Bit: Introducing Sirveaux/Do Ya Feel Lucky, Pearl? Episode 1009- Hamlet Transcribed by Dan Newton [SOL] (Mike, Crow, Tom and Gypsy on bridge.) Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson here, along with Gypsy... Gypsy: Hi. Mike: Crow T. Robot... Crow: Hi. Mike: And Servo. Tom: Ah, it's, it's Sirveaux. [pronounced Servo] Mike: Yeah, that's what I said. Servo. Tom: Oh no, see, I changed my name. It's not "Servo" anymore, it's "Sirveaux". It sounds the same, only it's spelled "S-I-R-V-E-A-U-X", Sirveaux. Well just grab that visual aid down there. Mike: Oh, OK. [He reaches under the desk and takes out a name plate that says "Sirveaux"] Crow: So you want us to call you, "Sirveaux" from now on. Tom: Yeah, I'd prefer it. Gypsy: What if we called you "Servo"? Tom (turning away): I wouldn't respond! Gypsy: Oh! Crow: Huh! [Commercial sign.] Mike: Oh. Anyway, we'll be right back. Tom: Oh! Oh! And I added an "H" to my first name, so you can call me . . . Mike: OK, let me guess, it's "T-H-O-M", Thom. Crow: Yeah. Tom: Oh, no no no. The "H" is at the beginning. So it's "Htom". Heh, heh. Crow (sarcastic): Well "Htom", why don't you "h-lick" me! Gypsy (chuckling): Oh ho, that's a good one! Crow: Thanks. Mike (to Cambot): Sorry 'bout this. We'll be right back. [Commercials.] [SOL] (Back on the bridge, Mike holds a sign saying "Croe", with an umlaut over the "o". ) Crow: No no no, it's "Creuw"! It's very simple: "Croe"! Mike: "Cro-ew"? "Cro-eyw"? (Tom is trying to pronounce it as well, in the background, doing badly.) Crow: No no no. Purse your beak, Mike. Mike: "Crooo"? (castle calls) Oh, Pearl's calling. (angrily, to Crow) I'll purse your beak! (to Tom, still making "Crooo" sounds) Stop it! [Castle] (Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are working with test tubes, beakers, a large book of "Diabolical Experiments", various bubbling chemicals, etc.) Pearl: (to Mike, lifting a test tube of glowing yellow liquid): My friends, this is it! Future generations may damn me, but in moments the world will be mine! For I have created a mutant virus so insidious, yet so destructive, that, by morning, half the planet's population shall be dead! (She giggles menacingly, Bobo and Observer growl obediently.) [SOL] (Mike, not giving a hoot, has set up a game of 3-card monte.) Mike (sorting cards): Never mind that. Find the lady! C'mon, find the lady! Let's go, find the lady! [Castle] Pearl (scornfully): Fool! This is no time for games! You will be the first to die! [SOL] Mike (holds up the queen, then resumes shuffling): Never mind that. Find the lady! C'mon, find the lady! It's easy! Anyone can do it. Find the lady. Nothing to watch, a buck to play. Find the lady! [Castle.] Pearl: Don't you see that I have the power to . . . (she starts to become distracted by the cards) kill . . . you . . . Eh, the middle one! The middle one! [SOL] Mike (still shuffling): Sorry, costs a buck to play. C'mon now, find the lady! Find the lady! [Castle.] Pearl: OK, here's a buck! (holds up a dollar) Observer (warning): Uh, it's a set-up. You can't win! It's a set-up! Pearl: Shut up! (to Mike) Um, the left! [SOL] (Mike holds up her card, a deuce.) Mike: No, I'm sorry. (holds up middle card) Here she is. (starts shuffling again) C'mon now, find the lady. Easy to do, c'mon let's play. [Castle] (Pearl's getting aggravated.) Pearl: Arghhh! Ohhh! Lllllllll . . . the right! [SOL] (Mike is clearly enjoying this.) Mike: You are exactly . . . wrong! (holds up her card, a six. 'bots laugh) Here she was. (holds up middle card, then begins shuffling again.) OK, Pearl, let's raise the stakes a little bit now. If we win, we get to choose the movie we watch. If you win, we'll watch two movies. (stops shuffling) Now, (imitating Joe Don Baker in "Final Justice") "You think you can take me? Go ahead on. It's your move." [Castle] (Pearl is completely into this game now.) Pearl: OK Nelson, I pick . . . Bobo (excitedly): The middle! Middle! Pick the middle! No wait, it's the left. No! Right! Right! Right right, it's right. Wait, wait, wait. (carefully) It's the QUEEN! The queen is the lady, right? Pearl: Drink this. (hands Bobo the deadly virus) Bobo: Oh, OK. (takes the tube from her and drinks it. Pearl turns to Observer) Pearl: Milkbag, you're omniscient, what do ya think? (Behind them, Bobo begins convulsing.) Observer (matter-of-factly): It's a scam, you can't win. (Bobo collapses) Pearl (sarcastically): Oh, I forgot, you're also a puss! (to Mike) I pick middle! [SOL] (Mike slowly reaches for the middle card.) Mike: Hmm. Yes, yes let's see. Ah ah ah ah . . . (picks it up, it's a six, 'bots rejoice) Yes! Tom: We won! We get any movie we want! Crow: Mike, you're da bomb, man! What are ya gonna pick? Mike (counting Pearl's money): Ah, let's see. Something I like. Let's say, say, the greatest drama of all time. Pearl, send me "Hamlet"! Crow: Wow! Mike: Uh, Branagh, Zefferelli, Olivier, it's your choice. Tom: Great! [Castle.] (Observer whispers into Pearl's ear.) Observer: Psst psst psst, Hamlet. Psst psst psst, German. Psst psst psst, bratwurst! Pearl (gleeful): Perfect! (to SOL, innocently) You win! Fine! You get Hamlet! Ohhh boy, do you get Hamlet! (holds up film can) A dark, dreary dubbed version made in 1960 for German television. (giggles) God, am I good? Observer (more effeminate than usual): Girly, you are the best! Pearl (hands Observer the movie): Send it up, Cream Cheese! (he takes the movie from her, she turns to SOL) And, choke it down, schnitzel-box! [SOL] (Mike is slowly shuffling the cards, close to tears.) Mike (miserably): But, we won. Follow the . . . (lamely holds up a card) We, uh . . . Tom (consoling him): Put it away honey, come on. Crow (defeated): Time for starchy, pork-filled German Hamlet! (Movie sign.) Tom: Movie sign! Mike: (whimpering): Movie sign! Oh! (they leave) (cut) .