Bit: DETECTIVE PETS Episode: 324-MASTER NINJA II Tom: Timothy Van Patton is NOT the type for a gerbil! Crow: It's a HAMSTER! Tom: Well, whatever! He shouldn't be going around with a Cricetid or any small Slavic origin rodent It doesn't fit the profile! Crow: Ahhh! You're loony! Tom: Well for your information, Boris, there are plenty of perfect examples of detectives and other crime-fighting types who's pets were perfectly suitted to them! Baretta's cockatoo, Sonny Crockett had a crocodile, Columbo's bassett hound, BJ had the bear... Joel: Turner had Hootch Tom: Right! Good! McCloud had his horse They all made sense! Crow: Oh, c'mon! What made you the expert? Joel: Well, actually I did I wrote a subroutine in his database allowing him to pair fictional detectives to pets. Crow: (sarcastic) Oh GEE! What a useful bit of programming! Tom: Hey! Joel: Well, it's something to do I mean, why don't you do it for us with today's mumbling heroes? Tom: I'm suggesting a mandrill for Timothy. Crow: A mandrill?!? Joel: What about Magnum P.I.? Tom: Let's see--something tropical. A sea turtle. Crow: How about Jim Rockford? Tom: Praying mantis Joel: T. J. Hooker? Tom: Oh, he'd have a creature with the head of Adrian Zmed and the body of a spider monkey Crow: Uh, The Avengers? Tom: For Emma Peel, a newt. For John Steed, let’s see, a spitting cobra or a duck. Joel: Toma? Tom: Cockatoo, same as Baretta. Next? Crow: Bat Masterson? Tom: Penguin. All of your 19th century western detectives would have penguins. But there may be a couple puffins thrown in, so be sure and ask me about each one. Joel: What about Starsky and Hutch? Tom: Paul Michael Glasser: a vicuna. David Soul: a bat. Crow: Uh, Matlock? Tom: He raises meal worms for money. Joel: The Saint? Tom: Sea cow. Crow: Miss Marple? Tom: Weasel. Joel: Mod Squad? Tom: Puppy, lizard, bird. Crow: Uh, Charles Darwin? Joel: Oh! Now he wasn't a detective! Crow: Well, so? He tracked stuff down, didn't he? Tom: It's okay, Joel. It's okay. Crow, Professor Darwin would have a howler monkey that would eventually evolve into his wise-cracking partner, Blake Joel: Oh, now you're just showing off (Tom giggles) Crow: Hey! Wait a minute! Charles Darwin wasn't fictional! Joel: Hush, you two! We have Commercial Sign (Cut) .