Bit: Glen Visits
Episode: 309- The Amazing Colossal Man
[SOL]
(Joel, Servo, and Crow are looking out of
the window at the stars. Servo is humming a tune. Joel is
holding a doll.)
Crow: Say, boys, how big do you think that ol' colossal
man's gonna get, huh?
Tom:
Boy...hundred feet...five hundred feet...who knows?
Joel: Sky's the
limit. That's what they say in these kind of situations.
(Servo starts whistling like a bird.)
Crow: Yeah, sure
would likes to know.
Joel: Yeah...What
do you think you'd say to him if you finally got to meet the
amazing colossal man, anyway?
Tom: Well, one
thing's for sure, wouldn't use any of those dumb old "big
guy cliches"!
Joel: Right.
Crow: Oh, you
mean like, uh, "How's the weather up there?"
Joel: Right! Or,
"Where do you get your pants?", right?
Crow: Or, uh,
"Any more at home like you?"! Heheheh!
Tom: Or, "Are you
going out for <?> basketball this Fall?"
Joel: Right, "Can
you see my house from here?" how many times have we heard
that one, eh? No, not me, not me, I'm different that way. I
think I'd probably ask him some real thoughtful questions
like, "What's your sign?", or "Do you think Bea Arthur's
funny?"
Tom: Oh, I'd ask
him "How do your chromosomes work when they're the size of
stepladders?".
Crow: Yeah, I was
gonna ask him if it's true that Cher had some ribs
removed... (The Satellite suddenly jerks, flinging Joel and
the 'bots this way and that.) Holy buckets, we hit
something!
Tom: Joel, you
dropped your Barbie!
Joel: Forget
Barbie! Give me Rocket Number Nine! Pronto!
[Outside SOL]
(The Amazing Colossal Man himself, Glen,
is outside the SOL. The SOL seems to have hit Glen in the
stomach.)
Glen: Ow! Damn, I hate that! Wow...
[SOL]
Crow and
Tom: Wow!
Joel: Is that you
Glen?
[Outside SOL]
Glen: No, it's Kate Smith! Who else do you know that
could take a Satellite in the gut?
[SOL]
Joel: Geez, sorry!
Crow: Hey, what
are you standing on big fella?
[Outside SOL]
Glen: I dunno...some planet...supposed to be good for
ya...Earth, I think...(sniffs) Yeah, Baltimore.
[SOL]
Joel: Um...uh...uh...
Tom: Come on,
come on!
Joel: Uh, well
geez, I had a whole bunch of things to ask you, but now that
you're here, I'm kinda tongue-tied!
Crow: I'm not!
Hey, say, is it true that Cher had some ribs removed?
Tom: Shuttup
Crow!
Crow:
Sorry...
Tom: Say, what
have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
[Outside SOL]
Glen: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green
Giant...that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second. (Bends
down, comes back up holding a cow, he chews on it) You know,
I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it
loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But,
no...you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore!
Vegas! Blackballed...can't get in...
[SOL]
Tom: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them
last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
[Outside SOL]
Glen: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[SOL]
(The Satellite starts to shake)
Tom: Uh-oh!
Crow: Way to go
Servo!
Joel: Oh,
everyone hold on to something! (Holds on to the desk)
[Outside SOL]
Glen: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter
Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat
live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home
and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak,
don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big
steamy look at the circus freak!!! Hahaha!! Ack! (Clutches
his heart) Oh my heart! Ah...I've gotta go! (Falls
down)
[SOL]
Crow: Boy, safe again. I don't get it.
Tom: All those
aliens! We should be dead ten times over! Wow!
Joel: Yeah, you
know, I gotta remind myself to write down some questions
next time!
(cut)
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