Me, I think I would find Larry Buchanan, the director of “ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES” and say one word: “care.”
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Weekend Discussion Thread: What Would You Say to MSTed Movie People?Alert regular Steve sent a suggestion that I am going to bounce off of for this weekend’s question: If you could jump into a time machine and visit anyone involved in any MSTed movie while they were making it, what would you say to him or her? Don’t worry if your comment might make the movie less funny.
59 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: What Would You Say to MSTed Movie People?”Commenting at Satellite News
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I would find Peter Breck in any of his MSTed movies and tell him to tone it down.
I would travel to Japan and tell Eijiro Wakabayashi, Director of Prince of Space, to provide the Chicken men of Krankor with undergarments PLEASE!
I’d ask Betty Luster from “Mr. B Natural”, man or a woman?
I’d go back to Space Mutiny and suggest that they shouldn’t film the interior of a space ship in an old factory…
Commenting to MSTied directors with one word seems like a smart move. I’m sure any more than that would confuse some of them.
So, to Hobgoblins director Rick Sloane: “Nope!”
I ask a question actually of the people who mashed together the Mighty Jack episodes into a movie or the people who translated Humaniod Woman: In your version of the story, what the Sam scratch is going on????
I’d tell Mikey from ‘Teenage Strangler’ “I’m probably wasting my time assuming you are remotely interested in girls. but in the event that you are, please, please, never,ever,ever,never, never reproduce.”
I would ask Hal Warren if I could have a part in his movie, even as an extra. It would be amazing to he forever recognized as “that guy” from Manos, The Hands Of Fate.
I’d go back to Space Mutiny, too, but I’d tell Cissy to tone down the makeup and lose the grandma hairstyle, and then maybe people wouldn’t be mistaking her for Beef HardCheese’s mother.
The best answer EVER to this question, though, had to be in a similar but not identical WDT a year and a half ago. I’ve never forgotten it. #18 here: https://www.mst3kinfo.com/?p=15193
So my second answer, which isn’t funny at all, would be to go to the set of Marooned and say to James Franciscus, “You’re an incredibly talented actor and I selfishly admit I’ve had a crush on you since I was a teenager. But for your sake and for the sake of your four daughters, please stop smoking. If you don’t, it will kill you before you’re 60.”
To the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont: Please don’t petition MST3K to use your film. You made a film, be proud of that. You need not do anything more.
I’d tell Ed Wood that one little retake (or two, or three, or twenty) can’t hurt any.
I would find Tony Cardoza on the set of The Skydivers before the shooting of the pivotal scene in which he reads from the letter, and I would say: “EMOTE!”
I would tell Hal Warren, “I got a fever, and the only prescription is more TORGO!” 8-)
I would ask Coleman Francis….. Flag on the moon. How did it get there?
I would try to find Raul Julia just before he agreed to do Overdrawn at the Memory Bank and suggest that he read the script before signing any contracts. Come to think of it, I would probably offer the same advice to Daisy the baboon. To the rest of the cast, you’re on your own.
John Carradine: Are you really trying for some kind of world record on how many films you can appear in?
I would tell Henry Krasker from ‘The Dead Talk Back’ to take his act to the History Channel. They’d give him a show in a second.
I would visit Lugosi on the set of “Bride of the Monster” just to reassure him: “Your legacy as a film icon will endure despite all this.” Then, as long as I was there, I might just ask Ed: “So, um… anything I can do to help? Please.”
I would tell the director of “Devil Fish” to have the guy who jumps down the ship’s stairway to WEAR LONG PANTS!!!!
During production of “The Projected Man”, I’d disguise myself as a crew person and hit on Tracy Crisp.
For “The Creeping Terror”, I’d ask if I could be one of the crew people inside the carpet monster, and see if it really would “make a cool fort”.
I’d ask the director of The Castle of Fu Manchu: “The hell?”.
And: “Do you realize the harm this film is doing to the psychies of small, rotund robots?”
I would find the mama bear whose cubs were taken by Ross in Catching Trouble and say “Follow me to Ross’ compound”. Then I would sit back and watch her recreate the last act of Gorgo (with Ross and his Indian guide standing in for Big Ben).
“Great job!”
I would travel to 1966 and to the set of MANOS and have a good long talk with John “Torgo” Reynolds. He suffered from severe depression, which is what led to him taking his own life in Oct. of ’66, and I would hope by talking to him (and possibly bringing him medication) and explaining how, “no man, in, like, 30 years, this movie will make you a star and you will have global adoration of countless fans, you should stick around and check all that out,” maybe he could hold out a little longer and NOT make the decision to end his own life. I mean, the odds of that working are fairly slim, as depression is a helluva mental illness, but I’ve often wondered what it would be like for Reynolds if he was still alive to see Torgo’s ascent into pop-culture status…
So yeah, unbelievably, I would use my MST time travel machine to go Texas. (I’m taking one for the team here, folks.)
I think the phrase “STOP IT! JUST, PLEASE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, STOP!” would come up frequently…
I would ask Coleman Francis for his autograph.
I’d go back to the set of Deathstalker and explain to Christoper Thom why emulating Shatner is NOT a good idea.
I would tell Creepy Girl (from Catalina Caper) “You make this movie kinda watchable.”
I’d have two words of advice for Coleman Francis that could be used for any of his movies: Continuity, please!
I would go to the Manos set with every intention of saying something like “Please don’t!” or “What are you THINKING???” or “You really might want to rethink this thing!” or “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!”
Then I would think of how much I was knocked out by the MST3K episode that riffed Manos, especially the first time it ever aired. The bots tormented by the endless driving scene at the start, the Mads each apologizing to J&TB for the movie…
Then, by the time I’d have arrived at the set, all I’d say to them was “Keep up the good work!”
…..also, “What have I done?!”, but not to them.
I’d go back in time to the editing of Invasion of the Neptune Men and tell them it might not be a good idea to include the stock footage of the Hitler building explosion.
Unfortunately, I don’t speak Japanese, so I’d probably just be escorted out by some nice security guards.
That time machine can bring you back from anywhere, even, say, a jail cell, right? You don’t have to get back to where you came in, right guys? Guys?
I would tell Joe Don Baker on the Mitchell set to find ways to utilize the baby oil even more. Your fans will appreciate it. (Sorry, I’m a sucker for pain from bad movies.)
I would visit the set of BOGGY CREEK II and implore Charles B. Pierce… “Longer, looser shorts”.
I’d tell the editors of Time Chasers to fix the seam in the split screen with the two Nicks. I don’t know, maybe shoot one side of the scene on the same day as the other side? Just a thought.
To #33
Along with longer shorts, I would also encourage less eyeliner on the girls so they don’t look like they’re looking through a charred log.
As a sever depressive myself I hear you loud and clear #24 Watch-out-for-Snakes. Also tell him to wear the knee prosthetic right so it doesn’t cripple him, or better yet just stuff the knees of the pants with newspapers or rags. The effect would have been the same.
And to Tim in Boggy Creek II. Put on your shirt!
I would tell the cop from Laserblast, “YEAH!”
I would ask Tor Johnson from Bride of the Monster how did he succeed on his first try when Bela never could..
I would ask the Angels where they got their jumpsuits at and if they got a discount…
I would ask Torgo how does he know there’s no way out of here….
I would suggest to Coleman Francis to have your actors speak with them facing the camera(regarding Beast of Yucca Flats) and would then ask him who was the one that killed the girl at the beginning..
I would ask Tony Zarandast how can a werewolf drive a car and why did you hire Adrianna Miles to be your movie…
Really, ANYbody could go back in time to ANY of the directors of the MST3K movies and said “I beg of you to think this over.”
But then there wouldn’t have been need for mst3k!
Here is a final thought on this discussion:
I would go back and tell the director of “Agent for H.A.R.M.” to do SOMETHING besides calling the archery competition in Vienna. :-D :struggle:
Here is a final thought on this discussion:
I would go back and tell the director of “Agent for H.A.R.M.” to do SOMETHING besides calling the archery competition in Vienna. :-D :struggle:
I would dare the guys who wrote “Laserblast” to explain who was the guy in the suit who kept telling the cops to seal off the city, and the real reason Mom left Billy alone to go to Acapulco
I’d also ask the producers of “Sidehackers” how they expect sidehacking to be a mainstream sport
I would travel back to 1984 (give myself plenty of time) and beg Barry Bergthorson, cinematographer of American Playhouse’s Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, beg on BENDED KNEE! to please, please use actual film (8mm, 35mm, 70 mm, I don’t care). Maybe I’d argue that the videotape distracts so much from what is actually a pretty good story, and that PBS viewers could overlook the weird names and futuristic-for-the-mid-80s clothing and monstrous field trip children but NOT VHS.
I’m guessing he’d shrug and say, gamely, “Okay, eh.”
I would go back in time to tell Christopher Lee:
“Fu Man Chu? Come on Chris, you are better than this. You are going to be in both Star Wars AND LOTR. You are going to be TWO action figures. Please pass on this film!”
I’d go to the outdoor set of The Skydivers and keep referring to “Petey the Plane”, to the (further) confusion of everyone there.
If Walter George Alton had a headache, I’d ask him if he was sensing danger.
I would visit the SEVERAL editors of Space Mutiny and tell them to DO THEIR JOB — or at least sack the person in charge of “Continuity,” because a character who gets killed off should NOT reappear later in the film!
I would visit Alison Hayes on the set of any of her movies and say, “hubba hubba”!
And, anytime you want a zipper, honey, you can have one!
RE 46
And don’t forget about all the stock footage. Ask the Space Mutiny editors how they could possibly think no one would recognize all that Battlestar Galactica footage! George Lucas is notorious for threatening to sue anyone who even looks like they might have stolen his concept (and Glen Larson is no slouch in that department, I understand) – I mean, how precisely did you think you could get away with this?
(Well, I suppose they did. After all, there’s no record of anyone destroying the footage of the film, so, to paraphrase Servo: “As always, guys, well done!”)
I would find the people responsible for Monster A Go-Go and attempt to explain to them the importance of having an actual ending. I don’t think they would listen though.
I would go to the “Eegah” set and ask Arch Hall Jr. why he was singing about Vickie and Valerie when his girlfriend was named Roxy.