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Weekend Discussion Thread: Lamest Leading LLLLady in a MSTed MovieWe’ve done “Lamest hero in a MSTed movie” but we’ve never really turned our attention to the “fairer sex.”
Who’s the most ridiculous female character in a MSTed movie? I’m going to have to go with the lady astronauts in “King Dinosaur.” They achieve nothing and are simply ballast for the entire movie. What’s your pick? Keep those discussion thread ideas coming! 62 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Lamest Leading LLLLady in a MSTed Movie”Commenting at Satellite News
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Hands down, Valeria from ROBOT HOLOCAUST.
She never completed any assignments, hung out in the orgasmatron too much, wore the strangest outfits with feather boas as hats and spoke in a decidedly odd manner.
I hate the “biker trilogy” and everyone involved, so my first thought is that “Wild Rebel” Linda. This woman is shaking off the repressive world and living for kicks…with Jeter, Banjo and Fats. Really, Linda? These leather clad Three Sociopathic Stooges are the only people who can bring you these kicks? Just think back to the scene where she flirts with the gun shop owner. I don’t care how much stolen perfume she bathed in, she still must stink of the shack she shares with Banjo. BANJO, people. Ain’t no kicks I know reek that bad.
Appollonia from Overdrawn at the Memory Bank. Mostly she sits around watching our equally lame leading man screw around, occasionally giving him counterproductive “help”.
I am to be thinking that Natalie from ‘Warwilf’ is be winning the title. OK. so she’s an archaeologist who really couldn’t get a clue until it’s passed her by and sent her a post card weeks later. she speaks 3 languages, all in the same sentence. and the less said about her pool game the better.
How about the leading lady in “Mitchell”? She certainly underwent the ultimate humiliation.
PS. Nice to see that Gender Mainstreaming finally made it to Satellite News…
The blonde German gal from Killer Shrews…nice accent “kiwwer schwoos”
It’s gotta be the lady from “Track of the Moon Beast.” Four words: “Moon rock? Oh, wow!”
How about any of the female characters in The STARFIGHTERS – especially the de-tasseling expert.
I suggest Martha, the INPIT agent in Zaat! (i. e. TBWoDZ). The highlight
of her accomplishments seems to be taking dictation from the Nazi (alright,
German) getting backstory on the Giant Catfish guy). She then ineffectually
tries to evade Dr. Z, instantly faints (and as Crow observes, when she faints
she FAINTS), and after being only lightly roasted or baked in the fishtank
wanders into the sea physically unchanged (does she have invisible gills?)
to find that apparently hunky Catfish scientist). I’ve begun to see this
movie as worse then Manos, at least Manos has bizarre characters and plot,
is there even one likeable character in TBWoDZ)? Btw, the movie badly
fails the Bechtel Test.
Any woman in a Coleman Francis film. Drab, lifeless, possessing no sense of self-worth whatsoever. Hey, that also describes the movies themselves… So in a sense, the women in a Colemen Francis film are the very embodiment OF that film….
Jane Dobson of Puma Man (and- this is the month we get our high quality release)- while she looks tough and sexy in her S&M outfit, she falls under the spell of a bitter bald man bent on world conquest, flirts with a clueless Puma puss, and, defiles Puma power by offering to bop in the air. Nice teeth though.
My choice would be Elaine, the “Dubutante” from The Horror of Party Beach. She goes out to look for the monsters in Fingal’s Quarry dressed inappropriately, and instantly gets her foot jammed under a rock (HOW???!!!). And she’s so badly dubbed that her lines seem to float in front of her. It’s too bad she couldn’t have switched roles with Tina – that actress might have made a more convincing leading lady. Heck, at least she could talk for herself.
April, the lead teacher in Angel’s Revenge. Most every one of the her lines seems like she wandered onto the set and someone decided to cast her as the lead. Granted, none of the women are great (although I always liked the Terry the Stuntwoman for some reason).
To the contrary, the more I watch “Space Mutiny,” the more I kind of enjoy Grandmother Lea. Yes, the actress looks about 20 years too old to be playing the youthful daughter of Captain Santa (and if the two leads are married in real life, I’ll chalk some of that up to bad makeup and the unfortunate wardrobe), but the actress at least looks like she’s having fun in this cheese-fest. You compare that to any of the leads in the Angel’s Revenge or Natlie in Werewolf, and she’s at least trying.
#13 And Grandmum Lea comes across to better effect in one of
the Porky’s movies. No idea which one, just saw clips of her, ah,
acting.
I’m surprised nobody’s said Kathy Ireland in Alien From L.A. yet.
How about the leading lady in Gorgo? ;)
I would have to say any of the women in MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE or Roxy in EEGHA!!
Abby from Riding with Death!
She’s lame enough in the first half (i.e., the first ‘episode’) where she gets blown up, locked in our hero’s truck and basically accomplishes nothing aside from constructing a toddler seat for a jug of explosives, but in the second half/episode, she’s reduced to watching the action on a screen. That’s it.
She. Watches. On. A. Screen.
Hard to get lamer than that!
Neil’s fiance in Leech Woman – she can’t tame her man or her hair.
All of the women from the Ring of Terror. As best exhibited by Betty, all they seemed to do is to whine about the guys needing to do what they needed to do. An talk about the lames swimsuit exhibition ever! Horror on so many levels.
No doubt Angela from Ray Dennis Steckler’s “TISCWSLABMUZ” with her cotton candy hair and bored expression was definitely lame. She didn’t even show very much emotion when Jerry tried to strangle her. Honorable mention: Marge Nielson, of the Nazi dance team. Both absolutely had their “shick out of shape!”
So many choices. Agree with the nominees of Natalie in “Wahr-wilf” and Abby from “Riding with Death,” but to throw something original into the mix I’ll say Adad in “The Mole People.” She basically wanders around in a lobotomized state, and when she’s finally freed she decides that under a falling two-ton pillar is a good place to stand.
And you didn’t ask, but as far as least lame leading lady in a MSTed movie, I think many of us would say Beverly Garland. In ANYTHING.
Creepy Girl in Catalina Caper. I should note that it’s not totally her fault; just look at which kind of movie it was.
Lots of good ones mentioned. Here’s two more:
1. Leslie in ‘Boggy Creek 2.’ Why the hell did you agree to tag along if you were going to spend the entire trip in mascara-smeared hysterics, whining for the comforts of a hotel and something besides baloney to eat? (Now Tanya, on the other hand, is great; a real man’s kinda woman.)
2. Col. Glen Manning’s fiancé in ‘The Amazing Colossal Man.’ Hey, lady: he’s bald, 40-feet tall, wears a diaper and DOES NOT want you hanging around! My God, get a clue – the wedding is OFF!
Would Natalie from Werewolf be considered lame? Trying to think what she actually did in the movie..hmmmmm..(still thinking)
@13 – Jacqueline Cole (April) was the wife of Greydon Clark, producer of “Angel’s Revenge”. ‘Nuff said.
@18 – Katherine Crawford (Abby from “Riding With Death”) was the daughter of Roy Huggins and wife of then-Universal studio head Frank Price. Again, no big surprise.
Michele in “Gold in Girl Boots” is lame. Can’t dance (nor could anyone else in the film), and when she was supposed to express any emotion it looked like her face was in pain. And she actually marries Critter! But come to think of it, that may be a better choice than waiting for Buz to get out of jail or going back to Dad at Eat.
“I had such a pretty MIIIIIIIIINNDD!!!!!!”
Yeah. . . . that lady. She’s not the leading lady I guess, but sheesh…
My pic would be Amy from “Hobgoblins”. She wants her boyfriend, Kevin, to “make her proud”. At one point has him take on Army Boy Nick in a garden rake duel and when Nick wins she’s all disappointed with Kevin.
All the female characters from ROBOT HOLOCAUST were bizarrely yet predictably awful. Who knew Brian Azzerello started out in sci-fi films?
And the women in LEECH WOMEN manage to convey how desperately Oprah Winfrey was needed; vain, shallow, and desperately clinging to men who were completely unworthy of even them.
But for the grande dame of dismal, I’ll have to go for the ineffectual, spineless, and whiney wife from MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE. She passively wanders through the film, totally unable to assert herself and barely able to question her husband’s endless string of stupid decisions. Even when Torgo paws her, her only reaction is to whine louder until he finally stops. Then he asks her not to tell her husband…and she DOESN’T. Wow. The lace mantilla is an added bonus.
The Women of GORGO!
Do we need to look any further than Lisa from Time Chasers, who not only wore two different plaids but also managed to continually get herself into ridiculous verbal corners despite being a reporter? “Where’s your time transport?” asks Michael Moore. “It was…stolen,” she replies, in what can be described as ACTING!
Also, her death didn’t stick. That was tragic.
The screamy female lead in ‘Screaming Skull’ definitely could have been better.
@32 She was even worse in Space Children.
Sampo said— “I’m going to have to go with the lady astronauts in “King Dinosaur.” They achieve nothing and are simply ballast for the entire movie.”
That’s some nice “ballast” if you have to make a long trip like that.
I’ll go with the wife from Manos. Sure her husband was totally incompetent. But all she did was yell “Mike” and let Torgo paw at her. She could have done SOMETHING to help.
The girl who wrote a movie to star in said movie, ITS THE SOULTAKER! Yeah, her.
Then again, if you need to know where the fish lives, watch The Touch of Satan and Melissa will tell you where the fish lives. ZAH!
How about Colonel Briteis from Project Moonbase? She decides to land on the moon with Major Bill, then marries him because NASA told her to…as long as he outranked her. It’s the first time the MST3K crew was really upset over an ending.
#36: Yeah, her, all the way.
Lisa from The Room. Not actually MST3K, I know, but close enough. I honestly can’t think of a worse “leading lady” in a film.
Arlene from ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf’. Why did she love her violent, anger-filled boyfriend again?
British platinum blonde bombshell Sandra Dorne, “Magda,” – The assistant to The Great Vorelli the ventriloquist in DEVIL DOLL.
I liked her, I liked her figure, I liked her acting, her voice, etc… I can honsetly say I liked it all…
But (and it’s a big butt and it cannot be ignored) her costume was so amazingly sparse that it instantly compromised the credibility of her character and interfered with my suspension of disbelief as I watched her walking around on stage. (Apparently, I had no trouble believing in a possessed doll but drew the line at a woman “with no pants.”)
I officially proclaim that she was one of the most ridiculous female characters ever to appear in all of Mystiedom.
(It’s one of my favorite episodes.)
How about ALL of the ladies from Pod People?
You’ve got:
1. The girlfriend who lets her boyfriend cheat on her because it’s “part of his act as an artist”,
2. The other girlfriend who goes on a trip with her boyfriend and his girlfriend,
3. The girl’s girlfriend who enables both of them (“Be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend”),
4. The girl who goes after anything with a male name (“Jeez, Tracy, stay away from the kid’s animals”), and perhaps worst of all,
5. The mother who lets her son go out into the woods and bring back whatever psychopathic murdering aliens he finds.
The hair helmet coffee lady from Skydivers stands out in my mind as being a bit like a post with a bad wig. She touched no one’s life… and stayed. Pendragon from the Undead would have approved. Maybe they should date. Have we done a fictional couples thread, like “what if Mitchel dated Gamera?” It wouldn’t last since Mitchel doesn’t get along with kids and Gamera isn’t a pre-paid hooker. Boy did I get off topic fast.
Natalie from ‘Warwilf’ takes the vaguely foreign cake. So many good candidates!
Michele from Girl in Gold Boots is a good example, not only can she not dance, but when Critter was fighting three guys she basically stood there and did nothing useful.
Dr. Ted Nelsons wife in The Incredible Melting Man, who can’t seem to keep a supply of soup crackers on-hand.
Amy, the unsupportive girlfriend whose only hope, apparently, is to listen to Daphne the slut (“my boyfriend wouldn’t bring me anything without at least one X rating”). From the well-known movie “Hobgoblins.”
#16 and #30
Maybe if we really stretch this concept, we could say Gorgo’s mom is the leading lady of the movie. She’s so proud of her son’s name in lights, although she did embarrass him.
Everyone’s mentioned the best ladies for this topic. I’ll just put in a word for the vapid wife of “Space Children.”
“Waaah, there is so much sand here, I’m so depressed. Kids, I’m distrustful of your blob.” Get a grip, lady! There must be something better for a leading lady to do than complain about feeling powerless. On the other hand, most of the characters were powerless because the brats just HAD to have their way…
How about Aunt Betty from Final Sacrifice? Leading lady by virtue of being the only lady. Batwoman from The Wild World of Batwoman, also. Completely ineffective as a superhero.