While watching ESPN this morning, there was a brief segment on retired NFL star Brett Favre’s new look. Although only 44, he’s currently sporting a very thick, very white beard. All I could think of when I saw his picture was Cameron Mitchell’s Santa look in Space Mutiny, further evidence that MST3K rules my life.
So…. WDT idea: Epic (or Epically Bad) Facial Hair in a MSTed Movie
My choices would be (1) for over-the-top supernatural facial hair, Michael Landon in “I Was a Teenage Werewolf,” (2) for just plain ugly, that Abraham Lincoln-ish spy in “Danger!! Death Ray!” and his lame chinstrap, and (3) for perfectly appropriate, the ventriloquist in “Devil Doll” with his lush yet creepy and almost pointed beard (“Mephistopheles goes uptown!”).
I’d pick Voldar from SCCTM. (“Pack your other mustache!”) Too bad we can’t pick the lady with the Rollie Fingers ‘stache in “Planet of Dinosaurs!”
Have at it!
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The beard on “Fidel Castro” in Red Zone Cuba.
“Get real beard…” – Crow T. Robot
Abe Lincoln as ‘Time Cop’ from Danger! Death Ray! ba-pa-dada-dada
I’ll nominate Torgo with wispy beard and tumble weed eyebrow(s) smashed into a window pane.
For the female I’ll nominate Maya from Space 1999. Sort of like Michael Jacksons dad’s eyebrows.,
I believe Mike sported a mustache, though only briefly.
Claudius in Hamlet.
@DerekLap (#4)
You can’t mention that without mentioning the most epic facial hair that was Crow’s mustache (and the epic fail which was Tom’s…)
Colonel Sanders-San from one of the Godzilla movies (or maybe Gamera, not sure).
Since today marks the anniversary it was reviewed, I will go with the patrolman in “Laserblast.” I have known many cops in my time and none of them had that level of stereotypical redneck beard. It did make for the apt comparisons to Hank WIlliams, Jr and “Are You Ready for some football??!!??. However, no patrolman ever looked like Bocephus.
My second choice would be werewolf, for whatever that was (I sill hysterically laugh at the “Fruit Brute” comment.)
My third option would be the bad guy from “Cave Dwellers.” When in doubt, paste in a fu-manchu and voila, instant heel.
Merlin for epic
pitch for creepy
honorable mention to Joel’s goatee, sorry Joel it was not a good look for you…
I agree about Merlin’s disturbing facial hair, in any movie. It’s bad in Santa Claus, when Mr. Merlin is galumphing around trying to organize a rescue. It’s awful in Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders, where whole colonies of gnomes could be hanging out in that thing, plotting the downfall of mankind.
For women and their eyebrows, I choose Queen Omphale from Hercules Unchained. Those were some seriously unsettling eyebrows.
(But I don’t agree about Joel and his goatee, Big61al – I kind of liked it.)
Real facial hair can look unfortunate, but the worst is obviously fake facial hair that no one seems to notice, id est, the “soup waiter” bit from Wild Wild World of Batwoman…
@#2 — Ding!
The beard that Roxie “shaves” off Eegah…
AHHH!!! That’s not a tongue, it’s a muskie leech!!!!
*shudder*
Normally, I :inlove: facial hair on men, but the worst in my mind is Richard Kiel’s fake beard in “Eegah!” Like Joel said while Roxy was “shaving” him, “Just get the string that hold that beard on!” :pain:
No contest. The crape paper beard of the Great Vorelli in “Devil Doll,” it was so bad he was reapplying glue to it, in one of the scenes.
Honorable mention: ‘Fidel Castro’ in “Red Zone Cuba.” Anthony Cardoza as Fidel: “….get real beard.”
It’s tempting to say “every ape character in ‘Time of the Apes'”, since they’re all sporting incredibly cheap face masks and fake hair, but if I had to choose one, it would be Pepe. “A woodchuck that got nailed by a splat ball” is an apt description by Servo. A close runner-up would be “The Commander”, who does indeed look like Colonel Sanders after a grease fire.
A beard without a mustache is rarely a good look, and we saw quite a bit of it on MST. Some have been mentioned, but here are others that come to mind: C. Everett Coop’s children in ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,’ Robert Bork struggling to make ends meet in ‘Werewolf,’ the wizard no good with maps in ‘Delta Knights,’ and T-Rex expert Deets (a.k.a. Brigham Young) in ‘Track of the Moon Beast.’
Special shout-outs to Sam the Keeper and Crenshaw for doing it right.
And while we’re on the subject, I agree that in ‘San Francisco International,’ David Hartman needed more facial hair, less face.
I’d have to go with Baydool’s (David Warner) fake beard worn in Quest of the Delta Knights. Epically bad, even for a fakey.
-Also, Sam the Keeper in Werewolf has a fairly epic mountain man beard.
–Also-also, Zor, the bad guy from Cave Dwellers, has a very bad mustache (his wig ain’t too hot either).
=
As for best facial hair,
I’d have to say Lee Van Cleef’s ‘stache in Master Ninja I & II is fairly great.
Bela Lugosi also sported a magnificently bad, fakey-looking beard for the beginning of The Phantom Creeps.
@#17: Agreed, beards without mustaches are almost always a bad idea. If I can reach a bit beyond MST3K, there’s lots of really bad late-70s facial hair in “The Alien Factor”, memorably riffed by Cinematic Titanic. My favorite example is the guy with the beard but no mustache who gets killed in his backyard and has his lifeforce drained by the invisible alien. As Trace says, “even the Amish don’t think that beard is cool.”
Agree that Joel’s facial hair was not a winner.
But Banjo’s minimalist beard and mustache in Wild Rebels
is less than inspired.
Paul’s Warwilf facial hair, followed closely by the skeezy nightclub owner/drug dealer/villain in The Girl in Gold Boots.
I’ll have to add to the avalanche of votes for the werewolves in WEREWOLF. Paul looked like someone dumped a bucket of water on Brian Setzer.
Also have to agree about Boldar’s ridiculous mustache in SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. He looks like he’s trying to look like a porn star.
And, sadly, have to agree about Joel’s goatee. Look, he’s cool enough already. He doesn’t have to go out and try to actually do the beatnik look. I’m scared if it had gone on, he would’ve eventually had a beret, sunglasses, an ascot, and a cigarette holder. (Of course, now that he’s a bit older, maybe he can carry it off…)
All of the hunchback fairy’s helpers in “Jack Frost”, but I guess they were supposed to look like crazed forest-dwelling thieves.
Let’s take a look at the Warrior of the Lost World, Eegah, and Ed Platt in The Rebel Set as being prime examples of bad facial hair, real or otherwise.
The crappy disguise mustaches from ‘Wild World Of Batwoman’
Derek’s dad, Our Leader, in Teenagers From Outer Space.
Neil Connery’s in Operation Double 007.
#18 Yes! Lee Van Cleef could really pull off a mustache. Epic for him.
Epically bad: I think it’s that THING under the nose of the Phantom of Krankor in “Prince of Space.” I wonder if someone just found a bad fake mustache and applied it upside down.
I am going to play loose with the rules and say the beard from “What’s up Tiger Lilly” line- “my mustache is going to eat your beard”.
The Hobgoblins had to have had crappy facial hair since everything else about them was crappy.
ALEXANDER PHIPPS in “Young Man’s Fancy” because he had to use Judy’s father’s razor during his cozy time with Bob in the electric bathroom. At least there was plenty of hot water what with Alex staying under for quite a long time.
I don’t know about worst, but the best is Crow’s mustache from the “Why don’t they look?” sketch.
Dr. Bellew (sp?) from Bloodlust who “looks like a sockeye salmon about to spawn.”
The fake facial hair from the bumbling trio in Wild world of Batwoman is pretty pathetic. Even the Ritz brothers are better.
“Is this Love?” As embarrassed as you’ve been about your own dad, imagine going into a Jewish deli with that?!
Jonathon’s beard in Lassie: The Painted Hills is pretty overwhelming and not in a good way.
Deputy Pete’s facial hair in Laserblast is a mess, but he is ready for some football.
The best has to be Crow portraying Jerry Garcia.
As #13 already said Richard Kiel’s beard in Eegah. It looks like some previously undiscovered form of life hanging from his chin.
3 Words: Arch Hall Jr.
@Black Doug it never fails to amaze me how much Crow resembles the “why don’t they look” guy with nothing more than an engineer’s hat, overalls, and a literal pencil mustache.
Gotta go with Mike as James Lipton. Real cheesy there. And he DIDN’T smell like apples!
And Mick from Squirm…..Oh that’s right, he couldn’t even force out a chest hair.
All facial hair must bow to the greatness of Dr. Mellow Ski Bum.
Gotta agree with Crow’s epic Jerry beard being the best for Joel/Mike and the ‘bots. For worst, when they dressed as the Armenian mobsters from Girl in Gold Boots.
In a movie, I think that Phantom of Krankor’s was particularly bad. Best facial hair would be Torgo’s appropriate crazy beard.
Sargent Ward’s cookie duster in “It Lives By Night”.
Great Riff…..”All he needs is a feather boa.”
I’m afraid I would have to disqualify the Great Vorelli, considering his beard was canonically a prosthetic, and suggest in ascending order of horrible:
(DIS)honorable mentions:
Adam West: “Zombie Nightmare”
Captain Joe: “Fugitive Alien I/II”
Dr. Leon Krasker: “The Dead Talk Back”
Dr. Albert Balleau: “Bloodlust!”
The really real Fidel Castro: “Red Zone Cuba”
Lumpy Sheriff: “Laserblast”
Dan Kesler: “The Giant Spider Invasion”
Phantom Dictator of Krankor: “Prince of Space”
Mike Pipper: “The Final Sacrifice”
Stray observations made while compiling my list:
–Literally nobody in “Robot Holocaust” has facial hair. Post apocalyptic hell-scape, sure, but still plenty of razors around, I guess? At least the Paper Chase Guy looked like he oughta (minus a few pounds, obviously).
–No one in Mole People has facial hair except Elinu (Alan Napier) and by Ishtar, it is an atrocious wispy affair. I didn’t even realize it was supposed to be growing out of his face until closer inspection.
–Zap Rowsdower transcends this discussion.
Any facial hair is the worst facial hair.
Hi, I’m cool clothes, but I do not have your size , so go frak
torgo. end of debate.
or the Great Verelli…
Trumpy was pretty bad.
actually, i’m going to exempt myself from this discussion.
Re: Boldar (Voldar?) from SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. Now I know who he reminds me of! Lee Hazelwood!
I definitely nominate Vorelli’s fake beard from “Devil Doll”.