“Just Stop and Aim, You Idiots!”
Crow gives this free advice to the mutineers in “Space Mutiny” and I realized something. Had they actually followed this little “Duh!” nugget, it would have completely changed the outcome of the movie; Ryder is dead, the ship is overthrown and Kalgan is in control.
Of course, it would ruin the movie but lives would be saved, etc.Therefore, what in-movie advice would you give that would greatly affect events or your favorite Mst3k movies? You can’t reveal plot points or secrets and you only get one intervention, but you have the undivided attention of the character or group of characters.
I’ll go with “Killer Shrews.” When Thorne and Griswold arrive, three of the five who are trapped on the island casually stroll down to the beach to meet them. With danger imminent (that’s why Jerry was armed and an 8-foot fence had been constructed) and your salvation arriving as scheduled, have Mario and Radford join you and get on the stupid boat!
I’ve said this before but I’ll say again: John Forsythe, TELL THE COPS THAT ANN-MARGRET IS IN YOUR HOUSE!!
Your advice?
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actually listen to and employ counter measures to counteract the fact that your weapons don’t effect the ‘prince of space!!!!!’
The Creeping Terror –
Uh, walk away?
John Forsythe was actually the first thing that came to my mind, but I want to invoke a short: when the Sergeant from Adam 12 comes to your house and lectures you on traffic safety for what seems like 3 hours, at least try to pretend you paid attention for one freaking car ride, hunh? Why don’t they look indeed.
If only the earth had put its diaphragm on like Crow encouraged, the whole giant spider invasion could have been avoided.
Monster A Go-Go
There was NO monster
Perhaps we should have left the Bronx.
Brute Man: Just because you’re pissed off at your friends, don’t throw volatile chemicals around in your own vicinity.
Nice topic.
For me, I think the low-hanging fruit here is from Manos… the movie itself had PLENTY of advice that would have put an end to this monstrosity before it began.
If stupid Michael had merely taken Margaret’s advice to “go back and ask those kids”, they would have discovered that “there’s nothing up that road” and likely have enjoyed a happy, Torgo-free vacation someplace else. :island: :sun:
Or again, if he had listened to Margaret who did NOT want to spend the night at Valley Lodge, and had not irrationally insisted on foisting his family on Torgo–who also tried to dissuade him, making it abundantly clear that “the Master would not approve”–no movie, and the world would have been a brighter and better place. :rainbow:
Well, live and learn. ;-)
Red Zone Cuba: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade (do NOT run off to Cuba with six other guys and attempt to overthrow Castro).
Word to the wise, movie characters: don’t be afraid to break the fourth wall and ask the storyteller some questions to avoid a staggering go-nowhere-fast narrative.
“Whoa, mister narrator, let me stop you before you say anything else and ask you something: is there a monster or not?”
“Uh… okay, there is no giant, no monster, no thing called ‘Douglas’ to be followed. But, if you’ll hear me out-”
“One more thing, what happened to Frank Douglas?”
“Well, geez, we’re skipping past all the good stuff, but if you must insist, astronaut Frank Douglas was rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat.”
“Awesome. We’re done here.”
“Wait! Don’t you want to hear the rest of my story?”
“Yeah, no.”
Horrors of Spider Island. Stop having your weird dance party/orgy and get the Hell off this island.
If you aren’t sure about how big the lake is don’t state it as fact. You’ll look foolish and will never live down the shame you bring to yourself and your family.
The Amazing Colossal Man
“Glenn, you’ll be tempted to run TOWARDS the atomic explosive device. My advice: don’t.”
(This is a two-fer, since it would also negate the events of War of the Colossal Beast.)
Leave the gillman in the Amazon, instead of importing a potentially dangerous creature into Florida.
Don’t go to the circus – on ice or not. Spare your children the horrors of asking Thomas Edison why the clowns are in that weird position, spanking each other with brooms… Stay away!!! :clown:
To the girls of “The Atomic Brain”, read the fine print in your “foreign domestic” contracts, or say goodbye to your brains.
To Jimmy Wilson’s parents: enough of the gambling and drinking. You have a son. Pay attention to him
To Tom Stewart: stay away from lighthouses
Alternatively:
Jimmy Wilson, when it comes to essay contests, write what you know.
“Paul, just let the trained scientists help you do your projection demo, not the cute secretary. In fact, just don’t try projecting when you’re angry, period.”
THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH
If Eulabell (Dr. Garvin’s housekeeper) had not insisted/scolded/nagged Hank into continuing to contact chemical warehouses to locate sodium, I’m afraid that we would all be swimming around with our mouths stuffed with hot dogs.
Note to the Great Vorelli: If you make some world-changing supernatural discovery, it might be time to just put down the puppet.
The Violent Years. I would take Paula aside very early in the movie and say,”Paula you want to be a rebel and make lots of money go to college, graduate and work hard”. That will really ruffle some 1950s feathers.
Were Ann-Margret in my house, I’d ask her about her nude scene in Richard Attenborough’s Magic.
Touch of Satan’s Jodie should really not have a sleepover at the nice girl’s farm.
Just enjoy some CARNATION ICE CREAM and move on.
Also, Professor Bobo should listen to Steffi. She’s not a babysitter to be crossed.
“Ironman One, Cap-Com. Flight has additions to the pre-undock checklist: check on the level of RCS fuel, and check on the O2 level in the spacecraft. If both aren’t sufficient for extended period in orbit, do not undock.”
Or…
“You know, Dr. Hale’s new fuel additive would answer all of this country’s gasoline problems. But, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Let’s do more tests, and don’t give him a penny until we’re sure this won’t blow up in our faces…literally.”
Or…
“Yeah, international cooperation is a good thing, Mr. Wilson. And we appreciate the Italian authorities actions to stop the Mafia. But Palermo killed two people in Texas, including a Marshal. He stands trial here, then Italy can have him when we’re done with him. No way does he get on a plane until then, especially not with trigger-happy Geronimo.”
Anyone in Hobgoblins: DON’T. GO. IN. THE. VAULT. Sheesh!!
“Captain, I think you need to start paying attention. I mean, look at Kalgon. The man’s obviously a power-crazed lunatic. Toss him in the brig, right now, before he starts organizing a mutiny. And don’t forget to sign Sherry’s birthday card.”
Or…
“Nick, you’ve just invented budget time travel. Do you realize how important that is? Let’s take this to the U.S. Government right now, not to that Robertson guy. It’s too big for just one company to handle.”
Or, even better, forget the vault. Blow the things up the second they land!
Troy, you seem like a nice kid. Hopping into the back of the pickup truck of a beer-chugging stranger with a mullet, whom you never met, cannot end well. Stay home with your aunt, study hard, and for God’s sake lift some weights.
Love, Mom
If the boy on “Cheating” would have studied, he wouldn’t been forced out of office. Then we wouldn’t have been subjected to a Bergman like short. Incidentally, do you think if Nixon would have seen this, history would have been different?
You know, Doctor Ted Nelson, if you hear that your friend has turned into an Incredible Melting Man and gone on a horrific attack spree, just stay put and don’t pursue him. The problem should resolve itself fairly quickly.
Have some soup and crackers or something.
Good one.
In short: LOOK!!!!
Ratfink, if The Man is demanding that you have to destroy your beloved Atomic Hearing Aid, try faking its destruction. Or maybe have your goons stage a break-in. I’m sure even they can handle Ike the Security Guard. On no account should you let Batwoman and her dingbat Batbabes enter the picture. Otherwise it’ll all blow up in your face (or at least Heathcliff’s).
If Jerry had listened to Angie and not gone to the show, he never would have become a Mixed-Up Zombie.
Then again, if Angie would have listened to her mother, she wouldn’t have gone out with Jerry and gotten her heart broken (or her neck choked).
Then again, if anyone had just listened to that monkey, they would have known to “GET YOUR TICKETS HERE! GET YOUR TICKETS HERE”
“Cheating” was made in 1951 and by then Nixon was already a US senator setting up McCarthy’s Unamerican Activities operation. An easy guess would be that he was turned to the Dark Side by then and on his way to becoming a Cox sacker (ha!) twenty two years later.
#34
Speaking of Tricky Dick, wouldn’t he have made a great J. K. Robertson in Time Chasers?
(With Headless Agnew as Pink Boy).
My advice to Jerry in “The Incredibly Strange Creatures…”, get a job!
“High School Big Shot”
1) “She’s not worth it!”
2) “Fine, if you HAVE to do that, at least go over the damn PAPER with her!”
3) “GUH! Fine, if you HAVE to do that, DON’T TELL HER YOU’RE GOING TO STEAL THE MONEY!!!”
4) “Jeez! You’re supposed to be so smart! You don’t have to cut it so fine getting to the ferry! Wait a block away for an extra couple of minutes or something!”
The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent:
“Enger, vote to stay.”
To Paul in The Crawling Hand: Do NOT go back to the beach and collect that disembodied hand.
To the Earth kids in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians: Don’t rat out Santa’s location to the Martians, just have them pick up a random bell-ringing derelict Santa on a street corner.
And to Mike: Don’t report to that temp job at Deep 13, and especially do not assist Gypsy in helping that sleepy-eyed guy with the other ‘Bots escape. (But then again, we would’ve probably ended up with Mike’s brother Eddie shot up into the Satellite of Love)
Manos:
Just stop and get better directions to Valley Lodge….
If the big dumb guy in “The Thing that Couldn’t Die” hadn’t opened the chest like “the lamp wanted him too”, a small California ranch would not have been taken over by a buried English head. And we might of had more network boob battles.
I would have told Frank Jr. to look while he was driving with Betty.
stepping inside an insta-hibernation chamber/mr.freezie ice machine (“he’s cool!”) when “sudden earthquakes are not likely” (in -japan-!)… but, hey, “i don’t care!” ;) kid, worlds have turned upon such words…
I’d tell Ivan to bow in front of Father Mushroom. Things will become unbearable if he doesn’t!
“Touch of Satan” – Jodie, seriously. Let’s think about what you’re giving up versus what you’re getting. Melissa herself is telling you NOT to do it!
“High School Big Shot” – Marvin, it’s free college. FREE COLLEGE! Even if Betty really does like you, her ex-boyfriend is a very large punk. You WILL get beaten up.
“Gunslinger” – Erica, your ex-boyfriend and hired hitman is getting friendly with your target. He CAN’T/WON’T help you.
“Brain That Wouldn’t Die” – Bill, do you really want a strong emotional attachment to an experiment that very well may fail horribly?
“Outlaw” – Watney, what percentage of your friend-circle is Cabot? Considering that along with who he is in the kingdom, do you really want to sell him out?
“Bloodwaters of Dr. Z” – Doc Leopold… catfish?
“Parts: Clonus Horror” – Dr. Jameson, given the secrecy of your operation, when someone asks the kinds of questions Richards asks, AND finds something from the outside world, AND is reported for questionable behavior, AND fakes a heart attack, they need to disappear quietly and QUICKLY!
‘King Dinosaur’ – To the space agency, please conduct thorough psychiatric examinations of your astronauts and scientists before you send them on space expeditions. Make sure they won’t freak out and get all emotional at the slightest problem or do stupid things like use an atomic bomb to kill off an island full of prehistoric animals that could have been studied.
‘The Violent Years’ – To the man who got robbed and molested by Paula and her gang. TELL THE POLICE! You got a good look at all of them, swallow your pride and report them!
‘The Rebel Set’ – To Mr T. (not that Mr T), just take your damned money and leave! Dressing as a priest and then trying to kill all your accomplices was completely unnecessary and stupid.
I think the better advice would be for Captain Santa. “hey, how about letting some people get off the ship when they find a world they like?”
The Bellarians, for instance, had to come from somewhere. And while they might be a coven of witches fleeing religious persecution, I imagine their homeworld would have had a great amount of appeal to some of the crew and passengers of the Southern Sun. Especially if all of the inhabitants are humanoid females with a relaxed attitude about sex.
There are space pirates, whom we can assume are neither bellarians nor terrans. Where’d they come from? Maybe give Calgon a shuttle and send him off.
This Island Earth
You ignored me when I warned against assembling the interocitor. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, Cal, do NOT get on that fog-bedeviled plane!
Bart Fargo, you are on vacation tell the boss to stick it! 8-)
To The Beatniks: “Don’t kill that fat barkeep!”