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Weekend Discussion Thread: Oscar-Quality RemakesAlbuquerqueTurkey suggests:
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‘tormented’
ways to make it Oscar worthy:
1. find Merritt Stone and get him a part. sheer talent like his can’t be ignored.
2. ramp up the FX. not crazy Lucas effects, but enough to grab the audience.
3. find an actual Jazz pianist or instrumentalist.
4. keep Stephen King away from the project.
5. get more star power because Rex the dog and the beatnik milkman can’t do EVERYTHING.
6. consider doing it in color. failing that, gratuitous frontal nudity. male or female, today’s audiences isn’t that picky.
seriously though, throw in a car chase and some whaka-chee-wah and it’s guaranteed box office gold.
I’ve always thought Danny McBride would make an awesome Crenshaw. Soooo…..
Boggy Creek III and the Legend Continues to Continue.
Watch the trophies pile up!
ok…i’m sorry, but i have to vent here a little.
del Toro getting the award is, to me what’s wrong with the Oscars and Hollywood in general.
he takes a tried and rock solid premise of forbidden love between a woman and an amphibian biped and drains all of the qualities that made ‘Creature’ and Revenge of said Creature true cinematic gems.
his idea of the forbidden romance is to have CGI gill-man swim around and say ‘of course dear, let’s discuss our feelings.’ PAH!
in the true classic, the guy in a rubber suit gill-man snaps his tether, frag some thin dancing Nazis in skin tight shorts and goes on a 3 block rampage then culminating in a watery abduction from the Red Lobster as a profession of his feelings. now what woman wouldn’t say ‘THAT’s romance? (come on ladies. back me up here.)
also, the creative geniuses of ‘Revenge’ deserve a purple heart for dealing with Agar and the Load. they didn’t take the easy way out like del Toro.
additionally, they saw the budding talent of Christoper J Dog, LSD cat (go back and watch the cats in the cage and you tell me) and the diaper wearing chimp.
they also took some bold chances like that pimply faced Eastwood kid.(whatever happened to him is a mystery.)
they innovated the ‘hook a guy to a wire and fling him into a padded tree’ technique. something a cold and heartless Hollywood has sadly forgotten.
they took a room full of Warner Klemperer’s and made it all festive.
so take your cake walk win del torro. you’re no director to me, mister! there. i said it. i’d say it again if i had to.
The Dead Talk Back. Make it a police suspense drama, with Viggo Mortensen as medium-boiled Lieutenant Lewis, Zach Galifianakis as man-on-a-mission Mr. Krasker, and Jennifer Lawrence in the role of the bad-girl blackmailer, but with more backstory.
M. Night Shyamalan would be the director, in a return to his earlier polished style. His twist this time? The Dead really DO talk back, but they only talk about reality TV shows, and can’t provide any help with the murder.
Red Zone Cuba: I’d start with a script rewrite, hire a director that has talent, get a decent cinematographer, film at actual locations in the Caribbean, and use a cast of actual, you know, actors.
Rocket Attack USA –
An updated cautionary tale about America under attack by Russian internet bots who have succeeded in interfering with the American election process by spreading false information, innuendo, and outright lies. I see Charlize Theron as the blonde Russian spy.
HOBGOBLINS (bear with me here): The whole concept of monsters or aliens that kill you by making your dreams come true was woefully misused; it’s actually a very interesting idea. I’d cast a group of adults, not teenagers, including Daniel Radcliffe, Paul Dano, Janelle Monáe, and Allison Williams, as the core group. Old man McCreedy would be played by Christopher Walken. The main characters would be killed one by one, by what they love the most — drugs, money (getting mixed up in a heist that goes bad), sex addiction, etc., and McCreedy would be the last man standing because he gave up on all his dreams and so is relatively immune. Directed by Christopher Nolan, it would be the ultimate “be careful what you wish for” movie. Oh, and top-notch special effects, not some guys waving flashlights around to simulate a burning car after it crashes.
make The Amazing Colossal Man a body horror film with a downbeat tone, lots of scientific jargon, practical fx and most important of all, no comically gigantic needle. The director could be Brian Yuzna (or Frank Henenlotter) and the leading role could go either to Tom Hardy or Idris Elba.
James Gunn could remake (or reboot, somehow) Laserblast, Douglas Booth could play Billy and Mackenzie Foy could play Kathy. Jesse Eisenberg could be Froggie and Hank Williams Jr, well, you know.
Lars von Trier could direct the new High School Big Shot. If that’s too much, give it to Gus van Sant.
I want seventies’ David Lynch to remake Phase IV and/or The Crawling Eye
and The Room could be a comedy, oh wait…
Just take any of them and have Meryl Streep star. There. Instant Oscar.
Thanks for using my idea!
I would remake Prince of Space. Here is how I would improve it:
1. Hire a better costume designer!
2. Get Rick Baker to do the makeup.
3. Change the premise that the Earth has a superior rocket fuel than a civilization with interplanetary travel – that was pretty lame. Instead, the Krankorites need women (seriously, there were no women on their ship), or food supplies, or this is an invasion force leading a migration of all the Krankorites to Earth.
4. Allow Prince of Space to keep his tagline “Your weapons have no effect on me,” but raise the dramatic tension by having Phantom of Krankor whip out some new weapon late in the movie, and Prince say, “Whoa, I didn’t know you had THAT!”
5. Keep the movie’s venue in Japan, and play up the ethnic angle a la Black Panther, by having the Japanese struggle against Krankor be a metaphor for their struggle against… something that’s oppressed them, I don’t know what.
6. Give more back story to Prince – what tragedy in his life spurred him to a life of fighting for truth, justice, and the Japanese way; how did he invent his flying wheelbarrow; where did his name come from; how did he become so unaffected by Krankorian weapons?
7. Also give more back story to the children, including some deep psychological reason why they like bootblacking very much.
8. The Guardian – I see major CGI magic here!!!
9. Music by Alexander Desplat, for that French-Japanese mystical, ethereal vibe.
10. Have one of the Krankor warriors develop an emotional bond with an Earthling, thus raising psychological and moral tension for him and his shipmates.
11. And finally, ambiguous ending for Prince of Space – was destroying an entire civilization true to the moral code he lives by?
I think a remake of “Gunslinger” directed by Clint Eastwood could do well. I’m not sure what the cast would like though?
The Starfighters is now about a woman who is trying to break gender stereotypes by becoming a fighter pilot, against all opposition including her stodgy father, who served in the gender-rigid Air Force of old. Our heroine is subjected to endless harassment, while the base commander turns a blind eye. There’s a subplot about an air-headed boy from the midwest to prattles on endlessly about corn de-tassling. The church-going married white guy is the worst pilot in the unit, panicking upon flying through a cloud and crashing his plane, requiring our heroine to go out and look for him. The in air refueling scenes are a triumph of cinema art; there’s no more guessing what’s being implied.
The unit commander then fails to properly fitting poopie suits, requiring our heroine to sue the Air Force to get compliance. But then, the Evil President with the Bad Hair is removed from office, and his replacement appoints our heroine to Secretary of the Air Force, and she sends her old unit off for special duty in Mykonos. (In “The Starfighters II they overcome their antiquated phobias with enthusiasm. But that’s next year’s Oscar.)
Bravo, Duke, Bravo!
The Invasion of the Neptune Men remake :
Stranger Things kids
Eighties Steven Spielberg
Lucasfilm production
Screenwriters : Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Crichton
Soundtrack : Vangelis
Stranded in Space actually has an interesting story, something that has Will Smith written all over it. Maybe have Scarlet Johannson as the lady doctor? The Cameron Mitchell bad guy? Someone with gravitas, like Tom Hanks or Tommy Lee Jones. Don’t know enough to suggest a director . . . NOT Roger Corman, but that goes without saying.
The basic premise of Final Sacrifice has always fascinated me: a long-disappeared civilization that’s been forgotten, a psychotic whacko trying to resurrect it . . . He would be played well by Johnny Depp, in Whitey Bulger mode. Only problem is, who would play Rowsdower? The original actor made Zap his own, and a new (perhaps more dignified) hero would have to be created.
There’s another great idea floating around in my head–Racket Girls with Bill Murray, Anne Hathaway, Meryl Streep and Taylor Swift . . . Don’t have the details down yet. I’ll get back to you . . .
see, now here’s a real challenge. have Depp play Joe in ‘Racket Girls’ without him overshadowing the rest of the cast.
not familiar with ‘Stranger Things, do they have a suitable ‘Piggy’ boy?
I’d remake ‘Parts: The Clonus Horror’ but I’ use big name stars like Ewan McGregor for the male and someone like Scarlett Johansson or any woman with a nose; as the female star. Add some expensive CGI effects, film parts in a poor city like Detroit to save some bucks. And of course, avoid paying anything to the makers of the original to keep down on pre-production costs.
Baby…we are now talkin’ about Oscar gold!
LOL! Oscar gold and lawsuit payout — a match made in hell! ;-) (And yes, before someone attempts to “educate” me, I know the story.)
THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT, and really push the allegory for the white man raping a pillaging a foreign place, its people and its animals all in the name of “progress.”
Let me give HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT a, er, shot.
Same time period, same NOWHERE, USA setting.
Lots more use of the harbor/beach. Make it DREARY.
Marv, played by an unknown actor, is even more desperate and pathetic.
And a CGI recreation of the man that played the bean-eating town drunk Depressing Dad. He OWNS that role. (Oh, and they do rent a porno together, but it gets eaten by the projector. On the night it all goes to hell. Marv’s last shameful memory of “Pop.”)
Gotta go and write my acceptance speech! :D
Yes, the curly-haired one with the lisp (that also patronizes women in those unfortunate FIOS commercials). He’d do great.
I would have the cast of Space Mutiny battling it out with the cast of Battlestar Galactica for control of the ship!
Personally, I put my faith in Blast Hardcheese!
Simple,
The Crawling Eye, updated ,choose you favorite bland action star of the day, location filming, dangerous , suspenseful ice climbing scenes, terrifying “Aliens” like creatures ripping heads off and tearing people apart etc, etc, lots of CGI , military team rather than fire bombs on the “bunker” with lots of phallic automatic weapons ,flamethrowers and explosions, oh and maybe Meryl Streep as one of the sisters to guarantee an Oscar vote, suspense romance chills and thrills, Spielberg, Lucas produce, ?
Oh, it’s easy to get Oscars: Just pay off the Golden Globes to nominate them, because they’re gullible enough to believe you–And then the Oscars, who don’t have time anymore to think of their own, just crib off the Globes list like a fourth-grader writing his school report off of Wikipedia.
Just to be ironic, maybe we can get them to nominate Santa Claus Conquers the Martians again. ;)
Although with del Toro, it’s “You think EVERYTHING is a Black Lagoon remake!”
(For example, considering that he was, quote, “consulting” on Dreamworks animateds around the time of “Rise of the Guardians”, ask yourself how we got the Black Lagoon character in “Monsters vs. Aliens” who acts and talks like Hellboy.
At least he didn’t sit around watching Columbia Mr. Magoo cartoons this time, like they did in Blade II.)
Besides, everyone knows Shape of Water isn’t a “remake of the Creature”–It’s a remake of Splash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Kx3jqEGh4
Lawrence Kasdan is too busy writing (ahem) GOOD Lucasfilms for Disney (stares contemptuously at the one he didn’t), and Michael Crichton doesn’t get around much lately.
Steven Spielberg would have Participant Media behind him to make an “inspiring” look at recent history, in a climactic trial-scene where Tom Hanks defends the rights of poor shoeshine kids in the tumultuous social changes of modern 60’s Tokyo.
Truthfully, you could probably rerelease it as is and it would dominate the Oscars.
Their plummeting birthrate, perhaps?
I would take a shot at THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES
Director Tim Burton
Jerry Nick Cage
Marge Kristeen Wiig
Madam Estrella Meryl Streep
Madison Topher Grace
Harold Sacha Baron Cohen
Ortega Johnny Depp
I think we can make a run at it.
I love how we’re all on the same page here: Meryl Streep could save any project and make it Oscar-Worthy.
Here’s an idea I KNOW would work: Take Starcrash, make the renegade pilot a wise-cracking guy instead of a hot babe (say, Harrison Ford?), make the irritating robot fussily British instead of stereotypically Southern, give him a little robot sidekick who just beeps and whirs instead of talks, make the Christopher Plummer emperor character evil, give HIM a symbol-of-evil henchman all in black who breathes heavy, make the story really interesting–say a rebellion against an Evil Empire–and make Meryl Streep the giant evil robot with breasts! Can’t believe this hasn’t already been done–say, about 9 times . . .
Space Travelers- just retitle it. I’m thinking ‘Marooned’.
Seriously, Robot Holocaust with a bigger SFX budget and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Valeria. Terminator meets Mad Max meets Alien, instant classic.
I’d pitch Tim Burton on a remake of Devil Doll. Show of hands–who’s watched Devil Doll ALL THE WAY TO THE END recently (or ever)? It’s been ten years since I had till last night, and that thing is so unremittingly dark that it’d make David Cronenberg sleep with a night light.
‘Devil Doll’ dark? that German couple screamed joyful euphoria.
Yeah, how would Tim Burton gay the story up with more cheap humor and “Misunderstood by mean normie-people” tropes, like he did for Dark Shadows and Batman Returns?
Focus the story on Hugo’s inability to function in society being made of wood? The revelation that Hugo is actually the Great Vorelli’s son, leading to father-issues arguments? A scene where Hugo tries to shop at a a kitchily-suburban grocery store, but sees an impossible-to-reach display of…..ham??
Space Mutiny, except this time they steal visual effects from the new Battlestar Galactica.
All “The Touch of Satan” needs is a talking fox.
Let’s do a short. After all, if Hollywood can blockbuster a comic book why not?
THE HOME ECONOMICS STORY –
We have three young women in college working on their degrees only this time one is studying aerospace engineering, the next pre-med, and the third environmental science. The engineer-to-be has designs on creating the first all electric passenger jet using transparent aluminum, the future physician is diagnosing a patient-lead treatment system that will make health care affordable for all, and the eventual environmental expert will create a zero-effluent methodology that uses waste plastic to absorb and sequester toxic waste which rapidly breaks down in the environment as fixed nitrogen fertilizer. None of them is actively seeking a life partner since their biological clocks will continue to tick for years after they are awarded their Nobel prizes. I would go with three newcomers for the leading roles, but one of them must sport Romulan eyebrows.
Screaming Skull: Daniel Day Lewis as Eric, Meryl Streep* as Jenni, Woody Harrelson & Catherine Zeta Jones as Rev & Mrs Snow, John Malkovich as Mickey.
Directed by Clint Eastwood
Skull FX etc by Industrial Light & Magic
*Of course.
GAAHHH! I just pictured JD at his weirdest playing little Joe from Racket Girls–you know, slobbering over Peaches, doing unspeakable things to racehorses, etc.–and now I need a shower. And yet: Depp as Joe, Bill Murray as Scali, Meryl Streep as the trainer, Taylor Swift and Anne Hathaway among the wrestlers . . . all directed by, say, Tim Burton . . . Intriguing possibilities!
As long as it isn’t George Clooney, I’m okay with that.
(No, seriously: Is it employment charity, or WHY does every poster think Tim Burton still has a directing career? Wasn’t that last Alice movie sort of the final case for the prosecution?
He didn’t even direct it, and we still didn’t want to go see a movie that reminded us of him!) ;)
Can a kid really be patronizing to anyone? They are either precocious or pretentious– take your pick. Now that’s some perspicacity.
Oscar worthy? Take Fury Road. Add side-hacks to all the vehicles. Give J.C. a scary mask, he already has a god complex. Big Jake rips the joke telling stupid hillbilly boy’s tongue out before he can get to Number 5, but they’re still friends. No one can tell the difference between Ross Hagen’s dialogue and the hum of the engines. Gooch, er, Cooch defects for real and shows the good guys how to give J.C. five the hard way. They impale him with that stupid pole and Paisley escapes, swearing to ride the Greyhound from now on.
Everyone eats chili peppers and gets horrible diseases from a blood transfusion.
Ross finds a meadow in a desert oasis where he can roll around with his gal one last time.
They all die. Nihilism wins.
Attack of the the Eye Creatures.
Just hire a cast and crew who care.
It Conquered The World. First, replace the carrot monster with anything else. Then better actors, special effects, yada yada…
Whoa, dude, YOU go into the cave & tell the Carrot Monster it’s fired. I’m gonna wait right here.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-09-bqYDtmjI/TfrE_lSVreI/AAAAAAAAAT4/cGcaKFVbdMY/s1600/thingconquered.jpg
[Something’s wrong here; this comment is in reference to the quote, “WHY does every poster think Tim Burton still has a directing career? “]
You clearly haven’t seen Big Eyes. Big Eyes is the reason I go to movies. Amy Adams is the reason grown men with hairy ears and a shoe rack full of wing-tip shoes still feel the urge from time to time to go outside during a full moon and yip like coyotes.
Actually, that just gave off a weird vibe. “Screaming Skull,” with Amy Adams in the Peggy Webber role, and Chris Walz as her gullwing-Mercedes driving creep of a husband.
And for those of you who’ve never done so, check out Peggy Webber’s bio on imdb.
Slightly off topic. Kino has released The Master on Blu Ray. Blu Ray. This was the series that gave MSTies Master Ninja I and II, with Lee Van Cleef, his very obvious stunt double, and mumbling Timothy Van Patten.
Here’s the Amazon link:
https://www.amazon.com/Master-Complete-TV-Blu-ray/dp/B077Y66DLY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1520823240&sr=8-4&keywords=the+master+blu+ray
And a review on DVDTalk:
https://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/72838/master-the/
All the TV shows that COULD be released on Blu Ray, and we get THIS? :-)
Enjoy!
(Uh yeah, but not that I’m going to disavow all association with H’s quote.)
Although Adams in “Big Eyes” was basically playing one of the two kinds of female characters you WOULD find in a Tim Burton movie. Which…brings up a few pertinent questions that have already been asked by some.
Eva Green in “Dark Shadows” and “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” and would be the other kind of female character you would find in a Tim Burton movie. Unless he has another madwoman for Helena Bonham Carter to play. To save time, Tim had Michelle Pfeiffer in “Batman Returns” play BOTH kinds.
As for the first kind, I guess that pretty well nails down Burton to that Mr. B. Natural remake, or casting Adams as the cute-as-a-button Selling Wizard in a kitsched-up satire on 50’s grocery advertising.
Three Billboards Outside Of Boggy Creek –
Momma Creature convinces a local advertising agency to put up three billboards chastising the sheriff of Miller County, Arkansas as to why he hasn’t found her kidnapped little creature.
Great one!
In that vein, I propose “The Shape of Sodium” — Elaine falls for a pickle-faced monster and says, “Don’t judge our love.” Special appearance by *Meryl Streep as a modern-day Eulabelle.
Well, I’d take Robot Holocaust, but replace all the future stuff with fantasy trappings, leave the Dark One just as vague but, like, a wizard or something, keep the swords, stretch the whole thing out to three movies and win an Oscar with the third one.
I’m thinking the Coen brothers could punch up some of the shorts and win some hardware: Frances McDormand as Mr. B Natural, for instance, or Javier Bardem as Johnny in “Cheating” (with Meryl Streep as his teacher).
TIME CHASERS 2018:
Nick: Ryan Gosling
Lisa: Rachel McAdams
J.K. Robertson: Bryan Cranston
Pink Boy: Zach Galifianakis
Up the effects budget and I think you may really have something…