I was watching The Brain That Wouldn’t Die recently and was thinking about what would have happened had there never been a car crash which removed the unfortunate woman’s head. The movie might have been renamed “The Thing in the Closet” and taken on more of a Frankenstein tone, with Bill and Curt regretting their mistake to create the monstrous creature who eventually escapes and rampages through town. Maybe the plucky Jan, who never ends up in the pan, finds some way to save the day.
What other movies deserve the WHAT IF treatment?
“Bloodlust!” What if the motor on the boat was properly maintained, or somebody on the boat could fix it? I think it might turn into a tense relationship drama, a la “Who’s Afraid of Virginina Woolfe?” in which a terrible secret comes out about Johnny (Robert Reed). I think you know where I’m headed.
What’s your pick?
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Mitchell: What if Vestreta had been Gulano?!
TIME OF THE APES
What if Johnny DID care!? I suppose he would have stayed home with his parents and drive them crazy as usual. Sort of a post modern Monster A Go Go with no Godo.
“Monster a Go-Go.” What if there really had been a monster and the police had to do battle with it in the tunnel?
Real Life: What if the Sci-Fi Channel never ended up in the horrible clutches of Bonnie Hammer?
If Kathy had just refused to ride up to Sandia Crest with Paul (Track of the Moon Beast), he wouldn’t have been infected by the tiny meteorite. Instead, the movie could have become the story of a lovers’ triangle, involving Kathy, Paul, and Johnny Longbow. The final scene could have been Johnny winning Kathy’s heart and stomach with a brimming bowl of onions, peppers, corn…while Paul regretfully rides off into the desert to examine random rocks. Recurring theme could have been Kathy, Paul & Johnny running into the bowler & his wife everywhere they went, getting to listen to them argue, then make up with passionate kissing, like comic relief lite.
What if Carrie hadn’t been killed in The Girl in Lover’s Lane? Big Stupid would have saved her, run creepy Jack Elam’s character out of town, then called Carrie “kid” and taken her home safely. He and Danny woukd hop the next train, but only get as far as the next town before realizing that he can’t do without Carrie. He goes back, Danny goes home, and Mr. and Mrs. Stupid travel the world together while raising Little Stupid to be a drifter, too.
And I’m sure pygmies would be involved somehow…
Here’s a “Horrors of Spider Island” two-for. 1) What if the plane hadn’t crashed? Would the girls’ve taken Singapore by storm? Would Singapore’ve been able to stand up? 2) What if the plane crashed, but Gary’d died? Would one of the dancers become a half-spider? Which one? If Babs became a half-spider, would the others stand any chance at all? Think about it, won’t you? Thank you.
What if Mikey HAD stolen that bike?
What if Roxie had kicked Arch in the nards and ran off with EEgah?
What if Bella had created his new rice of peeples?
In Santa Claus, what if little Pipitto had STOLEN that dollie after all? Would Mexico have ended up a country run by thiefs and mischief makers? Would she have gotten a homemade ragdoll instead of the beautiful doll standing outside her door on Christmas morn? Would her daddy have found work? Would Pitch have made it on Broadway as a dancer?
In RZC, what if Cook and Landis had handed Griffin over to the trooper and collected the $5,000 reward? They could have used the money to open a parachuting school. Then, Cook gets a job with the FAA while Landis meets and marries a helmet-haired girl named Beth. Meanwhile, Griffin busts out again and goes looking for revenge. He has radical plastic surgery to disguise himself as Landis’s old Army buddy Joe Moss then gets a job at the jump school. Landis suspects nothing, even though he doesn’t remember Joe being so grumpy and prone to fits of rage back in Korea. Strange, too, how much he seems to love coffee now. Ultimately, Landis ends up getting thrown down a well, Beth dies in a jump when her acid-drenched hair fails to open, and Joe Moss/Griffin and his accomplices Frankie and Suzy all get shot to death by Joe Dobson from the window of Petey the Plane. Fade out.
What if the government officials – including bowler hat guy – took the crazed beekeeper up on his offer to use killer bees as weapons. We would end up with a cautionary tale about man’s efforts to mess with nature backfiring and leading to a killer bee apocalypse.
What if Rowsdower had been sober?
What if “Robot Monster” had just been a dream? Oh, wait……
What if Paula had had a happy, loving upbringing in “The Violent Years”? For one thing, the movie would need a new title. How about “Pajama Party”? Paula and her girlfriends would have had lots of wacky, cute hijinks in high school and gone on to happy marriages or secretarial school or lives of volunteer service. Hmmmm, now that I think about it I bet we’re all glad she turned out to be such a snotty little violent criminal.
What if Hercules hadn’t drank the “Waters of forgetfulness,” would he have been able to make peace between the brothers? Would the brothers trade recipes instead of sword blows? Would Iole go back to Anteos and his valley, because she finally realizes Herc is just a grouchy jerk? Would Ulesses be angry because he missed out on chasing around all those nymphs? And finally, would Onfale, ever run out of cabana boys to mount in her trophy room?
What if Michael, Margaret, and Debbie escaped Torgo and The Master? Also what if John Reynolds were still alive today?
What if Michael had stopped to ask for directions or even *read the friggin’ map?* :shock:
What if Dr. Paul Steiner’s “projecting” experiment had been a success? Steiner and his colleagues receive world renown for their ability to project wrist watches and small animals across and average size rooms. Blanchard and Latham are ruined for some reason (I never really understood what their motives were). Steiner marries the lovely Sheila and they have three orange-haired bundles of joy.
Best of all: Lembach decides to stay!!!
What if Lisa of Time Chasers fame had joined Bob Evels firm as pr supervisor.
She uncovers his plot and leads clueless Nick in a hostile takeover (by following
Pink Boy’s idea) going back 100 years and depositing 10 dollars and using the accrued
interest to oust Bob E. She then uses her wealth and power to buy out the Shopping
News and eventually Rupert Murdoch’s conglomerate empire. Sadly, her drive to dominate
all of time and space hits a speedbump when she heavily invests in maple syrup processing
and plaid designer jeans and recruits a chastised Bob Evel to get the military to play
around with the future to recoop her empire so, OMG!, it’s 12 Monkeys time and the
future of all of civilizations hangs on Nick teaming up with lesbians of the future
to rescue the continuum. Tune in next week same time, same station (not really).
What if Violet received proper attention from her parents? I think it is safe to say that she would never have joined the Peggy Noonan gang and gotten into the clutches of the evil COMMUNIST Gloria. She probay would have gone to college and become a reporter or heir to the newspaper (of course that’s how Patty Hearst got started and….well, you know.)
What if Vi hadn’t fallen off the lighthouse? Not only would we be spared the phrase “Tom Stewart killed me” but I imagine they would probably keep committing crimes. That actually wouldn’t be good…
What if Michael and his family never stopped at the Valley Lodge? The cult would carry on, The Master would live out his years until his death and Torgobwould turn the lodge to a quaint b&b, serving wonderful continental breakfast (kind of like a demented Newhart.)
What if….Buzz had decided he was really more interested in shop as opposed to music? Instead of Mr B Natural, would he have been visited by Coily the Spring Sprite? Or maybe Ms Cindy Circular-Saw?
Better yet, what if Tor Johnson was a master thespian? Might we be seeing Beast of Yucca Flats and Plan 9 from Outer Space in the same light as Rebel Without a Cause or A Streetcar Named Desire?
What if that boat hadn’t dropped the chemical waste into the sound and the hot dog monsters hadn’t been formed? We could have a movie about Tina’s descent from party girl to hooker a la “Like A Rolling Stone.” Maybe Dylan could have done the soundtrack instead of the Del Aires. And, of course, the movie would have been called the “Whore of Party Beach.”
Castle of Fu Manchu: What if Harry Alan Towers didn’t produce the film? Whose name would Servo be singing then?
Warrior of the Lost World: What if The Rider didn’t have his driver’s license before the world was taken over? They actually did wonder that and made it a host segment if I remember right.
Laserblast: What if it was Billy Duncan who killed the aliens, and not the other way around? Maybe nothing else could have stopped him at that point.
Blood Waters of Doctor Z: What if Zaat had successfully turned either of those women into walking catfish like himself? How quickly would it take them to reproduce?
I saw “Laserblast” again not long ago, leading to this question: what if the aliens had taken the zap gun with them, or simply destroyed it, at the beginning? Yes, Billy would still be a bullied slacker with a girlfriend who was too nice for him, but he’d still be alive. That’d be a good thing, right?
Or, for “Village of the Giants”, what if Tommy Kirk and the townsfolk didn’t just let the Beau Bridges gang walk away at the end? Can you imagine the media circus the trial would turn into? And I can just see Bill Kunstler trying to defend the punks with, “They were engaging in a legitimate act of protest against our corrupt Establishment when they ingested a new chemical, grew to titanic size, and threatened to kill innocent people.”
What if Michael and family in Manos had instead of turning down the road that went nowhere, crossed the border to Mexico. They could then have a nice lunch and some stoplight candy. Maybe take some pictures of the scenery and then go home with nice memories. Couldn’t have been any worse as a movie.
What if Tang and Linda were not marooned on the planet later dubbed “Earth”?
Speaking of “Marooned” what if the rockets worked to send the crew back to Earth? What if the Russian craft came by much earlier before Jim Pruett’s ultimate sacrifice?
What if things went smoothly for the archaeological team in Werewolf? What if they were able to present that yanaglanche skeleton to National Geographic? Would it have taken the science community by storm or would it have only been worthy of the cover of Weekly World News? Come to think of it, Yuri was right to try and make a “modern, man-made werewolf.” There was definitely more research to be done, but under controlled conditions, rather seducing a security guard and giving him “essence of werewolf”.
What if in “The Painted Hills” Frank Blake, Tommy’s father and Martha’s husband, hadn’t died? Taylor probably never would have gotten involved with the claim, never would have gotten the gold fever, and never would have killed Jonathan, thus fueling Lassie’s revenge plot. Of course, the same thing could have happened with Frank, but that would mean Frank would at least think about killing his own son. That’s a tad too dark for a Lassie movie, even more than how it was. Maybe some other outsider could come in and try to take over instead. Probably not Pile-On Pete, though, because he’s too holy.
Imagine Frankfrankchapman in The Phantom Planet doesn’t leave the mini planet (and you thought
Pluto was a dwarf planet, eh?) at the end of the movie and tries to make time with both of the
available women on the planet (btw, lovemaking on a marble slab—think about it, won’t you).
Moses finds out about it and Frankfrankchapman has to have his Luca Brasi (Herron) whack him so
he can take over the family business. He severely punishes a Herron now intent on taking down the king by making him marry the spoiled blond. FFC then forms an alliance with the Solarites (now led by Richard Kiel’s ticked
off grandson) to invade and take over the moon to give their peoples more Lebensraum. Then…
What if Billy in Laserblast had really been listening to the Dixie Dregs and he kept driving to listen to the long version on his 8-track- and decided to leave town and hang out with the lucid Dennis Hopper guy and star in Corvette Summer? It would have been tougher than poolside sheetcake to film the movie, and, Dr. F would have chosen “Equinox” as his final experiment.
This is a really great question! I thought of a number of ideas that I’ll post individually.
My first thought was Space Mutiny – lots of “what ifs” that could be interesting for the plot of this one, but the big one is: what if Ryder had also died in the crash that killed the professor near the beginning? Aside from losing out on a number of great riffs from M&tB, it seems to me that Kalgan would have won. Unless someone else already aboard the Southern Sun was able to rise to the occasion and defeat them. Perhaps the Bellarians would have needed to hypnotize/seduce one of those hapless enforcers into making their predictions come true?
Bra-vo. Somebody attended Crow’s screenwriters’ workshop.
Overdrawn At The Memory Bank – what if Fingal had been interested in really bad movies instead? Such as, say, the low-grade, low-quality fare that MST3K themselves generally feasted upon? Just think how much the “Matrix” scenes would have been different – perhaps the final showdown between Fingal and the Chairman have taken the form of a chauvinistic scientist defeating a giant praying mantis? Or a whiny kid sort-of helping to defeat a horde of hobgoblins?
Speaking of Hobgoblins – what if Old Security Guard guy had just blown them up all those years ago, instead of wasting his life guarding them before finally blowing them up anyway? I suppose the movie would have turned instead into the seedy story of Pink Shorts Boy being lured to Club Scum by Leopard Spandex Lady, where his friends would have to go rescue him. (This also probably means we’d have needed to suffer thru more cringe-worthy dialogue and antics from Skull Woman and Army Guy, so perhaps we dodged a bullet here.)
Pod People idea #1 – What if Producer Guy (Brian) and his girlfriend (Cathy) hadn’t convinced Sharon not to dump Rick (aka Unlikable Singer Guy) after seeing that Laura (aka Pocahontas) had invited herself along on their weekend trip? With no one to get between her and Rick, Laura wouldn’t have run into the woods (nobody to throw coffee in her face), and thus they’d have nothing motivating them to become involved with Tommy’s family. Perhaps Evil Trumpy would have simply picked them off one by one, horror-movie style?
Meanwhile, with no visitors to distract his mother from noticing how much food was disappearing, Tommy’s attempts to hide Baby Trumpy would have failed much sooner, resulting in a very different plot progression there – perhaps more like the E.T. movie they allegedly wanted to
rip offpay homage to. And then the poachers, trying to escape Evil Trumpy’s murderous rampage, attempt to take refuge with Tommy’s family – creating further tension over the presence of Baby Trumpy, especially once the poachers discover his presence. Perhaps eventually Baby Trumpy overcomes them with his whimsical charm? (“Trumpy, you can do magic things!”) Or perhaps the ending plays out mostly the same, only with the poachers being killed and nobody from Tommy’s family dying?What if… Merlin’s Shop Of Mystical Wonder featured Ernest Borgnine telling his grandson the story of how he met and married Ethel Merman. Yikes!
Pod People idea #2 – What if Evil Trumpy was one of the last survivors of a genocidal war, forced to flee her home planet with her race’s last surviving eggs to populate a new world?
Just think of her rollercoaster of emotions – crash landing onto Earth, losing all of her fellow crew members and fearing that all of the eggs she’d been charged with protecting had been destroyed. Then, a flood of relief and thanksgiving to see that the eggs, while scattered from their protective chamber, were mostly unharmed despite the crash landing. And suddenly, fury, anguish and despair as she’s forced to witness the eggs being thoughtlessly destroyed by one of the inhabitants of this planet – too weak and injured from the crash to stop their destruction before all hope for her race’s survival had been crushed.
This would have provided a clear motivation for her murderous campaign of vengeance against humanity – seeing us as merely perpetuating the cycle of genocidal violence she’d hoped to escape. It would have invited us to at least understand her actions, even if ultimately she still had to be killed at the end to provide closure for the movie.
Puma Man – Following from Crow’s observation, what if Vadinho had *really* been allowed to be the hero of the movie?
Instead of Tony’s Puma Man being the focus, making him just a part of Vadinho’s overall character arc. Similar to the sudden death of [a certain character] partway thru the Mystery Men movie, the death of the promised Puma Man halfway thru the film would have shaken audience expectations and prompted a crisis of faith for Vadinho, eventually leading him to recognize his own potential in defeating the villains on his own. And at the end of the movie, we get a scene where the gods speak directly to Vadinho and justify their use of misleading prophecies (from the Obi-Wan school of “true, from a certain point of view”) to motivate him to fulfill his own destiny as the *true* Puma Man.
what if it had been Canada not Russia invading in ‘Invasion USA?’ Stanley Cup here were come! What if Lt. Mitsou discovered a centuries old Maltese law stating that fat sweaty Texas sheriffs can get the death penalty for asking for Maalox?
What if Soup were a biped?
What if Space Mutiny would have focused on that dead girl that they gave another chance too (wasn’t that nice)? Would she have turned evil ala Pet Semetetary or the Lazarus Effect? Or would she simply stay an 80s kinda gal, working on a space ark?
What if Coleman Francis had never said “Flag on the Moon.”? ;-)
What if Big Dave Walker in ‘Attack of the Giant Leeches” got hungry while chasing Liz and Cal through the swamp and ate them? No evidence Dave! No need to hang yourself.
What if Jane in ‘Teenage Crime Wave’ joined forces with thugs Mike and Terry. While Jane would distract the tellers posing in her swimsuit, Mike and Terry could clean out the cash boxes.
Or more importantly…what if Gene Roth (cranky sheriff, cranky conductor, cranky lunch stand cook) was really Merritt Stone?!?
What if Melissa Strickland had just let her witch sister be burned at the stake? Jody could have had a picnic without interruption and the fish could have remained uninvolved.
Horror Of Party Beach: What if Elaine hadn’t been dubbed?
Prince Of Space: What if your weapons WEREN’T useless against him?
What if Megaweapon had prevailed? (is…. is there something in my eye…?)
What if Coleman Francis made a *fourth* movie?
What if a certain fertilizer salesman had gotten a full Hollywood budget, and use of major facilities?
What if in ‘King Dinosaur’, NASA hadn’t hired emotionally unstable scientists? Ones who don’t rip up valuable photos and nuke islands full of dinosaurs that they actually were able to escape from?
What if they’d looked?
In “Invasion U.S.A.”, what if Ohman had hypnotized the others into thinking America won the war against the Russians? Instead of deciding to place their businesses and lives under the control of the U.S. government, they’d decide that our military and intelligence services are doing quite well, thank you. They’d walk away with new confidence that, should an enemy try to move against us, we’d be fully prepared to respond in defense of our homes and citizens.
Or, if you want to really flip things, what if Ohman had hypnotized a group of Russian citizens that they’d lose a war against the Americans? Since they’ve already placed their businesses and lives under the control of the State, they might walk away thinking that they need to use more individual effort. Instead of being just obedient drones, they need more freedom in order to effectively protect the Motherland from the decadent Yankees.
What if Jimmy didn’t accuse his parents and took some damn responsibility for his own actions rather than lie and blame his folks for everything?
Three things come to mind:
1. Torgo would be more recognizably portrayed as a satyr, if that was the original intent. Maybe even a human-to-satyr transformation, and one back again.
2. We’d have a big F/X scene as Michael battles Manos.
3. With major studio budgets come lotsa scrutiny. I think there’d be many people balking at the fate of the daughter, and, to a lesser extent, the mom. Remember the bots’ reactions to that part of the twist ending? That’s how I’d imagine the focus groups would sound like. Almost any other fate to befall them — including death — would be less dark. Michael can get turned into the Master’s slave, but his daughter? Ick!
Meanwhile, you all are missing the biggest what-if of them all:
What if Joel had been out sick or injured from one of the Mads’ other experiments and Happy Temp Mike was around when they were ready to launch someone into space? How (or even if!) Mike would have survived without his robot pals? Would Joel then return to work and, either instead of bringing Mike down or because he could not find a way, talk Mike through making robot companions because that’s what he’d do if he were up there?
What if the writers of “Riding with Death” (or “Gemini Man,” whichever one) actually came up with situations that required the hero to become invisible? I mean, you have a hero with a cliched-but-cool superpower with a built-in limitation of “15 minutes or he dies,” and yet the situations he’s placed in are ones that could be handled by an average trucker. The only reason he needs to become invisible is because he gets cornered by thugs, and every time he’s done in a minute. Why not have him infiltrating secret bases and stealing enemy plans? Show him needing to find a way to get in and out, and finding hiding places to rematerialize so he doesn’t end up dead. Maybe if the agency that Sam Casey worked for realized what a powerful asset they had, the show would have lasted more than five episodes and a TV movie.