Bit: Ward Cleaver, Horseman of the Apocalypse
Episode 208- Lost Continent
Transcribed by Lorrie Matheson
Tom: ...climbs down from the ladder, turns to the clown, and says, "What? And quit show business?" Ha ha ha!
Joel: Tom, I'd really love to laugh at that, but I'm the one who told it to you. Essentially, I programmed it into your memory, remember?
Tom: Oh, yeah.
Joel: Now, here's one you'll like. You'll wanna get this; you'll like this. Okay, there's these four monks, an albino squirrel, and a shoe factory, okay?
Crow: Hey, there's a ship coming into range!
Joel: Okay, you can tell your joke when I'm done.
Crow: No, it's no joke.
Joel: Or your anecdote, or whatever you've got. But anyway, there's these four monks, and they work on a construction crew--this is neat--they work on a construction crew at the monastery, okay? And they just get done working on some of the stations of the cross, and they see this albino squirrel, who carries it really well--(to Crow) oh, would you cut that out?
Crow: Well, hey, jeez. What a grouch. It's the only way I could get your attention.
Tom: Hey, there's a ship coming into range!
Joel: Whillikers, he's right! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine, pronto!
[Hugh Beaumont appears in Hexfield Viewscreen]
Hugh: Hello, boys.
Joel, Crow and Tom: Hugh Beaumont?
Hugh: Oh, come on, call me Dad.
Joel: Gee, sir--I mean, Dad. What are you doing here?
Hugh: Well, you see, boys, I'm one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and uh, I come bearing a message of unholy death. [canned laughter]
Joel, Crow and Tom: Ohhhhh....huh??
Hugh: That's right, I'm really gonna give you the business. Destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first--a stern talking-to. Y'know, you boys shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others, then, huh?
Hugh: That's right, Crow.
Crow: (whispering) He bought it--what a jerk! [canned laughter]
Hugh: Well, I'm glad we learned a little lesson, then. Well, it's time to die.
Joel: Gee, sir, I mean, Dad--why must you kill all life and matter?
Tom: Yeah, can't you give us another chance?
Hugh: Boys, I think I owe you an apology. I guess your mother and I got so wrapped up in this apocalypse thing I didn't have time to think how you felt.
Tom: Well, then, you're not going to destroy us?
Hugh: Oh, I don't see how I could. Well, I've gotta get going. I've gotta catch up to Fred MacMurray and the boys. They're about to destroy Earth. Drink your milk.
Joel: What a sweet guy.