Bit: All (but one) of the bits from The Deadly Bees
Episode: 905- The Deadly Bees
Segment 1
[SOL]
(The bridge is decked out like a
hospital, with Tom on the desk and Mike as a
surgeon.)
Magic
Voice: Previously, On the
Sateellite of Love.
Crow: His BP is
droppin' fast!
Gypsy: We're
losing him!
Mike: (With
defibrilators) Like hell we are... CLEAR! (Zaps Tom) C'mon!
Live! C'mon! Live!
(Cut to a different scene, with Mike and
Gypsy at a table having dinner. Mike is dressed in a tuxedo,
Gypsy has rediculously red lips.)
Mike: More broccoli?
Gypsy: It isn't
broccoli I want... It's... You! (Mike drops the broccoli and
sweeps the food off the table, grabbing Gypsy in a
passionate kiss. Her light flashes.)
(Cut to Mike, in a dissheveled suit,
smoking a cigarette, Being berated by Crow and Tom, wearing
dress shirts with loose ties. Tom holds a chicken
puppet.)
Tom: Yeah, look at me. You know what I think? I think
you KNEW that chicken puppet was stuffed with explosives!
Didn't you?! Didn't you?!
Mike: No!
Crow: Come on,
answer the question you skell!
Mike: No!
Tom: Stop
lying!
(Cut to another scene on the bridge of
the SOL, this time with a blue bowl filled with gold liquid
and Tom standing next to it. As we watch, a melting Crow's
head rises out of the bowl.)
Tom: Crow! Come on, you're gonna make it buddy! Come
on!
Crow: Unnh...
No... the sauce.. too rich... It's too thick.
Tom: Oh no!
Crow: Save
yourself!
Tom: Crow! Take
my hand!
(Cut to a wide shot of the bridge, where
Mike is standing in a suit and trenchcoat, pointing a gun at
something offscreen. Lighting is nice and dramatic.)
Mike: Don't make me shoot you! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Magic Voice: And now, tonight's episode.
(Commercial break.)
Segment 2
[SOL]
(Tom has his hands and arms wrapped
around Mike's neck.)
Tom: You'll pay with your miserable life!
Muahahaha!
Mike: Uh, Tom,
we're back in the regular world now.
Tom: How could
you sleep with Amanda?! Wait.. What? Oh, heheheheh...
Mike: I better
check on what's going on in the castle.
Tom: Oh,
sure.
Mike: Could you
stop choking me?
Tom: Uh, I
can't.
[Castle Forrester]
(Brain Guy and Bobo are watching TV and
eating chili dogs.)
Observer: (in the
middle of expounding on something) I mean, a hot dog, sure,
a hot dog is one thing, but to then place Chili INSIDE the
hot dog...
Bobo: A TUNNEL of
chili!
Observer: Indeed
it is! Where do they come up with ingenious things like
this?
Bobo: That stuff
is way beyond you and me, my friend.
Observer: I think
so.
Bobo: Well, I'm
gonna go make us another batch!
Observer: Good
idea. Hurry back, Bobo, there's a great fight on Jerry
Springer.
(Pop! The other two Observers appear
behind Brain Guy.)
Observer:
(Stunned) Observer! Observer!
Observer
1: Oh, it's all too clear, isn't
it? We've been knocking ourselves out reconstituting our
exploded planet, searching the entire universe for you,
Observer, and then to find you here like this.
Observer
2: Living like some gross, smelly
animal thing!
Observer
1: Oh, Observer...
Observer: But I
didn't even know you were still alive! I mean, I'm still
all-powerful and omniscient and know all things, but how was
I to know, really?
Bobo: (Returning)
I made more chilidogs! (sees Observers) Hey... Who are you?
Ah! I know who you are! You're the really white OTHER guys
who had their brains in pans, too, only you're the MEAN
ones! I'm going to tell the Lawgiver! LAWGIVER!!!
Observer
1: Well, Observer, it would be
nice to have you with us as we made our civilization the
greatest in the cosmos, but are you really even Observer
anymore, Observer?
Observer: I still
have my powers, if that's what you mean! Watch, watch,
watch... Remember that brute who blew up our planet? I will
blight him with something so horrible... just watch
this!
[SOL]
(Crow and Tom gasp as a necktie suddenly
appears on Mike.)
Mike: Oh! Well, uh.. Well, hey, thanks, Brain Guy. Ooh,
it's quite nice, actually...
Crow:
Yeah.
[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Ah,
see? Nobody wants to get a tie! Don't you see what a
terrible gift that is? I'll tell you what, I'll try again,
two out of three....
Observer
1: Oh, you're a pathetic sot, but
we'll take you from this bloated place, now come on, dummy.
(The Observers drag Brain Guy right into Pearl.)
Pearl: So...
Brain Guy... You're planning to leave us.
Observer: Well,
it's just that my civilization needs me...
Pearl: We're not
good enough for you, I understand.
Observer: Nothing
personal, really...
Pearl: No, that's
fine!
Observer: No,
it's nothing against you!
Pearl: It's
fine!
Observer: It's
just that they'll need my help blowing up the world and
everything.
Pearl: Goodbye!
Goodbye.
Observer: I'll
tell you what, I'll send you one last movie to Mike. (To
Mike) Mike, your movie this week is called "The Deadly
Bees." (To Pearl) See, it's just that my civilization needs
me...
Pearl:
(Intelligible high pitched chirp.)
Bobo: Don't
leave, Brain Guy! I.. love you...
Observer: Uh..
it's.. er... patronizing...
[SOL]
Crow: Wow, already you've spilt about a gallon of gravy
on your tie. I mean, how clumsy ARE you, Mike? (Lights and
klaxons go off)
Mike: Well, I
just...
Crow: Get the
gravy, Mike!
Mike: Ah, we got
MOVIE SIGN!
(Movie Sign.)
Segment 3
[SOL]
(Mike is doing something with an egg,
when the Bots pop up. Crow is dressed in a rennaissance
outfit, complete with floppy hat. Tom is dressed similarly
and holding a flutish instrument.)
Crow: Hello, Mike!
Mike: Oh, hi,
Crow. Nice pantaloons.
Crow: Oh,
nevermind that. I'm smitten with love for the fair Lady
Hargrove!
Mike: Who? Oh,
from the movie? The Cigarette Hag?
Crow: Don't call
her that!
Tom: Hehe!
Mike: All right.
Go on with your story.
Crow: Thank you.
I've written a sonnet in her honor, classic English form,
fourteen lines, Iambic feet.
Mike: Uh
(gesturing to Tom) What's with Curly here?
Tom: Me? Oh, I'm
just sittin' in on crumhorn.
Mike: Oh, okay,
well, rockin'. Let's hear it.
Crow: Hit it.
(Tom begins playing.)
As England's rotting springtime begs to
loom,
I spy thee, sitting, smoking with thy dog.
I long to fill my lungs with your perfume,
Aft' several samplings of the local grog.
Effluvia! I would rather die than switch!
To gaily dance my claws through smokey locks
Is my delight, though some would call you bi- uh, witch!
I love thee, Filter, flavor, pack or box.
I flit, for springtime happens every you.
And fly to spy thy scowl and barnyard fair,
Sweet panther-like, I kiss a mole or two,
As satisfying flavor fills the air.
With loved black lungs we'll from the heavens choke,
A silly milimeter longer of love's smoke.
Thank you.
Mike: Okay. I gotta go brush my teeth. See ya.
Crow: Hey, wait,
I have a canto as well!
Tom: Ah forget
it. We'll be right back!
Segment 4
(This has already been
committed to Ward E)
Segment 5
[SOL]
(Crow stares blankly into the
camera.)
Tom: (Singing) Tortillas stuffed with ham... Hi, Crow,
whatcha doing?
Crow: Hi.
Waiting.
Tom: Oh. For?
Crow: Oh, for
Mike.
Tom: Ahh.
Crow: I asked him
where my bottle of Just For Men Hair Coloring was, and he
left without a word. And so I shall await his return, for I
have every faith that Mike will one day come back to me and
answer the question I posed so long ago... (Mike enters in a
Bee costume.)
Crow: Mike! I
knew you'd come back!
Mike: Hey, guys!
How ya doin'? You know what? I thought I'd shake things up a
bit, you know? Think outside the box! Shift the hell out of
our paradigms!
Tom: Uh, so you
dressed in a bee costume? Good for you!
Mike: Yeah, you
know, just for today, I thought I'd communicate as the bees
do!
Tom: Um, bees
communicate through movement and odor.
Crow: Right.
Mike: I'll just
be using movement.
Crow: Oh, good,
thank God. (Mike does a bee dance.)
Tom: Huh? Oh..
Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Crow: What's he
saying?
Tom: Yes, I have
to agree with Milton Freidman. Economic freedom is an
essential requisite for political freedom!
Crow: Did he say
anything about my Just For Men?
Tom: No, I'll let
you know. Oh, Mike. Oh, Mike.
Crow: What? What?
What?! This has to be about my Just For Men hair
coloring!
Tom: How
stirring! (Crying) You my friend are one of the few people
who can do justice to Chief Seattle's oration! Thank you,
Mike, thank you!
Crow: What about
my Just For Men hair coloring?
Tom: (Angrily)
I'm sure he's getting to it! Jeez... Say, Mike, can you
compare and contrast the English translation of the Maha
Barata to the original Sanskrit? Yes, I see, yes, I
understand. I agree... (Mike and Tom exit)
Crow: I mean, I
don't really need it.... It's just, I enjoy looking younger.
Nothing wrong with that, I don't think. Anyway, we'll be
right back.
Segment 6
[SOL]
Mike: So.. bees, huh?
Crow: They sure
make a film.
Tom: Sure do.
Bees should be in every single movie! (Odd music begins and
the bowler-hatted man walks through the bridge, tipping his
hat as he goes.)
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Huh?
Mike: Huh. Oh,
uh, Pearl's calling.
[Castle Forrester]
(Brain Guy and the Observers are waging a
mental duel in the background.)
Pearl: Well, Mike, it's Armageddon. These other
bleachy-faced fey omnipotent brain guys are battling OUR
Brain Guy because he decided to stay. Once they toast him
they're going to take over the world, an idea they TOTALLY
stole from me! (Pearl sits down and begins reading a
magazine.)
Observer
2: You flesh-loving traitor!
Observer: I
shant!
Observer
1: Surrender, carnally assaulted
fool!
Observer: I
shant!
Observer
2: Then meet your doom!
Observer
1: No! In stereo this time,
Observer!
Observer: Ooh!
Two at once! Too much! Can't handle it!
Bobo: I made more
chilidogs!
Observer
1: Chili-dogs? What a fascinating
concept.
Bobo: Yes, with
lots of yummy ooey-gooey cheese!
Observer
2: What an intriguing notion!
(Brain Guy grabs a distracted Observer 2's brain and drops
it in Pearl's lap.)
Observer: Quick,
Pearl, put this down the laundry chute!
Pearl: What do I
look like, your maid?!
Observer: Hurry!
The fate of the world is in the balance!
Pearl: (Mocking)
Ooh, the fate of the world is in- Oh, all right!
Observer
2: Oh! My brain! My
brain...(Observer 2 stands there dumbly)
Observer
1: So! It comes down to you and
it comes down to me, eh, Observer? To the supreme challenge
of our respective neural mastery! (Brain Guy kicks Observer
1 in the shins and swipes his brain.)
Observer: Quick,
Bobo, go long! (He tosses the brain to Bobo) So, former
brain mates! For punishment you shall walk this earth for
the rest of your days as mere flesh-bound mortals! Worse
yet, you will live in Wisconsin, where you will work at the
Burnett County Dairy Cooperative and be raging Packers fans!
(Observers 1 and 2 are suddently changed into white-faced
Wisconsonites.)
Observer
2: Go Packers!
Observer
1: Packers! Woooooo!
Observer
2: Hey, you got any smokes,
man?
Observer
1: You gotta quit bummin' off me.
(They leave.)
Observer:
Muahahahahaha!
Bobo: That was
fun, let's do it again!
Observer: Uh,
later, Bobo.
Pearl: Are they
gone? Is the world saved and everything?
Observer: Yes,
yes, we three have triumphed over evil in a way that I--(The
odd guy with the bolwer and umbrella walks through the
Castle and tips his hat.)
Pearl: Huh.
Observer:
Huh.
Bobo:
Huhhhh.
(Fade.)
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