Bit: Who's In Charge?
Episode: 813-JACK FROST
Transcribed by Brian Lafferty
Observer (to camera): Oh, hello, Mike.
Bobo: *I* should say "Hello, Mike." (to camera) Hello, Mike.
Observer (interrupting): No, I don't think so. (to camera) Hello, Mike.
Bobo: Hello, Mike. (An argument ensues.)
Mike: Hey, what the sam hell is going on? Where's Mrs. F.?
(Bobo and Brain Guy are muttering at each other)
Observer (to Bobo): Do you mind, terribly, if I explain?
Bobo: Oh, be my guest. You're not in charge. (To Mike) He's not in charge.
Observer: Gaah. Mike, Pearl is driving those horrid little children home and Bobo here, who, by the way, is not at all smelly or riddled with infections, simply cannot accept the fact that I am in charge.
Bobo: You are not!
Observer: I am too! Read the note.
Bobo: Let me see that! (Looks at letter, has trouble reading it, then throws the note angrily back to Observer.) It says you're a dodo head!
Observer: What! I'm a dodo head?! After all the unmitigated gall! You're the dodo head! (A shouting match ensues.)
Mike: Hey, hey, hey. Not that I care, but you guys are gonna have to find a way to get along until she gets back. Is there something you can do when no one's in charge? Hmm?
Observer: Well, she did leave us this list of tasks. Perhaps we could divide those up.
Bobo: Fine. You're not in charge. (To camera) He's not in charge.
Observer: Hmm, a great many of these tasks seem to pertain to you, Bobo.
Bobo: Well, I'm very delicate.
Observer (Reading the list of tasks): "Each morning begins with a tick bath for Bobo, then while he's still groggy, push worm medicine down his throat."
Bobo: I've got worms.
Observer: "Then mash 65 bananas by hand, cover with honey, and sprinkle with termites."
Bobo (happily): I won't eat them any other way!
Observer: "Then apply a generous portion of ointment to his..." (horrified) Oh, no!!
Bobo: But you have to!
Observer: No. (to camera) Mike, I can't tolerate this ape no more. I appeal to you as a somewhat higher being. Come down here, well, just come down here. (Mike "pops" onto the camping planet) Oh, there you are. (Shows Mike the note.) See, he wants me to apply ointment to his...see??!!
Bobo: Oh, come on, it's not so bad. There are worse places to apply ointment.
Mike: Ok. I'll tell you what I see. I see there are a lot of underlying issues and I don't think we can move on until we get past those. Brain Guy, why don't you start.
Observer: Ok, well, it's like ever since I've met these two, the whole world revolves around Bobo's hygiene. It's endless supply of tick baths and flea powderings and swollen things.
Bobo: You know, Mike, sometimes I get the felling he doesn't even care about my hygiene!
Observer: Well then, frankly, his daily cleaning rituals disgust me!
Bobo: At least with me they get done.
Observer: What are you implying?
Bobo: I'm implying...(like a foghorn) BEEE-OHHHH!
Observer: B.O.?!! Why, that's absurd. I don't even have a body.
Mike: Now, Brain Guy, I think we have to get past that. Tell you what. As a gesture, why don't you smell yourself?
Mike: Please, in the interests of peace, smell yourself.
Observer: Oh, very well. (Sniffs his cloak) Oh my god, I *do* stink! Oh, I'm so sorry! This is embarrassing.
Mike: See, this is a real breakthrough. I think it's a beautiful moment. Tell you what, why don't you grab your brain and head up to the satellite and watch that movie of yours and think about this moment.
Observer: Thank you, Mike. It's called Jack Frost, by the way. It's a Russian-Finnish Co-production and I think I will enjoy it, immensely. (He "pops" onto the SOL )
Tom: Oh, you do smell, really. (Movie sign)
Crow: Ah, we got movie sign.
Observer: Oh, we got movie sign. (Realizes where he is.) Wait a minute, what am I...? NELSON GET UP HERE!!! (Mike "pops" onto the satellite while doors open...)