In episode order:
• 310- FUGITIVE ALIEN/ 318- STAR FORCE – FUGITIVE ALIEN II–Starwolf: Full of self-loathing and self-doubt, he is ultimately useless in virtually every challenge he faces, but then the Bacchus 3 crew set the bar pretty low…
• 408- HERCULES UNCHAINED–Herc, of course: Let’s face it, he spends a good deal of the movie asleep.
• 422- THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE–Lemminkainen: o/` He’s a failure, la-la-lah…o/`
• 501- WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD–Paper Chase Guy: As discussed this week, a whiny incompetent.
• 512- MITCHELL–Mitchell!: “Our hero, ladies and gentlemen…” Sleeps with hookers and drinks with his toes, the ultimate lame hero.
• 704- THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN–DOCTOR TED NELSON!: Repeatedly drops the ball throughout his entire investigation.
• 808- THE SHE CREATURE–Lance Fuller: Dead-eyed and comotose, the hero that just sort of stands there.
• 816- PRINCE OF SPACE/ INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN–yes, I know Prince of Space and Space Chief are technically different characters, but really we’re talking about the same archetype, and while our weapons are useless against them, lameness surrounds them.
• 910- THE FINAL SACRIFICE–Rowsdower. Nuff said.
• 1006- BOGGY CREEK II–Charles Pierce: He plays a smug, self-righteous callous jerk–and he wrote the movie!
How about yours?
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Weekend Discussion Thread: Lamest Heroes in a MSTed MovieSorry for the late start. Our topic this week is: Lame heroes in MSTed movies. There are, of course, so many of these to choose from, getting your list down to ten will be tough. Show your work.
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I want to say David Ryder from “Space Mutiny(09?)”, but Trash from “Escape 2000″(0705) has my vote.
How could you not have a list of lame heroes without Puma Man (903)? Goofy costume bought out of the Wards catalog, “he flies like a moron”, and the sidekick does all the work.
Batwoman (Wild World of Batwoman, 515) also pretty lame, though she didn’t have much competition from Ratfink…
Let’s not forget one Cal Meacham. Saves the day by rescuing the girl AFTER the monster has already died.
“Thank god I saved you.”
How dare you speak ill of Rowsdower?
How about the Waffling Knight from “The Undead”?
Does Mike from “Manos” count as a hero?
I’ll also add the guy who isn’t Sinbad from “The Magic Voyage of Sinbad”. He constantly screws things up, destroys the town’s economy, then goes off on his voyage only to miserably fail and come up with that happiness crap. And he constantly has to get bailed out by the underwater girl.
No mention of the guy from Time Chasers who Crow refuses to believe is the hero? For shame.
How about Robert Dornan’s character from #612-The Starfighters? I think the director wanted us to look at him positively, but he doesn’t do anything, which is particularly bad seeing as how nothing happens in that movie anyway!
It HAS to be Cabot from “Outlaw”. Watch the movie again. He doesn’t do ANYTHING! Sure, he beats up on some gladiators, but it’s the Hunter that kills the evil queen.
Oh, wow, so many.
In no particular order:
1. Sheriff Geronimo from Final Justice. Can there be someone worse than Mitchell? Yes. As Crow put it, “Out hero, a murderous oaf who threatens women with coat hangers.”
2. Kevin from Hobgoblins. A whiny hero who drives a purple Trans Am and gets bested in a garden tool fight.
3. Leonardo da Vinci from Quest of the Delta Knights. Okay, so this guy who, as history tells us, was a genius, is portrayed as moron in this movie. Apparently one can be a Delta Knight and complete jackass all at the same time.
4. Deathstalker from, well, Deathstalker. Oh man, he truly is an unappealing character. I think it’s why I was actually rooting Troxartis.
5. Cabot! from Outlaw. The bounty hunter in the movie was a lot cooler than Cabot and he’s the one who actually kills the evil queen. Plus, Cabot doesn’t keep very good company, what with his friend who betrayed him. He was also stupid enough to strike an incriminating pose with that dagger after the king was murdered.
6. Rommel from Sidehackers. Even Joel and bots saw the flaw in Rommel’s “no guns” policy when he was planning to go up against J.C. Plus Rommel was kind of stupid being so trusting with an unstable fellow like J.C.
7. John Agar in The Mole People. This could actually work for Revenge of the Creature too. Smug, arrogant, strangely shaped face? He’s got it all.
8. Paper Chase Guy from Warrior of the Lost World. I didn’t want to list someone that was already mentioned, as it’s hard not to agree with any of these, but I had to say it again. He’s lame as a hero and as an anti-hero. Was his selfish act of leaving the V-ger lady to the villains as he ran supposed to make him appealing in a flawed kind of way? Plus those puffy cheeks were too funny.
9. The scientist from The Dead Talk Back. After all of that pseudo-scientific nonsense about talking to the dead he’s just an illusionist.
10. Aram Fingal from Overdrawn at the Memory Bank. “There’s still lots to do!” (taps a small keypad for a few seconds) :lol:
It HAS to be Cabot from “Outlaw”. Watch the movie again. He doesn’t do ANYTHING! Sure, he beats up on some gladiators, but it’s the Hunter that kills the evil queen.
1. Mike (MANOS) – He can whine pretty good, but goes down pretty fast when Torgo waves a stick at him.
2. The school teacher (ANGEL’S REVENGE) – fighting evil with her impeccable Olyve Oyl impression.
3. Any one of our heroines (THE WILD WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN) – what is up with that horseshoe?
4. Johnny (ROBOT MONSTER) – but I probably shouldn’t pick on kids.
5. Santa (SANTA CLAUSE CONQUERS THE MARTIANS) – only because I can’t consider Droppo a “hero.”
No Puma Man? Hello?
I third the vote for Puma Man
PUMA MAN!
Samson (of 624- SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN).
Basically, coincidence and the villian’s poor prioritizing did all the work for our hero.
Lee Majors & Chris Makepeace (K20 – THE LAST CHASE). Lee’s character was a perfect rep for 80’s excesses, and need I say anything regarding Chris Makepeace. He makes David Schwimmer look like Kimbo Slice.
1)Samson SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN
2)Neil Connery OPERATION DOUBLE 007
3)Sam Casey RIDING WITH DEATH
4)Adam Chance AGENT FOR H.A.R.M.
Oh yeah. Puma Man’s up there alright.
“Hi. I’m Max Keller.”
Need I go on?
Richard Knight Jr. played by Timothy Donnelly in PARTS: The Clonus Horror: “Won’t you please help me find my other part?”
I guess she really was on top of ol’ smokey..
Might I mildly protest to the characterization of Mitchell as a lame hero? He may be personally unpleasant, but he does debunk Rich White Guy’s attempt to cover up how he killed a guy (that was the point of his breaking into the house and doing that weird thing laying on the floor), carries on the investigation of this murder after being ordered to busy-work nonsense on the drug dealer guy, eventually chases Rich White Guy out of the movie, stands up to several rather credible and safe attempts to buy him off, and kills both ends of the drug deal.
Mitchell isn’t someone I’d want to hang around with, and it really would have been better to arrest and prosecute rather than kill the three main bad guys in the movie, but he does doggedly pursue justice until it finally brings down the real evildoers. It’s not just his presence but his personality and choices that affect that outcome.
Don’t forget the whiny “Cabbage Patch Elvis” hero played by Arch Hall Jr.! He was hideous AND a wuss. Also his music was totally lame… …tequila…
Top Ten Ineffectual Heroes, hmm? Tough, tough… Here goes:
322 & 324: Master Ninja I and II: Max Keller. Timothy Van Patten’s sloppily mouths his lines, strokes gerbils, and makes odd non sequitor voice overs. Not a ninja. Run, Lee Van Cleef. Run away.
422: The Day The Earth Froze: Lemmankinan. He failed to bring back the Sampo! Sampo! We will die of starvation! Sampo!
508: Operation Double 007: Neil Connery. When you’ve got to use your brother’s fame to pump up your own movie, you’re in trouble. Also, he can only score chicks if he hypnotizes them. Sad, Neil, sad.
523: Village of the Giants: Tommy Kirk. He wears little shorts, and gads out of danger. Meanwhile, other people (notably, Jim Begg!) save the day.
620: Danger! Death Ray!: Bart Fargo. There are a lot of meandering, ineffectual super spies in MST movies, but I think Bart Fargo takes the cake. Sleazier than Super Dragon, and with a worse name than Diamond Head. He even beats out Adam Chance of HARM fame, who does nothing but wear yellow and ogle a baby woman. Plus, when your theme music is Watermelon Man, can you really sneak or spy anywhere with any sort of class?
624: Samson VS The Vampire Women: Samson. So, our hero roasts the entire sleeping vampire community. AKA The Silver Maskman Tatagliano.
703: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell: Deathstalker. An egotistical prick of a hero, who proceeds to show us every little bit of his body. Gross and wrong. Stop pushing your blankets on me, creep.
801 & 803: Revenge of the Creature / Mole People: John Agar. Who knows what his characters were named, they were John Agar: a horrible smiling dope of a man whose eyes are dead and lifeless. Shut up already, damn!
816 & 819: Prince of Space / Invasion of the Neptune Men: Prince of Space and Space Chief. One and the same. One does nothing but gad about and mock his chicken enemies, the other doesn’t even go into damn space. Entirely lame.
910: The Final Sacrifice: Zap Rowsdower. When you realize that the point of the movie isn’t to bring Troy to the real hero, or make Troy into the hero he’s supposed to be, and that Zap is, in fact, the hero, it’s time to go.
And, finally, of course:
512 & 1008: Mitchell / Final Justice: Mitchell and Sheriff Geronimo: Joe Don Baker should feel shame 24/7. One is a child-abusing, baby-oil using pig of a man, the other a mercilessly ignorant, law-breaking murderer who threatens women constantly. Bravo, Baker.
Honorable Mentions:
Lance Fuller from 808: The She Creature (stiff mumbler).
Ivanushka from 813: Jack Frost (Cruel and kind of a girl).
Pasty guy from 1012: Squirm (antiques, here I come!)
Some of you are bringing up the characters from 806: The Undead. This is wrong: there are no heroes. They are all terrible, stupid people.
Wow, so many to choose from! I’ll pick…hmmm…
*Puma Man from 903 Puma Man – As Crow elequently sings: “Puma Man / He flies like a moron…”
*Kevin from 907 Hobgoblins – He whines, he can’t fight, he’s a kiss up, and he wonders why his girlfriend won’t sleep with him. What a guy.
*Nick Miller from 821 Time Chasers – He manages to get himself and his friends killed at one point. Some hero.
*Tom from 506 Eegah! – Tom sings! He drives a dune buggy! He throws a rock! Why is he even in this movie? Oh yeah, he’s the director’s son…
*Lemminkainen from 422 The Day the Earth Froze – He destroyed the Sampo. The failure song is well-deserved.
*The Angels from 622 Angels’ Revenge – Let’s face it, folks. Anything they accomplished was due to dumb luck, their boobs, or a combination thereof.
*Jimmy from 509 I Accuse My Parents – Would half of this movie even happened had Jimmy not been so dense?
*Gamera in 304 Gamera vs. Barugon – Gamera spends most of the damn movie frozen at the bottom of the ocean. How is this even a Gamera movie?
*The Warrior from 501 Warrior of the Lost World – While I can sympathize with having cheeks full of gauze, having had my wisdom teeth out yesterday, I could probably do more than him…and I’m on vicodin.
*Mike from 523 The Village of the Giants – Come on, Genius did more of the work here, so why do we have to keep putting up with Mike’s inept plans?
Nicke from Time Chasers, Dathstalker from Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, and hey what about Big Stupid? Technically he’s the hero of the film but after he rescues Danny from the hooker, he lets his girlfriend get killed by Jack Elam. Way to protect her, Big!
I’m not sure Prince of Space & Space Chief ARE different characters. Could just be different localisations of the same guy, kind of like how both Colossus and Hercules are actually Machiste and Sinbad is actually Sadko.
Many possibilities here, but we can’t forget:
1) The big lunkheaded actor guy from “The Rebel Set” (I think he’s supposed to be the hero?)
b) The geeky scientist guy from Castleton State College in “Time Chasers”. If Macgyver and Nomar Garciaparra had a baby (with a little help from Richard Dreyfuss…)
III) Rowsdower!
You can’t beat Rowsdower. However, Kevin from “Hobgoblins” does have that great car…
“Paint my muscle car PRUNE color please!”
For a shorter list, I suggest thinking up a hero in any MST3K movie who wasn’t a total weenie. It’s a trick question. They’re ALL weenies.
Randy
Only one mention for Butt Ugly teen star arch hall Jr.?
I’ve got to give the golden turkey (and I’d know he’d want to have it) to Coleman Francis in Skydivers. While he was the pride of the military in Red Zone Cuba, he was still a criminal. But in Skydivers he taught me that killing suspicious people without any knowledge of who they are or what they might have done is perfectly legal, and even encouraged. He took down the bad guys when nobody else could and that, to me, justifies a hero. Of course, Petey Plane gets honorable mention for letting Coleman rake in the glory.
And second place goes to the lamest police officer known to police officers: Sgt. Doogie Howser (AKA Frank Sorrell [Dietz]) from Zombie Nightmare. As only a great hero can sit in his rec room with a glass of milk, solve those murder cases AND take down Adam West. A weenie hero amongst other weenies.
Finally the bronze and it’s cool, because he’s so mellow; Ben Murphy as Sam Casey in Riding with Death. Fighting bad guys has never been so groovy and lame. If you need proof look no further than the patented Ben Murphy “fade away jerk handshake.” Somehow, mellowness always triumphed over mean and unmellow. Keep it real Ben.
Just off the podium was Tim van Patton for being the biggest loser hero in a van (who wasn’t named Kim Milford) in Master Ninja. Who has a hamster as their pet sidekick? Really?
The dorky stiff from TIME CHASERS
Sheriff Geronimo from FINAL JUSTICE
The flying putz from PUMA MAN
The ineffectual dweeb from HOBGOBLINS
Zap Rowsdower
In no particular order:
* PUMA MAN!!!!
* Dave Ryder, and I’ll throw in Lea Jansen and her muu-muu wearing father from SPACE MUTINY as well. Fun fact: Did you know that Dave Ryder (Reb Brown) and Lea Jansen (Cisse Cameron) are married in real life? It’s true!
* Stan Kenyon, Susan, and that creepy dress wearing guy from ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES. Destroy the monsters so we can neck!
* The “heroes” from RED ZONE CUBA, who throw a man down a well for no reason at all.
* Nick Miller from TIME CHASERS. There were two of him and one died. Too bad the other one didn’t die too.
* Jodie from THE TOUCH OF SATAN, who sells his soul to the devil so he can get laid.
* Paul and Natalie from WEREWOLF. Diz iz obsullutely fussinating.
* Deathstalker from DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL. Can we say “smug bastard”, boys and girls?
* Billy from LASERBLAST. He was such a dork he deserved to die.
Adam Chance, Agent for HARM :roll:
Why has no one mentioned Santa Claus from 521-“Santa Claus”? He has a factory run by child slave labor. He violates peoples privacy using a variety of creepy surveillance equipment. He could only defeat Pitch the demon by using underhanded tactics. And finally, he proved what a coward he was by being treed by a small dog. Sorry Santa, but you were a real jerk!
Nick, from Time Chasers, is who comes to my mind first!
The whiny clone from Parts: The Clonus Horror, whose name I can’t even remember. His face is based on a tuna melt and every line comes out as a whine.
There have been lots of mentions of Kevin from Hobgoblins, but what about the elderly security guard? Why didn’t he just blow up the building in the first place? Because then there wouldn’t be a movie, that’s why.
I have to speak up for PUMAMAN being the textbook example of a lame hero, since his sidekick delivered about twice as much arse-whoopin’ without any defined super powers or baffling/ridiculous costume. He might actually be the lamest super-hero in all of pop culture who wasn’t supposed to be a joke or campy (unlike, say, Batwoman).
I was about to defend Nick from Time Chasers, until I remembered something a friend pointed out: Nick only got mixed up with J.K. Robertson’s EvilCo (TM) because he needed money for research. Yet even the moustached guy pointed out that all one need do to make money with a time machine is to put whatever money you have in a bank several decades in the past, and collect your interest in the present. So why didn’t our “genius” hero just think to do this and prevent the whole stupid movie from happening? It couldn’t have caused a worse paradox than leaving a uzzi and single-engine plane back in the 18th century for Ethan Allen to find. Makes Nick’s sacrifice in the end seem like the very least he could do. Jerk.
Also, all characters from Red Zone Cuba should be excluded from consideration. You can’t define heroes or villians in it any more than you can define whether it was just action or something science-fictioney/supernatural happened; the whole mess is just unclassifiable. And that’s why I love it.
All the lunkheads named ‘Steve’ in Night of the Bloodbeast. They got outsmarted by a giant parrot!
The game warden in Attack of the Giant Leeches. Always gets in the way, and his blundering made it too late to save the ultra hot sleazy wife at the end.
Big Stupid in Girl in Lovers Lane. The dolt leaves the girl to be strangled.
Derek in Teenagers from Outer Space. Yes, he did stop the giant lobsters, but he walks around in a daze most of the time and talks like he’s high.
Boneheads in King Dinosaur. The answer to getting trapped in a cave by giant lizards? Set off an A-bomb???
Rommel in Sidehackers. No guns??? Nice! Plus look at the gang he puts together to help him.
One word: Mitchell!
Hmm…my turn now, eh?
Time Chasers: Nick Miller. Sure, he dies mud-stained and splaying, but don’t worry…there’s a spare. :wink:
Space Mutiny: Dave Ryder aka Thick McRunfast aka Big McLargehuge aka Smoke Manmuscle aka Smash Lampjaw aka Butch Deadlift…
Hobgoblins: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin…you would’ve been a more effective hero if you had just stayed home and watched reruns of “Who’s the Boss?”
I Accuse my Parents: Jimmy’s an irresponsible, narcissistic moron, plain and simple.
Touch of Satan: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jodie, the most malleable man in the universe.
This one is easy.
The first one to come to mind is–
HENRY KRASKER!
Henry Krasker, from #603 – The Dead Talk Back, is so unappealing as a hero, it boggles my mind.
Why in the world he was chosen as the lead in that role is beyond me. Anyone who has seen him knows what I’m talking about.
Nobody will ever convince me that the guy from ‘Time Chasers’ was less appealing than Krasker.
Krasker is the king!
I also must nominate the unappealing loser and his pals from #907 – Hobgoblins (a movie in which NO ONE was appealing), as well as the
smarmy Pernell Roberts from #614 – San Francisco International.
Steve Alaimo (#207 – Wild Rebels) was pretty bad too.
SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON – Secret Agent Super Dragon. I remember thinking, “how come there’s no words in this film?” That guy was lame to the max.
CAVE DWELLERS – Ator. When those women were being sacrificed to the giant snake thing, he never stepped in to save any of them!
THE CLONUS HORROR – Richard. I guess he was supposed to be ‘the hero’ of the film… but he never followed through.
THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM – Crash Corrigan. What did he do besides push little Billy around (Diane!) and grope the reporter Diane?
Col. Floyd Graham (Lloyd Bridges) in ROCKETSHIP XM has to be the worst! Everyone DIED!
Lamest movie heroes:
– The husband, Mike, from Manos: Hands Of Fate. He’s incompetent beyond words and gets his whole family destroyed.
– The secret agent in Rocket Attack USA. He fails to blow up the rocket or prevent a nuclear war! He also gets himself and his female contact inside the USSR killed.
– Ken The Wolf Raider. Is there anything in Fugitive Alien he doesn’t mess up?
– As stated, Rowsdower. What a load.
– The “heroes” in Lost Continent. They don’t accomplish much except to get “monkey boy” killed.
– Rommel in Sidehackers. He makes one bad decision after another and gets him and his fiance killed, endangers his friends and makes for a really ugly movie.
– Rod T. the race driver in Wild Rebels. How many people die at the end of that film? Although it’s arguably the police he’s working for that make most of the mess of things. Why don’t they arrest the gang after the assault in the nightclub at the beginning or after the gun store robbery? No, they have to wait for the bank heist and for more people’s lives to be destroyed first.
– The astronauts in King Dinosaur. Go to a new planet, learn nothing, then nuke the native flora and fauna. Great job all around…not!
what really struck me, thinking through the episodes, is that so many seem have no hero/protagonist at all. I guess that you can just pick the least dislikable character and- no, no- that won’t do… anyway:
Wild Rebels: icky icky smarmy: Rod. I really wanted one of the bikers to take him out, preferably Fats no; Jeter would be more cruel… Rod charmlessly lives his life via Satan’s credo: ‘what’s in it for me?’ how very Eighties of him. he was ahead of his time. and Rod’s shamelessly cool ‘dancing’ would make Mother Theresa puke, had she witnessed it.
Daddy-O: our hero Phil is only slightly more likable than the myopic gym goon and the cigar smoking oily fat guy.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: does Droppo count? he’s given a lot to do in this film, and seems to defeat evil due to his gift of bottomless idiocy.
Attack of the Giant Leeches: Mr. Musclebound game warden. positively dripping with smarm with a creamy center of self-rightousness. the leech unfortunate enough to have ended up sucking on him would have died a long, painful death from a combination of Vitalis and ego.
The the Eye Creatures: Stan Kenton. what a bag of joy. an idiot and a sexist pig. good thing the aliens were an easy kill. his dome-haired girlfriend shouldered the majority of the ‘save the world’ chores; her dad, her car, etc. was he really the best they could do? I guess with dreamboats like the two peeping cretins and slimy dress-wearing room mate boy around, yes, it was.
Monster A Go-Go: the inept oily doctor. what a maroon. this whole movie just plain HURTS.
Manos, the Hands of Fate: Mike. for oh, so many reasons… nonchalantly puts his family in mortal danger; aggressively incompetent; ridiculously foul tempered. he almost makes Torgo likable, by contrast. nuff said.
Eegah!: that whiny, oily, singing sensation Arch Hall Jr. did we all cheer along when Eegah wailed on him? ‘Rox-eee!’
Alien From L.A.: oh god- Kathy. [covers ears] half the time she’s lost, the other half she’s standing around slack-jawed, overpowered by her own stupidity, and all the time, trickling acid onto our tympanic membranes with— that- VOICE. that hideous, intolerable voice! and her giant, rolling eyeballs, which manage to convey nothing, in each of their many, loving close-ups.
Creeping Terror: Dr. Bradford and sheriff’s deputy via nepotism Martin are tied for this one. although at least Dr. Bradford does help to vanquish the Terror, and dies a noble death while Martin just clutches his hot young wife and looks befuddled.
Amazing Transparent Man: Faust. is he supposed to be our hero? or- he’s the bad guy, right? nice of him to irradiate half the county while destroying the evil device. perhaps the much-photographed organ is the real hero… or maybe the guinea pig!
Laserblast: Lyle Waggoner’s far less likable doppelganger. from his blow-combed ‘dry look’ do, to his creaseless polyester suit, down to his polished toes… wow, is he full of himself. though he’s supposed to be ‘on the case’ he seems to do NOTHING, then magically saves all at the end. perhaps even now, he is still striding through Flavor Country, he and his slacks with memory recalling rosier times when he vanquished evil through his unstoppable handsomeness.
Giant Spider Invasion: two words- Bill Rebane.
Quest of the Delta Knights: again, a tie between ‘T’ Travis and Leonardo-duh-Oxnard. well, ok, the kid’s not as bad as Leo. his voice and hair try the nerves, however.
Soultaker: Zach. yeah, that’s who you want around when it gets tough; Zach. although I guess the ‘hero’ is really the whisper-thin Natalie as this is HER MOVIE, and don’t you forget it.
Future War: blonde gangland nun Sister Ann and Jean-Claude Gosh-Darn in another tie. watching these two interact is a nightmare in which, no matter how hard you try, you cannot scream, and no matter how much you flail, you cannot move.
listed bad heroes I actually kind of like: Zap Rowsdower. (I don’t know, I just kinda like him.) Lemminkainen can surf a mean tree, I’ll say that for him.
honorable mentions: John Agar, Joe-Don Baker, and [shudder] Coleman Francis in any of their portrayals.
Dangerface, while I can understand the argument that Jimmy in I Accuse My Parents was irresponsible, I don’t quite follow your reason for labeling him as narcissistic.
And I offer up another vote that Aztec Dude made a better hero than Puma Man.
No mention of Hank, from “Horror of Party Beach?”
Our ineffectual hero, of sorts, comprised of a system of ones and zeroes, whose sole slice of action is to traipse around New York, before finally getting around to stopping by the chemical warehouse to pick up the oh-so-needed SODIUM!!!
Rowsdower??? NO WAY!!! :evil:
The dudes from Time Chasers and PARTS: The Clonus Horror hands down.
Rowsdower is MY hero!!! :oops:
Ok, see… This is an impossible choice. This series is a celebration of rock-stupid main characters presented as heroic.
So.. If they DO anything right they have to be disqualified.
Henry Krasker of The Dead Talk Back can’t be on this list. He’s unlikeable, annoying and bizarre.. But he actually DOES solve the murder. As the film is a murder mystery, he passes the basic litmus test.
Similarly, no matter how tedious it is to watch Hercules, or Peter Graves in Beginning of the End… ultimately they do WIN.
You may want to set him on fire, and with good cause, but Tommy Kirk in both his MST3K appearances beats the bad guys. He’s whiny, and epically unconvincing. But in both movies he is presented as stepping up to bat and winning.
Thus, not LAME.
Mitchell is insane, repulsive beyond belief and inescapably unworthy of being put on film. Ever.
But he does kill a LOT of character actors. The whole plot is him, bizarrely clubbing, shooting , and gutting bad guys. Nothing WOULD happen without him.
Lemmeinkainen is a far more complex character in the Kalevala than the translators of The Day The Earth Froze… comprehended. I can’t wholly judge him knowing his role in the overall story.
So therefore, we need to find characters who are either PRESENTED as main characters but who while making us hate them never ever do a damn thing; (Paper Chase Guy, Adam Chance: Agent for HARM, Cal Meacham) or who actively fail to do anything and aggressively make things worse by anyone’s standards, (Mike from Manos; Arch Hall Jr.; Beverly Garland in The Gunslinger, who is presented as competent and yet gets the whole town killed)
You know, I realized no one mentioned Mike from Earth vs. the Spider. Cops a feel and insults his girlfriend and touts one of BIG’s other movies all in one film.
I count Henry Krasker for the simple reason that he is just a stage magician with a twist. All of that talk about his experiments and beliefs in the beyond and communicating with the recently deceased and what does he do? A simple trick that totally disproves his own theories.