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Weekend Discussion Thread: What MSTed Movie Character Would You Want in Your Foxhole?Alert reader Ryan asks:
What MST3K characters would you want in your foxhole? The enemy has surrounded you its you and your five, and you gotta hold out till reinforcements arrive (or till the bitter end). Who would you have with you (and why)? I can’t come up with five, but I know one for sure: Ator. He could make a quick hang glider and fly us to safety. What’s your pick? 71 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: What MSTed Movie Character Would You Want in Your Foxhole?”Commenting at Satellite News
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Godzilla.
It’s a big foxhole.
Col. Manning (a war hero before the accident), Jet Jaguar (he could also grow to giant size if needed), Ken the Fugitive Alien (he’s practically invinsible), Johnny Longbow (perfect aim) and Texas Sheriff Joe Don Baker (he’s obsessed enough and would go down fightin’). But then, would I need to wait for back up anymore?
Commando Cody he could cover me from the air as well
Rocky Jones hes a good fighter
Mila from cave dwellers she can fight and is hot
John McAllister hes a ninja
the teenager from outer space that likes to TORTURE!!!
Last weekend’s WDT was “out there” and this one isn’t? That’s cool. I’m up to the challenge!
Ilya Moromitz – Good warrior mindset and melee combat abilities.
Mooney – The crazy !@#$ who doesn’t care where/who he shoots.
Peter Graves – Intelligent. Doesn’t use short controlled bursts with MG.
Mole Person – Quick, we need an escape route!
Natalie from “Werewolf” – If the hole floods, we’ll need some flotation devices.
Say what you will, but at least Blast Hardcheese had better aim than your average Imperial Stormtrooper.
Then again, Trumpy could probably use his crazy mental powers to get us out of there or kill everyone.
Gaos (from Gamera vs. Gaos) — Because he can provide air support to us and fire “mint jelly” shots at all attacking infantry.
Itchy (from the same Gamera vs. Gaos) — Because he seems to have better tactical knowledge of how to fight monsters than any adult around him.
The Yellow Helmet Road Construction Boss, who’s name I don’t think is ever given (Gamera vs. Gaos) Because you need helmets in a foxhole, and we will never run out of yellow ones while he’s around.
The Cast of Head Injury Play House (Gamera vs. Gaos) — Because while they are wrecking the site, the rest of us in the fox hole can sneak away before anyone notices.
AND FINALLY
TOR JOHNSON!!! (NOT from Gamera vs. Gaos!) — Because he can tell us when it’s “time to go for to bed” and then kiss the rabbit for me. Getting enough rest is important in a war. Kissing the rabbit is, too.
Here’s my foxhole five…
Big McLargeHuge for the intimidating war cry :pain:
Roll Fizzlebeef for any quick get-away plans :-P
Rip Steakface on “woppets” :shock:
Thick McRunfast to keep us all on our toes MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!:reallypissed:
and…
Crunch Buttsteak to hold up the rear :skywalker:
This group’s only weakness is the sheer sexual power of Grandmadaughter!:bomb:
Another vote for Ken (the Star Wolf Ken, not one of those other Kens) of Fugitive Alien. He could simply toss everyone out of the war zone.
Hmmm….
I’d distract the approaching enemy long enough for me and four of my team to come around in a flanking action and take them down. Those four would include Hercules (who’s immensely strong), Prince of Space (who’s immune from weapons fire), Connery from “Operation Double 007” (who can instantly hypnotize the enemy, slowing them down), and Santo (who’s strong and won’t give up).
And how would I distract them? I’d send out my fifth man: Arch Hall, Jr. from “Eegah!” I’d tell him that he should lead the charge against the enemy and that we’d be right behind him, backing him up. And while the enemy is blasting the daylights out of him, the rest of the guys would clean house.
Cold-hearted? Sure, but that’s the way it is. Oh, the lonliness of command!
If I could only choose one, though, I would pick Billy from ‘Laserblast’ with his laser blaster. Turtle Power!!
Ilya Moromitz because his plan is still being taught at West Point.
Klein! because… well he’s Klein! that’s enough.
Mitchell! once he passes out i could use him as cover to fool the enemy ala Platoon.
1) Vadinho from Puma Man. A true bad@$$.
2) Mr. Tucker from the Rebel Set for his strategic prowess.
3) Sam Casey from Riding Death because he’s so mellow under pressure.
4) Buffalo Bill from the same for his skill as a comic relief.
5) Johnny Longbow from Track of the Moon Beast because he makes great stew. And he can list their ingredients….
As an ex-USAF officer myself, I’ve gotta put a plug in for any given pilot from THE STARFIGHTERS. Besides, the poopie suits make for good neighbors in tight quarters.
I’ll also mention the sheriff from EARTH VS THE SPIDER who knows how to compose himself in a crisis situation and deliver belligerent, half-assed orders.
And maybe the amazon dancer from SKYDIVERS, because, well, why not? Especially if we’re surrounded by Scottish Highlanders.
And Kline – the dude’s a machine.
On the other end, people I do NOT want are:
Moonie, Coleman Francis (RED ZONE CUBA version), Gloria from THE SINISTER URGE, or any one else who might shoot me in the back to save their own skin.
Mikey from TEENAGE STRANGLER – the opposite of the sheriff listed above.
Prince of Space- because, all weapons are useless against him.
Corporal Donnie Most from Deadly Mantis.
The Coleman Francis from Red Zone Cuba.
Any of the Illinois State Guard in Beginning of the End.
Linda Evans from Mitchell.
Police Chief Gaybar from Time of the Apes.
I would choose Livia from The Undead. Well, she looks like Alison Hayes. So there’s that. More importantly, she could turn us into ‘flying tortillas’ and we could escape under the cover of darkness.
Mitchell. Just kidding.
I’d have to go with Gamera. He’s really always come through for his friends. And while I’m not a Japanese child, I am physically weak so I’m hoping he would feel protective.
Megaweapon.
Joe Estavez – To dig the foxhole for me.
The Hunter – He’s not dead yet, and I could use his head to open K-rations.
Dr. Carlo Lombardi – When the shootin’ starts, he could summon reinforcements from across the gulf of space and time.
Roxy – For when I need a shave.
Torgo – Just for conversation.
the Mole People… mole holes… ;)
the cute but mean Pod Person that was killing folks…to catch em by surprise!!
the ants from Phase IV to send out… itch and scratch you commie suckers!!
amazing colossal MAN! those terrorist bastards won’t know what hit em when they hear about HIS problems for 90 minutes!
Santa Claus! cause he’s Santa claus.
Gunslinger Beverly Garland!
Strike from escape 2000!!
Thong from Cave Dwellers!!
Diabolik!!
Runaway from Future War!!
Aram fingal from Overdrawn at the memory back ( in case we need to hack the enemy’s computer!!!)
1) Arch Hall, Jr. To draw enemy fire as he races to escape on his balloon wheel car. Tragically, he is heard to call out ROXY! just before being bitten by (you guessed it) a snake.
Have to exclude Gamerish monsters (foxholes not that big) so:
2) Ator (Just lob a few atomic bombs at them, Ator). And he won’t let any invisible
enemies sneak up on the foxhole fighters.
3) Richard Carlson’e girlfriend Six in Tormented. How they gonna kill her?
And she’ll drive the enemy bonkers by informing one and all: “——- tried to kill me.”
4) Prince of Space because, as previously indicated in this thread, their weapons
would be useless against him.
5) Santa Claus (especially for escape via small vents, holes, etc. in the foxhole). He,
like Trumpy, can do magic. Oh, and his elves will provide lots of lethal toys (although
Futurama’s Robot Santa would be more deadly).
Nick from Hobgoblins – Give him a garden tool and watch him kick @$$!
John Agar – because he knows everything about everything.
Toblerone – because he just a helluva guy!
Joe Estevez (from Soultaker) – To, well, take the souls of the enemy for our ring toss game
Ernest Borgnine – to tell us stories. Besides, there’s no telling when we might need a Laser Mission.
Any of the “teen aged” aliens from “Teenagers from Outer Space”. Their ray guns leave only the enemy’s skeleton behind! Besides, any enemy combatant still alive would be later subjected to TORCHA!!!!!!
As my handle suggests, I’d want to have Prince Of Space! Whoever our enemy is, their weapons would have no effect on him! He could casually walk out of the foxhole and prance gaily about, drawing an increasingly frustrated enemy fire and wasting their ammunition until our reinforcements arrived.
Glenn Manning (for intimidation), Megaweapon (for firepower), and Droppo (for a shield)
The girls from Angels Revenge.
I’d have Dr. Z – he’d wait patiently in the foxhole, “hiding, waiting… stalking your prey… at just the right moment, ATTACK!”
Babs from “Horrors of Spider Island” – she’d strike some old fashioned fear into that enemy’s heart, I recon…
Neuvena from “Design for Dreaming” ‘cuz she can fly, and could collect vital intelligence about our enemy’s numbers, weaponry and location.
Dr. Carlo Lombardi – instead of fighting he could just put the enemy to SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!
And I’d bring a “Chicken of Tomorrow” in case we get hungry.
I’d have Servo, Crow, Mike and Joel. Just ’cause they’re awesome! From the movies, I’d pick Pedro from 103: Mad Monster because he can kill anybody easily. Maybe Ken from 310: Fugitive Alien and Gamera as well
I might also pick Ken from Fugitive Alien and Gamera as well
Batwoman and her girl commandos. I may not survive, but what a way to go!
And if a goofy Monkeys-style montage should break out, I’m covered.
The Giant Gila Monster, the Deadly Mantis, the Spider, Gorgo (senior), the Black Scorpion, and me. Yeah, you want a piece of US, enemy?
Gamera “the children’s friend”. If he can find a way to save all those obnoxious kids in those movies he should be able to find a way to rescue me. Also Mamie Van Doren in case he can’t. Might as well go out with a smile.
Maybe Mister Krassner, who could explain his plans to perfect a machine to TALK… TO THE DEAD!!!! until the enemy’s either so bored or weirded out they explain they have to go do something else.
Or maybe Bela Lugosi. Giant robots, exploding spiders, Tor Johnson, there’s no telling what he’ll pull out of his ass.
Why not torture the enemy with song? The Pod People kids could sing “Idiot Control Now” until the bad guys give up. The virgin man could be there to keep up morale, reminding us that we’re the best. After the enemy soldiers surrender, we would all escape through the woods, taking our time…hey, we’ve got the whole weekend.
1. Ilya Morumets from Sword and the Dragon.
2. Aztec Guy from PumaMan.
3. Johnny LongBow from Track of the Moon Beast.
4. Toblerone from Escape 2000.
5. Tor Johnson.
The question makes me realize MST3K never really did a war picture, did they? I guess maybe Invasion U.S.A. but while that certainly depicts a war, it’s not really a war-picture genre type of film. You know, with the band of soldiers huddling together for comfort while facing grimly at the enemy and getting trickles of paint to show where the popular kid who had everything to live for got shot and all that. (Or the same but aboard ships for a navy picture.)
It’s always a bit surprising to realize there are whole kinds of movies the show never did do.
1. The Moon Men from “Hercules Against the Moon Men” because “they will they will rock you!”.
2. Ken the Starrr Wolf to spring them into action.
3. Dr. Z to tell Ken when to… ATTACK!!!
4. Father Mushroom for covert ops
5. Gaos for air support
I skipped reading everyone’s comments because I didn’t want to be influenced.
#5 Coleman Francis. He always had a gun and was ready to use it. And he would make sure we had plenty of coffee.
#4 The Master. He didn’t flinch at anything.
#3 Mike Nelson. He’s the Destroyer of Worlds and a funny guy.
#2 Beverly Garland in Gunslinger or Swamp Diamonds. Ready to kick ass with her fists or a gun.
of course my #1…
#1) Jack Taylor. We need someplace to go party when its over!
Mitchell, cuz when $#17 got real I can count on him to come out smelling like roses, and beer burps with a hint of sausage.
Just to append (and defend) my foxhole line up (#39):
Admittedly, the moon men are more than one, but at least they act as one.
Also, myself (and Dr. Z of course) would be there for “PROPER MOTIVATION!!!” –
(Me): WHAT DO WE DO LADIES?!
(All): KILL! KILL! KILL!
(Me): WHAT MAKES THE GAOS GROW?!
(All): BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
(Gaos): URRRAACK! URRRAACK! URRRAACK!
The Indestructible Man, Ator, Hercules, J. P. McAlister (Master Ninja), and Mr. B Natural.
If it’s to the bitter end, I’m goin’ down with Rowsdower. Canada’s answer to Doc Savage.
Yay my weekend discussion thread got chosen! now back to the topic.
Bitter End Scenario:
The Red Zone Cuba stooges: Grifin, Landis & Cook
Star Force: Fugitive Alien: Captain Joe-
SCCTM: Goldar
Cap’n Joe would boss everyone around, the Cuban 3 would get pissy and defect, only to be gunned down with a penny and a broke cigarette between them. Then Cap’n Joe would decide we might as well get drunk cause were not winning- Joe and Goldar get blitzed and run out of the foxhole guns blazing
sd
Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy.
The Friendly Looking Backup Singer from The Band Who Sang California Lady.
Kornjob, the self-taught samurai crossing guard from Gamera vs. Gurion.
Zulu, the Largely Incompetent but Loyal Hawaiian Sidekick.
And finally, Old Timer Billy Slater, master of junior rodeo organizing.
Why this group?
Hey if you have to ask, clearly your tactical assessment skills need work.
spork:
I’m afraid your lot would have trouble successfully taking on
The Judean People’s Front crack suicide squad in Life of Brian.
(It would be close, though).
Umm, let me see….
– Mitchell
– Valeria (from Robot Holocaust)
– Captain Joe (from Fugitive Alien)
– Jimmy’s mom (from I Accuse my Parents)
– Mikey (from Teen-age Strangler)
Let us be realistic. There is an extremely slim chance for reinforcements to arrive in time.
But with these buddies around, the bitter end will actually be welcome.
Mitchell. (Not Sheriff Geronimo, though. Everyone he’s partnered with is put in considerable danger and he causes more problems than he solves.)
The Air Force colonel from The Starfighters. He seems nice and he’s good at deflecting pesky congressmen.
The Cyborg Master from Future War, because, hey, he got better.
The Teenager from Outer Space. I want the alien with the disintegration ray gun on my side.
In my foxhole I would have:
the Angels Revenge girls
the ladies of Swamp Diamonds and
the giant girls of Village of the Giants.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry, those are the choices for my *foxy* hole.