he’s not in the credits, but that’s Mike doing the “Baywatch” voices, of course.
• Fave riff from the short: “Kay has worked on the kill floor. She knows where to deliver the blow.” Honorable mention: “The sensuous pagan ritual begins.”
• Fave riff from the movie: “Let’s just stand here and jut some more.” Honorable mention: “As we left the clam flowage that day…”
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It was impossible to follow a flawless classic like “Hercules” (or even “Warrior of the Lost World,” as it were) and not come off as anything other than a mediocre episode. That being said, “What To Do On A Date” is easily one of the funniest shorts they did.
This was one of the first episodes I saw and “What To Do On a Date” was pure magic. The movie wasn’t so much, but when J&TB started suggesting other names for Touch Connors, I knew I was in the presence of greatness.
When I was watching this again last night, I noticed something. Does anyone else agree that Beverly Garland is excellent in this movie? I mean full-in-character great.
Oh, and can anyone tell me what the heck “clam flowage” is?
Read my full review here.
Sampo – I think Gyspy :wink: needs to be grumpy. It makes her attempted shoot-down of Tom all the more hilarious! Also, I think the Brains knew the short was WAY better than the movie and that’s why ALL of the host segments are based on it.
My review is here.
No mention of that weird hand effect during the “U-View”? (Clay’s hand reaching all the way over to Frank, etc.) When I saw that, I thought it was totally bizarre, and wondered how (or why) they came up with it.
I agree that the short is better than the movie (“No, you can’t inject puberty, it has to happen over time.” “Boy, this is fun, what with the used lamps and festoonery.”) However, I always appreciate gags like “Lucy and Viv in the big house.” They also make the most of when Touch’s girlfriend is drowning in what’s supposed to be a swamp but looks like a swimming pool.
My thoughts about this one:
-The short is pretty funny (try asking a girl out to a weenie roast sometime…).
-All the riffs about alternate names for “Touch” is a sort of prototype for the name game in SPACE MUTANY (Big McLargehuge).
-I think this is the closest the Brains ever came to doing a Women-in-prison (WIP) film. It’s a pretty large genre with-in the cult film world (Corman produced several of them), but I think MST was trying to avoid looking mysogynist.
-Canoeing in the swamp was is not high on my “What to do on a date” list.
-Beverly & co. are pretty hot.
Sampo – the guitar is some sort of Yamaha knock off of a Stratocaster. I can’t make out the specific model, though.
My fav. riff: “Peace on Earth was all it saaaaid!”
Am I the only one that gets upset when Beverly Garland dies in this film?
I love the woman who dies in a swimming pool, instead of a lake.
I was so glad when this came out on dvd, as my vhs copy got cut off shortly after the third host segment. “I need to know what NOT to do on a date!”
I have to agree that the short is much better than the actual movie on this one. Actually, the thing I remember most from the movie is the dark and moody title sequence.
Oh, and Joel does a pretty good Shatner. (“DOESsheKNOWwhatshe’sGETTING, SPOCK?”)
Kenneth #8 – Yes! The title sequence was actually pretty artsy (in a good way), just like the one for #511 Gunslinger.
Has anyone ever seen the “Rough Cut” of this episode? VERY eye-opening. In fact, I felt like I was more a part of the show than I felt during “Scrapbook”, and that’s saying something!
The short is very good, but I actually liked Swamp Diamonds better, but that could be due to the fact that I carry a strong torch for Beverly Garland, I stayed in her Holiday Inn once…
1. Wasn’t the young woman in the short played by the same actress in the “Are You Ready For Marriage?” short with Racket Girls? “We like popular music!”
2. Does anyone remember the Mary Tyler Moore episode with Beverly Garland? She played an old flame of Lou’s who asks him for money and he dumps a chocolate sundae on her head.
I’m glad someone else mentioned that weird hand/arm effect during the U-View, which I also found weird and oddly distracting. Who IS sitting behind the TV doing the arm motions and why? WHY, DAMN IT, I NEED TO KNOW! :)
I love this episode. Great host segments, great short, and Corman tastiness.
But I’ve got a Forever Plaid audition!
underwoc and Brandon: Yes, all the escapees are pretty hot, and yes Beverly is the female Gene Hackman–she’s good in anything. In this, she totally commits to the paper-thin character that was written for her.
Fun short, but kind of a boring film. I think Swamp Diamonds warns us what kind of movie it is early on when the opening sequences manage to make Mardi Gras in New Orleans look bleak and dispirited.
I love the “long arm” gag, too. It’s so matter-of-fact and seamless, I saw this episode once or twice before I realized, “Hey…!”
I wonder how it happened. Did they come up with the gag, and build the shot around it, or did they have the shot they wanted to do, and then think, “But their arms would have to be about twice as long… hmm…”?
As mentioned in the ACEG, “I’m not going back, Jim” was never spoken in “This Side of Paradise.” Mary Jo wrote that the staff was quite stunned they misquoted (when they viewed the episode after shooting Swamp Diamonds).
This is another of the first couple episodes I watched and so I’ve stayed quite happy with it. I think the movie is a pretty solid production, at least in the riffed form, with a bit of sluggishness around the second half of the third theater segment when the movie seems stuck in the swamp and there’s no sign of ever getting out. The riffing of the Mardis Blah Parade stands out for me (“The Banana Splits have not aged well” “The king commends you to get me another drink!”), although there’s no shortage of high points later on (“The Kids In The Hall escape from jail!” “Hey, Roger’s getting footage for another movie!”).
Still, the short really does shine far above it. “Hooray, our luggage is here! Whoopee!”
I realize it’s silly to sulk about the plot of a Roger Corman padding experiment, but here goes: so, the State captured and executed the gang that carried out a hefty jewel heist, and they want the jewels recovered, which seems nice of them. So the plan is to sneak an undercover police woman into the jail cell with the girlfriends of the gang, and then let the girlfriends break out of jail on the assumption they’ll dig up the diamonds. Is this really sound detective work? And did the Attorney General’s office provide any comment about whether this might be legally sane? Or did they just figure that all the `escaped’ convicts would be “killed while resisting arrest” and trust there’d be no aftermath?
I also thought the “long arm” was a hilarious sight gag, made all the more funny because they don’t call attention to it.
To me, Gypsy doesn’t just seem cranky over the phone, it’s almost like she’s a different person. She seems more communicative and coherent (other than not knowing who Tom is). Despite that, it’s still one of my favorite Gypsy episodes.
There’s a goof in the final host segment. Watch the lights behind Joel right before it cuts to Frank watching the U-view. The yellow “commercial sign” light comes on for a few seconds, then they switch to the correct red light.
Did young men in 1951, on seeing the short, believe that swim meets would be a fun choice for a date? Did a young woman, upon being taken to a swim meet, agree to a second date, or did she dump the cheap SOB?
“This is like having your mom tell you about sex.”
Asking a girl to a weenie roast is an American high school tradition, like wedgies, swirlies and the double jock lock.
Randy
Gypsy’s response to Tom… “But we leave when I SAY…” Makes me laugh every time I hear it.
GizmonicTemp, on “clam flowage”, from the ACEG:
“This is not from anything, but rather suggestive of those achingly depressing fishing shows that pullulate on Sunday morning television.”
As for what clam flowage actually is, it’s a lake in Wisconsin.
As to the episode, I enjoyed this one. The short is classic,from Nick’s goofy voice to Crow’s “Had this been an actual date, you would have been told where to go”. The film, what can I say? Corman+Garland+swamp= an enjoyable time. The host segments, admittedly, could have been condensed, but it was great to see Baywatch taken down a peg. Not until their Love, American Style parody would such hard hitting and controversial satire be seen.
I think my favorite part of the movie is the peanut gallery’s emphatic minute-long power-vomiting noises during the long pan of the swamp. It’s puerile, but they put so much INTO the noises I can’t not laugh.
(Am I the only one who finds the Herc episodes dull and the riffing on them pretty lackluster?)
Does anybody else get a Violent Years vibe while watching the movie?
i am a somewhat guitar afficiando (ok, maybe more of a wannabe since i cant come up with this one) but from what i can tell, its clearly a strat copy, and from what i can see of the logo on the headstock possibly a peavey. and judging by the color, being all black, its probably from the mid to late 80s. thats my best guess…
I give the episode a strong 4.0 because of the short and the Star trek opening.
Swamp Diamonds wasn’t riffed bad, but there were no real knock out punches. That said, I never felt that there were any lulls or dull stretches either.
The short is one of my all-time favorites. the riffing was excellent and aplenty. There were more killer riffs in the short than in the movie.
Favorite riff from the short was “Wheres my racket?” (I should spank myself.)
Favorite riff from Swamp Diamonds was in several places where that girl would start out talking fast like an auctioneer and the gang mocked her each time. That always brings a chuckle.
I disagree with Sampo about War of the Colossal Beast being so much lesser than Mr. B Natural.
I love ‘Beast’. Its one of the funniest riffed movies of that season in my book. It was way better than the first Colossal Man, and the Mike Nelson appearance as Glen rocked.
I feel that Mr. B Natural is way over-rated.
It’s very good, but there are shorts I like alot better. Give me ‘Days of Our Years’ anyday over Mr. B.
(I should also say that ‘What to do on a Date’ is funnier to me than ‘Mr. B Natural’.)
The short ,as has been ‘touch”ed on endlessly, is far superior to the film. “With every dial he comes closer to the most embarassing moment of his life”. “What if she says no?, She will!!” I’m laughing just thinking about it. Joel and the Bots did what they could with the film, but the short is certainly one of the 3 to 5 best ever.
You know, Joseph Nebus, makes an excellent point about the legalities of “allowing” convicted criminals escape. I believe a sequel to Swamp Diamonds would have to include the lawsuits involving the deaths of the boat owner and the swamp-pool drowning of the hero’s girlfriend.
Actually, I liked the movie, or at least the riffing (the movies are all supposed to be bad aren’t they?).
Favorite riffs:
“Pope Ed Asner! ‘Let me kiss your ring, Lou!'”
“Look! It’s Fred Mertz in ‘Gigi””
Loved the short, too.
I have to agree here. It’s all about the short, one of the best ones they did. My favorite riffs are early on when the two boys go into one of their houses and the boy make the call to Kay. Every riff is dead on in that scene.
The film falls flat for me. There is the occasional great riff, particulary during the drowning scene and the up in a dream scene. Corman, as bad as he is, just doesn’t make for great eps (I showed Teenage Caveman to my girlfriend the other night and had to switch eps because she was so bored by the movie). I’m not sure what it is. It’s not just the leaden pacing, the “staged” shots, the padded padding…Maybe I’ll figure it out someday.
And Beverly Garland does nothing for me. Boring.
An ep saved from being in my bottom 5 by the short.
C
And there has been a lot of talk about the shorts of the 50’s. Actually, when I watch them, I find a lot of the advice and values expressed–the intentions of the films rather the execution–to be admirable. The world would be a better place if people respected and treated each other the way these films teach (and knew how to be gentleman and ladies on a date, too!) Kay and her boy are portrayed as clods but he doesn’t treat her disrespectfully and she isn’t just out to get a free dinner with someone she doesn’t care about. One of the reasons there’s such a war between the sexes these days is because there are less proscribed rules of decent behavior. Everybody just acts as stupid and mean as they want to be. That’s freedom! Thank you, 60’s.
The fact is the 50’s was not the kind of world you see in this film (the short). Hence the need for this kind of film. But we are even further away from it now.
Oops, I stepped up onto my soapbox.
There are a few riffs, over the course of the entire series, that I die laughing, no matter how many times I’ve heard them. This ep. contains two; the aforemention vomiting noises (Kevin and Trace are both really good at it) and the immortal “Sploot” Conners. Kills me every time.
Oh, this is one of my favorites.
I like the movie better than most people here do. It’s like an extended version of that scene from The Violent Years, played over and over again.
And the short is one of the all-time greats, of course. (It was a good idea, double-dating with Jeff and Phyllis…but mostly Jeff.)
To underwoc at #6:
I’m sorry, but this is one of my pet peeves. If the funny names for “Touch” are a prelude to anything, it’s “12 to the Moon” a few episodes from this one, where they do EXACTLY THE SAME ROUTINE as the one in Space Mutiny, but the people who’ve only seen the Sci-Fi episodes go on and on about the funny names in Space Mutiny as if it was the first time they did it.
There, I’ve had my rant, and my meds are kicking in now..I’ll be all right. Sorry for the outburst.
Back to the point…I think this is a really good episode.
That one scene where that chick dumps the diamonds on her and exclaims, “it’s raining diamonds!!” is hands down the stupidest move I’ve ever seen a mst3k movie character make.
I’m very disappointed by alot of the MSTies reviews of this episode. I think its one of Season 5’s best, both for the short and movie. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen clips of the “What to do one a Date” short on other medians – it was used on an episode of “Mad About You”, for example – while “Swamp Diamonds” is well riffed, and the hot ladies (particularly Beverly Garland) helped keep my attention to the movie itself.
I agree that Gypsy seems out of place in her treatment of Tom during the host segments. I know it was meant for comic reasons, but if she had continued such behavior I might not like her so much. In this case, though, it fits well.
Fav riff: “While these women sleep, a pasty film is being made.” I also enjoyed the endless alternate names for Mike “Touch” Conners. “Jab? Wink? Flick?” I wish I could remember them all!
All in all, this was a minor masterpiece in my eyes. Now on to “Secret Agent…Super Dragon!”
I loved both the short and the film. Beverley Garland is ten kinds of awesome in this flick!
I have to say, as a female, I completely understood Gypsy acting kind of “mean” to Tom. I think they perfectly captured that terse vibe that says, “I can’t act friendly to this guy asking me out, or he’ll read more into it than is really there.” Sadly, Tom still misreads her level of interest. cough typical guy cough :smile:
I found that having Gypsy talking over the phone from off-screen revealed the weakness of the premise. Without seeing the puppet on screen it was much harder to accept her as anything other than a man speaking falsetto.
fishbulb – A fair point about 12 TO THE MOON. That’s one of the episodes I never mangaged to capture in my collection, and if I’ve ever seen it, I don’t recall. But either way, this seems to be the prototype of the gag.
This one was another good episode. This was my first exposure to Beverly Garland, having missed her previous episodes.
Fave riff: “Beverly Garland’s bra! I have seen the promised land!”
I would agree that this is a episode where the short was the main focus, because that’s where all the host segments after the invention exchange came from.
Also loved all the names for “Touch” Connors. I wonder why he used that name for his handle before Mike.
I thought that Tom got upset too soon over all of Crow’s questions about “The Gun In Betty Lou’s Handbag.” It also seemed a bit silly; I mean, did anyone explain why Tom got all upset?
I don’t blame Gypsy for being grumpy, after all, she had to go out with Tom when she clearly liked Crow better. This is put in perspective later in the season when Tom gives Gypsy the candy cane of lingerie in Santa Claus and she gets all embarrased.
I love this episode.I usualy end up watching it when i need soem white noise but its so funny.
Fav short riff-OO this is fun what with the used lamps and teh festoonery.honorable mention goes to”Hey guys whats a weenie roast”
Fav movie riff-i love it when crow goes”Yes beverly go get her.its just the tone of his vice i think.but my fave riff,well i have several-As we leftthe clam flowage that day..,Yea beverly go get her.i also loce the riffs when it shows her in the swimming pool lol.
and here is what i have contemplated about the arm gag.because i literaly thought about this for a good week.I think its mike sitting on the couch,with his feet on the couch.Because i didnt catch it at first/and mike might also be simultaneously doing the baywatch voice.
geez am i a freak for actualy perplexing over a host segment :???:
lol.
Smile.god loves you
The Letter Reading isn’t something I usually pay much attention to except this one actually fit with the theme of the host segments. In fact, I’ve often wondered if the Brains did accept the invitation. A MST3K-themed wedding would certainly be entertaining.
We agree again, Sampo. This is yet another example of a strong short overwhelming a weak movie. The Brains give it their best as always but they just can’t seem to breath much life into this one.
BTW…The girl who plays Kay in the short is definitely NOT the same actress who “likes popular songs”, but “doesn’t like to hear about engineering” in “Are You Ready For Marriage”. Actually, side by side, they don’t even look remotely alike. And this I know….one thing’s obvious…in a no-holds-barred fist fight between the two, I’d definitely put ALL my money on Kay….by a knockout! She looks like she could easily whoop the poodle skirt off of the future “Mrs. Larry” with one hand tied behind her…and then go out and plow the fields till sundown. Quite a healthy lass, there…good stock!
I need to know “What not to do on a Date!”
My fave Crow line
• I’m glad Joel didn’t incinerate it during the invention exchange, because Rice/Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar is my favorite rock-opera (the 1969 studio version w/ Ian Gillan @ Jesus and Murray Head @ Judas – the 70s film version is inferior, IMHO). But other than that , Andrew Lloyd Webber can burn in hell.
• Mannix’s New Orleans girlfriend, a redhead in a tight sweater, seems hot (“…at first!”) but becomes dead weight when “Touch” meets a pack of Real Womyn. Then a gator gets her in a pool. So long, Busty Gold-Digger!
• But seriously, the grrl he finally falls for looks like Corey Feldman (though with nice legs and a good undercover-cop heart). When the girl-gang cut their own Daisy Dukes the film finally takes shape (a la Manos – “I’m guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made”)…as Sampo #15 said, “they’re in a mosquito/tick-infested swamp and they want to expose MORE skin?? Are they crazy?? Then I saw them in shorts and I forgot about all that…”
• Despite the T&A and almost scenic Louisiana swamps, this is a dreary film. Typical 50’s Corman junk. Where is the multi-colored magic of his 60’s Poe films (Too early?)
• Spock never said “I’m not going back, Jim!” right? The Brains misquoted:–hell, they even misquoted themselves–Valeria never said “You and your daughter are doomed” nor did Reagan say “The driver was dead or he was missing.” The Brains referenced and revised themselves numerous times.
•Then-current reference: “The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag” (1992) Huh? I never heard of it until now.
• festoonery – good word, thanks MST
• #6 <>— this has happened a few times in MST-dom — the “coolest” character is offed, just as the viewer is identifying most with him/her. For instance, the “hippie” girl in Pod People who falls to her death in the woods fleeing from egg-poachers — no, that’s a bad example. How about when the Grimault warrior/Prince from Viking Women and the Sea Serpent who gets struck by lightning during an attempted human sacrifice. (Hmm. I may need to re-think this analogy.) OK, hows about in 419 – The Rebel Set when they kill off both the Gila Monster “I sing whenever I sing” guy and the “I’m the William H. Macy of my time” tortured writer-guy and we’re left with the Get Smart boss and the Rock Hudson wanna-be running around the train tracks for fifteen minutes. Uhh, maybe someone else can cite better examples…
It should be pointed out that since this topic was posted, Beverly Garland has passed away.
This is a strange one for me. I don’t watch it all that often. I was looking forward to getting it out again. But when I did watch it I remember that it is really only so-so for me.
As good as the U-View sounds as an invention, the Mads just don’t sell this one as well as they typically would. But I do like the Elvis Costello bit. However it is odd hearing that and knowing Josh has had nothing to do with the show for 4 years.
Favorite Riffs:
Joel to the tune of Kiss’ Black Diamond “Oo Oo Swamp Diamonds.”
Joel “Oh Roger Corman, this is going to go down hard guys.”
During back gun sound effects: Joel “Sounds like a foley artist is chasing us. Let’s hit it.”
Crow “Get over here, we just want to kill you for a minute.”
As the camera pans aimlessly, Joel: “Hey Roger’s getting footage for another movie.”
During a wrestling scene: Crow “You usually find this kind of thing on pay-per-view”
Mike Conners got knocked out by a girl? – more like no touch Conners.
I like this episode. Alway fun watching the convict women in tight shorts!