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Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed MoviesDuring the episode guide discussion, the commenters got into a discussion about which of the characters was the biggest jerk. And commenter “Robot Rump!” asked:
We had a “smuggest” character thread, but that’s not the same thing, really. So let’s have it. Name as many as you like. I am going to go immediately to Dr. Carlo Lombardi, such a towering jerk that the jerk store called, and they’re out of him. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way.) Who would you pick? 126 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: The Biggest Jerks in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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Boy, it’s really tough to choose just one jerk; there are so darn many. But I’ll go with Ken Curtis’s character in Killer Shrews. He was a cowardly, drunken, sniveling weasel who more than deserved to be eaten by the carpet-dogs (unlike Griswold).
Dr. Phil Brewer / Roy Thinnes OF GENERAL HOSPITAL shorts was not only a rat but a prime time jerk as well. He treated his wife, his paramour and his rival (professionally and amorously) with open contempt. He mocked the phone service the rival had to better serve his patients, brow beat poor Jessie into throwing an engagement party for his girlfriend and then bitched at poor Jessie through out it and finally volunteers to take his girlfriend home while convincing poor Jessie to stay home. Worst of all his actions resulted in poor Jessie into throwing away the home-made cake she made that seemed big as a car tire!
Oh there’s such a buffet of loathsomeness in the jerk world of MST. One of the ones that spring to mind oddly enough is Chuck from Laserblast. Constantly picks on our Mark Hamill-wannabe hero, which is way too easy. Beats him at drag racing handily because he’s driving a sweet rod against the dumpy footprint painted conversion van of our “hero”. Hangs with and empowers Eddie Deezen of all people to amp up his annoying factor. Makes moves going towards flat out sexual assault on Hamill-lite’s girlfriend during that sheetcake party. Generally just gives off healthy “I’m a jerk and jagoff” vibes during the film to such a point that when he is finally dispatched, you feel somewhat pleased about it.
And honorable mention goes to Cash Flagg’s lead in Incredibly Strange Creatures. Doesn’t feel like working and feels hassled when it gets brought up. Overrules his girlfriend in going to what turns out to be the most boring girly/dance routine show on earth. Starts ignoring caring cute girlfriend for bland exotic dancer. Easily makes the transition to hooded killer with just a swirly pattern on a paper plate to goad him on. Gives his Serbian/Greek/Albanian roommate nothing but grief. All these people care about him along the way, yet no character arc, no growth. Still a jerk when he falls off the cliffs at the end of the movie.
I really can’t stand the Van-driving Army Guy in Hobgobblins.
I Know I ran into him or someone like him in High school.
It was so gratifying to see him staggering around in a circle on fire.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Oh ya! his girlfriend was pretty much an insensitive Bit- Jerk too
Yuri from “Werewolf”. He’s a leering creep who has contempt for everyone and cares about no one but himself and nothing but money and fame. And he can’t decide on a hairstyle.
#6 Completely agree. It’s guys like that who you never understood how they got the job in the first place. And Yuri in particular should have been tazered in the eyes.
Unless it was intended this way for this discussion, “jerk” tends to make people think of men. So don’t forget the aweful women in MST3K episodes.
To me, the most utterly LOATHSOME character ever were the kids in Kitten With A Whip, particularly Ann Margaret’s character Jody.
1. Ray Stevens look a like from ‘Teenage Caveman’
2. the drunk ‘writer’ from ‘Rebel Set.’
3. Micheal from ‘Manos’ WTH is HE to boss Torgo around!?!
4. both cops from ‘the Dead Talk Back.’
By coincidink Killer Shrews is on rotation to watch (today). Festus is a contender for not only
smuggest character but also dumbest. “Ooh, Boss Hogg’s deputy has a plan for getting off the island.
Oh, I don’t think so! I’ll stand on a fragile roof with hundreds of starving dogs (I mean Killer
Shrews) all around!” And he lost the less then datewise discerning Swedish babe. (Hey, she was attracted to Rosco P. Coltrane). Btw, runor has it she learned in at UU (Uppsala University) to play Dixieland jazz.
On the other hand, Yuri is probably the single most icky, and sickly perverted, character in mst3000 land.
Wait a minute. Let’s not forget the Paper Chase Guy in Warrior of the Lost World.
Soemhow he and the talking bike were meant for each other.
Go Megaweapon!
Bill Moore from Project Moonbase. Admittedly Breiteis is rather grating. But the way he constantly belittled her was way out of proportion. And as a final insult, she’s expected to marry him.
Mooney from The Beatniks. No wonder Joel and the Bots wanted to punch him — he seems to serve no purpose other than annoying the crap out of people and intentionally ruining lives.
JC from Sidehackers is the all time jerk of jerks.
I think the “Good? He’s the BEST!” singer from Pod People is a major jerk. Especially the way he shot up that old dude’s awesomely stocked bar. IT STINKS!
Mitchell (Joe Don Baker). Fairly obvious, of course, but not only is he completely unlikable (unless you’re so stoned out of your mind you manage not to notice), but he totally messes up by killing off so many of the bad guys. Not only does he screw up the FBI’s plans for Deaney’s “trade union”, but after explicitly telling Cummins (Martin Balsam) that he wants a lead to the big boss, Tony Gallano (that old Italian guy on the park bench), Mitchell ends up killing off everybody who could’ve been linked to him! What a jerk AND a dumbass!
I’ll go with Sgt.Ward from “It Lives by Night”. What a smug idiot.
I would say Sheriff Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, even if his jerkishness was only evident towards Malta (I mean, who wouldn’t?).
And Blast Hardcheese from Space Mutiny, just chucking people off of railings without a thought.
Dick Sergeant from Clonus was kind of a jerk.
DIABOLIK! And he’s supposed to be the HERO! Completely self-absorbed, killing and stealing things that’ll just end up in his horrible underground lair with his equally horrible girlfriend/wife/concubine.
In every list of jerky or annoying characters Watney from Outlaw has to be included. What else could you call someone who let his libido lead him into betraying his friend? Not to mention his general all-around ickiness.
And let’s not forget Steve “But I’m a jerk” Benton from Attack of the Giant Leeches. Never mind that there are people mysteriously disappearing. We can’t do anything to prevent it no matter what Dave Walker says he saw, even if it means people might be saved.
Every single character from Zombie Nightmare. Yes, even Hank Peters, Italian Grocer.
Gotta go with Eegah’s relatives – easily the biggest jerky I’ve ever seen. (Ow, Joel! My arm!)
Ok, on topic then, and sticking with the same movie, Professor daddy Arch Sr. He insults the dune buggy and treats his daughter just like she was a temp secretary that he’s trying to lure into bed with promises of movie stardom. Oh, wait…
Mike’s eagle scout persona was pretty bad, too.
@ Sitting Duck (#11)
Actually, both Gen. Greene and Col. Briteis both qualify. The former for being a condescending male chauvinist who’d get sued for harassment in the real world. And the latter for being a caricatured shrill female who thinks she’s infallible.
Actually, I think only the Russian spy and the President don’t qualify in that movie.
I’m going to go ahead and agree with everyone else’s suggestions, because they’re all bang on target. And now, to throw my own candidate into the mix, how’s about Peter Graves in Beginning Of The End? He’s a class-A jerk throughout.
Even though he got more Christmas presents than Joe Don Baker, John Saxon is the jerk in Mitchell for shooting the Johnny Mathis burglar.
The hallmarks of a Class A jerk are cruelty to children and dogs. So I nominate Thor from Teenagers from Outer Space, because he killed harmless little dog Sparky, and gave a long-ago child (me) horrible nightmares about laser guns that could skeletonize pets and people. SCREW YOU, THOR!!!
The smug, feather-haired, pasta-flinging brat from Zombie Nightmare.
The detective in Indestructible Man. “I figured being my wife would take up all your time.” Rarely have I wanted to punch someone in the groin more urgently than when I first heard that line. Smug little rrrrrgh.
I like to nominate Both Arch Hall Sr. and Jr. for being creepy jerks in EEGHAA.
Everyone (save Helen) in The Brute Man, but especially the storekeeper. Insulting your only employee to his face does not a nice man make.
Now with a little thought-here are more jerks:
-Grandpa Ernie in Merlin- who tells a kid a story where a cat and dog get torched?
-The smug reviewer in Merlin.
-Merlin is a jerk too- knowing his book of spells is torn and frayed.
-Mitchell, as his bed mate writes it on his windshield.
-Deathstalker is a smug jerk.
-Bob evil in Timechasers.
-Linda in Wild Rebels is a jerk.
More jerks later.
I’m gonna nominate the 12-year old detective from Zombie Nightmare, specifically for his interrogation of the attempted rape victim.
“Well then why were you out here with him in the first place?” Ass.
GF says:
The cracker sheriff in Blood Waters who keeps calling the Scientist “Boy”
The Parents in Gamera who take Tibby away from Kenny.
Moon
Jimmy’s parents in “I accuse my Parents”- for that matter- Jimmy too.
I think it has to be Michael Landon in the beginning of I Was a Teenage Werewolf. The guy is fighting anyone who looks at him funny. Acts like a jerk to his dad, his girlfriend, girlfriends parents & lets not forget the milk throwing incident. He was actually a nicer guy when he was a wolf.
Big Stupid.
#1 Dark Grandma is right – what a wide field! I’m quite a ‘Mitchell’ buff, but I’ll go with Calgon from ‘Space Mutiny.’ A sentient skull with a temporary skin layer, he belittles his followers endlessly, even Lobster Boy… He will shoot a maitre’d instead of waiting at the bar for his table to be prepared.
Just when you think it’s safe to drop your guard around him and be casual, he’ll insult your knowledge of ancient dental practices. Jerk.
The guy on the train/tram in “Overdrawn At The Memory Bank” who insulted me.
Then there’s the sheriff from “Squirm”
#15
Come to think of it, wasn’t Gallano the big winner of Mitchell’s blundering
around? Gallano gets rid of several underbosses and move his people up the
ladder AND take firm control of the drug scene (while foiling the FBI).
You did use ‘jerk’ to describe smug during the smuggest discussion.
Regular Kenneth Morgan suggests:
SMUGGEST CHARACTER: Which characters in MSTed movies seem be the biggest insufferable know-it-alls, understand exactly how everyone must do everything, never let the other characters or the audience forget it, and absolutely revel in that perception?
I’m gonna go with Craig “that smug bastard” Stevens in “The Deadly Mantis.” He constantly knows best and lords it over everyone (especially Alix Talton) when he’s actually right. What a jerk.
Your pick?
My definition of a jerk is someone who not only acts poorly, but doesn’t seem to have anything to gain by acting they way they do (although I kind of broke that rule with Dan Kester. Oh well).
Game Warden Steve Benton – Attack of the Giant Leeches – #406: I can understand that when living in a town of rednecks, you might occasionally turn a blind eye to poaching, you know, to keep the jails from overflowing. However, the ONLY person he arrests in the entire movie is his fiance’s father who is just trying to locate some bodies of missing townspeople. Jerk.
Sherrif Ward – It Lives by Night – #1010: Enforcing the law, good. Not resting until you know all the facts about a suspected murderer, good. Harassing and making a pass at said suspect’s distraught wife (cut from MST3K version), jerk.
Watney Smith – Outlaw – #519: Constantly annoying instead of helpful or concerned when lost in the desert. Acts like his friend’s popularity also applies to him by mere association. Accusing (virtually) his best friend of murder just to brag that he had sex… with the married queen… all night long… and then pretending nothing happened and hitting on a slave girl when (shock!) the queen turns out to be playing him. Icky jerk.
Dan Kester – Giant Spider Invasion – #810: Not that his wife did him any favors, but he’s the adulterous type with a hint of incest who fails to report eviscerated cattle and dead human bodies just to protect his cannabis crop and low-end diamonds. Jerk.
Jonathan Cooper – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders – #1003: He’s offensively unimpressed by Merlin’s new shop and plans to publicly ridicule two old people. However, when he discovers that Merlin’s magic is real, he annoints himself a wizard, zaps the family cat, and plans to endanger his poor, berated wife. Jerk.
Erica Page – Gunslinger – #511: As hard as I try, I can’t think of a legit reason for Erica to go on a shooting rampage, even in the old west. When she’s told to simply close her bar earlier each night, she hires THREE different sets of hitmen to wipe out local law enforcement. Then when her land-grab doesn’t work, she decides to kill everyone. Jerkess.
Jerry – Killer Shrews – #407: Smokes in the laboratory, takes his Swedish fiance totally for granted, and refuses to listen to the one person who knows how to keep them all alive. Jerk.
Leech Woman’s husband..The guy with the Farrah Fawcett hair in Zombie Nightmare.The coroner in Zombie Nightmare.Moonie from The Beatniks.Mikey from Teenage Strangler.Cash Flagg from Mixed-up Zombies.Watney Smith from Outlaw..The devil in Santa Claus and Satan in The Undead..There’s so many to choose from..
Another from my Girlfriend:
Arch Hall SR. in Eegah trying to pimp his daughter out to EEGAH to save his own sorry skin. What a jerk!
Ross Allen. She was really upset by this guy. A total jerk.
Isn’t Dr. Forrester and his Mom both Jerks for keeping Joel/Mike stranded in Space for all those years?
Agreed 24! John Saxon. He kills Johnny Mathis AND calls him a wetback.
but also…
…Lyle Wagner’s a total jerk, second only to Tommy Kirk…
@40- Jonathan Cooper – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders – #1003: He’s offensively unimpressed by Merlin’s new shop and plans to publicly ridicule two old people. However, when he discovers that Merlin’s magic is real, he annoints himself a wizard, zaps the family cat, and plans to endanger his poor, berated wife. Jerk.
His reviews can destroy cities!
(He writes for the local paper? In movies, isn’t it usually the spunky mom/housewife who writes local-newspaper columns??)
I’m not sure if he’s the biggest one, but Big Stupid is a Big Jerk. I’ve always hated that guy – he acts so awful to Carrie, he doesn’t bother saving her cos he’s busy throwing himself an (undeserved) pity party… in fact, he’s pretty much the reason ‘Girl in Lover’s Lane’ is my least favorite episode. Thanks a lot, jerk.
I nominate Father Mushroom from Jack Frost. Yeah, I do. :razzmad:
Mincing little fungus taunts the dolt Ivan with “Can’t catch me! Can’t catch me!” in a bizarre hide-and-seek game for a prize. The poor dope wins only when he admits defeat to the mushroom man and the prize turns out to be a weapon that barely worked! Then Master Shiitake demands immediate respect with a bow that, of course, goes unheeded. He then issues a vague threat whose effects can only be lifted by helping a weird old woman. What a little jerk! :razzmad:
I also nominate Mike’s brother Eddie. Forcing Servo to be used as his personal ashtray is bad enough, but to get violent over puns is just plain wrong! However, if you want to get rid of him just throw a bunch of sevens at him! :evilgrin:
I think Kenny from Gamera is a huge jerk. The giant turtle destroys his town right in front of him, as well as a number of other towns, yet he insists that Gamera is “good and gentle.” WTF kid! He also endangers the life of that engineer as he sneaks onto the train to get closer to Gamera. The guy saves his life and he isn’t even thankful for it. What a jerk.
I’m going to differentiate the jerk from the smug git. Smugness acts superior and thinks its charming, jerks get their own way and like to make others suffer.
I’m going to nominate Glen from Amazing Colossal Man, who has a selfless act in the intro, then spends the rest of his life whining about it, while everyone cowers. A close second is his doctor, humorless, compassionateless, impotent, manipulative, given to lecture the grieving fiancee at the drop of a hat.
From the shorts, Mr. B, for all his (her) enthusiasm, is less trying to inspire Buzz and more brow-beating and shaming him into joining band, and buying the most expensive instrument. He’s a jerk too. I mean she.
Let’s not forget Griffin from Red Zone Cuba, who kills and rapes at the drop of a hat.